9.30: Psychosomatic

Hey guys! Just wanted to say a couple things before we start:

  • Once again, thank you all SO MUCH for your patience. I’m so sorry that things are going so slow right now 😦  I’ve been very busy and stressed with other things, which has resulted in a lack of both time and motivation when it comes to A2A (Please don’t worry though! Again, after 4 years, the story is not going anywhere!) I’m gonna try hard to do better moving forward, but in the meantime, I really appreciate everyone putting up with my “Schedule? What’s a schedule?!” thing I’ve got going on right now ❤
  • I apologize for how extremely short this chapter is (I know it’s a huge letdown after a 3-week wait! 😦 ). I intended for it to be a bit longer, but I just really wanted to finish it and publish it so I could get SOMETHING out for you guys. I promise the next one will be longer, and with any luck, not as ridiculously long of a wait either!

 ——————————————————–

I still don’t understand how the hell this happened.

I thought I was doing everything right. I thought I was being a good boyfriend. I thought I’d gotten good enough at putting all that weird shit with Ollie behind me. I thought Landon wouldn’t notice… or care.

But he did.

And now everything just fucking sucks. Losing Landon has literally sucked the joy out of every single thing in my life.

Sounds extreme, right? But you have no idea how long I’ve… I don’t even know the right word for it. But I don’t think I can remember a time in my life when Landon didn’t give me butterflies. I can’t even count the number of times I used to fantasize about being with him (and no, not just sex… though, yeah, it was a big part of things. Duh). I just… I always knew he was the person I wanted to be with. 

And yeah, you could say I was putting him on a pedestal or something. But I’ve always felt like that phrase doesn’t really work unless the person doesn’t live up to your expectations. That’s when the pedestal gets knocked over and everything falls apart. 

But in the end, actually being with Landon was more amazing than I ever even imagined. He’s so much more than a pretty face or a perfect ass. He’s funny and sweet and smarter than anybody gives him credit for…

And for a couple months, he was mine.

UGH. Where the fuck did I go wrong?

I know it sounds all lame and over-dramatic, but it’s like nothing even matters anymore. Things I used to give a shit about mean nothing now.

After years and years of missing out, Mom finally won her first Oscar last Sunday night. And there was a time in my life when I cared so much, I used to cry and act like it was the end of the goddamn world whenever she didn’t win. But now?

I mean, I was really happy for her, obviously. She’s worked her ass off to finally get this.

But I wasn’t as happy as I should have been. I just kept thinking about how Landon should’ve been there to celebrate with me. And when Ollie texted me to congratulate Mom, it just made things even worse. 

Thinking about Ollie kills me just about as much as thinking about Landon does right now. It’s one of those stupid things where I logically know that how I feel makes absolutely zero sense, but I still can’t stop myself from feeling it (How many times do I have to say it? Someone seriously has to figure out how the hell to turn feelings off. Instant Nobel Prize right there).

I know how ridiculous and awful it is, but every time I look at Ollie now, this stupid voice in the back of my head just keeps saying “it’s all your fault’.

If he wasn’t so warm and funny and kind and hot… None of this would have happened right? 

If he’d just left my head and my heart alone, everything would be fine. I wouldn’t have had to deal with any of those bullshit feelings, Landon wouldn’t have figured it out, and everything could just be normal

Except, is it really his fault? (That was rhetorical… we all know the answer to that one). I’m the one who let myself feel that way about Ollie. And I’m the one who couldn’t figure out how to deal with it. The only person I should be blaming is me. 

So why can’t I stop feeling so fucking mad at Ollie?

I guess that was kinda rhetorical too. I think maybe it’s because feeling mad is easier than all the other shit I’ve been feeling about him. Because without Landon, those feelings seem a hell of a lot more ‘real’, in a way. It’s like they’ve crossed the line from being dumb fantasies to actually being possible… And that’s fucking terrifying.

Especially since I don’t even know if I really want any of that anymore. All I know is that right now, I just want Landon back. It’s all I can think about.

