9.40: Nostalgia

Wooh, on-time this week (though it’s a short one)! Sorry for being a day late with last week’s chapter. I’ll do my best to not have that happen again, but if you ever check on a Wednesday and find me chapter-less, check back in a day or two and it should be there! I’ll try not to be any more delayed than that, if I can. Thanks, all! 🙂

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Alright, I’ve already deleted what I’ve written twice now, so this time, I’m just gonna keep going, no matter how stupid this ends up sounding (and, to no one’s surprise, we’re one sentence in and it already sounds pretty fucking dumb).

In my defense, I’m majorly out of practice over here. It’s been over a decade since the last time I tried this journaling thing. I was never like my mom — she’s kept a journal for literally as long as I can remember. Always told me it was some sort of ‘Rosebrook tradition’, but I was never really into it. I never really saw the point of it.

Not til my junior year of high school, anyway. It kinda started by accident, if I’m remembering it correctly. Just random rambling in a notebook at first, until I was full-on spilling my soul to my computer a few times a week.

I think it was just that there was so much going on and I was trying to figure so much out that I almost had to write it down. I was gonna go crazy if I didn’t get it out somehow.

And I guess I’m kinda feeling like that all over again.

I found out last night (or really early this morning, if you wanna get technical) that Ollie’s coming back to LA. Just for a few days, but still. This is… not something I ever dreamed would happen in a million years, honestly. 

It’s hard to break down exactly what I’m feeling right now. It’s a lot.

Ollie moved to New York almost thirteen years ago and I think I’ve seen him in person… maybe five times since then? Six? The last time was about three years ago, at Lily and Reece’s wedding. And before that, it was five years ago at his.

And let me tell you, both times were just… weird. Weddings aren’t exactly the best time to socialize. Especially when the person you wanna socialize with is the one getting married. I know it was a long time ago, but I can still remember how much Ollie’s wedding sucked. For me, anyway.

Lily and I flew all the way out to New York for it, and thank God we went together. We didn’t know anybody else there, except Callie. She remembered both of us and gave us these big teary hugs when she saw us… It was kinda nice, I guess. Probably the only nice part of the whole day.

We got stuck at a table with some of Ollie’s friends from law school who basically ignored us the entire time. It was so fucking awkward. Good thing they had an open bar, at least. Because, well, I really needed as many drinks as I could handle.

I never thought it would affect me so much to see Ollie marrying somebody else. It had been like eight years since we… whatever you wanna call it. And it honest-to-God never even bothered me until I was there watching it happen. It hit a hell of a lot harder than I thought it would.

So yeah… not exactly a great time.

Lily’s wedding was a lot better, in pretty much every way. It was fun and relaxed, I knew everybody there, I was in the wedding party (so I actually got to spend time with Lil), and I got to sit with Ollie at the reception. We got to catch up a little bit, but it was still really weird.

Natalie was there too, of course, and I’m pretty sure that’s part of what made it so awkward. I was this weird third wheel who barely even knew her, and she was all tired and grumpy from being pregnant… so we didn’t exactly hit it off as well as I would’ve liked. She was polite and stuff, but really distant. And she spent half the night complaining to Ollie about how tired and hot she was. They didn’t even stay the whole time.

I remember he kept asking her to go dance with him, but she didn’t want to. And all I could think of was how I’d dance with him in a heartbeat. I didn’t, for obvious reasons. But the thought was there, right up until he said goodbye and headed back to the hotel.

Sorry for the novel-length tangent. I’ve never really talked to anybody before about seeing Ollie at those weddings. Guess I’ve been holding on to some shit. It feels kinda good getting it out there.

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that the last two times I saw Ollie were A, super awkward, and B, at these big social events where there were tons of other people around. I can’t even remember the last time it’s been just him and me.

So I’m excited to finally have that chance, obviously. But nervous too. And… It’s hard to explain the weird nostalgia that’s hitting me right now. The only other person I’ve ever felt it with is Landon. I don’t feel it all the time, and not even every time I talk to Ollie or hear Landon’s name on TV… But sometimes it sneaks up on me.

