It’s official. Landon Littlehale is the hottest guy on the entire fucking planet.
And yes, the rational side of me is well aware that, statistically speaking, he probably isn’t. And attractiveness is a subjective thing anyway… But that kind of logic doesn’t apply here. I mean, have you SEEN that ass? It defies all logic and reason. Seriously. We’re talking eighth wonder if the world over here.
Okay, I’ve gotta cool it. The last thing I need is to get a fucking boner in the back of Mr. Marshall’s awful math class. Though honestly? Sitting back here jerking it to thoughts of Landon’s ass would probably be a better use of my time than this.
Okay, I know that was harsh. Accurate, but harsh.
It’s just, I’m not even supposed to BE in this class anyway. I think that’s part of what pisses me off so much about it. When I signed up for AP Statistics this year, my advisor told me I could skip Trigonometry… But I had a free slot in my schedule and they wouldn’t let me add another study hall, so it was either this or get shoved into a French I class. And, much as my Dad wanted me to take French like he did, I figured an extra math class would at least be SOMEWHAT useful.
Now that I’ve seen how lame this class is though, part of me kinda wonders whether I should’ve listened to Dad after all… Désolé, Papa.
I should look on the bright side though — Ollie’s stuck in here with me, so we get to suffer through this crap together. And, of course, I totally lucked out landing a seat near the hottest guy in the whole school (or whole planet, if you ask me).
I just about died on the first day when I walked in and saw him sitting there. And obviously I nodded and smiled and pretended to totally sympathize when he started bitching to me about having to repeat Trig again this year (how did he manage to fail this thing before? I seriously don’t get it) but on the inside I was basically screaming. Who wouldn’t be?
So I guess it could be worse, all things considered. Only thing that would make it better is if Lily was stuck in here with us too, but she managed to dodge the Trig bullet, unlike me. At least we’ve got Stats together though (and AP Bio too).
Speaking of which, I’m betting right now that she’ll talk my ear off all next block about her dress for Homecoming. Last Friday she would NOT shut up about going shopping this weekend.
I love her to death, but sometimes she reminds me of Penny with the way she starts obsessing over stupid shit like clothes and makeup. And I dunno if it’s ‘cause I’m gay or my mom’s a costume designer or what, but for some reason she seems to think I actually care about that crap (and, like an idiot, I usually pretend that I do).
But hey, I’ll take slightly-obnoxious, overly-excited Lily any day, considering the alternative (which is moody, bitter, and about as un-Lily-like as you can possibly imagine. Think Jekyll and Hyde, but about ten times more terrifying).
That’s the Lily we’d all had to endure the past couple weeks after that absolute asswipe Steven Sloane decided to dump her right before school started. And yeah, I guess you could argue that I’m being a hypocrite here… I dumped Lily like five times between the ages of eleven and fifteen. But I was just a scared, stupid kid who was still trying to figure himself out back then. I never wanted to hurt her. I always let her down easy… Especially that last time, when I finally worked up the courage to tell the truth and come out to her.
This is completely different. Lily’s one of my best friends. We love each other no matter what. But I can tell you right now, there’s NO love where her and Steven are concerned. Lily fell for his act at first, but in the end, it turns out he was just some fake manipulative dickhead like half the other people in this dumb city. He was just using her for some easy sex, and once he got what he wanted, he kicked her to the curb. It makes me sick. Seriously. Poor Lily… She cried for a solid week over that douchebag (though I seriously can’t understand WHY — he’s not worth a single fucking tear as far as I’m concerned).
Anyway, I’m glad Lil’s finally getting back to her old self again, even if that means putting up with having to look at dozens of pictures of Homecoming dresses that look exactly the same. She’ll look great no matter what she wears, but she won’t listen to me when I try telling her that… Typical.
Speaking of which, I should probably figure out what I’M gonna wear to this thing too, huh? The dance is this Saturday. And believe it or not, I’m NOT dreading it for once.
This sounds totally awful, but I’m pretty sure it’s because this is gonna be the first time I’m not the only one one of my friends who’s single. Structurally-speaking, a third wheel actually adds stability, right? So I’ve never really understood the expression… But in a social situation? Yeah. It fucking blows.
This year will be different though. Like I said, Lily’s douchebag boyfriend just dumped her, and Ollie finally got rid of his bitchy girlfriend like a month ago. Trust me, she was bad news… Not Steven-bad, but bad enough. So bad that me and Lil literally baked him a cake to celebrate when he told us the news. Even Calvin joined in on the celebration.
Guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m really looking forward to finally being able to just hang with my friends and check out Landon’s ass in peace, you know? Without feeling awkward or weird or out of place like I usually do at these stupid dances when I’m the only one without a date.
Only thing I’m worried about now is Lily pulling more of her matchmaker bullshit on me. Without a date to distract her, I have this really awful feeling she’s gonna see Homecoming as prime time to revive her ridiculous ‘Operation: Get Asher Laid’ (yes, that’s seriously the name. Ollie made it up as a joke last year and it stuck).
Anyway, she’s always hounding me about getting a boyfriend because, well… I’ve never had one before (lame, I know). And it’s not like I’m the only gay guy at this school. There are a few guys around here who are super open about it (and I’m sure even more who aren’t).
But I’m just really not interested in any of them.
I dunno. Honestly, the only guys at this school who really seem worth it are either straight (Exhibit A: Ollie. I’ve gotta admit, there was a time when I used to dream, but… he’s only ever had girlfriends. Total waste, right?) or they’re Landon. And first off, he is WAY out of my league. He may not act like a total asshole like the rest of the football team, but he’s most definitely on this… other level of cool. One I can probably never hope to reach.
And, number two, I have a feeling he’s straight too.
I mean, I’ve never seen him with a girlfriend before, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. I’ve never had a boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean I’m not into guys. I just haven’t found the right one yet (well, minus the examples I already mentioned).
Lily keeps telling me I’ve gotta ‘go for it’ and find out for sure, but I think the Hollywood air is starting to go to her head or something. She’s convinced life is like a fucking romantic comedy.
Because we all know how this would go if it was on the big screen right? We’d work our way up to the grand finale, and then, things could go one of two ways.
Option one, Landon and I fall madly in love with each other and live happily ever after (less likely, but possible). Or option two, I’d find out he’s either straight, not into me, or a total fucking jerk like the rest of the popular crowd (probably all of the above, if we’re going full-Hollywood here). BUT — because there’s always gotta be a happy ending — the big plot twist is that my real true love has been right in front of me all along, and me and Random Side Character #2 ride off into the sunset together. Evil-Landon gets hit by a bus or something. Roll credits.
Except, y’know, the only problem is, life ISN’T a movie. And it would take way too long for me to sit here and write a decimal small enough to represent the probability of one of those cheesy Hollywood endings actually happening.
Chances are, if I tried making a move on Landon, it would all blow up in my face one way or another. Why risk messing up a good thing?
Yes, Landon Littlehale is the hottest, most amazing guy to ever walk the planet, with an ass whose glory puts the fucking Taj Mahal to shame.
But there’s a reason archaeologists put those old monuments and artifacts behind glass and ropes and stuff, isn’t there? It’s safer for everybody if you just look and don’t touch, no matter how much you want to.
I’m okay standing on the tourist-side of the ropes for now. I don’t mind just sitting back, relaxing, and enjoying the sights.
Because let me tell you, it’s one hell of a view.