Okay, this is kind of strange. I think this might be the first time I’ve ever brought my journal anywhere but my bedroom before… I keep looking over my shoulder like someone’s watching me or something! I guess I’m just not used to having so many other pairs of eyes around while I’m writing…
But I just couldn’t stay in the apartment anymore. Clara’s been an absolute nightmare ever since last night. Lena finally got through to her, so she decided to call Florian last night after his gig and finally tell him the truth.
But things backfired. Horribly. I don’t really know all the details, except it all turned into a HUGE fight. She woke me up out of a sound sleep with all that screaming…
And now, well, Clara seems pretty convinced that it’s over between them. And she’s absolutely devastated.
I almost can’t believe it myself. I mean, I had a feeling Florian wouldn’t be thrilled about the babies… but breaking up with her? That’s just not like him.
I feel so horrible for her. I really, really do. But she’s been taking it out on me, and I have no idea why. I just couldn’t take it anymore. One minute she’s sobbing, the next she’s screaming and swearing at me for absolutely no reason! And if I even try to ask her for more details about what happened, forget it. She just explodes.
I’m probably the most non-violent person you’ll ever meet, but I swear to God if I stayed in that apartment for one more minute, I was going to punch her. So I grabbed my notebook and headed straight here. I really needed to write, I guess. Get it all out.
I already feel a little better, honestly. About Clara, at least.
But I guess I’m still pretty confused.
Well, you can probably guess.
I did it without even thinking. When I left the apartment, I knew exactly where I was going to go. And not because it was convenient, or close by, or had lots of space to sit down.
It was because of him.
I never even considered heading over to Elliot’s. Not even for a second.
And the other night? When I said I meant to write Elliot’s name instead of Mark’s? That was a lie. I know it was – no matter how many times I try to tell myself it wasn’t.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, ever since I got back to Falkenburg. That one little slip-up changed everything. And when I look at Mark now… It’s not the same anymore. I don’t think it ever will be again.
So now I’m sitting here trying to figure out just how long it’s been.
How long have I been lying to myself? How long have I been trying to convince myself that he’s just a cool boss, or a really good friend?
How long has he been the one I look forward to seeing more than anyone else?
How long has he been the most important person in my life?
How long have I…?
I can’t even believe I’m writing this. It’s just so… wrong, isn’t it? I mean, he’s my boss. He’s older than my parents. And I already have a boyfriend! A sweet, funny, kind boyfriend who makes me feel beautiful.
Elliot’s an amazing guy. He really is.
But… Is he as amazing as Mark? As sweet? As funny? As kind?
Those are questions I’m too afraid to answer.