I’m less than a week away from finally taking my SATs, and I can’t even focus enough to study anymore. Any time I try, I just start thinking of Landon and all those hours we spent in the library together. It’s fucking killing me. Any time I think about him or Ollie too much, I just feel like I’m gonna puke. Literally. I haven’t been sleeping, I’ve been sick to my stomach…

I swear to God, this whole thing has me about to diagnose myself with some kind of psychosomatic disorder. I don’t even know what I’d call it — naming diseases and shit is more Lily’s thing, not mine. Point is, I’m feeling like absolute shit right now in more ways than one, and I just want it to stop. 

I even tried skipping out on Trig for a while too… After everything that happened, the thought of sitting in that room right between the two of them was just too much. I couldn’t do it. 

I made it like a week and a half before Mr. Marshall finally caught-on. Then the other day, he called Mom and Dad to ask why I’d been missing so much class lately.

Yeah, that was fun. They’re used to getting calls about me forgetting my filter with teachers and stuff. But skipping class? They kinda flipped (or, flipped as much as my parents can. They’re pretty chill about most stuff, even when they’re pissed at me).

They know how messed up this shit with Landon’s got me though. And it’s only been like two weeks since he dumped me. I’m still… mourning? I don’t know what the hell you call this. But my parents know I’m a fucking mess right now… Just not the extent of it.

They know Penny had some crazy conspiracy theory that Ollie dumped her because of me. But they have no idea about how I feel. And I don’t want them to.

Anyway, point is, they were kinda understanding, but they still ended up talking me into going back to that stupid fucking class. Which means now I get to spend every morning sitting between Landon and Ollie while slowly wishing I could just curl up into a ball and disappear. It’s torture. How the hell am I supposed to put up with this for three more months?!

I guess I just don’t know what I’m gonna do. I mean, I know what I should do. As Lily not-so-subtly keeps reminding me, Ollie’s been my best friend for more than half my life. And maybe she’s right. After all the weird ups and downs we’ve had this year, maybe this can finally be our chance to get things back to normal?

Or as normal as they can be when you’re in love with your best friend and pining for your ex at the same time.

God, that’s so fucked, isn’t it?

Guess this means we’ve officially reached the final act of this stupid Hollywood drama that is my life right now. Everything’s gone to shit. I lost my boyfriend, I might’ve lost my best friend too, my sister’s an annoying piece of shit, I’m probably gonna bomb my fucking SATs…

There’s no way this thing’s gonna have a happy ending, is there?

33 thoughts on “9.30: Psychosomatic

  1. Yikes. That’s rough. In trig he’s literally stuck between a rock and hard place.
    Congrats to Emberlynn for winning an Oscar.
    I’m just waiting for this to blow up. I assume it’s going to come to light that it was Penny who wrecked his relationship. And if that’s true then this house is going to be a war zone.
    I enjoyed this chapter!
    (P.S. did you watch the final episodes of Bojack Horseman?)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, Trig is a total nightmare for the poor kid now! As if he didn’t hate that class enough before 😬

      Emberlynn appreciates the congratulations! She’s worked very hard to finally get that recognition!

      As for whether the truth will come out, we shall see! We still have 4 or 5 chapters before the teen arc ends, so you never know what will happen 😈 Glad you enjoyed!

      (PS: I did!!!! I cried a lot 😭 I thought it was a satisfying ending and I’m gonna miss that show so much! What did you think?)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I was really sad about it ending and the way it ended, but when I look back at it I like it. It had a peaceful ending and I’m glad it ended that way for a lot of the characters

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Asher is a mess. For that matter so are Ollie and Landon. Somethings gotta give. Maybe it’s just graduation and moving on. But he and Ollie have another year. Maybe after Landon’s gone it’ll get easier. Asher’s be forced to move on. 😢😢😢

    Liked by 1 person

    1. A mess might be an understatement 😂 But you’re right, maybe just time and having Landon leave for school will make things a little easier on all of them…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Teenagers are soooo dramatic! Lol! But it does feel like the end of the world and you can’t get out of it. I hope something happens to change his outlook. Maybe another guy will come into the picture? That might just be the solution!

