4.20: Get Through This

Oh my God. Today has just been…

I’m not even sure I can come up with a word to describe it.

It was even worse than yesterday. Way worse.

I guess I should start with the one good thing that happened – Clara’s not pregnant.

Waiting for that little stick to change color was probably the scariest two minutes of my life. I can’t even imagine how Clara must have felt.

She didn’t say much. She just cried the whole time. And when we saw the result, she cried even harder.

But it was good tears that time… I think. She went back to her room right after. All I got was a half-mumbled “thanks”, and that was it.

I wanted to say something to her – Ask how this happened (well, I know “how”, but…) and figure out a way to help. But it was just too awkward. So I decided to wait for things to calm down and stuff, know what I mean?

But they didn’t calm down. At all.

Papa got home from his game last night really late, which is pretty normal. What wasn’t normal was all the yelling.

I’m not sure what started it, but he and maman started screaming at each other. They said all this SUPER embarrassing stuff about… Like sex and stuff. Oh my God.

And that wasn’t even the worst part… Maman said Papa cheated on her!

I couldn’t even believe what I was hearing. I was up almost all night, just crying and crying.

Even writing about it is making me want to cry again… I know things were getting kind of weird between my parents for a  while now… But cheating?! Why? How could he?!

Maman and Papa tried to make us feel a little better this morning – they knew Luc and I heard them last night. We didn’t even have to say anything.

They apologized, of course. They promised us that everything would be okay, and that if anything was going to… “happen”, we’d be the first ones to know.

And then I just had to ask. I couldn’t stand not knowing.

Papa said it was true – He cheated on maman. “But not the way you’re thinking”, he promised. And maman backed him up.

They didn’t say any more than that, so I’m still not 100% sure exactly what Papa did. I guess this means he didn’t… y’know, do anything with this other woman, at least… But whatever he did do must have still been pretty bad.

And of course, that wasn’t the end of it.

Maman told us she found Clara’s pregnancy test last night.

So after they sat me and Luc down, Papa went upstairs to talk to Clara, and maman gave the two of us some money.

“Why don’t you two take Gus out for some ice cream?” She asked us.

Yeah, sure. Because with everything going on with my family, ice cream definitely tops my priority list, right?

I knew what she was doing. And so did Luc. So we didn’t argue.

Poor Gus has no idea what’s going on. He sleeps like a rock – didn’t hear a peep from maman and Papa last night, from the sound of it. So Luc and I had to try and pretend everything was okay.

Way easier said than done. Especially when I still haven’t forgiven my Bruder for the opening night of my play… Or even for a couple months ago, when I got kicked out of my own bedroom just so he could practice with his stupid band.

How was I supposed to sit there and pretend it was all okay? It’s not. I’m just so mad. And not just at Luc. I’m mad at Papa for hurting maman and keeping secrets from all of us. I’m mad at maman for lying about everything being okay. I’m mad at Clara for not listening to any of us and getting herself into this whole mess…

Ugh.

Anyway, we just got home a few minutes ago. I wasn’t really sure what else to do, so I decided to sit down and try to get all of this down on paper while it’s fresh in my mind. Maybe sometime later I can go back and read this and try to make sense of everything.

Because nothing makes sense right now.

Okay, I’m wondering if maybe we should have stayed out a little longer… I can still hear Oma and Opa talking to Clara next door. No yelling, at least. I can’t make out anything they’re saying… But I bet they’re just trying to calm Clara down. She’s sobbing so loud it almost drowns them out.

And maman’s been crying too, I think. Her eyes were all red when we got home.

And Papa’s just sitting out in the backyard. I almost think he might be crying too… But it’s hard to tell from my window.

I guess bis-vovó’s the only one not wrapped up in all the drama right now. Once Gus ran off to his bedroom, she gave me and Luc a big hug.

“Everything will be okay,” she promised us. “Our family’s strong. We’ll get through this. We always do.”

I guess right now all I can do is really, really hope she’s right.