9.28: I’d Choose You

Asher couldn’t help the wave of dread that washed over him as he followed Landon over the threshold and into the Littlehales’ familiar living room. It was the first time in about a week that Landon had invited Asher over to his house. He was finally done avoiding him and making excuses, it seemed. 

“Can you come over after school today?” He’d asked. “We need to talk.”

Asher had agreed, despite the unpleasant twisting in the pit of his stomach. He knew exactly what was coming, of course — Landon was about to reveal that he’d be leaving for Ohio at the end of the school year.

And even though it was something he’d been expecting for a couple of months, Asher still felt a sense of dread at having to hear his boyfriend speak the words aloud. And Landon’s oddly sullen demeanor did little to help. It was so strange to see him like this. Asher missed his smile, his warmth… 

He’ll be fine. I’ve just gotta remind him that we’re gonna be okay.

“Asher?” Landon’s voice shook slightly as he spoke his name. He was going to get straight to the point, it seemed. “I… I guess I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to say this. But… But I…” He paused, swallowing.

Asher took the opportunity to cut-in. “Don’t worry. You don’t have to say it. I know what this is about.” He let out a soft sigh as he spoke. 

His boyfriend eyed him skeptically. “You do?”

Asher nodded. “OSU… You made up your mind, right? You’re going?”

“Oh. Yeah, I did.” Landon replied lamely. “But I –”

“Landon, don’t worry about it. We’re gonna be fine.” Asher continued, fighting to sound confident. “This is your dream, and it’s gonna be fucking amazing. Just focus on that, and… What’s that cheesy shit parents always say? ‘The rest will work out’, or something? We can make this work.” He forced the biggest smile he could.

Landon took a long, slow breath. Something about such a simple action sent an unpleasant shiver of dread down Asher’s spine. “Asher, this isn’t about OSU.”

He felt like he was going to be sick. Asher said nothing as he waited for Landon to continue.

“I don’t know how else to say it… But I can’t do this anymore. I just can’t.”

It felt like someone had dumped a bucket of ice-cold water over his head. In an instant, his entire body was frozen, from his head to his toes. “What?” It was the only word Asher could manage to form.

“I can’t do it.” Landon repeated. He didn’t even look Asher in the eyes as he spoke. “I can’t be with someone who’s in love with someone else.”

Asher’s mind was a flurry of incoherent thoughts and emotions as the meaning behind Landon’s words began to sink in. He wanted to cry. He wanted to scream. And perhaps above all, he wanted to curl up into a ball and just die. None of this could be real. It couldn’t be happening.

“Landon… Landon what the fuck?!” He choked out at last. “I’m not—”

“Don’t lie to me! Don’t you dare fucking lie! Not anymore!”

Never in his life had Asher seen Landon so angry. It was terrifying. 

“I told myself I wasn’t gonna get mad… but Jesus fucking Christ, Asher! How long were you gonna keep this up?! You told me again and again and again that I’m the only one. But I’m not, am I?”

“What the hell?! You think I cheated on you?!”

Landon shook his head. “No… But tell me this, huh? How many times were we together and you were thinking about Ollie instead?”

“Never!” Asher could no longer breathe. It was like there was something enormous and immovable crushing down on his chest. 

“I kept trying to tell myself it was in my head…I made so many excuses. I didn’t wanna believe it.”

“There’s nothing to believe!” Asher cried desperately.

Landon was still ablaze with anger. “Fine. Then look me in the eye right now and tell me you aren’t in love with Ollie.”

Asher stared into Landon’s beautiful green eyes — the eyes he loved so very much.

And he said nothing. He couldn’t do it. He simply couldn’t.

Instead, he burst into tears. And that seemed to be all the answer Landon needed.

Even through the blur of his tears, Asher could see that Landon was trembling slightly as he rose to his feet. “I think you should go.” His voice was trembling too.

But Asher shook his head, still rooted firmly to his spot on the couch. “I’m not leaving until you listen to me!” He begged. 

He hadn’t broken down like this since he was a child. It was humiliating. But he couldn’t help it. Everything was falling apart around him, utterly and completely destroyed. And it seemed there was nothing he could do to stop it.

With a heavy sigh, Landon sat back down on the couch, holding his face in his hands. Asher realized with a jolt that he was crying too.

“Landon… I love you. And yeah, maybe… Maybe I used to feel… something for Ollie. I don’t know!” Yes you do, his mind whispered. Landon told you not to lie… Asher shrugged it off and continued. “But I’m with you now, Landon. And I love you.” He repeated. 

