I should have known.
Maybe I kinda did, actually… But it still felt so much worse than I was expecting.
Abigail came over to see me today. She brought me a t-shirt she got at the concert the other night, and showed me some of the pictures she took. I guess she ended up taking a friend with her instead. Which is good, I guess. It wouldn’t make sense to let the tickets go to waste, would it?
But I guess it almost felt like she was trying to make me feel guilty or something. Just the way she was talking and stuff. I dunno. Whether she was trying to or not, it ended up working — I DID feel guilty. But… maybe not really for the reason she thought I would.
I couldn’t lie to her. I had to tell her about Hope coming to see me on my birthday. I made sure she knew it was totally unexpected and that I hadn’t invited her or anything. I figured she’d have to understand right?
She totally flipped on me. She twisted everything around and made it my fault. It was so fucking stupid! I got this giant speech about how I put the restaurant and Hope before her “like I always do”. She said my phone dying was “just an excuse” not to call her so I could spend time with Hope behind her back… It was ridiculous!
The worst part is, she didn’t even yell. She did that pouty thing she always does and tried to make me feel like shit. And it almost worked.
Abigail left a couple hours ago. Still pissed at me, of course.
And no matter how mad I am, I just can’t help feeling like I totally fucked up or something… But she’s the one being ridiculous, isn’t she?
I mean honestly, the more I think about it, the more she reminds me of… well, me. The way I used to be back when Hope and I were together. And it’s not just this time… And not always about Hope either.
It’s they way she gets all mopey when I have to work a long shift, or annoyed if I bring up what happened at work that day. I know she hates working down at the bank. And I know she still hasn’t really figured out what she wants to do with her life yet. I think that’s a huge part of it. I think she’s comparing herself to me or something.
Dr. Hall keeps telling me these are the types of conversations I need to have with Abigail. But he makes it sound so damn easy!
I’ve been trying to explain to him that I try to bring it up, but any time I even tiptoe around the subject, she gets all defensive. She won’t listen to me and I just… give up. I know it’s not worth it to try… because when I was in her shoes, it wasn’t worth trying with me either.
She’s just so jealous. So insecure about everything. And I think that’s what’s stopping me from totally losing it when we fight about shit like this. I really get it. I’ve totally been there. But it’s still frustrating as hell.
I keep thinking back to what Hope told me the other night about perspective… And everything that happened between the two of us back then. I kept pushing Hope away and making her miserable. And the longer we’re together, the more it’s starting to feel that way with Abigail too. Except this time, I’m the one getting pushed.
For me and Hope, it was too late to save things. But what about me and Abs? Can we fix this? Or is it too late for us too?
Abigail’s an amazing girl. I care about her so much. I really, really do. But it feels like ever since the restaurant opened, we’ve been growing apart. But I just don’t know what more she expects me to do. I mean, I barely even talk about work with her anymore. And when she gave me that big ultimatum about Hope, I picked her!
What more does she want from me?
I just… I dunno. I guess… I guess part of me does know what she wants.
She wants me to be able to give her 100%, doesn’t she? She wants to be #1 in my life. She wants what anyone in her shoes would want.
And I think…
Maybe it’s something that I can’t really give her.