4.49: Cycle

Note: One steamy screenshot in this one.

———————————–

It’s been more than a week now. And some days, I still can’t stop crying.

I think this is even worse than when Mark rejected me all those months ago. And that was hell.

So what do you even call this?!

I’m just so damn miserable all the time. It’s like I’m caught in some sort of vicious cycle. One I can’t break out of, no matter how hard I try, or how much Mark and Clara try to help me through it.

It always starts of the same way too – I start thinking about what happened that night. I remember the way Papa looked at Mark. I remember the terrible thing he called him. I remember maman practically begging me to tell her it wasn’t true. And I remember Luc… The horrible things he said to me, and the look on his face when he said them.

And at first, I feel sad. Hurt. Broken. How can my family – my own family – say such horrible things to me? Be so unsupportive? Treat me like I’m some kind of child who can’t take care of herself?

The more I think about it, the angrier I get.

That brings us to the next step – all the hateful, horrible things I start thinking about them. I don’t even know if I can write them here. Have you ever just felt so mad it was like you were literally seeing red? Like, your brain is just so overwhelmed by so much anger that you can’t even take it anymore? And you can’t even control what you’re thinking?

Yeah. That’s how bad it gets. And once I’ve calmed down enough to realize all the horrible things I’d been thinking… I feel sick. Horrible. Like I’m the worst person in the world. They’re my family. It doesn’t matter how shitty they’re being… I should never think of them that way, should I?

That’s when the tears come back.

Then a little voice in the back of my mind starts telling me that it’s okay to be angry. That it’s justified. And it reminds me of the reason I feel this way in the first place – because of all those horrible things they said to Mark and me.

And then the cycle continues.

I guess it’s getting a little easier though.

Not talking to my family is definitely helping.

I think my parents call me about three times a day. It’s so annoying. And I had to go as far as blocking Luc on Facebook. They just won’t leave me alone! Poor Clara’s been working hard trying to convince them to lay off, and I know Oma, Opa, and Gus are helping too. They’re all on my side. Mostly, at least. And talking to them helps me feel a little better.

I mean, they’ve been up front that they’re not entirely comfortable with Mark and I being together. And honestly, I get it. I seriously do. I even get why maman and Papa are so worked up. And Luc and Hazel? Definitely. They probably have more of a right to be upset than anyone.

But guess what?

It’s none of their business. This is my life and my decision. They have no right to try to stop me, or judge me for just trying to be happy!

Oma and Opa get it. Gus gets it. Clara definitely gets it. She’s even helped Florian start to come around…

So why can’t the rest of my family get it too?

Poor Mark. I can ignore my family… But he can’t ignore Hazel. Not completely, anyway. I mean, she’s his kid. He doesn’t exactly have as much of a choice as I do. And while she might not be as… volatile as my Vater and Bruder… She’s just as stubborn. Just as unsupportive.

It’s really stressing Mark out. He tries really hard to hide it, but this is really killing him. I can tell.

I wish there was something I could do to make it all better… But I know I can’t. The most I can do right now is just be there for him, just like he is for me. And I guess that makes the pain a little easier… The fact that we’re going through it together.

And sometimes, when he holds me in his arms… I actually believe that things might be okay.

He just keeps proving to me time and time again that he’s the most incredible man in the world. He’s the love of my life.

I can’t even imagine what my life would be like without him.

And I don’t ever want to find out.