3.14: Coward

I think I’m officially the worst mother in the world.

And I’m sure Tobias thinks so too.

We had a pretty nasty fight today… Probably one of the worst we’ve had. Hell, maybe even worse than I’ve had with Stefan (and trust me, that’s saying something).

03-21-16_8-18-39 PM

It was about that girlfriend of his. It always is.

Even though it’s still a few months away, he’s already begging to spend Christmas with her this year. Says he’s already started saving his money, and promises to pay for the whole trip himself.

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As if that would change my mind.

We’ve been through this before. He had to know what my answer would be.

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I guess I just wasn’t ready for his reaction.

He said some pretty horrible things. Called me names I never dreamed he’d call me. And my God, did it hurt. Like Hell.

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And the worst part is that I probably deserve every word of it. If only he knew.

But I lashed back, of course. Me and my goddamn temper.

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Jonas always has my back on this sort of thing. But even he was pissed at me when he heard what happened.

He told me I’m taking it too far. He says I need to tell Tobi the truth.

And that I have to stop putting my own feelings before my son’s happiness.

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And he’s absolutely right. I’m being selfish… I’m a coward. I’m too goddamn afraid to just suck it up and face this thing.

But it’s so fucking hard.

I’ll never forget that first summer, when Tobi came home and told us all about his adventures at camp. He wouldn’t stop talking about his new friend, Colette. And at the time, I thought it was pretty damn cute.

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“Colette What?” I’d asked him.

“Colette Katz.”

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The sound of that name just about made my heart stop beating. Katz. I’d only ever heard a name like that once before…

But it had to be a coincidence, didn’t it?

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Then he told me more.

Like how her mother lived in France…

“Who is she?!”

“H-her name’s Amelie… She’s an exchange student, from Champs Les Sims…”

6e

Or how her father’s half-Spanish…

“Did you seriously just tell me my FUR is pretty? You’re such a weirdo, Diego.”

“No! I keep telling you, ‘pelo’ means hair!”

“Not in Portuguese…”

2

And that he had grown up in Windenburg…

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Jesus Christ.

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Just when things finally start looking up, the universe has to step in and fuck it all up again.

Until now, I’ve had time on my side. Tobi really was too young to be travelling on his own before this – Diego or no Diego. But I’m running out of excuses. And Tobi’s running out of patience. Fast.

I know I’m being so unfair. I’m sure Colette’s a very sweet girl – she certainly sounds like it from the way Tobi goes on and on about her. But…

I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I’d ever be able to stand even looking at her. I’m not strong enough. I know I’m not.

03-21-16_8-13-12 PM

And I definitely don’t want my son anywhere near that Scheißkerl Diego… or that bitch he knocked up, either.

It’s been 17 years. I need to put it behind me. I know I do. I know I should. But I can’t stop feeling so angry. Even now that I have my boys. Even now that I have Jonas. Even now that we’re finally moving forward in our life together. I just can’t.

03-21-16_8-15-37 PM

How can I ever stop hating the person who ruined my entire fucking life? Who betrayed me worse than anyone ever has? Who made me hate myself? Who started me down a path I never thought I’d escape from?

03-21-16_8-18-09 PM

I know I can’t forgive. But I thought I could at least forget.

But I can’t.

I dunno… Maybe I need to start talking to Dr. Durand again. For a while, at least.

Maybe he can help me through this whole thing. Maybe he can help get me to a place where I can deal with this…

But right now… I just can’t.

And my poor Tobi is suffering because his mother is too much of a fucking coward to change…

03-21-16_8-21-19 PM

 

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63 Responses to 3.14: Coward

  1. kaffepigen says:

    Interesting chapter. It’s nice tohear from Mari again, and to see her side of things.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Thanks! She is really struggling right now. She knows she’s wrong/being irrational, but she is just too afraid to face her fears about Diego, unfortunately 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Trip says:

    Holy shit! And here I thought that she’d just thinking that Tobi was making the same mistakes she did.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Senna says:

    Somehow I just had a feeling that was the reason Mari wouldn’t let him go spend time with Colette…

    And seeing Jonas mad at Mari…Ouch. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Yes, now we know the truth!!! (And that part made me sad too. Jonas loves Mari and supports her, but I think he’s getting frustrated here. And as Tobi’s step-dad, d doesn’t wanna step on Mari’s toes or anything. So all he can do is hope she’ll change… 😦 )

      Like

  4. sonniejj says:

    Poor Mari, I really feel bad for her 😦 It sucks when you feel something that you know you shouldn’t, and you feel guilty for feeling it, but you can’t make it stop.
    I hope Mari does find a way to get over it, though. To make Tobi happy but also so that she finds peace. She’s doing great now, but I feel like she’s still struggling with a lot of things from her past.

