Jeez, I hope this coffee kicks in soon. I’m just so tired.
Probably because I’ve been up since the freaking crack of dawn.
And, well, I guess I am most mornings. But today was different. Our whole family usually likes to sleep in on Sundays… Even me.
But this morning, I just knew I had to get out of the house. Clear my head, you know? I’ve always loved going for walks, ever since I was a kid. And I knew that after what happened last night, I could definitely use some fresh air.
So as soon as I was dressed, I grabbed my journal, left a quick note in the kitchen so Mama wouldn’t freak, and headed out the door.
I didn’t really have anywhere particular in mind… I had too many thoughts jumbling around in my head to think straight anyway. So I just kinda started walking, I guess.
I ended up down by the park where Tobi and I always used to play when we were kids. And to be honest, it just made me start thinking about how much things have changed since we were little.
And how much more they’re about to…
Anyway, I didn’t make it very far before I ran into a familiar face – Katrina.
She’s in my science class at school… We’ve known each other for a really long time – her grandma Eva is one of my vovó’s best friends. And the way she was looking at me… Well, I think I’ve known for a while that she likes me. And I guess she’s kinda cute when she smiles, but… I dunno. I’ve always been kinda picky about girls, I guess… Not that I’ve had that many to choose from anyway.
But when she asked me if I wanted to go to the movies with her tonight, I figured why the Hell not? It’d be nice to get out of the house, and take my mind off of all the crap going on… Including Elena. (God, I can’t believe I’m still thinking about that bitch).
It was kinda fun talking to her, I guess. But it wasn’t until she was walking away that it hit me just how sad our conversation made me. But not for her or for me… For Tobi and Colette.
We complained about that stupid test we took in class last week (WAY too easy… but I didn’t tell Katrina that). We gossiped about a few of our classmates. We made plans to hang out together. It was so… normal, you know?
But things will never be normal for my Bruder ever again. Not anymore. Bottles, diapers, a screaming baby… That’s gonna be his new normal.
God Tobi, how did you fuck up so bad? I hope it was worth it.
Anyway, a few minutes after Katrina left, I was hanging out on one of the benches when I saw this woman walking by with her husband or boyfriend or something… and she looked about ready to pop. Great. As if I needed yet another reminder of just how screwed up everything is right now.
It made me feel almost sick to my stomach to see her – that will be Colette in a few months…
And Mama too.
Ugh. I can’t stop thinking about what I said to her last night. Me and my big mouth.
I still can’t believe this is really happening. It’s like my worst nightmare from back when I was a kid is finally coming true. I used to be TERRIFED about Mama and Jonas having a baby – replacing me and Tobi with a nice, normal family… One with a Mutter and a Vater…
The moment she told me about the baby, something in me just… snapped, I guess. It was like I was 10 years old again. And my worst fears were finally coming true.
But I know it’s not Mama’s fault. It’s not even Jonas’ either, really. I mean, who wouldn’t want a normal family? Who wouldn’t want to have a kid with the person they’re married to? I just wish it didn’t hurt so damn much to see it happen.
And it kinda makes me wonder what Tobi will do, y’know? I mean, will he and Colette tie the knot one day? I sure hope so. That’s what a family’s supposed to be, isn’t it? Happy. Normal. Whole.
And, y’know, I think that’s my problem.
My whole life, for as long as I can remember, I’ve always been so unhappy. Not like some kind of depressed loser who mopes around all the time. Just… angry, I guess. At Mama, Tobi, Jonas…
And Hell, now I’m even mad at those babies too.
And I think… Maybe I finally get why.
They all have it. They ALL have what I don’t.
And you know what? I’ll admit it – I’m jealous.
I mean, look at Mama. She’s got grandpa and vovó. And now she has Jonas… and the baby.
And then there’s Tobi. He’s got Mama, of course. And Jonas — he’s always been so damn eager to call him his Papa. And now he’s got Colette… and soon enough, he’ll have a baby too.
See? They all have it.
Mutter, Vater, Kinder.
Happy. Normal. Whole.
Then there’s me. I’ve got Tobi. I’ve got Mama. And… that’s it.
Mutter. Kinder. But no Vater.
Kind of happy. Far from normal. And definitely not whole…
Seeing the rest of them so happy, seeing them have the type of family I’ve always dreamed of… It just… it just really gets to me, y’know? Because I want it. I want it more than anything.
I want to be happy. I want to stop being so mad all the time. Hell, I even want to get along with Jonas.
But I know I can’t.
Not until my family’s whole too. And I know it won’t be until I find him.
My Papa. My Vater.
I just wish I knew where to look.