3.16: Whole

03-24-16_9-10-43 PM

Jeez, I hope this coffee kicks in soon. I’m just so tired.

Probably because I’ve been up since the freaking crack of dawn.

03-24-16_8-53-48 PM

And, well, I guess I am most mornings. But today was different. Our whole family usually likes to sleep in on Sundays… Even me.

03-24-16_8-54-58 PM

But this morning, I just knew I had to get out of the house. Clear my head, you know? I’ve always loved going for walks, ever since I was a kid. And I knew that after what happened last night, I could definitely use some fresh air.

03-24-16_8-55-27 PM

So as soon as I was dressed, I grabbed my journal, left a quick note in the kitchen so Mama wouldn’t freak, and headed out the door.

03-24-16_8-57-58 PM

I didn’t really have anywhere particular in mind… I had too many thoughts jumbling around in my head to think straight anyway. So I just kinda started walking, I guess.

03-24-16_9-05-23 PM

I ended up down by the park where Tobi and I always used to play when we were kids. And to be honest, it just made me start thinking about how much things have changed since we were little.

And how much more they’re about to…

03-24-16_9-23-24 PM

Anyway, I didn’t make it very far before I ran into a familiar face – Katrina.

She’s in my science class at school… We’ve known each other for a really long time – her grandma Eva is one of my vovó’s best friends. And the way she was looking at me… Well, I think I’ve known for a while that she likes me. And I guess she’s kinda cute when she smiles, but… I dunno. I’ve always been kinda picky about girls, I guess… Not that I’ve had that many to choose from anyway.

03-24-16_9-18-31 PM

But when she asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her tonight, I figured why the Hell not? It’d be nice to get out of the house, and take my mind off of all the crap going on… Including Elena. (God, I can’t believe I’m still thinking about that bitch).

It was kinda fun talking to her, I guess. But it wasn’t until she was walking away that it hit me just how sad our conversation made me. But not for her or for me… For Tobi and Colette.

We complained about that stupid test we took in class last week (WAY too easy… but I didn’t tell Katrina that). We gossiped about a few of our classmates. We made plans to hang out together. It was so… normal, you know?

But things will never be normal for my Bruder ever again. Not anymore. Bottles, diapers, a screaming baby… That’s gonna be his new normal.

God Tobi, how did you fuck up so bad? I hope it was worth it.

03-25-16_8-57-14 PM

Anyway, a few minutes after Katrina left, I was hanging out on one of the benches when I saw this woman walking by with her husband or boyfriend or something… and she looked about ready to pop. Great. As if I needed yet another reminder of just how screwed up everything is right now.

It made me feel almost sick to my stomach to see her – that will be Colette in a few months…

And Mama too.

03-25-16_8-54-46 PM

Ugh. I can’t stop thinking about what I said to her last night. Me and my big mouth.

I still can’t believe this is really happening. It’s like my worst nightmare from back when I was a kid is finally coming true. I used to be TERRIFED about Mama and Jonas having a baby – replacing me and Tobi with a nice, normal family… One with a Mutter and a Vater…

The moment she told me about the baby, something in me just… snapped, I guess. It was like I was 10 years old again. And my worst fears were finally coming true.

03-22-16_8-46-19 PM

But I know it’s not Mama’s fault. It’s not even Jonas’ either, really. I mean, who wouldn’t want a normal family? Who wouldn’t want to have a kid with the person they’re married to? I just wish it didn’t hurt so damn much to see it happen.

And it kinda makes me wonder what Tobi will do, y’know? I mean, will he and Colette tie the knot one day? I sure hope so. That’s what a family’s supposed to be, isn’t it? Happy. Normal. Whole.

And, y’know, I think that’s my problem.

My whole life, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always been so unhappy. Not like some kind of depressed loser who mopes around all the time. Just… angry, I guess. At Mama, Tobi, Jonas…

And Hell, now I’m even mad at those babies too.