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I feel bad for her too! And you’re right, she is really recognizing that her feelings are irrational/”wrong”… But she can’t help it, really :-/

      Like

  5. raerei says:

    Yes, you know you can’t deal with it alone and you’re looking for whelp outside yourself!!! Watpy to go Mari!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Simslover163 says:

    Glad to hear Mari’s side again. I feel so bad for her! 😦

    Hope things get better for her! #TeamRecovery

    Liked by 1 person

  7. audreyfld says:

    All I can say is suck it up Mari! She already knows she can’t go down this path. Yes, of course it hurts – no doubt, but it is time to grow a pair. Mari is going to have to forgive Diego for what he did and stop giving him power over her happiness. How could that possibly make Jonas feel when an ex-boyfriend elicits such a strong reaction from her. She cannot continue to hate Diego for hurting her. If she does, she will never be able to ever accept Tobias and Colette. Make that phone call and see the doc before it’s too late and you alienate your entire family. 😦 Got that off my chest. Whew. Better now. 🙂 I am on #TeamRecovery but I just no longer feel sorry for her, I feel sorry for her boys, her husband and Colette.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hahaha are you sure you didn’t mean #TeamNoSympathy ? 😛 It’s okay. It’s interesting to see a big diversity of opinion amongst my readers! I am very inclined to defend them and sympathize with them so don’t mind me haha

      We’ll see how things go from here for Mari and her family 🙂 Thanks for reading!

      Like

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      And you do make some good points as well, by the way!

      Like

  8. z3nc0 says:

    I want to say this chapter is somewhat sweet in a way but I’m me so I won’t. However I will say that Mari needs to learn to deal with things ‘on her own’. By that I mean she can’t politely rely on others to tell her how to fix her problems. She can’t just rely on Dr. Durand and Jonas. Or as I would normally day, grow a pair and deal with it.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Farbkleckswelten says:

    Ah so she IS Diegos daughter. I had a feeling it might be that, I mentioned him yesterday.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Jes2G says:

    Yeah…go see the good doctor, Mari. I agree with Audrey on this one. She needs to get it together, forgive Diego, and stop blaming him for everything because it takes two to tango. Yes, he did some mucked up stuff, but SHE got herself into this mess. And now because of the mess she made, her poor gorgeous son is suffering and he has no idea why. It’s not fair, and she needs to fix this.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      It’s definitely not fair to Tobi… But at least Mari recognizes that? It’s that a point for #TeamBabySteps? Hahaha I know she’s super frustrating right now though. It’s Mari though. She’s always going to be frustrating 😛

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jes2G says:

        Yes, I do appreciate that she does recognize the issue. Yay for that, but…you know. 🙂 I’m wondering…how in the world did she think she could ever forget about what happened? That’s like impossible! You can never deny the past. You can move past it and be free from it by forgiving the parties involved, but you’ll never forget…and you shouldn’t! It’s how future generations learn. HA! Imagine not learning about the Holocaust or slavery in school because all the Jews and all the ex-slaves forgot what happened to them LOL. Sorry…I’m feeling punchy…you know why. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  11. maladi777 says:

    Surprisingly I uderstand her feelings, I really do. But she could have told Tobias about this, broken heart is nothing to be ashamed of. He’s old enough to understand. The lack of communication is the worse part. I’m sure they would find a compromise if they talked instead of yelling.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Honesty would definitely help here! But my characters hate having difficult conversations and confessing tough truths 😛 Poor things XD Hopefully she can tell the truth soon… We’ll see! 🙂

      Like

  12. iveretree says:

    Hahaha you would have blown my mind if I didn’t stalk the comments with such dedication XD

    Liked by 1 person

  13. theplumbob says:

    I was really hoping seeing Mari’s side would show us something that would make us empathise with her take on the situation, but nothing of that sort seemed to have happened sadly. Mari needs to get over herself. More importantly, she needs to realise that forbidding her son from seeing Colette is not going to prevent him from seeing her; it will just alienate him, if not completely cause her to loose any relationship she has with her son. Sigh.

    Like

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Oh no! Hahaha your comment has wilted my flower just a bit… Because you kinda WERE supposed to empathize with her a little… So I guess I did not do my job very well in this chapter 😦 Hopefully I will be more successful next time! 🙂

      And you do make a good point about alienating Tobi, by the way. Hopefully she’ll change but we’ll see.

      Like

      • theplumbob says:

        You know I’m not good at feeling sorry for Mari haha! She’s just too frustrating. Boohoo your son likes your ex’s child, so what? Everybody has parents…

        Liked by 1 person

        • CitizenErased14 says:

          Haha that’s true. You’re on #TeamNoSympathy haha (but you definitely aren’t alone) Maybe someday I can write her effectively enough to sway you guys lol. This is proving to be a good practice in character development for me! I took Mari too far and am now paying the price XD

          Like

          • theplumbob says:

            Oh, I wouldn’t see it that way. You can’t write every character in a way that would be sympathetic to everyone, that would be boring. if all characters in stories were likeable, it would be too boring 🙂

            Like

  14. silentwolfy101 says:

    I had a feeling… But Mari, Toby’s gonna end up running away if you keep stopping him…

    Liked by 1 person

  15. kaffepigen says:

    I don’t think she will ever be able to forgive him, and to be honest, i don’t think she should. What he did is unforgivable! I have experienced some stuff in the past with my ex which i can’t forgive him for. But i still have moved forwatd and it doesn’t control me any longer. I think she should do the same. Don’t try to forgive if you don’t feel you can. Instead accept your past as a part of you and move forward. It’s the only way to be happy.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I wish WordPress had an Insightful button! This was a great comment (though I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had some bad experiences!). Thank you for sharing your perspective!