    And glad to see this pop up in my WP reader! 😜❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s so true! Haha the world ENDS when you are dumped as a teenager, and poor Asher is definitely feeling that right now.

      Another guy, huh? 🤔 A guy named… Ollie, perhaps? 😛 we’ll see!

      And I’m glad you were happy to see an update! ❤️ Sorry it took 25 years 😂

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Let’s be honest, at this point Asher just needs to renounce men and go back to Lily. Lol, I’m joking. Poor Lily, forever alone. 💔

          Although I am warming up to the idea of a third guy. Let’s turn this 3-way relationship into a 4-way relationship. In fact just add another 5 men and they can be the Hollyhock’s dads from BoJack Horseman.

          Liked by 2 people

    1. You’re right! Good catch 😉 Asher used the “L-word” in reference to Ollie for the first time ever 😱 And I don’t even think he realizes it…

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Poor Asher :C He’s still trying to figure out what’s going on and what he should do from now. But hey, maybe things will end up okay in the end for him and Ollie (perhaps after Landon moves away, they can reconcile). I also hope he figures out a way to talk to Penny and get her to understand (without as much yelling).

    I’m currently sick, but this update cheered me up! I always look forward to another post added to the legacy 🙂 I hope you have a great day (^-^)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah things are still upsetting and messy for the poor kid 😦 But you’re right, once he’s had a little time, maybe there can be hope for him and Ollie (and maybe some reconciling with Penny too! 🤞🏻)

      Thank you so much, hammy! ❤️ Sorry you’re sick though 😦 Feel better soon! And I’ll try to make the wait for the next chapter shorter next time!

      Like

  5. Hmmmm is Asher just confussing lust and love. 🤔
    I think that sometimes we (the readers) forget that he’s a hormonal teenager trying to make sense of it all. I know times in my life when I’ve confussed a really deep lust with thinking I’m love. (haha look at me pretending I’m a shrink and all that 😂)

    Also I stand by my previous comment, they just need to start a 3-way relationship, or at the very least ‘just bang it out’ 😘🤭😅

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You make a good point — to a teenager, is there really much difference between lust and love? 🤔 Ah, teenage hormones 😂 Asher feels *something* very strongly for both guys, whatever that feeling might be 🤷🏻‍♀️

      And LMAO that solution 😂 I think Asher would be okay with that option, at least! Might take some convincing to get the other two onboard though 😛

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Haha don’t know why but you writting “*something*” made me do one of those awkawrd embarassed laughs. My cheeks literally went red. I think I have issues. 🙄

        Well if the other two get on board than there are some very *interesting* custom animations and poses out there. 😈

        Also, meant to say before don’t worry about the crazy schedule, real life can be a B**** sometimes so I totally get the ‘rare but still fantastic posts’ phase you’re going through. 😊 Of course I selfishly wish all your RL issues can get sorted out so you can spend all your free time on A2A again!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Hahaha! Oh man, you are conjuring up some very, uh, interesting images there 😂

          And thank you for your understanding! I’m optimistic that things are gonna get a little better over the next couple weeks and I can get back to some sense of regularity!

          Liked by 1 person

  6. Aw damn. And he still has no idea that Penny was the one to send that stuff to Landon.

    Quick fact. The chater where we saw Penny in the hallway outside of Asher’s room while he was writing in his diary… I kinda figured at that point she was up to something… And i knew instantly that she was the one who was responsible for their break up.
    And when we saw Landon talk to Ollie, that just confirmed my suspiciouns about her sending some of his diary to Landon. How else was he supposed to know the extend of Asher’s feelings?
    Dumb sister… Really don’t like Penny. Not one bit.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yup, he still has no clue! 😮 Good job figuring out that she was gonna do something… Too bad Asher couldn’t see it himself! :-/

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Btw i still can’t like your posts… so annoying. I thought i couldn’t comment either so that’s why i haven’t done that for a long time now. But apparently i can 😛

    Liked by 1 person

  8. We needed a chapter to get inside Asher’s head after all the turmoil and drama. I feel bad for the kid, but also am sooo excited about all the sh!tstorm that’s still coming his way.
    Skipping class was super stupid, however understandable. Asher, come on, you’re an ambitious and smart guy, don’t mess up your exams and future 😦
    It’s interesting that he finally named his feelings for Ollie, but I kind wish he gets a break from all the boys si he can focus.

