5.15: Shot Down

Ugh. I seriously hate my life. Everything’s just so messed up right now. I just need a minute to vent about it or something. Maybe that’ll help me feel better.

So, I tried talking to Tante Joce the other day about moving out… And she just shut me down! She wouldn’t even listen to what I had to say!

She just kept saying all this shit about how I can’t afford it – even though I have tens of thousands of euros sitting in a bank account waiting for me! Actually more like hundreds of thousands, I bet. Papa and Onkel Florian’s band never really hit it as big as other bands out there, but I’m not an idiot. I know they did pretty damn well for themselves. And I know Papa left me more than enough to be able to live on my own!

But of course Tante Joce said no.

And when I even said I’d get a job to pay for rent instead (which I’d totally be willing to do!) she still shot me down!

This is exactly what I’m talking about when I say she babies me – she won’t listen. She won’t give me a chance!

It made me so mad… And then I kinda made things worse, I guess.

I ended up calling her a bitch. And I’ve never called her that before. Ever. I still feel like shit for saying it. I mean, no matter how ridiculous or unfair she was being, Tante Joce didn’t deserve that. I know she didn’t. Me and my big mouth.

Dom says I totally blew it. He thinks she’ll probably never understand what I was trying to say, because she’ll be too caught up being mad that I called her a bitch. And I kinda can’t help worrying that he might be right.

But Remi made me feel a little better, at least. He says River’s called Tante Clara a bitch a bunch of times, but it always blows over. “Mama knows she doesn’t mean it,” he told me. “I’m sure this’ll be the same.”

And I really, really hope he’s right. Because I know I can’t apologize now, no matter how bad I feel. It’s too late. It’s been too long. And it’ll make it look like I’m saying she was right or something. And she wasn’t. She was being ridiculous and overprotective, just like she always is.

Anyway, I think Remi maybe had a point. I mean, it’s been like three days, and Tante Joce still hasn’t mentioned it. So maybe she’s over it? Of course, she hasn’t really said much to me at all, to be honest. Neither has grandpa. Or Oma and Opa. It almost feels like Tante Joce asked them not to. I mean, grandpa’s been giving me these… ‘looks’, y’know? Like he really wants to say something. But he never does.

I guess they’ve all kinda been looking at me a little weird though. Sometimes it’s like they’re mad. But other times it’s like they’re… nervous? Waiting for something to happen, I guess? It’s kinda hard to explain.

Even the girls noticed something was up. The three of them cornered me after dinner last night and asked me what happened… They could tell there was something weird going on. So I told them about it (minus the part where I called their mom a bitch… Something told me that wouldn’t be the best idea).

Tony got all nervous and started spewing all the same garbage Tante Joce was saying about why moving out’s a bad idea and how Tante Joce is just worried about me and blah blah blah. Typical Tony. I get that she’s trying to help, but… Ugh.

And I couldn’t believe it, but Alex actually laughed at me. She told me I’m being an idiot, and says everyone’s probably acting funny because they’re waiting for me to blow up and start “throwing a temper tantrum” again. Yeah, whatever. I’m starting to think I should have reserved the “bitch” title for her instead of Tante Joce…

Charlie was the only one who was at least a little helpful. Or at least not mean. Or annoying. She did roll her eyes at me though…

But anyway, she thinks they’re afraid I’m gonna try to run away or do something stupid like that. “If you do, it’s over.” That’s what she told me. She says if I’m serious about this thing, I need to give it some time, then try asking again another way. And in the meantime I should try to “earn some brownie points”.

Sounds like the best option, I guess — Play nice for a while and see what happens. I mean, what else can I do anyway?

I definitely can’t run away, even if everyone really thinks that’s what I’m gonna do. I’m not dumb. I know I can’t just leave without somewhere to stay. And where would I even go?

Until Tante Joce says I can leave, I’m stuck here. No matter what.

And it sucks.