03-24-16_9-12-28 PM

And I think… Maybe I finally get why.

They all have it. They ALL have what I don’t.

And you know what? I’ll admit it – I’m jealous.

I mean, look at Mama. She’s got grandpa and vovó. And now she has Jonas… and the baby.

And then there’s Tobi. He’s got Mama, of course. And Jonas — he’s always been so damn eager to call him his Papa. And now he’s got Colette… and soon enough, he’ll have a baby too.

See? They all have it.

Mutter, Vater, Kinder.

Happy. Normal. Whole.

03-24-16_9-11-43 PM

Then there’s me. I’ve got Tobi. I’ve got Mama. And… that’s it.

Mutter. Kinder. But no Vater.

Kind of happy. Far from normal. And definitely not whole…

Seeing the rest of them so happy, seeing them have the type of family I’ve always dreamed of… It just… it just really gets to me, y’know? Because I want it. I want it more than anything.

I want to be happy. I want to stop being so mad all the time. Hell, I even want to get along with Jonas.

But I know I can’t.

Not until my family’s whole too. And I know it won’t be until I find him.

My Papa. My Vater.

I just wish I knew where to look.

03-24-16_9-13-56 PM

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60 Responses to 3.16: Whole

  1. sonniejj says:

    Poor Stefan … It’s good that he’s recognizing his own issues, but they’re not easy to get through. Maybe Mari isn’t the only one who needs someone to talk to.
    I really hope Stefan will be able to let go of some of that anger and accept the love his own family has to offer him. It may not be a convention type of family, but love is love 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Senna says:

    Oh, Stefan…

    Poor guy. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  3. kaffepigen says:

    I have conflicting emotions about this one.

    In one way, i feel with Stefan. Everybody should know where they come from, about their genetics. And it is so sad to see he’s still brooding about his biological father, as i don’t believe he will ever be able to find him. I mean, Mari really tried when they were born, to find their father, without success (and i know we had all hoped it was Humberto).

    I am also angry at Mari for not being honest with her boys about her past. They deserve to know what happened between her and Diego, especially Tobi. And also about her emotiobal rollercoaster and activities at that time, that resulted in her pregnancy. Maybe if they had been told earlier, they would have had time to deal with it emotionally, and Stefan would be more open to Jonas, and not so focused on finding theor biological farther.

    And then I’m a bit mad at Stefan. Tobias has opened up to Jonas, and even Stefan likes him. And he says that Tobi has their mother, grandparents AND Jonas. Stefan diesn’t even count Jonas as a part of HIS family. I believe Jonas has done so much for them all. He’s helped Mari get better, he’s made the family whole and basically been the father the boys never had. And he loves the boys and Mari so much. It hurts to see Stefan reject Jonas so much. I really hope that he will see sense soon. And I hope Mari will open up to the boys so they can understand.

    I’m sure that at first Stefan will hate his mother for the truth. I mean, what child wants to know that their mother was (excuse my language) a whore. Even Tobi won’t like the truth, i’. Sure. But with time they must come to see things from their Mother’s pov.

    Ah, finally done with the rant, hehe. I could keep on writing, but dinner is ready and I’m starving :p

    Liked by 3 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I love this comment! You make so many good points, and I pretty much agree with everything you’ve said here 🙂 The situation with Stefan and Jonas is really complicated. And it really does break my heart that Stefan doesn’t see what an amazing father figure he has in Jonas 😦 But the boy is just so dead set on finding his biological father. It’s very sad 😦

      Thank you so much for reading and commenting!

      Liked by 1 person

    • maladi777 says:

      I couldn’t have said it better myself. I feel sorry for Stefan too. He’s clearly very lonely. But his “isolation” is also his own doing.

