6.4: Everything

Warning: This chapter mentions the heavy topic of miscarriage/pregnancy loss. If those are sensitive subjects for you, please proceed with caution.

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I still can’t believe how the time has flown… It’s kind of funny how quickly all these anniversaries can creep up on you. Every year, it feels like they come faster and faster. Kinda piling up out of nowhere.

There are lots of good ones, of course. Like birthdays (We just had Harper and Tante Joce’s a few weeks ago, and my 41st is in just a couple months… yikes!) or wedding anniversaries (it’ll be eight years for me and Hope in August!).

But there are some not-so-great ones too. And they’re just as important as the good ones, aren’t they?

Like yesterday.

It’s been five years since we had to say hello and goodbye to our little boy in the very same breath. It’s always such a difficult day for me and Hope… But we don’t really like talking about it. To anyone, really. They just don’t understand.

Even after all this time, it still hurts. And it’s still so damn frustrating when people don’t get it, y’know? I mean, we never even told anyone outside our families about the first baby we lost, since it was so early on. And sometimes I kind of wish we did. Why should we have to keep it some big secret from everyone?

The second time was so different though. We couldn’t keep it a secret, even if we wanted to. And I don’t think anyone really knew how to react. They still don’t. And that’s why we barely talk about it.

One of the most frustrating things is when they assume that just because we have Harper now, it somehow erases all the pain we felt about losing Levi. Or that losing him at nineteen weeks somehow changes things. He was technically a miscarriage, sure. But this was so much different than our first one. We knew he was a little boy. We picked out a name for him. We started buying baby clothes. We could feel him kicking and moving. He was already a part of our family.

I think the worst part was that even after we knew he was gone, Hope still had to deliver him. That was the most horrific day of our entire lives. But at least we got to hold him in our arms and say our goodbyes before they took him away.

We ended up spreading his ashes out at the Bluffs so he could be with Mama and Papa. That little heart in our bedroom is all we have left of him.

Harper’s too young to understand any of this, of course. But I hope someday we can explain to her just what a miracle she truly is. And everything we had to go through to get where we are today.

The pain and guilt of learning we couldn’t have a baby without help. The years of drugs and fertility treatments. The pain of losing our son before he even had a chance to be born. The heartache and struggling we had to endure just to get pregnant again. The fear and uncertainty waiting to reach that nineteen-week mark. The pain of losing grandpa before he had a chance to meet our little girl. And the terror and dread we felt that night Hope went into labor, barely twenty-seven weeks into her pregnancy…

Our little girl is everything to us. Everything. The most precious thing in our lives. I know every parent feels that way about their kid, but after everything Hope and I went through to have her… It just feels different, I guess. And someday, we’ll help her understand that.

But not yet. She’s still way too young. So last night, when Hope told me Harper had been asking questions, I was relieved to hear that she didn’t tell her anything.

But our curious little girl can’t be stopped that easily, I guess. Today we’ve had to deal with a whole new line of questioning from Harper… About Oma.

Yesterday was painful enough already, but getting that call from Tante Joce made it even worse. She told me Oma fell yesterday morning. I guess she got kind of confused and went outside. She tripped down the back steps. Thank God Opa found her so quickly.

We went and visited today. She was really tired, but she still managed to talk to us. And she seemed in pretty good spirits, all things considered. The doctors say she can probably go home in a couple days.

And we’re all so relieved she’s okay, but this whole thing just makes me so damn worried. She was lucky not to have any lasting physical effects from her stroke last year… But her mind is a different story.

I can see the toll this is already starting to take on Opa. I swear to God he’s aged about a decade in the last year alone. And poor Tante Joce has to stand by and watch her parents go through all this. It’s a nightmare. And what will happen when they’re gone?

I hate thinking about it, I really do. But it’s a fact we’ll have to face eventually. And I feel so sick imagining Tante Joce all alone in that house once Oma and Opa pass away. It’s bad enough already with just the three of them there. I can’t even imagine how terrible it will be for Tante Joce when she’s all alone.

