God, I feel like shit right now. Absolute, complete shit.
I know I did the right thing. I had to do it. But I fucking hated it.
I knew I had to do it in person, so invited Abigail over this afternoon. I didn’t really say much, just that I needed to talk to her. And when she got here, she looked so beautiful and was giving me that smile I love so much. And it killed me. It seriously did.
When she started apologizing for the other day, that was when I knew I had to bite the bullet and do it. I couldn’t put it off any longer. So I stopped her, and told her the truth…
We can’t be together anymore.
I didn’t make it very far into my speech before I started crying. The look on her face broke my heart. I almost couldn’t stand it. I haven’t been the one to dump anybody in years. Not since Amy, way back before Hope and I were even together. But Amy was a controlling psycho-bitch who walked all over me and made me feel like shit. Breaking up with her was EASY.
But breaking up with Abigail… God, that was anything but easy. I know she has the same kind of problems I used to… But that doesn’t make her a bad person. She’s not. She’s smart and funny and beautiful…
But she’s not the one for me… And I’m not the one for her either.
I deserve someone who can be understanding and supportive of my career. Someone who won’t be so jealous of me all the time.
And she deserves someone who can put her first. Someone who can give her 100%. And that someone isn’t me.
I really wish I could say Abigail took it well… But she didn’t.
The first thing she did was say I’m just breaking up with her so I can be with Hope now. But that’s not true. It really isn’t. I mean, I was honest with her… I still have feelings for Hope. And it’s made things even more complicated between me and Abigail. It played a big part in why I felt like I had to end things.
But I’m not planning on running back to Hope right now. That’s not why I did this.
I’m doing it because it wasn’t fair to Abigail for us to stay together… Or me, really. It just wasn’t going to work out between us. I tried so hard to make her see that. And I hope she will, eventually. I really hope she can find a way to move past her jealousy too. Because honestly, she has the biggest heart underneath it all.
But today, I broke it.
We had four months together. Sounds like nothing compared to the four years Hope and I had… But we had a great time together. I really cared about her so much. Hell, before things started going downhill, I was even starting to imagine a future with her. Saying goodbye to all of that hurts. Like hell.
After she left, I couldn’t stop crying. I didn’t know what to do.
There was this crazy moment I almost called Hope. Old habits die hard, I guess. Whenever something awful happens, she’s the first one I wanna turn to. But I knew this time it would be a terrible idea. So I didn’t.
Then I thought about Dom and Remi. Or Charlie. Or Tante Joce.
But in the end, I decided I just wanna be alone.