4.35: How Long?

Okay, this is kind of strange. I think this might be the first time I’ve ever brought my journal anywhere but my bedroom before… I keep looking over my shoulder like someone’s watching me or something! I guess I’m just not used to having so many other pairs of eyes around while I’m writing…

08-25-16_2-31-21 PM

But I just couldn’t stay in the apartment anymore. Clara’s been an absolute nightmare ever since last night. Lena finally got through to her, so she decided to call Florian last night after his gig and finally tell him the truth.

But things backfired. Horribly. I don’t really know all the details, except it all turned into a HUGE fight. She woke me up out of a sound sleep with all that screaming…

And now, well, Clara seems pretty convinced that it’s over between them. And she’s absolutely devastated.

I almost can’t believe it myself. I mean, I had a feeling Florian wouldn’t be thrilled about the babies… but breaking up with her? That’s just not like him.

08-25-16_1-53-42 PM

I feel so horrible for her. I really, really do. But she’s been taking it out on me, and I have no idea why. I just couldn’t take it anymore. One minute she’s sobbing, the next she’s screaming and swearing at me for absolutely no reason! And if I even try to ask her for more details about what happened, forget it. She just explodes.

I’m probably the most non-violent person you’ll ever meet, but I swear to God if I stayed in that apartment for one more minute, I was going to punch her. So I grabbed my notebook and headed straight here. I really needed to write, I guess. Get it all out.

08-25-16_1-56-59 PM

I already feel a little better, honestly. About Clara, at least.

But I guess I’m still pretty confused.

About…

Well, you can probably guess.

I did it without even thinking. When I left the apartment, I knew exactly where I was going to go. And not because it was convenient, or close by, or had lots of space to sit down.

It was because of him.

08-25-16_2-06-34 PM

I never even considered heading over to Elliot’s. Not even for a second.

And the other night? When I said I meant to write Elliot’s name instead of Mark’s? That was a lie. I know it was – no matter how many times I try to tell myself it wasn’t.

I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it, ever since I got back to Falkenburg. That one little slip-up changed everything. And when I look at Mark now… It’s not the same anymore. I don’t think it ever will be again.

08-25-16_2-27-34 PM

So now I’m sitting here trying to figure out just how long it’s been.

How long have I been lying to myself? How long have I been trying to convince myself that he’s just a cool boss, or a really good friend?

08-03-16_11-06-06 PM

How long has he been the one I look forward to seeing more than anyone else?

08-12-16_11-51-42 PM

How long has he been the most important person in my life?

08-08-16_9-11-28 PM

How long have I…?

08-13-16_12-42-37 AM

I can’t even believe I’m writing this. It’s just so… wrong, isn’t it? I mean, he’s my boss. He’s older than my parents. And I already have a boyfriend! A sweet, funny, kind boyfriend who makes me feel beautiful.

Elliot’s an amazing guy. He really is.

08-08-16_8-42-09 PM

But… Is he as amazing as Mark? As sweet? As funny? As kind?

Those are questions I’m too afraid to answer.

08-25-16_2-31-53 PM

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

44 Responses to 4.35: How Long?

  1. theplumbob says:

    So my thoughts while I was reading this were kind of like this.

    1. Man that library is so beautiful!
    2. Joce I’m with you girl, you definitely you should get out of Clara’s firing range right now. Maybe you could set up camp at the library.
    3. Or at Mark’s.
    4. Oh yeah, actually you have a boyfriend you could crash with. That would seem like the more sensible option.
    5. Aww ❤ She's being honest with herself.
    6. Wonder what she'll do next?

    Liked by 4 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hehehehe I will respond to your thoughts 😛

      1. Yes! Rae did such a fantastic job. I adore that build!
      2. Yes, Clara is not very stable right now… LMAO. I mean, in addition to the usual hormones, she is beyond hurt and guilty and sad, and… yeah. She is not well right now hehe Hide Joce, hide!
      3. At Mark’s, you say? *raises eyebrow*
      4. It WOULD seem more sensible, wouldn’t it? 😉 But Elliot is about the last thing on Joce’s mind right now hehe
      5. Yes! “Step one — admitting the feelings are there” has been checked off her list 😉
      6. Who knows? 😛 Hehehe wait and see! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

    • raerei says:

      You’re welcome to download the library if you wish, Plumbob – the top floor isn’t finished yet. It’s where the private study rooms will go. But gah – if I could live in that library. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Jes2G says:

    Heh, yeah…keep writing, girl. lol

    Liked by 2 people

  3. sonniejj says:

    Is Joce slowly boarding the SS Marklyne? 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. azzywoods says:

    Aw jeez. That’s a mess with Clara and that. Breaking up with love of your life + pregnancy makes for an angry person, I guess.

    Oh Jocelyne. I guess I’m not in the sea anymore. #Marklyne. I wonder what she’s going to do- this situation is not easy for her, plus then there’s the Clara drama, and Auggy’s secret and…this poor girl. Why do you do this? SMH

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Senna says:

    Well, I can see this heading into “Bermuda Love Triangle” territory.

