9.23: Diagnosis

Note: Soooo I decided to do a… ‘thing’ for this chapter, as a slightly-late way to ‘celebrate’ 4 years of my story! I made an awkward, rambling ‘thank you’ video to share with you guys (prepare to cringe, oh lord), but I included a special little bonus at the end — a read-aloud of today’s chapter, just for fun 🙂

If you don’t want to listen to me read the chapter and just wanna read it yourself, that’s fine (I seriously don’t blame you… lol)! But if you DO want to read along with me, you can watch the video below (and skip the long intro if you want! The time stamp is in the video), and scroll down to read along with my awkward self haha

Anyway, here is the video. And whether you decide to watch it or not, I hope you enjoy today’s chapter! Thanks for reading, everyone!

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Did you know that there are about two hundred different types of cancers (that we know about, anyway)? Which is equal parts crazy and terrible… but me and Lily already promised that between the two of us, we’re gonna find cures for at least half of them someday.

And anyway, not only are there so many of them, but they’re all so different — they have different risk factors, they effect different parts of your body, they have different treatment options, different survival rates, all that crap, right? (I promise I’m going somewhere with this, just hold on)

And there’s another way they’re different too. Sometimes, there are early warning signs — symptoms that are super-fucking obvious, send you running to the doctor, and get you diagnosed early.

But with other types of cancers, the signs are a lot harder to see. Or you do see them, but you kinda brush them off and make excuses. And when that happens, sometimes that means you don’t get diagnosed til it’s too late.

So, keeping all that in mind… can’t feelings kinda be the same way?

Like, sometimes they effect you in a different way. Or they’re stronger or weaker than other feelings. Or sometimes you can tell really early. The signs and symptoms are crystal-fucking-clear, and there’s no mystery about it or anything. You know exactly how you feel, and that’s that.

But other times… Maybe the signs aren’t as obvious. Maybe you don’t recognize them for what they really are. So you brush it off and try to ignore it.

And it’s not until your bitchy little sister screams it in your face that you’re able to see it for what it really is. And at that point… it’s too late.

God fucking damnit.

I’m jealous. I’m fucking jealous.

And I have absolutely no right to be.

Why couldn’t Penny have kept her goddamn mouth shut?! I know it’s stupid as hell, but like… Hearing her say it just made something click, or whatever. 

It took me a little while to calm down after she said it though. Especially since she said it in front of Ollie. I have no idea how much he heard, but either way, I was fucking PISSED. 

Mom and Dad both came and tried to give me one of their lame ‘parent’ talks afterwards, which pissed me off even MORE, honestly. But at least they didn’t try and ground me or any of that stupid shit. They just ‘wanted to know what was going on’ and ‘what happened with my sister’. 

I tried to humor them a little, but I could tell they were frustrated when I was giving them a bunch of vague answers. I think they wanted me to ‘open up’ to them or something. And much as I love my parents… No. Just no. This is WAY too embarrassing and weird to even touch with them. Plus, like I said, I was too mad to even think straight anyway.

But once I had some time to calm down… 

Fuckkkk I hate this.

It’s already been like a week, and I’m finally forcing myself to try and write all this shit out. Maybe getting it out of my system will help? I don’t even know anymore.

But remember what I said before? About how I’m over Ollie now? I guess what this all boils down to is that I’m not really as ‘over’ him as I thought I was. 

And that’s just super shitty and totally not fair. Especially to Landon. 

I mean, Landon’s amazing. He’s funny and sweet and hot as hell. And (brace yourself, this is gonna be cheesy-as-fuck), but the more time we spend together, the more I can feel myself really falling for him. 

So why the hell can’t I get Ollie out of my head?! What’s it supposed to mean?! I mean like, it doesn’t mean I like Ollie more than Landon, does it?

If I did, this would be easy. I’d break up with Landon, bide my time til Ollie finally figures out Penny’s a shitty girlfriend, and then… I dunno. Probably be too afraid to actually make a move or anything, if we’re being completely honest here.

But the point is, if I liked Ollie more, then being with Landon wouldn’t feel right. But it does. Whenever we’re together, it’s just… perfect. Literally like a scene from a movie (whether we’re talking romantic comedy or straight-up romance depends on the day though… comedy usually provided by yours truly and my trusty word-vomit… or whatever other bodily fluid chooses to come out at the wrong time).