      Liked by 1 person

  16. EddieSims says:

    So my theory was indeed correct! LOL. I think a Mari and Diego confrontation/conversation is coming but I find her feelings towards Diego and Colette to be unjust. After learning he cheated on her she never confronted him to express her rage and her disappointment because of what he did to her. She chose to ignore him with the hope that those feelings would go away on their own and they never did and that’s why she ended up down that destructive path. It’s not Diego’s fault that she made bad decisions in her life and I think she needs to start realising that first. Yes Diego betrayed her but she’s being unreasonable in holding him responsible for her mistakes and for seeing Colette as the reason her life was ruined. Colette was an innocent child who did nothing to her! And this being her reason to keep Tobi and Colette apart is just wrong. She IS being selfish and a coward. I mean its been 17 years! If it had been 17 months then I could understand. She has to try to forgive Diego by realising that she too made mistakes. She also cheated on Humberto who, even though they weren’t officially together, loved her a lot and she knew that. Diego was young and stupid, and though that’s no excuse for cheating, people make dumb mistakes when they’re young because they don’t think about the consequences and how their decisions can hurt others. Mari of all people should understand that!

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      The only things in your comment I will disagree with is Mari’s feelings toward Colette. She actually doesn’t harbor any ill-will toward her… It’s 100% Diego haha.

      You are correct that she should have confronted him years ago. Holding on to that anger and pain is what got her into that giant mess back in Gen 2 in the first place. I think it’s “easier” for Mari to 100% blame Diego than to acknowledge that it was her own fault as well.

      We will see if/when/how this all gets resolved! Thank you for reading 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • kaffepigen says:

        I honestly don’t see how Mari could have any fault in what happened with Diego, at all! It is 100 % her fault though, how she acted afterwards. All those years with anger boiling inside of her, using men and sex to soothe the pain. I hope she’s learned her lesson and play nicely if she ever meets Diego again and that she doesn’t slap him across his handsome face.

        Like

        • CitizenErased14 says:

          Oh yes, I didn’t mean that what happened with Diego was her fault! I meant the outcome — she blames Diego pretty much 100% for her downward spiral. But she brought that upon herself. Obviously knocking the other girl up was all him haha. 🙂 Sorry for the misunderstanding XD

          Like

  17. Told you it’d be one awkward wedding one day 😛

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Spottydog714 says:

    My heart is breaking! Mari is so negative about herself. If she keeps thinking like this then she’ll never move on. And don’t you know? You should forgive, but not forget. Forgiveness is POWERFUL. It will release your hurt. (That was so cheesy! 😉 )

    Also, you need to tell your sons! They need to know who there father is, why this is happening. You’ll fix your family by talking, and tear it apart by not! You just have to sit down down, over the dinner the table while eating a roast, then follow it up with, ‘pass the gravy’ before anyone can say anything and watch in amusement as your sons spill food all over themselves in shock horror! Totally not hard and awkward at all! 😀

    All the same, I know it’s hard. Still, despite my best intentions, the drama is what keeps me coming back and keeps me wanting to know what happens next. Love the update, and am binge reading the next three. Can’t wait to see what happens next! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      It’s definitely tough for Mari right now, but what you said is true — Forgiveness is very powerful! And hopefully Mari can get there one day!

      I’m glad you are enjoying the drama! There’s a lot a more to come 😉 Thank you so much for reading! And your comments are always wonderful ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  19. I don’t like Mari very much right now (that probably makes me sound so heartless, haha), but I feel like she’s held onto this a little too long. She has a loving husband, two amazing kids, and a supportive family. It might have felt like Diego ruined her life for a while, but it seems like it’s pretty okay now. And anyway, high school romances don’t usually last, that’s even more true for first romances. I hope she can at least try and put those feelings behind her, for her kid’s sake.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hahaha I promise you aren’t alone! Most readers don’t like Mari, and that’s ok. (I secretly love her so much. But I’m very biased hahaha) She definitely has been holding on to this for a long time. But she also has pretty deep psychological scars, and blames Diego for her downfall, since his infidelity was the catalyst (though we know she really did it to herself!). It’s digging up a lot of bad memories for her, and she’s really struggling with dealing with it all…

      You’ll see what comes of it all soon! You’re actually pretty close to catching up!!!

      Liked by 1 person

  20. When you have nothing to say, blame the author #shametheblame

    Liked by 1 person

  21. CitizenErased14 says:

    Ah yes, you’ve reached the twist! Hahahaha Yeah this is REALLY hard for Mari to deal with… She’s come quite far since she was younger, but she is still so fragile and so scarred by her past…

    Liked by 1 person

  22. Good Mari, you aren’t trying to deal with it alone this time. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  23. theceltygirly says:

    dang… DANG! When did I last call you Satan? because SATAN!

    Like

  24. ny275 says:

    Oh snap! I thought… but I didn’t want to believe… and now you confirmed… but still I say let the kids be together lol!

    Liked by 1 person

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