    Or something.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. witchazard says:

    Watch it Joce your codependency is showing. I love how you’re struggling with your feelings for Mark but if you don’t get the ball rolling he’s going to move on just a feeling. You know I love drama. Clara how would you think we broke up didn’t you terminate it? Also Florian I don’t care what’s going on plum the tour get on a plane and talk to your wife and fix this! You heard me I said wife cause no one is messing with my favorite ship not even you Citizen.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hahaha you are the second or third person to suggest Florian hop on a plane! An in person solution might be in order, but it might not be able to happen for a while…

      And yes, Joce should figure out what to do about these feelings! We’ll see what ends up happening… 😛

      Like

  7. peacesign101 says:

    Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

    Liked by 2 people

  8. shamanarza says:

    Luckily only the female needs to be young-ish to keep the legacy running? Joce might end up an early widow, but those years would be so calm and satisfied.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hahahaha that’s definitely one way of looking at things! 😛 I’m glad you are onboard. But we still need to figure out if Mark is! Hehehe

      Like

      • shamanarza says:

        Part of me hopes he’s not, simply because of how *tremendously* inappropriate it would be for a boss to be dating his subordinate. Would Mark or Joce give up a position they really love in order to make things more kosher? Is Joce just mixing up ‘admiration’ with ‘crush’? Is Mark going through some kind of mid-life crisis? Do they actually mesh, or will Mark realize that she’s a bit too naive for his tastes?

        Any or all of these will end up with someone’s heart broken. And considering the author…

        Liked by 1 person

    • JoieWilder says:

      Calm…right. Are we reading the same story?

      Liked by 2 people

  9. kaffepigen says:

    I knew it!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Joce you gem – you’re not only being honest with others you’re being honest with yourself. Did you get the entire generation’s worth of that stuff to yourself? =p Now you need to be honest with Elliot =p I have faith in you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hehehehe Joce definitely has way more honesty than most Rosebrooks, doesn’t she? 😛 And yes, I think Elliot is someone she has to be honest with too! But we’ll see…

      Liked by 1 person

  11. NessyRosy says:

    Poor Joce 😦 I’m sorry she’s having a hard time with Clara right now. It’s a wise decision of hers to walk away and take a breather 🙂

    I understand where both Clara and Joce are coming from, especially Clara. Sometimes when you’re so hurt and don’t know what to do, the people closest to you get the brunt of your mood swings and anger when you don’t mean it to be directed at them (even though it’s not fair, it happens + pregnancy doesn’t help ;P ) and it can be a wonderful thing to have someone around that knows you don’t mean what you say and can understand the pain you’re going through, and even help you by letting you know you’re doing it and find a healthy way of letting the frustration go. However, Clara has yet to explain the full situation to Joce and so her only recourse is to accept it or walk away for a while.

    I shall keep my fingers crossed that Clara is able to talk to someone about everything and she can start to apologise to Joce for her actions (which might be difficult for her ;P ), or even realise when she’s doing it and stop. Poor girl has a lot to deal with and I feel for her 😦 ❤

    I'm glad Joce is so caring that she was able to get away and write it down to help calm down 🙂 Now she's got the whole confusion and mixed up feelings to deal with regarding Elliot and Mark, that's a situation I hope to never experience! 😛 I'm so proud of her for realising that she cares for Mark more than Elliot and isn't lying to herself 😀

    Poor girl, it must be so hard to have to deal with knowing she loves Mark and worrying about what to do about it and what the repercussions would be of letting it out in the open 😦 How does he feel? (I think he feels the same and is having a hard time himself trying to not let it show 😉 ), How will Elliot feel if she breaks up with him? How does she feel about the age difference? Does she care that others might if they both do end up seeing each other? SO many things to ponder…

    I look forward to seeing what happens in the future, I think she may be a bit awrward around both for a while…Also, great little screenshot for the 'Clueless' homage, you did an awesome job 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Thanks, Nessy! Yeah, Clara is NOT in a good place right now. She’s a total mess of anger, guilt, sadness, and hormones! Haha and like you said, a lot of times it’s just easier to take it out on those around you. And unfortunately, that means Joce!

      And yes, this was a big one for Jocelyne — She’s finally acknowledging that the feelings are there… But now she has to figure out what to do about it! Like you said, there’s a lot to ponder for her right now… We’ll see what happens!

      Glad you liked the Clueless shot! 😛

      Like

  12. Mumei No says:

    Poor Joce! Needs to work out things together, and be true to herself about Mark, if she really loves him, the world willl have to deail with it! Don’t know what, but I have a feeling that the Mark thing willl be next ‘problem” of the famiy…and that Joce will explode sometime and scream to both Gus and Clara, because It’s a lot of pressure, and I really liked the last photo,, nice to see her smiling.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I love that — “If she loves him, the world will have to deal with it!” 😀 Hopefully that’s true? Haha

      Good prediction about Mark causing the family’s next big “problem”… but we’ll see! 😛

      Like

  13. maladi777 says:

    *grinning happily* YES!!! Marklyne will sail into the sunset.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. SpurklyNinja says:

    Definitely appreciate the “Clueless” scene 😀

    Clara… : /

    *whispers* Marklyne shall sail

    Liked by 2 people

  15. CitizenErased14 says:

    Hahaha we’ll see! I like the Monica and Richard comparison, though hopefully if Marklyne ever happens, it would have a better ending? XD

    And I use a cc notebook you can find on Mod The Sims 🙂

    Like

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hahahhaha well I’m not. HUGE fan of friends, but I used to watch it with my mom when I was younger 😀

      Like

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      The cc notebook has the same writing interactions as a computer. 🙂 They can write books and also practice writing. They gain the writing skill when they use it (every Rosebrook heir has a level 8 or higher writing skill… Who would have guessed? 😉 )

      Liked by 1 person

  16. raerei says:

    Aw, Joce – notebooks are great for coming to terms with your feelings, although stalker much? At the library. hahahah. Betcha Mark totally sees you hanging out there. The question is, of course, you’re all ready to board the Marklyne, but is he!? That is half the battle of any relationship.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Virtualee says:

    I am assuming Mark feels the same way – but I cant wait to find out Squuueee

    Liked by 1 person

  18. theceltygirly says:

    You’re in the library, Jocelyne. Mark is in the library. 😉 😉 😉 😉 😉 😉

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s