Hope and I know all too well how painful it is to be alone in an empty house after you’ve suffered a loss. You’re surrounded by painful memories everywhere you look.

But at least we had each other. She’ll have no one. And I just wish there was something we could do to help…

But y’know, now that I think of it… Maybe there is.

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57 Responses to 6.4: Everything

  1. skcaga6 says:

    You did a wonderful job writing this. The pain they feel rings true. August 17 is the birthday (and angel day) for my boys. They were still born at 25 weeks. Two days earlier we had heard their heartbeats. They would be 17 in a few weeks. Not a day goes by that I do not think of them. Four other miscarriages after the boys. Five years of fertility meds, daily temperature checks, monthly heartbreak. It is rough. You wrote it accurately and beautifully.

    Liked by 7 people

  2. witchazard says:

    Nooboos WitcHazard: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭A moment of silence for my precious fallen nooboos!

    Anti Shipper: 😔

    Dark WitcHazard: Anti you okay?

    Anti Shipper: I’m better than someone else we know!(glances over at Shipper and Lover WitcHazard pouring eachother another drink)

    Emotional WitcHazard: 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 was this the only way Harper could be heir the pain it hurts so bad make it stop Mama make it stop!

    Mama WitcHazard: Now now E it’s going to be fine! Sometimes life doesn’t always agree with you so you have roll with what happens you may not like it and you may never forget but it’s okay! No one has to understand you cause they’ll ever know the true extent of your pain. It’s okay to look back at the past every now and then but if you do it all the time you’ll never see the future is so much brighter!

    Dark WitcHazard: a

    Liked by 2 people

  3. crstasse says:

    Wow, this chapter brought tears to my eyes!! So sad, but so beautifully written!!! I think Hope and Zayne are by far my most favorite couple now!!! They are so supportive of each other!! I just love them together so much!!! You have written this relationship explicitly well. The best so far! It’s just heart breaking to lose a baby, which is why they appreciate Harper so much more and also worry about her a lot more too. It makes sense. And the plaque with Levi’s foot print and hand print is a really important thing to keep. I had a best friend who lost a baby at full term, and these people just really need to deal with their grief anyway then can. It makes me appreciate so much more that I could have three healthy children of my own. I count my blessings. As for my friend, she took photos of her baby girl and kept them, put them in frames and still feels the loss to this day. Grief/loss it stays with you, but it’s not necessarily a bad thing,but it sure does makes you value a whole lot more on what you have. And Hope/Zayne really see this. Bravo!!! An excellent chapter!!! Love it!!!!!

    Liked by 3 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Thank you so much crstasse! I’m glad you enjoyed this one (even though it was painful 😦 ) They really are a lovely couple. They had their ups and downs when they were younger (some big “downs”, as we know lol) but they’ve always been so loving and supportive of each other, and that has definitely applied during their marriage and all these struggles as well)

      So sorry for your friend 😦 Thank you for reading ❤️

      Like

  4. sonniejj says:

    Yes, you can do something Zayne, move back to the lovely Rosebrook mansion, please!! 😀

    On a less happy note, though, this is a heart breaking chapter. I admire Zayne and Hope that they were able to stay together and keep their love alive during such difficult times. I can’t even imagine the pain they go through (thankfully), and I guess it’s one of those things where you never really know how hard it is unless it’s happened to you.

    The situation with Colette is also so hard. It’s so difficult to come to grips with the fact that people who were once lively, happy people are now getting old and sick… Sad times 😦 Luckily we have Harper to put a smile on everybody’s face!