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that things with Landon are amazing. I love being with him. 

But I love being with Ollie too, you know? In a not-as-platonic-as-it-should-be sorta way. I used to try and ignore it, but now that I’m thinking back on everything, I can see it. I feel something when the two of us are together. Something different than what I feel with Landon, but… It’s still something that feels right, you know?

So I really don’t think this is a case of one feeling being STRONGER than the other. Just… different

And, to bring back my weird metaphor from earlier, the problem is that if I don’t find an effective way to ‘treat’ all these weird Ollie feelings, it’s just gonna grow. It’ll spread and get worse and then… I don’t know what’ll happen.

What I do know is that I don’t want this to fuck things up with Landon. It doesn’t matter how I feel about Ollie — Landon’s the one I’m with now. He’s my boyfriend, not Ollie. And I’m so happy we’re finally together, after all this time. He’s the most incredible boyfriend I could ever ask for. I’ve literally been dreaming about this for years. And now that I finally have it, there’s no way I’m gonna let it go. 

But I can’t lie — I feel like it could’ve easily been the other way around. Back at Homecoming… Part of me still feels like Ollie wasn’t joking that night. And if he wasn’t, and I’d gone for it then… Maybe things would be different now. Maybe I’d be with Ollie instead. 

But even if I was, this would still be happening. Yes, Ollie would be my boyfriend. He’d be the one I wouldn’t wanna let go…

But I’d still be thinking about Landon, just like how I’m thinking about Ollie now. I know I would.

See? I can’t win, can I? There’s just no way.

Fuck, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. But I’ve gotta find some way to deal with this. Because right now, I’m being kind of an asshole, aren’t I? To Ollie, to Penny (ugh, I hate admitting that), and especially to Landon, even if he doesn’t realize it.

The one silver lining to this whole thing is that at least I finally KNOW. I ignored the symptoms for way too long, but at least now I’ve kinda ‘diagnosed’ myself, right? That’s the first step. 

Now comes the hard part — Figuring out how the hell I’m supposed to treat this before it gets any worse. And I have no idea where to even start.

Know what? I’ve browsed a bunch of medical journals ever since I first decided I wanna be a doctor someday. And never — not once — have I ever seen anybody say they wanna find a cure for feelings.

But man, if someone ever manages to figure it out, get them a fucking Nobel Prize.

27 thoughts on “9.23: Diagnosis

  1. Haha! Fun video! ❤️ and congrats!

    The cancer metaphor – OMG – he totally has cancer of the brain. Lol. Asher…… stop! I guess he can’t help himself, Rosebrook curse and all. He pined for Landon forever and now he’s jealous of Ollie. Shame on him! Now that he knows, he should take a step back and apologize to both Penny and Ollie before Landon gets hurt.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha! Thanks… I’m still so embarrassed by it but 🤷🏻‍♀️

      Poor Asher really does need to stop (like he said though… there’s no cure for feelings yet 😂) I think now that he’s more aware of his own feelings he can start trying to do something about it though! We’ll see in the next chapter what Asher’s next move is…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Honestly, I don’t think Asher is the one with the problem here – Ollie is. Asher is out. Ollie knows this. Asher is doing the best he can do to now make Ollie uncomfortable with anyone’s sexuality. *Ollie* is the one pulling the tail of the tiger and sending mixed signals, not Asher. I’d even venture that Ollie is being manipulative and using Asher for whatever emotional outlet Ollie needs at the moment, then discarding that basis of relationship when it’s not convenient.

    Too bad Phee’s not really in the picture at the moment. Asher could use a good chat with him.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s a really interesting perspective about Ollie and his role in all this. I think it makes sense to see his actions as manipulative, to a degree, but I don’t think he’s doing so intentionally. But he definitely needs to get his shit together.

      And yes, Phoenix would be very helpful right now 😬😬😬

      Thank you so much for reading, as always ❤️

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      1. Outside perspective and thirty-some-odd years of life experience gives perspective, I suppose. Hence wishing for Phoenix.