      Liked by 2 people

  4. z3nc0 says:

    1) How is talking to a girl going to help. I mean, c’mon that’s like saying to help you get past your hated for the illuminati you need to become one. I know that examples a bit extreme but oh well.
    2) You don’t mention how easy a test is to impress a girl. That speaks for itself.
    3) You have everything you need, you have a father, you may not know him but you have one. And then you have a Jonas. On top of that, you have a brother that you actually like, no offence citizen but that’s slightly unrealistic.
    4) You and Tobi should ask the aliens to take you to the home planet, that you both don’t have to deal with crap anymore.
    5) I say that however citizen won’t allow that as it doesn’t create enough drama if they go to another planet and live giving no shits. He don’t care for you, he just wants us to be entertained which is soon cruelty.

    Like

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hahaha okay I will answer your questions/comments in order.

      1) Talking to the girl was a distraction from all the drama
      2) He DIDN’T tell her how easy it was for probably the exact reason you’re thinking 😉
      3) Stefan is kind of blind to how lucky he is to have Jonas. He just really wants to meet his biological dad. 🙂 And as for Tobi and Stefan’s relationship, most people I know have a wonderful relationship with their siblings, and I felt like having a rivalry would be cliche haha
      4) No aliens planned for this legacy. Sorry 😉
      5) You’re right, I want drama! 😉 (also, despite my avatar, I am a girl! :P)

      Like

  5. audreyfld says:

    I feel bad for Stefan. He has kept a lot of this to himself and so it has become an overpowering obsession. The fact that he is feeling sorry for himself in spite of the love he is surrounded with is very reminiscent of his Mother. It is normal for a child to want to know his biological parents or parent in this case. I don’t think he will sink to Mari depression levels – I really hope not anyway. He says he is happy just not whole. I hope Mari recognizes this tendency in him and finally sets the record straight and he will be forced to face the truth. His family is right here. They always have been and always will be. I just hope it isn’t too late and unless Mari has secrets she hasn’t shared she hasn’t a clue who their father is so I don’t see how he could find ever find him.

    I gotta go back and look at her parade of one night stands to see if there is a clue there. Ha! Knowing you, probably not. 😜

    On another note – Katrina – she looks like she would like to make him whole – wholely hers!!!! 😍

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      This was a really great and insightful comment! Stefan has certainly inherited some of Mari’s more negative tendencies, but I don’t think he will ever quite sink to the level she was at, thankfully!

      Still, finding his biological father has definitely become something of an obsession. I’m not sure whether he will ever find him, but Stefan certainly hopes he can!

      Like

  6. Spottydog714 says:

    Well. I’m playing guess-the-traits. Hot headed? Jealous? Family Oriented? Well, at least Stefan has recognised what is making him so angry. Baby Steps for sure. I mean, when Mari got to this point, she started that road to recovery.

    And aww… Katrina looks so much like her grandmother! #TeamStefrina maybe? Okay, I’m really getting ahead of myself. But it’s just like when we met Humberto and Mari only looked at him once, but he was important. I feel like we haven’t seen the last of Katrina!

    But Stefan, you need to regonise that your father isn’t coming back, I mean, he doesn’t know you exist!

    Mari, can’t you see? Your boys will keep hurting and your family will be pulled apart until you tell them the truth!

    And I checked. I’m wrong. Stefan is Hot-headed and Genius. (Which is why he found that test so easy! 😀 )

    As always, love the update, love seeing Stefan’s pespective! 🙂 Can’t wait to see what happens next!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. JoieWilder says:

    I really feel where Stefan is coming from with that need to know who is biological father is. My gen 2 heiress, Loralee, has met her father, but still went on a little journey as a teen to try to get to know that part of herself. And her adoptive brother is currently struggling to locate his biological father. So I totally get that drive. I just wish that he would handle it better, you know? Accepting Jonas a paternal figure in his life doesn’t mean there’s no room in his life for his biological father, too.