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Yeah this was such a tough one all around 😦 I really feel for Zayne and Hope. They’ve been through Hell. And now Tobi and Joce have to go through so much with Colette too 😦

      Like you said, at least there is Harper 🙂 A little ray of sunshine in everyone’s lives ❤

      Like

  5. OnyxRaven says:

    You did an incredible job writing this, Citizen! I can feel the all that pain and sadness. Poor Hozay. Harper really is a “meercle”. 😄
    Now here is a question… Is Joce going to move in with Hozay+Harper or is Hozay+Harper going to move in with Joce? I’m guessing the latter one, but I guess we will probably see on Wednesday.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Creshone says:

    I don’t think you could have written this chapter any better than what you did. My baby would have been 2 this year. I didn’t even make it to the first prenatal check up before I lost it. It was so painful because I was just so excited and so filled with love for someone who wasn’t even fully created yet. Unlike Hope and Zayne me and my husband told people and it was so hard after the loss when everyone except my sister just brushed it off like nothing happened. I couldn’t even look at my nephew who was 1 at the time without being sad and jealous. They never talk about it and now that we’re married his mom keeps talking about grandkids.

    HoZay was already my favorite couple and now I feel like they are the best couple of the series. They have went through so much and they always manage to tough it out together.

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I am so sorry for what you and your husband went through 😦 I think it’s a real shame that there’s such a stigma around talking about miscarriage in our society, and such a lack of understanding from others. 😦 huge hugs to you ❤️

      I’m glad you are such a fan of Hope and Zayne 🙂 They have really helped each other through so much together, even during the time they were broken up when they were younger. They love and support each other so much 🙂

      Like

  7. audreyfld says:

    So sweet and it does ring true. Only those that have experienced the loss of a child can ever understand the heartbreak. Great job.

    I only hope that the expectations for Harper aren’t too high. She may grow up feeling similarly to how Zayne did when grew up. He kept thinking about his parents. She may think she is competing with a brother that can never do wrong and she won’t be able to live up to that memory sort of how Jocelyn and Mark couldn’t live up to Lucas and Hazel.

    They are already calling her a miracle. That may eventually put a lot of pressure on her. I can’t wait to see how she turns out. Hopefully she won’t lose her hearing. Regardless, she may feel like a disappointment to her parents although we all know they love her dearly, but they may wind up being just a bit too overprotective. But then, maybe she will go on to do great things and I’m totally wrong! Either way, I can’t wait for her generation to unfold!

    Liked by 3 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I really like these thoughts and predictions you have about what could be ahead for Harper! And they are all quite possible.

      The one hint/clue/whatever you wanna call it (lol!) I will confirm is that Harper’s future WILL be affected in some way by this situation (being the miracle baby). Whether it’s in the ways you’ve predicted or something different we will see 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  8. Jes2G says:

    There sure is. Do it…quickly.

    Quick question for clarity…did they lose one baby or two? I confused at the mention of “the second time.” If two babies, the second one is Levi?

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Yes, they lost two babies. It’s a quick reference, but Zayne does mention in this chapter that Hope had a miscarriage that was much earlier in the pregnancy (the one he says they didn’t tell anyone about). Levi was the second, and hurt even worse than the first one 😦

      Hopefully Zayne will do something quickly! I think he knows what’s right. Now he just has to do it haha

      Liked by 1 person

      • for some reason I think the first preancy might have been a girl like the 3rd one was. Since why else would Harper sometimes be called Joyce?

        Like

        • CitizenErased14 says:

          Colette sometimes calls Harper Jocelyne because she has dementia and gets confused 😦 The first pregnancy was lost so early that they didn’t know the gender of the baby

          Like

  9. Brass Buckles says:

    From an emotional standpoint… wow. That was rough. Not just the miscarriage, but the dementia story too. Seems the Rosebrooks are in a sad place right now. Hopefully life gets better.

    From a clinical standpoint, it actually is pretty accurate that at least one of the miscarriages was confirmed to be a boy. There is a genetic/medical condition where certain women are unable to bring boys to term, but they can have girls. And I think because of that condition, male stillbirths are actually statistically more likely than female. I might be wrong. There may be something similar that works the reverse of that; I don’t know. I can see that’s probably not what you were going for, but if it were, Harper’s a bit less of a miracle baby and more fortunate to be female. Unless of course Zayne is carrying around mostly Y chromosomes… which is also possible. But there are also couples who are not genetically compatible, and can’t have anything but stillbirths. Or sometimes it is a woman’s body that can’t handle carrying a fetus to term regardless of gender.