        One can be manipulative and not malicious. Teenagers are dumb. I do want Lily to swoop in and save the day like a good friend-who-is-a-girl supporting a friend. I like her a lot, and she’s *just* brash enough that a good brainwave would be in character.

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  3. In love with two boys…what’s Asher going to do? Have BOTH! Lol! Jk 😝

    Well…he’ll get closer to one and the other feelings will fade away. But with Landon leaving for college, hmm…

    Ollie does seem to like Asher very much but he’s dating Penny! So, not sure how Asher can “treat” his feelings except maybe talk it over? That might help him not to get so jealous. 🤷‍♀️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha! If only poly could be the answer to every love triangle 😉 I feel like Asher wouldn’t be opposed to the idea 😂😈 But neither Landon or Ollie would be cool with sharing, unfortunately 😉

      Landon leaving for college has the potential to make thing interesting 😬 And you’re probably right that talking would be the best way to sort this out… but since when has a Rosebrook ever seen “talk it over” as a viable solution for their problems? 🤔😂

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  4. I loved watching your video! 😀 You look so pretty ❤ It was a very interesting and insightful chapter. And interesting to hear it in your voice too. It was very captivating when you read it. Kinda hoping you'll do it again sometime 😀 *fingers crossed*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw! Thank you for taking the time to watch my horribly awkward video 😂 I’m glad you liked the read-along with the chapter! It was pretty fun for me… maybe I’ll do it again in the future! (Or even with a past chapter 🤔)

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow, Asher is being very thoroughly insightful. Not only acknowleding that he has strong feelings for both boys, he would have ended up like this anyway, but also that there isn’t a clean or good solution. He is happy with Landon and intends to stay faithful to him, but wouldn’t lead him on if he liked Ollie more. A bit more mature than most teens, I guess. But that’s a valuable thing for him to learn – falling in love isn’t that one switch that keeps you from falling for anybody else as long as you are loving and happy. That feeling can happen always. The important thing about it is not leading anyone on, not even yourself. Not questioning it, remembering your current relationship, happyness and love for what they are and not making any moves behind your partners back. Happy threesome may have its chance, or not, but everyone involved can become happy nonetheless.

    Thanks for the video and your appreciation, your story makes my everyday life a little bit richer. Just remember to take a breath each one and then and don’t stress yourself too much. The read-along was great and it was interesting to hear what you imagine Asher to speak like.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, this was a moment of real clarity for Asher! He’s finally understanding what is going on with his feelings. The question now is how he’s gonna move forward. Like you said, he’s not going to leave Landon over this. It’s not that simple for him. But he needs to find a way he can move forward without letting those feelings for Ollie interfere, and I do think that might be a bit of a challenge for him! We’ll see though…

      I’m glad you liked my awkward video! 😂 and it means a lot of you to say that you feel that way about my story, thank you! ❤️ I’ll try not to stress as much! (But no promises lol) thank you again ❤️❤️❤️

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  6. Dark WitcHazard: Hahaha his confusion pleases me! Honesty when he was think in g about killing Penny I kinda imagined him throwing her o er the stairs not proud of it but I kinda liked this idea!

    Lover WitcHazard: feelings are the worst but now that he’s thought about it I’m sure it’ll be slightly easier to deal with it going forward whether or not it gets worst is still up in the air!

    Shipper WitcHazard: I like both ships so much why are you making me choose one😭

    Anti Shipper: Here’s a thought Asher ended with both of them and hope for the best during medical school if you can make it last through that they’re the one for you!

    Thank you so much for your story! I can’t believe it’s been four years amazing! I really do appreciate every chapter you upload when I started reading your story I was going through a tough time getting over my grandmothers passing and this story became something consistent that I could look forward to every so many days. Now it’s something I share with my friends and family am fav they may not read it but it’s become something we constantly discuss that I believe helped us get closer so I’m extremely grateful for everything! Your eternal fan The Court of WitcHazards!😁❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha! Glad Dark is relishing in the torment 😂😈 And sorry for making Shipper so torn! 😬 Maybe Anti is right and heart should just be with neither and focus on med school 🤔😂

      Also, on a more serious note, reading your comment really made me so humbled and happy ❤️ It seriously is wonderful to know that my story means so much to you and has helped you in some way ❤️ Thank you so much for following my story for so long, and for your funny and insightful comments! I always look forward to them! Long Live the Court of Witchazards! ❤️

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  7. Yeah, that’s pretty much why I was kinda happy when Penny just spelled Asher’s problems for the whole wolrd to see.If she didn’t, he sure wouldn’t have admited how he felt about it himself.