    And of course you shouldn’t worry about posting schedule. I’m sorry to read you’ve been stressed IRL, but after all these years I’d guess the readers know you too well to every doubt you’ll finish this story. But It should be fun and relaxing for you, too. I personally don’t mind the irregular updates, you should take all the time you need without feeling bad about it.
    Take care ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh yay, I always love seeing you pop in, my friend! ❤

      Glad that you're excited for the inevitable shitstorm LMAO it's always inevitable with A2A, huh? 😛 And you're right, he was being dumb to let this personal drama effect his going to class or studying for important tests! 😮 Hopefully he's seen the error of his ways!

      This was indeed the first time he's actually admitted to his Ollie feelings. I think he's at the point where there's nothing to lose, really. No point in denying it anymore… Though taking a break from all guys would probably be the best for him now, huh? 😛

      And I sincerely appreciate your kind and encouraging words! You are very sweet. And I'm so glad you have faith that I will finish! After four years and eight generations, there's no way I'm gonna quit this thing now! Just taking it slow and steady for a little bit.

      Thank you again ❤ ❤ ❤

      Like

  9. Poor Asher…what tangled web he’s weaved for himself. His sister should have not have done what I suspect she did. Eww trig…and the dang college prep exam test…we’ve just had ACT’s at the school where I work. I hope Asher gets himself together in time for the test or has some big lightbulb moment or something. Yay his mom finally got her night…just too bad he couldn’t enjoy it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, bad timing of this Oscar win… But at least it was a slightly happy moment amongst all of Asher’s teenage angst! 😛 It’s definitely a tangled web… Hopefully he can un-tangle himself enough to get it together for his tests! He’s such a driven and ambitious kid… He can’t let this personal drama mess up his future!

      Like

  10. Ughhh!That’s horrible!

    This whole things is a mess. First, he’s going to end up bombing his own future because of relationship problems. I can’t blame him for feeling this way, since he’s a teen, and it’s the first time he actually had to deal with a broken heart.But still, not getting the degree you worked so hard for because of relationship issues with is so bad. It’s making even more demage.Hopefully he’ll be able to pull it together just enought so that he can do well in his SAT’s, instead of being a hot mess and maybe losing a whole year of studying because of poor timing.

    As we can see, emotional intelligence is diferent from being just book smart. Asher might know a lot, but he surely doesn’t know how to deal with his own feelings and the situation he’s in. Someone should smack him out of this, so that he stops curling up and crying and realizes there are bigger things then losing a boyfriend.”You keep on crying, the only place they’ll accept you resume is in MacDonald’s,you ok with this?’

    Hopefully this will either settle down before his SAT’s, so that he has enought inner Peace (AKA has utterly destroyed his sister) to take the test.As the previous generation said, having closure helps, so I think just ending this whole mess and having the cat out of the bag could (?) help.

    But I doubt Asher and Ollie will be friends after admiting their feelings one another lol. It’s either boyfriends or nothing, in my opinion. They were all too pacient to keep up their friendship after everything that happened. Knowing each other ever since they were kids or not, some things just cant be ignored, and it surely will be the last straw (i think).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. (Sorry it took 25 years to reply to you!!!) You’re so right — Asher needs to not let his grades suffer because of this. It’s hard because it feels like the end of the world to him right now. But he needs to move on and focus on what matters…

      You bring up a perfect point about emotional intelligence vs academic intelligence… clearly Asher is very much lacking in one of those 😬

      As for Asher and Ollie… we’ll see what happens from here. You might be right that getting the feelings out there could mean doom for their friendship 😱 But maybe there’s still hope the ship can somehow sail….? We shall see.

      Thank you so much for your wonderful comment, as always! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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