    Liked by 5 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Yeah, it’s very frustrating that Stefan has this very “black and white” view of the situation. 😦 He wants his “real”dad or nothing at all. His feelings are very understandable, but it’s like he’s taking it a little too far, which is very unfair to Jonas.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Jes2G says:

        Speaking of his real dad…go with me…

        Stefan meets his real dad and real dad doesn’t want anything to do with him. Then what? He goes back to Jonas and says, “oops…my bad! I guess you’re my real dad now?” No, Stefan. I understand the need to understand where he came from, but this behavior is very ungrateful. As someone mentioned earlier, Jonas has done so much for their family. Stefan is trying to have his cake and eat it too. You can’t be friends with the dude one minute and then swear him off the next! I wouldn’t have it lol.

        Liked by 1 person

        • CitizenErased14 says:

          Jonas is an incredibly patient man XD and he is highly sensitive to Stefan’s feelings. I made him too perfect XD

          Like

          • Jes2G says:

            And that’s great. SOMEBODY in this story has to be when my Alex is gone. :-p But seriously though, if my little scenario ever happens, I hope Stefan feels terrible. Like really really really horrible and just…rotten! There’s no excuse for the way he treats Stefan.

            Liked by 1 person

  8. Virtualee says:

    oh m Golly that one pregnant lady looks like she swallowed a baby whale wheeew that looks exhausting! Back to the story, I get it Stefan… I do , things will get better I know it.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. theplumbob says:

    I wonder what he expects from his biological dad? Surely, by this point the twins would have relised that since he wasn’t a presence in their lives since infancy, he either does not know they exist or abandoned their mom while she was pregnant. Hard to think too highly of him then?

    I guess if it was me I would be curious. Then again, my boyfriend doesn’t know his biological dad and never tried to seek him out, even though he does know his name. His stepdad is his dad to him, even though him and the mom have divorced (talk about complicated! Lol)

    Then again, perhaps he isn’t curious about his biological dad because there is know mystery, he knows that it was a guy that left his mom and had no interest of being in his life, he just paid child support. Stefan doesn’t really have any kind of information, good or bad, so it must be harder.

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      You do make a good point! Actually in a few chapters, Stefan will mention his fear that his dad is “bad” (is this a spoiler??? Sorry haha) because like you said, he thinks he either abandoned Mari when she was pregnant OR they had some kind of awful breakup before she knew she was pregnant and she never told him. Part of why he hasn’t been more direct in asking Mari about his bio-dad is that fear, y’know?

      I think Stefan has always felt like something of the odd one out in his family, and really just wants to know “where he came from”, and have a relationship with the man whose DNA he shares. I just wish he was a little more fair to Jonas in the process! 😦

      Liked by 1 person

    • maladi777 says:

      My half brother was a lot like Stefan as a kid. He wanted to meet his father (he didn’t remember him, he was still a baby when my mom and his father divorced), he dreamed of meeting him. And when my mom arranged the meeting and he actually saw him, he said: “This stranger is not my father.”
      He once had seen a man in front of school and was convinced it was his father. When he met the real one, he couldn’t accept it’s him, because he already had the perfect image in his head. It was very sad and from the moment he never asked to see his father again. And the father didn’t actually care.
      So it isn’t so surprising that Stefan has this image of a perfect father in his head too. This imaginary perfect father needs to be confronted with the real one for Stefan to move on. I don’t think a girlfriend can fix this.

      Liked by 3 people

      • CitizenErased14 says:

        This is very insightful! Wow, that is such a sad experience for your half brother to go through 😦 But it definitely helps parallel what Stefan is going through right now!

        I guess right now the biggest question is how Stefan is even going to find his father, since even Mari doesn’t know who he is… Then the next step would be finding out whether he’s a scumbag, or would actually care… But I guess one thing at a time haha

        Liked by 1 person

      • Jes2G says:

        Yeah, I think fear is definitely driving Stefan right now. Fear of the unknown. All he has is his pretend family in his mind, and so he’s holding onto it for dear life. I hate Frozen, but he should really “let it go.” His current life could be really awesome if he let it, but…I get it. He just wants answers. And, he should get them! *cough* *cough* Mari *cough* *cough*

        Liked by 2 people

  10. Jes2G says:

    Hmmm…at this point…does Jonas know about her lascivious ways? Feel free not to answer here if it’s spoilerish.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      He does know. Perhaps not 100% the extent of it, but enough. That was why on the day of their wedding, she made the comment “you knew what I was, you knew all the horrible shit I’ve done. Why would you ever want to marry me?” (or something like that haha)

      Like

  11. O'jenn says:

    #TeamJonas I honestly don’t feel for Stephan at all, is that bad?