    Huh, interresting.You know I love morally grey sitatuations. Life ain’t black nor white, there’s a lot of stuff in between, so it’s definetly interresting the way that Asher is looking for his reationships with both boys. As others said, pretty insightful, really.

    If he belives he can’t stop this feelings, then I’m sorry, he need s to cut ties with one of those sides. It’s like beng addicted, you know you’re weak when it comes to it, so better keep yourself as faaarway from it as you can, because the moment you *do* interact with it, no amount of self-strenght will bring you back.

    What i mean is, you can’t control feelings, so he should either stick to Landon and try to see if he can bury back his feelings for Ollie, or, if he realizes that he sure as heck *can’T* control his feelings, just start to avoid Ollie at all. I know it sounds petty, but sometimes the feelings are too strong for one to even control.

    And yes, as other’s said, this is both boy’s fault. Ollie for still keeping up this whole facade dating with Penny, not saying the truth (sexuality and romanic wise) to Asher so he can know what is actually happening, and Asher for kinda not admitting that he likes Ollie, and deciding what to do with that information,, like he is doing now.

    Also, great video! Thought I’ll admi it’s weird seeing a real person when you connect someone’s name with a profile pic and a profile name after all those years lol.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Man, cutting ties… a harsh solution, but probably the best one… will Asher have the strength to do that? 😬 And you’re right — they’re both to blame here, really. Penny and Landon are kind of the innocent ones here. Hopefully somehow all of them can come out of this relatively unharmed? 😬🤞🏻

      And thanks for watching the video! I’m sure it was weird seeing me 😂 it felt weird showing myself too! 😂😂😂

      Liked by 1 person

  8. hmm…all these mixed feelings is why I have tried to encourage some teens to date and not engage in sexual activity too early on. That way feelings can get sorted out. If Asher had held off and talked openly to both Landon and Ollie then maybe they wouldn’t be in this mess. But they are teens and not mature enough to logically think things thru just yet…..just like in real life.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah it’s a hard situation that probably could have been avoided with more maturity and better communication 😬😬😬

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  9. Amanda! Congrats 🎉🎈🎊 on the anniversary! Thank you for all the years and chapters that bring a big portion of excitement to my life. I mean, I’ve been reading since… March 2016? And now, every Saturday and Wednesday I’m like “oh, cool, there’s gonna be an A2A chapter to read in the evening”

    Your video was adorkable. You have such a warm energy and beautiful makeup. Super fun idea with the reading, I hope you do it again :).

    I also wanted to say that I don’t think all the drama is “super extra unrealistic”. I mean, drama is your trademark, but characters’ reactions are proportional and the way you write it makes it all very “human”, If that makes sense. I love how A2A readers can laugh about how much they cry but also cry for real when the shit gets real and heavy.

    As to Asher, well. I really like Landon and Ollie seems like a potentially bad news but a heart wants what a heart wants so I’m totally here for Ashllie (?) debacle and Asher’s downward spiral after this relationship messes him up. Again, drama ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It made me so happy to see this comment! I’ve missed you! ❤️ Thank you so much for always being such a great reader! (And apologies for no chapter today! I didn’t get to make an announcement, but I’m going to just Saturday updates through the holidays because life has gotten a little crazy! Haha)

      I’m glad you enjoyed my awkward video! 😂 I’m Asher-levels of awkward, but you are very sweet to say kind things about it! I’d love to read a chapter in the future!

      I also appreciate your kind words about my characters’ reactions feeling human ❤️❤️❤️ Thank you!

      And as for Asher… yes, drama lies in store no matter what, I fear! 😛 His heart is being pulled in two very different directions. How can he get out of this situation without anybody getting hurt? 🤔😬

      Thanks again! ❤️❤️❤️

      Like

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