Note: Soooo I decided to do a… ‘thing’ for this chapter, as a slightly-late way to ‘celebrate’ 4 years of my story! I made an awkward, rambling ‘thank you’ video to share with you guys (prepare to cringe, oh lord), but I included a special little bonus at the end — a read-aloud of today’s chapter, just for fun 🙂
If you don’t want to listen to me read the chapter and just wanna read it yourself, that’s fine (I seriously don’t blame you… lol)! But if you DO want to read along with me, you can watch the video below (and skip the long intro if you want! The time stamp is in the video), and scroll down to read along with my awkward self haha
Anyway, here is the video. And whether you decide to watch it or not, I hope you enjoy today’s chapter! Thanks for reading, everyone! ❤
Did you know that there are about two hundred different types of cancers (that we know about, anyway)? Which is equal parts crazy and terrible… but me and Lily already promised that between the two of us, we’re gonna find cures for at least half of them someday.
And anyway, not only are there so many of them, but they’re all so different — they have different risk factors, they effect different parts of your body, they have different treatment options, different survival rates, all that crap, right? (I promise I’m going somewhere with this, just hold on)
And there’s another way they’re different too. Sometimes, there are early warning signs — symptoms that are super-fucking obvious, send you running to the doctor, and get you diagnosed early.
But with other types of cancers, the signs are a lot harder to see. Or you do see them, but you kinda brush them off and make excuses. And when that happens, sometimes that means you don’t get diagnosed til it’s too late.
So, keeping all that in mind… can’t feelings kinda be the same way?
Like, sometimes they effect you in a different way. Or they’re stronger or weaker than other feelings. Or sometimes you can tell really early. The signs and symptoms are crystal-fucking-clear, and there’s no mystery about it or anything. You know exactly how you feel, and that’s that.
But other times… Maybe the signs aren’t as obvious. Maybe you don’t recognize them for what they really are. So you brush it off and try to ignore it.
And it’s not until your bitchy little sister screams it in your face that you’re able to see it for what it really is. And at that point… it’s too late.
God fucking damnit.
I’m jealous. I’m fucking jealous.
And I have absolutely no right to be.
Why couldn’t Penny have kept her goddamn mouth shut?! I know it’s stupid as hell, but like… Hearing her say it just made something click, or whatever.
It took me a little while to calm down after she said it though. Especially since she said it in front of Ollie. I have no idea how much he heard, but either way, I was fucking PISSED.
Mom and Dad both came and tried to give me one of their lame ‘parent’ talks afterwards, which pissed me off even MORE, honestly. But at least they didn’t try and ground me or any of that stupid shit. They just ‘wanted to know what was going on’ and ‘what happened with my sister’.
I tried to humor them a little, but I could tell they were frustrated when I was giving them a bunch of vague answers. I think they wanted me to ‘open up’ to them or something. And much as I love my parents… No. Just no. This is WAY too embarrassing and weird to even touch with them. Plus, like I said, I was too mad to even think straight anyway.
But once I had some time to calm down…
Fuckkkk I hate this.
It’s already been like a week, and I’m finally forcing myself to try and write all this shit out. Maybe getting it out of my system will help? I don’t even know anymore.
But remember what I said before? About how I’m over Ollie now? I guess what this all boils down to is that I’m not really as ‘over’ him as I thought I was.
And that’s just super shitty and totally not fair. Especially to Landon.
I mean, Landon’s amazing. He’s funny and sweet and hot as hell. And (brace yourself, this is gonna be cheesy-as-fuck), but the more time we spend together, the more I can feel myself really falling for him.
So why the hell can’t I get Ollie out of my head?! What’s it supposed to mean?! I mean like, it doesn’t mean I like Ollie more than Landon, does it?
If I did, this would be easy. I’d break up with Landon, bide my time til Ollie finally figures out Penny’s a shitty girlfriend, and then… I dunno. Probably be too afraid to actually make a move or anything, if we’re being completely honest here.
But the point is, if I liked Ollie more, then being with Landon wouldn’t feel right. But it does. Whenever we’re together, it’s just… perfect. Literally like a scene from a movie (whether we’re talking romantic comedy or straight-up romance depends on the day though… comedy usually provided by yours truly and my trusty word-vomit… or whatever other bodily fluid chooses to come out at the wrong time).
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that things with Landon are amazing. I love being with him.
But I love being with Ollie too, you know? In a not-as-platonic-as-it-should-be sorta way. I used to try and ignore it, but now that I’m thinking back on everything, I can see it. I feel something when the two of us are together. Something different than what I feel with Landon, but… It’s still something that feels right, you know?
So I really don’t think this is a case of one feeling being STRONGER than the other. Just… different.
And, to bring back my weird metaphor from earlier, the problem is that if I don’t find an effective way to ‘treat’ all these weird Ollie feelings, it’s just gonna grow. It’ll spread and get worse and then… I don’t know what’ll happen.
What I do know is that I don’t want this to fuck things up with Landon. It doesn’t matter how I feel about Ollie — Landon’s the one I’m with now. He’s my boyfriend, not Ollie. And I’m so happy we’re finally together, after all this time. He’s the most incredible boyfriend I could ever ask for. I’ve literally been dreaming about this for years. And now that I finally have it, there’s no way I’m gonna let it go.
But I can’t lie — I feel like it could’ve easily been the other way around. Back at Homecoming… Part of me still feels like Ollie wasn’t joking that night. And if he wasn’t, and I’d gone for it then… Maybe things would be different now. Maybe I’d be with Ollie instead.
But even if I was, this would still be happening. Yes, Ollie would be my boyfriend. He’d be the one I wouldn’t wanna let go…
But I’d still be thinking about Landon, just like how I’m thinking about Ollie now. I know I would.
See? I can’t win, can I? There’s just no way.
Fuck, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. But I’ve gotta find some way to deal with this. Because right now, I’m being kind of an asshole, aren’t I? To Ollie, to Penny (ugh, I hate admitting that), and especially to Landon, even if he doesn’t realize it.
The one silver lining to this whole thing is that at least I finally KNOW. I ignored the symptoms for way too long, but at least now I’ve kinda ‘diagnosed’ myself, right? That’s the first step.
Now comes the hard part — Figuring out how the hell I’m supposed to treat this before it gets any worse. And I have no idea where to even start.
Know what? I’ve browsed a bunch of medical journals ever since I first decided I wanna be a doctor someday. And never — not once — have I ever seen anybody say they wanna find a cure for feelings.
But man, if someone ever manages to figure it out, get them a fucking Nobel Prize.