    Like

  12. silentwolfy101 says:

    “And Jonas — he’s always been so damn eager to call him his Papa. And now he’s got Colette… and soon enough, he’ll have a baby too.” Error that threw me off for a few minutes…

    *hugs* Poor Stefan. 😦 I wish I could go into the game and hug and protect him from the evil Muse… 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Lol I’m not THAT evil… 😛 😉 Just in Munter’s story hehe But what error are you talking about? I don’t think there’s a typo there, just confusing language though haha so sorry for that!

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I don’t know. Isn’t he too old for this? I felt for him when he was a child, but he’s old enough now to understand certain things – like a simple fact that accepting Jonas is not going to replace his “real” dad or whatever he calls that man. I mean, isn’t it suspicious that his glorious dad never even showed up? Maybe he’s not the nicest man ever (certainly not as nice as Jonas, because that’s not possible 😛 )
    So while I totally understand his need to know his roots, I don’t understand why he has to be so mean about it. He’s old enough now to be considerate, isn’t he?

    (Great chapter, by the way. I’m afraid my comments can sometimes sound so angry that it appears I don’t like what you create. But I love it. Don’t doubt that 😀 )

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      You do make good points here about Stefan’s behavior/thoughts. Finding his biological father has become something of an obsession to him, and he’s so stubborn about it that he simply cannot accept Jonas as any sort of father-figure (again, he actually is fairly nice to Jonas most of the time. But we’ll see in an upcoming chapter a time when he is not as nice XD). It’s so unfair to Jonas, but Stefan is so set in his ways that he won’t really budge haha.

      And I appreciate that little comment at the end! I will admit to being guilty of having those thoughts before (not about you! Other comments along the way) where people are so mad at my characters that it feels like they don’t like my story or my writing and I get really sad about it. That little reminder was very good for me to hear, so thank you ❤ (I'm an overly sensitive person… Like my characters XD)

      Thank you so much for reading, Maruska!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Obsession is a nice word for it, that’s for sure. I just thought he would be more aware of other people feelings once he’s older.

        And you’re very welcome 🙂 I think you should be happy your writing can trigger so much emotion in people. That’s not a reason to be sad

        Liked by 1 person

        • CitizenErased14 says:

          Well, I think the being aware of others’ feelings thing is part of why Stefan tends to keep most of his anger and negativity bottled up inside. He knows he hurts people when he lashes out, but he also has a hard time controlling it. I can’t help but feel for him (as I do all my characters, even Amelie! Hahaha)

          Liked by 1 person

  14. *ties shoelaces* I’m coming to smack some sense into you…you don’t NEED a Vater to be whole, DUMBASS! YOU JUST NEED PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU ALL AROUND YOU AND YOU NEED TO BE SUPPORTIVE. YOU HAVE THAT, BUT YOU AREN’T THAT.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Oh Stefan, at least you’re figuring out why you’re angry instead of just having undirected rage – that’s a start.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. theceltygirly says:

    😦 This is sad. Everyone has a desire to know about their parents, even if it isn’t necessarily good for them. They rarely get what they were hoping for, and like these are just sims, but the stories are drawn from reality so it just gets me thinking and hurts my heart.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Yeah, Stefan really just wants to know who he comes from. I guess we can’t fault him for that! This was a really hard time for him 😦 (btw, I don’t mean this with any sarcasm haha I’m seriously glad you’re so far behind because reading your comments helps me re-live these past moments from so long ago!)

      Like

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