Landon shook his head in reply. “How you feel about me doesn’t change how you feel about Ollie. And what is this ‘used to’ bullshit?!”

Asher physically winced at being called out on his lie. “Okay, fine. Maybe I’m still figuring some shit out! But that doesn’t mean I love him!” 

This time, he was sincere. The problem was, he also didn’t know that he didn’t love Ollie either. He wasn’t entirely sure what he felt… Which was why he’d been unable to look Landon in the eyes and deny his feelings just a few moments before.

“Landon, look… I’m fucking this up so bad. It’s all coming out wrong!” He insisted. “I don’t want you to think Ollie’s like… Like a threat or anything, okay?! He isn’t! Don’t you think I would’ve dumped you and gone for him by now or something if he was?!”

“Riiiight… I’m supposed to be grateful you decided to just string me along instead of dump me?!” Asher hated seeing Landon like this — bitter and angry and cold. “You’re not supposed to be thinking about some other guy when you’re with me! And besides, we’re only together because I got there first, right?” The older boy spat bitterly.

Much as he hated phrasing it that way, what Landon said was true, wasn’t it? It was like he’d said so often in his journal — things could have very easily been the other way around. 

Still, Asher couldn’t help feeling his own anger begin to bubble up at this accusation. “What about you and Riley, then?! How can you be such a hypocrite?! You supposedly always liked me, right? So when you were with him, didn’t you still have ‘feelings for me’, or whatever?!”

Landon’s brow furrowed in anger yet again. “I had a huge crush on you, but I wasn’t in love with you! Not yet… It was nothing like you and Ollie. You’re obsessed with him! You think about him all the time!”

“I don’t!” Asher’s voice broke with the effort of screaming through his tears. “I don’t know where the hell this is coming from, but you’re turning this into something it isn’t!”

“Fine, then what is it?!”

“I… I don’t know.” Asher admitted. He paused to take a slow, deep breath and try to calm himself. It almost worked. “But what I do know is that I love you. And I don’t wanna just throw everything away over this!”

Landon said nothing for several moments, and neither did Asher. They sat in the unbearable silence together while Asher tried to make sense of it all.

Where the hell had any of this come from?! How had Landon found out the truth of his feelings for Ollie? Hadn’t he been doing a good job concealing them? Trying to move on? Where had he messed up? What had he done wrong?!

“Asher… you’re right.” Landon’s deep voice suddenly called him back to the present. “I am a hypocrite.” He admitted softly. “And that’s why I thought this whole thing was gonna be a hell of a lot easier…” Landon shook his head slowly. “I just fucking lost it. I’m pissed. It fucking hurts. But… I get it.”

Asher looked at him incredulously, saying nothing.

“And me leaving… it’s gonna be good for both of us. I can get away from my shitty, homophobic dad and just… be me. And you can finally have your chance with Ollie.”

“But I don’t want a chance with—”

“Yeah, that’s what I kept telling myself too, at first.” Landon interrupted him. To Asher’s surprise, a small smile had come to Landon’s lips. “After Riley left, I mean. And I loved him. Seriously, I did. But it was different… He wasn’t you. And I’m not Ollie.” He finished with a small shrug before rising to his feet once more. “Now, my mom’s gonna be home soon… So… You really should go.”

With great reluctance, Asher rose to his feet as well. It was clear Landon wasn’t ready to talk any more about this. Not now, anyway. But there was no fucking way Asher would let him go without a fight.

“Y’know, you say you get it.” He said softly as he followed Landon to the front door. “But I don’t think you do.”

Landon shrugged. “It was pretty much the same thing for me — Riley got there first. But if I could go back in time or something and pick between you… Well, you probably know who I’d choose. And it fucking kills me, but I know who you’d pick too.”

“No, you don’t.” Asher insisted. “Because…” He paused. He had to be honest, didn’t he? There was no point in holding back anymore. “Because I don’t even know who I’d pick, Landon. It’s not that simple. I swear to God, it isn’t.”

Landon let out a soft chuckle that was devoid of any humor. “Well, it’s easy for me.” He reached out then, stroking one of his large hands against the smooth, freckled skin of Asher’s cheek. Asher closed his eyes at the gentle touch. “And for the record… I’d always choose you.”

The words that at one time would have made Asher’s heart leap instead cut him like a knife. 

Because no matter how desperately he wanted to, he could not say the same.