    Whatever the specific case is, it’s sad when a couple really want kids and, for whatever reason, can’t have them or loses the kids they have. Sometimes a baby makes it to term and born stillborn. Sometimes a baby or child will die shortly after its birth. And you know that whatever the case, if they wanted a child, the parents end up struggling with questions about what they did wrong, and whether things might have been different.

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Yeah, this is most definitely not an easy time for the poor Rosebrooks right now 😦 I wasn’t aware about that unique medical condition. Interesting! I chose to never reveal the exact reason for their issues, so we’ll never really know what the root cause. But either way, Harper will always be a miracle baby in her parents’ eyes 🙂 You’re right that it’s so tragic when couples go through this… and so many do! This one was tough to write.

      Like

    • skcaga6 says:

      If a woman has PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) the chances of conceiving are only about 25% and then the chances of carrying full term is also only 25%. There are many other health issues that come with PCOS as well (diabetes, difficulty losing and maintaining weight, higher risk of cervical and ovarian cancer, and many other issues). Because Harper was born so early, this was the first thing that popped into my mind.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. julyvee94 says:

    What a tough thing to write and read 😮 but I think you brought it across really well (although I have no experience with these things). Pretty emotional 😦 poor zayne and hope

    Liked by 1 person

  11. sourocha1 says:

    That was..realistic, really…I hadn’t had the problems myself, but my parents did struggled to have me…The sad things is that this things do happen much times in real life…One question, that may sound cold, given the situation…But, did the ages they decided to have a baby influence all this?

    Like

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I think their ages might have had some bit of influence. Hope was 32 when they first started trying to have children, and once a woman passes 30, every year after she is less fertile and also has a higher rate of miscarriage. Still though, their situation is a bit less common. Their difficulties conceiving were bad enough that they needed fertility drugs and stuff to help.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. iveretree says:

    This was so sad! Everything about it, except Harper – but you can really feel how scared they would have been when she was born prematurely. The whole thing with Colette and Tobi getting older too! I’m studying medicine, and we’re doing a module on loss where we’re going to visit the hospice and hear from patients who have experienced things like miscarriages or the death of a loved one, so even though I haven’t been in these situations myself, it feels really close for me.
    I’m enjoying the beginning of Harper’s arc so far 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I’m glad you’re enjoying the start to her arc 🙂 But I’m also sorry for the sadness of this chapter! 😦 Thank you so much for reading!

      Like

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Oh, and I forgot to also thank you for sharing your personal connection with some of these topics. Though what a sad thing to have to do. Visiting a hospice can’t be pleasant… 😦

      Like

  13. nichole1011 says:

    My sister went through this. This was well written and amazing. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  14. The heir is moving home!

    Trying to focus on the one happy thing in this chapter. Poor Zayne and Hope. They’ve been through so much. Harper really is a miracle.

    I get so sad to think of Colette and Tobi growing old and leaving their family…

    It’s gonna be a rough few chapters ahead as the family shifts again.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. gummybear0724 says:

    How sad. So little Harper does have a sibling. Two actually. Both have already gained their wings. So so sad. My heart breaks hearing about losses like that. I couldn’t imagine and I wish that this never happened to anyone. So sad but such a lovely story.

    Like

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Yes, it’s so sad 😦 I really feel for this little family. It was such a tough chapter to write!

      thank you so much for reading ❤️

      Like

  16. raerei says:

    Hugs for all in story and out. I cannot really add any meaningful comments. The chapter was written quite well. But gosh seeing Colette on the patio like that….

    Like

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Yeah that part with Colette was really hard too 😦 This whole chapter was definitely not an easy one to write

      Like

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  18. kaffepigen says:

    Will we hear more about this “move” in wednesday’s chapter? It can’t be anything else than them moving in with Jocelyne. She needs their support and to feel their love each day, even if her parents haven’t died yet. This is a difficult time for all of them, especially Tobi and jocelyne.

