6.23: Crush

Okay, I’ve been using almost all of my free time lately to work on writing stories instead of writing in here… But I figured it was about time to get some of my thoughts down about everything that’s been going on lately (Don’t worry! It’s good!)

I just checked — the last time I wrote anything in here was after my second tutoring session with Erik. I remember still not being 100% sold on the whole tutoring thing at that point, but I was pretty optimistic. I mean, things seemed to be going pretty well so far, all things considered. But I wasn’t sure how it would all turn out.

Well now, about a month later, I can safely say that everybody was right — Tutoring actually ended up being really, really good for me. Way better than I even could have imagined!

Obviously one of the biggest things is my math grade. It’s been going up little by little, and my parents are basically going insane about it. Every day they’re practically sobbing and telling me how proud they are and all that crap. (Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little about the sobbing… But they’re still being so over-the-top about it!).

I guess they’re just really happy though. And I hate admitting it, but as annoying as it is, it is kinda nice to see them so excited. It’s better than them always bugging me about getting my grades up, at least. Guess it’s nice seeing them happy for once, instead of disappointed.

Oma’s been really proud too, of course. She keeps telling me how happy she is for me, she’s just a little less annoying about it than my parents, I guess.

She and Tante Clara had a kinda weird talk with me last week though (well, it was mostly Tante Clara, really). Now that was a little annoying.

It was after one of my tutoring sessions with Erik. They sat me down and starting talking all about dealing with older guys and not letting them ‘take advantage of me’ or ‘pressure me’ to do anything I don’t want to.

It was… well, pretty damn uncomfortable.

First off, I don’t get it. I know Mark was way older than Oma. And Onkel Florian was older than Tante Clara too. And obviously both of them were great guys. They wouldn’t have stayed together so long if they weren’t! But Tante Clara was really serious about this ‘older guy’ thing. Maybe more serious than I’ve ever seen her. It was so bizarre.

And secondly, they’re reading way too much into things. Erik and I are just friends!

But when I tried explaining that to them, they just kinda smiled each other… Like they knew something I don’t. It’s the same way they smile at each other when I talk about Rylie or Devin sometimes. And I still don’t get it. It’s really, really weird.

And speaking of Rylie and Devin… they’re being  ridiculous about this too. Well, probably Rylie more than Devin, actually. He’s been pretty quiet about it. And I mean, he’s normally quieter than Rylie anyway. But like, quieter than usual. He doesn’t really say much whenever Erik comes up.

But it’s a totally different story with Rylie. I swear, it feels like she teases me every day about my ‘crush’ on Erik. And when I try to tell her we’re just friends, she totally ignores me, just like Oma and Tante Clara.

“Denial,” she keeps calling it. It’s so frustrating!

As if she’s some kind of relationship expert or something! Yeah, right. She always calls relationships a “waste of time” anyway. (Not that that’s stopped her from messing around with a couple guys from school… But it never actually goes anywhere).

Anyway, she’s totally wrong. It’s NOT a crush.

I mean… Yeah, Erik’s hot as hell. But so is Devin. And Rylie. Just because you think someone’s hot doesn’t mean you have a crush on them, does it?

And the way I feel when I’m with Erik — The nerves. The butterflies…

Well, you can probably guess who else makes me feel the same way.

I know, I know. It totally sounds like a crush. Or crushes, maybe. I know it does. And sometimes it feels that way too. Especially when I’m alone at night and my mind starts wandering and…

Anyway, it’s not a crush. On any of them. It’s hard to explain. It’s weird. It’s… confusing.

Like, if you asked me back before I met Rylie and Devin, I’d probably say I have a crush on Erik, I guess. It’d probably be a no-brainer. But things are so different now. Like, I don’t really know if that’s what all those feelings mean anymore.

Back when I first started hanging out with Rylie and Devin, I used to think I had a crush on Devin too.

He made me nervous. I thought about him all the time. He was so damn good looking and nice and funny and talented. And I love watching his hands while he works. And thinking about what it might feel like if those hands touched me...

But then I realized that the way I felt about him was almost the exact same way I felt about Rylie.

I used to spend a lot of time thinking about her too. She’s so beautiful and fun and amazing. Her voice is like an angel. And when she laughs, it still gives me butterflies sometimes…

But she’s a girl.

I’d never like, judge anybody because of who they love or who they’re attracted to. My Papa’s Onkel Auggy is gay, and he’s awesome. So is his husband.

But this is about me. And I know I’m not gay.

I mean, I like guys. I’ve never liked girls. Not like that. And if all these feelings mean I have a crush on Devin and Erik, that would mean I have a crush on Rylie too. But I don’t like girls!

So that’s how I know it can’t be a crush… Can it?

Ugh! It’s so confusing! I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about this stupid crush thing and trying to figure out what it all means. I mean, if I don’t have a crush on any of them… Then what the hell is this?

Today, I think I might have found an answer.

‘Idolize’ is such a strong word, but… Maybe it fits here. I love everything about them. And part of me really wants to be just like them too. All three of them. They’re the most amazing people I’ve ever met in my life.

So yeah… If it’s not a crush on Erik, maybe it’s still something just as special?

That’s the other way tutoring has been so good for me. Yeah, my grades are definitely making my parents happy. But for me, getting to know Erik has really been what makes it all worth it.

I mean, I never thought someone like him would ever wanna be friends with someone like me. And at first, I wasn’t even sure if he did. I figured he was just being nice since he was tutoring me. But it’s really starting to feel like it’s more than that.

Probably too soon to get my hopes up too much though. It’s just been little stuff so far — emailing and texting each other about stuff besides math. Adding each other as friends on Facebook.

And yesterday, we finished getting caught up on my homework early, so he took me across the street to get some ice cream while we waited for Papa to show up. I never thought anyone else but me would wanna sit outside eating ice cream in the middle of November… But it was his idea, believe it or not!

It just really feels like he gets me. He doesn’t put these ridiculous expectations on me like my parents do. But he doesn’t think I’m weak or dumb either (no matter how much I suck at math). He just sees me for me. He treats me like a normal person, just like Rylie and Devin do.

I dunno. Maybe I’m making too big of a deal out of this. I don’t wanna get my hopes up.

Maybe it really IS just about the money for him. Maybe we’ll never talk to each other again once this whole tutoring thing is over with.

But I really, really hope not.