Do you ever just… Think about something WAY too much? Like, overanalyze a situation and start second-guessing yourself and freaking out until you don’t even know what to think anymore?
Yeah, me too. But this time I really, really wish I hadn’t.
It’s only been two days since that freaking fiasco at my parents’ house, but I don’t think either of us have stopped thinking about it ever since. How could we? It was… a lot. And that’s putting it lightly.
Xander and I just wanna try and make sense of this whole disaster… Which has been damn near impossible so far. None of this really makes any sense.
It didn’t really start hitting us til we’d both had a chance to calm down. But the more we calmed down, the less and less sense this whole thing started making.
Think about it: WHY would our parents lie about something like this? They’re super embarrassed and ashamed about that stupid affair they had. We get it. Who wouldn’t be? It was pretty fucking scummy of both of them. And obviously if me and Xander stay together, that makes things really awkward for both of them.
It’s pretty hard to imagine that lying about something as messed up as THIS would somehow be less awkward than what they’re trying to avoid. It doesn’t really make sense, does it? Telling your kids — who you know are sleeping together, by the way — that they’re siblings is just… fucked up. Like, really, REALLY fucked up. Who would lie about something like that?!
Plus, I can’t stop thinking about the way Papa yelled at Lola in front of us. That couldn’t have just been part of the ‘act’, could it? I mean, I’ve seen Papa improv dialogue and stuff plenty of times when we do D&D. But this was so different. It was so sad to see him like that. Especially when he started crying. And those didn’t seem like fake tears either.
I don’t think he was pretending.
I think he really, really believes he’s Xander’s father. It makes me feel kinda bad for freaking out on him the way I did. Not for cheating on Mama — he deserved that. I’m still so mad at him about it. And maybe part of me always will be.
But calling him a liar wasn’t right. I guess it was just a knee-jerk reaction or something. I knew what Lola was telling us couldn’t be true. And I let myself assume he was in on it too. But he wasn’t. And much as I hate to admit it, I owe him an apology.
And I think Lola owes all of us an explanation.
It’s still really hard for me and Xander to talk about it, but we’ve had to. And basically, we’ve narrowed it down to three possibilities. All of them suck, but trust me — some of them suck way worse than the others.
Okay, so option one… Lola was really lying. And even though this one is the easiest option, honestly it makes even less sense than Papa lying does. Who would willingly tell their kid that they spent their entire life lying to them? How is THAT less damaging than sucking it up and just letting me and Xander be together?
It’s not. Not by a longshot.
So then there’s option two… The one that still weirds me out way too much to even write. You know what I’m talking about, right?
But this one just… can’t be true. It can’t. There’s no way. We’d like, ‘know’ or whatever, wouldn’t we? Like in the movies and stuff, when people run into their long-lost relative. They look into each other’s eyes, the music gets all dramatic, everything goes into slow motion, and the characters can just tell.
And, okay… When I saw Xander in person for the first time, I kinda had that cheesy ‘butterflies-in-my-stomach’ and ‘time-standing-still’ thing going on. But I’d been secretly crushing on this guy since I was sixteen years old! Who wouldn’t feel like that when they finally got to meet him?
It had nothing to do with being related or anything! And once we got past those first few moments, everything was casual and fun and… normal. So none of it really meant anything, right?
Plus, Xander and I look totally different! Our skin, our hair, our eyes… they’re completely different colors! And our faces… They don’t look anything alike, do they?
We’ve spent way longer than I’d like to admit staring at each other in the mirror for the past two days. I think it’s starting to drive us a little crazy. Sometimes, we don’t see any resemblance at all. But the longer we look, the more paranoid we start getting. Our noses are kinda similar, maybe? Or the shape of our eyebrows?
Or maybe we’re just seeing things… Ugh! It’s impossible to tell!
Anyway, that brings us to option three.
Lola THINKS Papa was the one who got her pregnant, but she’s wrong.
Which honestly makes the most sense. I know that’s really, really hard for Xander to admit though. Her thinking she lied to him his whole life is just as bad as her actually lying. He told me he doesn’t think he can ever forgive her, if that’s really what happened. And how can I blame him for that? I can’t even imagine what he must be going through right now.
But it’s the only explanation. This whole thing is just some giant misunderstanding on her part.
Now we’ve just gotta prove it.
Xander’s still staying at my apartment with me. And he and I just had a long talk about it this morning. We figured out a way we can get an answer. On OUR terms, not our parents’.
So we decided we’re gonna do it. That way, we’ll know the truth once and for all. We’ll have proof.
But unfortunately, that whole thing led to a WAY more complicated discussion: What are we gonna do if it turns out his mom’s telling the truth? What if we’re really…
Ugh. I can’t even write it. I don’t even wanna think about it.
I love him! I waited way too long to finally say it, but I do. Believe it or not, going through all this weird shit together for the past week has just made me feel even closer to him. It made me that much more sure about how I feel.
He’s everything to me. The only guy I’ve ever met who I can see a future with.
But if we’re really… you know… then I really don’t know what’s gonna happen to us. How can we walk away from something so amazing because of something that’s not our fault? We love each other so much.
But… it’d be so weird if we stayed together, wouldn’t it? We’d never be able to tell anybody the truth. And we could never have kids either… Everything that feels so perfect right now would suddenly feel so WRONG. And I’m not sure we could really do it. Could we?
All I know is that Xander is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I can’t lose him. And I know he feels the same way I do too. “We’ll figure it out,” he keeps saying. “No matter what happens.”
All I can do right now is hope he’s right.
And hope that we’re right about Lola too.
Note: Just wanted to give everybody a heads-up that the next chapter will be coming out Tuesday instead of Wednesday this coming week, because I have an unusually busy Wednesday ahead of me, so Tuesday will be a lot easier for me to post and keep up with comments and stuff 🙂
Just wanted to let everybody know about the change! Chapter after it will be on Saturday as usual.