    I miss Tobi and Stefan’s child/teen years. Btw where is Stefan? Has he died yet? It’s been a long time since we’ve heard from him last.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Your questions about both the potential move and Stefan will be answered on Wednesday 🙂 I totally agree that Joce needs that closeness and love from her family right now ❤️ Poor thing 😦

      Like

  19. lisabeesims says:

    BEAUTIFULLY done .. ❤ I have walked thru 2 miscarriages with 2 of my daughters. It a deeply personal pain that not many understand unless they have walked there ❤

    Like

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Thank you, Lisa. Though I am so sorry that your family had to go through that pain 😦 I have family members who have been there and I have seen how devastating it really is.

      Liked by 1 person

      • lisabeesims says:

        Thank you … so sorry for your fam members too. every so often one will say oh he would be 6 months now or it was a year ago … or other small references … it really never leaves you.

        Like

  20. Lee says:

    You wrote this beautifully. I can see how the topic would be upsetting. My mother had gone through 2 miscarriages and 2 abortions my father forced her to have. She says that although it had saddened her, she still has 2 children she loves very much and made the pain and heartbreak worth it in the end. Although I’d say everyone works through it differently, it’s incredibly shitty for those that don’t have that chance of happiness in the end. On another note, NOT GONNA LIE, Hope always looked like a muppet to me with her beady eyes and resting bitch face. SO HOPEULLY (ha HOPEfully) Harper is as beautiful as she can be. Like Zayne’s preciousness.

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Oh my GOD HAHAHAHA This was such a touching comment and then I get to the end and I literally CHOKED. (In a good way. I can’t stop laughing) A muppet? Poor Hope! LMAO I always thought she was really beautiful, but I can understand not seeing it haha

      I will warn you now that I’ve peeked in CAS and Harper resembles Hope a lot more than Zayne… But hopefully you will still approve of her haha we’ll see when she gets older!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Lee says:

        OH! Don’t get me wrong, I loved the muppets as a kid and Hope is a wonderfully written character. She’s really fleshed out and I love that I can both find her annoying and cute at the same time. PHYSICALLY she’s cute in a ironic sort of way to me. Like, her smile makes her face look a WHOLE LOT better, just her resting bitch face doesn’t give her any justice. She’s stunning otherwise. You’ve done a really great job so far on this legacy and I honestly can’t do what you do. I’d drive myself insane sticking to one core concept of a storyline (my indecisiveness makes me want to cry). However, kudos to you and I look forward to see how gen 6 pans out!

        Liked by 2 people

        • CitizenErased14 says:

          You are very kind haha thank you! And there was no need to apologize or explain yourself, I genuinely loved that Muppet comment. It was gold 😂

          Like

  21. kaycee39 says:

    This was such a delicate subject and you handled it beautifully and honestly. I suffered a miscarriage my first pregnancy and even though it was very early on it still hurts to think of the life that could have been here and how different our home would have been. But we were blessed with two more healthy children and I am so thankful for them. My brother-in-law and sister-in-law both went through scenarios like this one (naming, giving birth) and its something we rarely discuss. too painful. again they were blessed to finally have healthy children but it took a lot of medical intervention and supervision for it to happen.
    And now Lettie is starting to really decline. I think they need to move to the family home or mansion to help support them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      (I am “liking” this to show support… I do not “like” the tragedies you and your family members faced!!)

      I’m so sorry for your loss 😦 (but so thrilled you were blessed with two healthy children!) And I am glad you thought I handled this subject well. My sister in law suffered a miscarriage and she never really talked about it much. And I have a coworker who lost her baby in childbirth and she often expresses that she WANTS to talk about the child she lost, but it’s so hard to find people who are willing to listen and stuff.

      I really wanted to touch upon this topic because it’s something that so many couples go through every single day, as you know 😦 Thank you for sharing your personal experience ❤️

      As for them moving back to the mansion… read on 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • kaycee39 says:

        thank you for the show of support 🙂 Yes everyone handles grief and tragedy differently so it can be hard. I’m also sorry to hear about your sister-in-law and co-worker but it is something that happens to so many women/couples daily. Very sad.

        Liked by 1 person

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