I’m sure this all sounds like I’m some pathetic loser who’s still in love with his old flames from high school. But I’m not. It’s more complicated than that.

I don’t love either of them anymore. How can I love someone I don’t even know?

Two-time Super Bowl champion Landon Littlehale? Who the hell is that? And Oliver Rucker, hot-shot city lawyer with a wife and daughter? Never heard of him. 

I’m sure they’d both feel the same way about Dr. Asher Rosebrook. 

Thing is, even though I don’t love them, I remember what it felt like to love them. And it’s a nice memory. One that lingers in the back of my mind from time to time. It’s nostalgic and warm and a bunch of other cheesy-as-hell things I’m too lazy to list here.

But it’s just that — a memory. It’s not even a real feeling anymore.

So I guess what this all boils down to is I’m hoping I can feel something again when I see Ollie on Monday. 

Now, I’m nothing if not a realist… maybe even a pessimist, depending on who you ask. I know Ollie’s married now. I know he’s not the same Ollie I was in love with way back then. I’m not expecting to go all goo-goo eyed at the sight of him and get myself wrapped up in some godawful rom-com plot to steal him from his wife or something. I’m not delusional. 

Ollie’s not even my best friend anymore, let alone anything more than that. Lily stole that crown from him a long time ago. And to be honest, he’s barely even a regular friend at this point, much as I like to call him that.

But I’m hoping this is a chance to get back at least a little bit of what we’ve lost. I’m never gonna get my old best friend back, because that Ollie I used to know has been gone for a long time. But maybe this new Ollie’s worth getting to know better. Maybe we can try and be friends again — actual friends, not two near-strangers who just text each other ‘Happy Birthday’ once a year. Maybe New Asher and New Ollie can hit it off just as well as the old ones did. 

Plus, well, I know what I said before, about being “Dr. Rosebrook” now. I’ve changed a lot… But maybe not completely. That awkward teenager isn’t me anymore, but he’s always gonna be part of me. He’s still in there somewhere, deep down (maybe not as deep as I’d always like him to be, sometimes). And there’s a selfish part of me hoping the old Ollie is still somewhere in there too.

Of course, if life’s taught me one thing, it’s that you should never get your hopes up. 

But maybe it wouldn’t hurt to let myself hope a little bit… Just this once.

14 thoughts on “9.40: Nostalgia

  1. Oh Asher…. ever the dreamer. I have no idea why Ollie wants to meet. Maybe just because he’s in town for whatever reason and thought saying hi would be nice. I can see Asher coming away from that meeting depressed again. I think he’s just going through life right now halfway looking for a replacement Ollie or Landon because those guys are definitely on pedestals. It’s going to be hard for anyone else to live up to the ghost of Ollie past or Landon past. Especially when he sees Landon on TV and knows Ollie is very successful and still occasionally communicates with him. 💔 Sadly, as hopeful as Asher is I’m more hopeful he doesn’t get his heart handed to him again. Wednesday can’t come fast enough! I’m very anxious how it’s going to go.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think you’re right about Asher putting them on pedestals. Even if he doesn’t realize he’s doing it… the adult Ollie and Landon might be strangers to him but the ghosts of the teenage-Ollie and Landon he was in love with still linger!

      This definitely has the opportunity for Asher to get hurt again… but hopefully not 😬 We will see the big reunion next week! 😁

      Liked by 1 person

  2. oh no I do wonder if Asher is setting himself up for disappointment. I hope Ollie is there to just talk and not stir things up because if his marriage did fail Asher could be a rebound and he deserves more than that. It would be nice if he could find someone.

