4.16: Might Be

It’s been more than a week, and I still can’t stop thinking about what Clara said.

This thing with Anna…  Is it really cheating? Why is she telling people we’re dating? We’re just friends… Aren’t we?

The fact that I even have to ask that question scares the hell out of me.

I can barely even look at Colette anymore. Every time I do, I just feel so sick.

And I haven’t been looking at Anna either. We haven’t gone out since that night I talked to Clara… I even skipped my PT sessions all last week. Because looking at her made me feel sick too.

I hadn’t seen her at all since today.

But this afternoon, I finally decided to show for our session. I’d been making so many excuses not to, but I really needed to talk to her. I couldn’t put it off any longer.

I didn’t know what else to do, so I just kinda came out and asked her – Was she really telling people we were dating?

And I really, really hoped she was gonna say no.

But she didn’t.

Instead, she looked really confused for a second. And then she asked me “We’re not?”

I seriously had no idea what to say. I mean, I wanted to say no. I really really wished I could… But then I realized we might be.

Like I said, Lettie and I had skipped that whole part of our relationship. I’ve never really known what it felt like to be dating someone before. Could that really be what this is?

Shit.

So I stood there like an idiot for way longer than I should have, and all I managed to choke out was “I’m married.”

Then Anna just gave me one of those cute smiles, and told me she knows.

And I didn’t say anything.

What the hell am I doing? This is wrong, isn’t it? I mean, it sure as hell feels wrong…

But the more I think about it, the more confused I feel. I mean, I haven’t done anything bad, have I?

So what if Anna thinks we’re dating? That doesn’t hurt anyone. As long as she stops telling people we are (which she promised me today she would), where’s the harm in that?

And it’s not like we’ve kissed or anything. Not even on the cheek. We haven’t even held hands. And we definitely haven’t had sex. Now THAT would be wrong. BEYOND wrong.

But you know, there are some people who let their spouses sleep around and they still don’t call it cheating. Lots of people have those kind of relationships. Hell, even Stefan tried it, for a while.

I used to kinda judge him for it, but maybe it wasn’t such a crazy idea after all…

Jesus, I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.

But what I do know is this: I love my wife.

I don’t love Anna.

But she sure is a hell of a lot more fun.