5.27: Deal With It

Holy shit. Holy fucking shit.

For once, I don’t mean that in a good way. At all.

My hands are still shaking and my heart won’t stop racing. Tonight was one of the scariest nights of my entire life.

It started out just fine. I got home from work, and Mateo texted me and invited me to his party tomorrow night. Then Victoria called to geek-out about the latest episode of Chef Showdown. The usual sort of stuff, right?

Then, just when I was sitting down to start some homework, Eun knocked on my door. He needed me to do another delivery. I’d already done three this week, but I didn’t mind one more… I mean hell, I make 50 euros every time. Easy money… And I can never have enough of that.

So I took the envelope and headed to meet up with the ‘client’, as Eun likes to call them. When I got there, I realized it’s a guy I’ve delivered to before, so I didn’t think anything of it.

But after I handed over the envelope, he didn’t hand me his cash and walk away like they normally do. He just kinda stood there, staring at me for a few seconds. Like he was waiting for something. Then he finally asked me “Where’s the rest?”

I kept telling him I had no idea what he was talking about, but he wouldn’t listen. He just kept saying it wasn’t enough, and asking me where the rest of it was.

Then it happened.

I was so sure he was going to literally kill me, right then and there. I’ve never been so afraid in my entire life. Thank God he didn’t do anything worse… He just dropped me to the ground and kicked me a few times before he left. My chest is killing me… I already think I’ve got a bruise.

But honestly, I’m counting myself lucky that’s all he left me with.

I ran straight back to Eun and told him what happened. And damn it, I started crying like a little bitch when I told him. It was humiliating. And I think it pissed him off too. He looked really annoyed… And I guess it was hard to tell whether it was at me, or the guy who beat me up.

Either way, he tossed a couple hundred euros at me “for my trouble”, told me not to tell anyone what happened, and promised me he’d “take care of it”, whatever that means. Then he practically pushed me back out into the hallway and closed the door behind me.

I called Tante Joce the second I walked through my door. I knew I couldn’t tell her anything about what was going on… But I just needed to hear her voice. I made some stupid small talk about school and all this other crap I don’t actually care about. And I guess it helped a little… But honestly? This is so embarrassing, but I swear to God I would have given anything just for her to hug me and tell me everything’s gonna be okay. I just… really, really needed that.

The point is, I’ve never felt closer to wanting to go back home than I do right now. I seriously meant what I said a couple months ago – about my life feeling like a rollercoaster. Some days, everything seems so great. I feel happy and independent and grown-up and I just know that moving out was the best decision I ever made.

But there are times when I just feel like I can’t handle this anymore. I miss not having to pay bills. I miss being able to sit around playing video games all day. I miss having a house full of people to talk to. I miss seeing my family every day. I miss just being a normal kid.

Ever since I met that girl… I know I’ve already spent pages and pages talking about her, but it’s really stuck with me. Hope wasn’t just beautiful. She was so nice, and normal… With a family that was a lot like mine. A family that could be annoying and overprotective… But a family that loved her. And I’m glad I didn’t help her make the exact mistake I’ve been making.

Lying to my family. Pushing them away. Wasting my time on so much stupid shit, and ignoring what really matters. Sitting here in my crappy little apartment pretending to be someone I’m not. Getting mixed up in all this shit with Eun just so I can pay the bills…

I don’t know. Maybe I’m making too big of a deal about this whole thing. I just need to take a deep breath and try to calm down. I mean, I know I’ll feel better about everything tomorrow. And honestly, writing it all down kinda helps a little already.

Moving out was my choice. I’m the one who put myself in this situation. And it’s my responsibility to suck it up, figure it out, and deal with it…

On my own.