    No worries on being late putting chapters out I have been so random on my stories lately lol.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hopefully he won’t regret getting his hopes up… 😬 Next chapter should be interesting! We’ll find out what’s going on with Ollie and see whether Asher’s hopes for friendship are dashed or not…

      And thanks for your understanding! It’s hard to keep up with things during all the madness going on in the world!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh Asher! Finally letting himself be positive for once! I so hope he doesn’t end up regretting, but unfortunately I know better than him how these Rosebrook stories usually go 😉

    I’m so very curious as to why Ollie will be in town! I’m also wondering why Asher *isn’t* so curious about that (unless, of course, he is and other feelings took precedence in the journaling, haha). Looking forward to the next chapter, as always, but please take your time! Your updates are always worth the wait!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What are you talking about? Things always go great for Rosebrooks 😇

      Your curiosity will be satisfied next chapter! As for Asher, he IS curious too, but like you said, his other feelings took precedence here haha It’s been a long time since he’s allowed himself to reflect on the feelings he shared here, so they ended up the focus. But he definitely wonders too!

      And thank you very much for your understanding and kind words! ❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I mean, based on the last chapter it’s pretty clear that Ollie is at least separated if not divorced, but who knows why he’s coming back into town? Is it just to see Asher? Is there some other reason? Who knows? But I think things are going to get super dramatic next week (or whenever Ollie finally admits why he’s in town) because Rosebrook.

    I’m just ready for Asher to decide to get away and go back to Germany, maybe to talk things over with his grandfather, and then meet a nice German boy and go back through family history and then bing bang boom. Or whatever.

    I hope all is well! Are you done with the school year? I’ve still got two and a half weeks but remote learning is NO JOKE and I’m so ready to get back to work in a real school building. If you are done, hopefully you’re able to relax and enjoy your summer – as much as possible, at least! Strange times we’re living in.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi!! I’d been thinking of you during all the remote teaching madness! I’m glad you’re in the home stretch! Our sorta-last day is Friday. The next two weeks after that are for kids to makeup work and us to enter grades, so the end is in sight for me too! It’s definitely insane and I’m glad you’re hanging in there! ❤

      Next chapter will answer all Ollie questions, I promise 😛 Though the "Asher going back to Germany" part remains a mystery for now 😛 I like the idea though! 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s been so much more difficult than I anticipated, but I’m hoping that next year won’t be as bad and that we’ll at least open up partway.

        Yeah, I’m excited to see what happens next!

        Liked by 1 person

  5. That was really insightful. The part about “remembering how it was to love someone but not actually loving them anymore” hit me surprisingly hard.
    It’s super nice to hear from Ash again and to know life isn’t all that bleak from his perspective. He just makes it seem like it is, hahah.
    Now, I’m ready for the drama 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! I loved writing that line. It was a struggle to articulate Asher’s feelings, and I think that was the best way he (and I!) could do it.

      There’s definitely a little positivity buried in there! Let’s hope his hopes and dreams aren’t crushed though 😬😬😬 🤞🏻🤞🏻🤞🏻

      Like

  6. Aww…what an awkward event…all those weddings (and maybe high school reunions too?)

    So sad Asher is still in limbo. I’m sure it’ll be awkward in meeting Ollie but I’m sure he’ll be moving back! And then they’ll go out and run into Landon somehow. 😜

    Like

  7. I think there’s a lot of truth to Asher’s take on past loves lost. Quite insightful, Dr Rosebrook! He seems to have a good outlook ahead of the meeting, weary that Ollie is not the same dreamboat he once knew (though I do hope he’s retained his looks LOL), but open to reconnecting as friends. And how can you not idolise your first love, especially when you’re single!

    Let’s hope Landon comes into the picture again toon, even if just to see how he’s been doing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. He’s gotten pretty wise over the years, in some ways! Who knew? 😛 and very true about idolizing your first love. I’m sure when Asher was in other relationships, he didn’t think about Ollie or Landon very much… but single and lonely Asher definitely thinks back on those teenage loves with some longing. But you’re right — he’s being realistic about this reunion with Ollie. He’s not going into this expecting anything but friendship (especially since Ollie is married haha but even if he wasn’t, Asher would feel the same). We will find out next chapter if Ollie kept his looks 😉

      As for Landon showing up again… you never know 🤷🏻‍♀️😈

      Liked by 1 person

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