9.40: Nostalgia

Wooh, on-time this week (though it’s a short one)! Sorry for being a day late with last week’s chapter. I’ll do my best to not have that happen again, but if you ever check on a Wednesday and find me chapter-less, check back in a day or two and it should be there! I’ll try not to be any more delayed than that, if I can. Thanks, all! 🙂

————————————————————–

Alright, I’ve already deleted what I’ve written twice now, so this time, I’m just gonna keep going, no matter how stupid this ends up sounding (and, to no one’s surprise, we’re one sentence in and it already sounds pretty fucking dumb).

In my defense, I’m majorly out of practice over here. It’s been over a decade since the last time I tried this journaling thing. I was never like my mom — she’s kept a journal for literally as long as I can remember. Always told me it was some sort of ‘Rosebrook tradition’, but I was never really into it. I never really saw the point of it.

Not til my junior year of high school, anyway. It kinda started by accident, if I’m remembering it correctly. Just random rambling in a notebook at first, until I was full-on spilling my soul to my computer a few times a week.

I think it was just that there was so much going on and I was trying to figure so much out that I almost had to write it down. I was gonna go crazy if I didn’t get it out somehow.

And I guess I’m kinda feeling like that all over again.

I found out last night (or really early this morning, if you wanna get technical) that Ollie’s coming back to LA. Just for a few days, but still. This is… not something I ever dreamed would happen in a million years, honestly. 

It’s hard to break down exactly what I’m feeling right now. It’s a lot.

Ollie moved to New York almost thirteen years ago and I think I’ve seen him in person… maybe five times since then? Six? The last time was about three years ago, at Lily and Reece’s wedding. And before that, it was five years ago at his.

And let me tell you, both times were just… weird. Weddings aren’t exactly the best time to socialize. Especially when the person you wanna socialize with is the one getting married. I know it was a long time ago, but I can still remember how much Ollie’s wedding sucked. For me, anyway.

Lily and I flew all the way out to New York for it, and thank God we went together. We didn’t know anybody else there, except Callie. She remembered both of us and gave us these big teary hugs when she saw us… It was kinda nice, I guess. Probably the only nice part of the whole day.

We got stuck at a table with some of Ollie’s friends from law school who basically ignored us the entire time. It was so fucking awkward. Good thing they had an open bar, at least. Because, well, I really needed as many drinks as I could handle.

I never thought it would affect me so much to see Ollie marrying somebody else. It had been like eight years since we… whatever you wanna call it. And it honest-to-God never even bothered me until I was there watching it happen. It hit a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would.

So yeah… not exactly a great time.

Lily’s wedding was a lot better, in pretty much every way. It was fun and relaxed, I knew everybody there, I was in the wedding party (so I actually got to spend time with Lil), and I got to sit with Ollie at the reception. We got to catch up a little bit, but it was still really weird.

Natalie was there too, of course, and I’m pretty sure that’s part of what made it so awkward. I was this weird third wheel who barely even knew her, and she was all tired and grumpy from being pregnant… so we didn’t exactly hit it off as well as I would’ve liked. She was polite and stuff, but really distant. And she spent half the night complaining to Ollie about how tired and hot she was. They didn’t even stay the whole time.

I remember he kept asking her to go dance with him, but she didn’t want to. And all I could think of was how I’d dance with him in a heartbeat. I didn’t, for obvious reasons. But the thought was there, right up until he said goodbye and headed back to the hotel.

Sorry for the novel-length tangent. I’ve never really talked to anybody before about seeing Ollie at those weddings. Guess I’ve been holding on to some shit. It feels kinda good getting it out there.

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that the last two times I saw Ollie were A, super awkward, and B, at these big social events where there were tons of other people around. I can’t even remember the last time it’s been just him and me.

So I’m excited to finally have that chance, obviously. But nervous too. And… It’s hard to explain the weird nostalgia that’s hitting me right now. The only other person I’ve ever felt it with is Landon. I don’t feel it all the time, and not even every time I talk to Ollie or hear Landon’s name on TV… But sometimes it sneaks up on me.

I’m sure this all sounds like I’m some pathetic loser who’s still in love with his old flames from high school. But I’m not. It’s more complicated than that.

I don’t love either of them anymore. How can I love someone I don’t even know?

Two-time Super Bowl champion Landon Littlehale? Who the hell is that? And Oliver Rucker, hot-shot city lawyer with a wife and daughter? Never heard of him. 

I’m sure they’d both feel the same way about Dr. Asher Rosebrook. 

Thing is, even though I don’t love them, I remember what it felt like to love them. And it’s a nice memory. One that lingers in the back of my mind from time to time. It’s nostalgic and warm and a bunch of other cheesy-as-hell things I’m too lazy to list here.

But it’s just that — a memory. It’s not even a real feeling anymore.

So I guess what this all boils down to is I’m hoping I can feel something again when I see Ollie on Monday. 

Now, I’m nothing if not a realist… maybe even a pessimist, depending on who you ask. I know Ollie’s married now. I know he’s not the same Ollie I was in love with way back then. I’m not expecting to go all goo-goo eyed at the sight of him and get myself wrapped up in some godawful rom-com plot to steal him from his wife or something. I’m not delusional. 

Ollie’s not even my best friend anymore, let alone anything more than that. Lily stole that crown from him a long time ago. And to be honest, he’s barely even a regular friend at this point, much as I like to call him that.

But I’m hoping this is a chance to get back at least a little bit of what we’ve lost. I’m never gonna get my old best friend back, because that Ollie I used to know has been gone for a long time. But maybe this new Ollie’s worth getting to know better. Maybe we can try and be friends again — actual friends, not two near-strangers who just text each other ‘Happy Birthday’ once a year. Maybe New Asher and New Ollie can hit it off just as well as the old ones did. 

Plus, well, I know what I said before, about being “Dr. Rosebrook” now. I’ve changed a lot… But maybe not completely. That awkward teenager isn’t me anymore, but he’s always gonna be part of me. He’s still in there somewhere, deep down (maybe not as deep as I’d always like him to be, sometimes). And there’s a selfish part of me hoping the old Ollie is still somewhere in there too.

Of course, if life’s taught me one thing, it’s that you should never get your hopes up. 

But maybe it wouldn’t hurt to let myself hope a little bit… Just this once.