Note: A couple NSFW shots in this one
What a fucking mess.
It’s so bad… I don’t even know where to start. This past month has been absolute hell, but this is the first time I’ve tried writing in here about any of it.
And I know it’s not right to keep everything bottled up like this. I still remember back when I was a little kid all upset about Lila being born. I told Dev how I felt like a shaken-up can of soda about to explode. That was why he and Mama gave me a journal in the first place. So I’d have a way to get things out.
But this is the one time when I just COULDN’T. There was no way in hell I could be brave enough to open up about any of this. I was too embarrassed and guilty and confused… So I kept it all in.
I guess that’s another thing we can add to the list of shit I’ve done that would drive me crazy if I ever had a client act that way. Guess it’s a good thing I’ve never actually tried going to therapy myself… I’d be the worst client ever.
Ugh. How the hell did I let things get so out of hand? I mean, not that it’s JUST my fault, but a lot of it is. I messed up so, SO bad. Worse than I think I ever have in my entire life.
But how can something so messed up feel so… right?
I mean, Lola’s just… Well, honestly she’s basically everything I used to love about Gigi. And more. She’s strong and confident. She’s sweet and funny. And she’s so beautiful.
She understands me. She makes me happy. And I could feel myself falling for her for a while… I just didn’t wanna see it.
But then, a few weeks ago… I was weak. I gave in.
And as amazing as it was, it scared the absolute shit out of me. I knew how fucked up it was. And I tried so, so hard to keep my distance from Lola after that. But I just couldn’t.
And that was when things really started getting bad. What I was doing… it wasn’t fair. To Gigi OR Lola. And Lola started calling me out on it too. She hated what we were doing. She told me all the time that it felt ‘wrong’ and made her feel ‘dirty’…
But I guess she couldn’t help herself either. No matter what, we were just drawn to each other. We couldn’t stay away, no matter how much we wanted to.
Like I said, it was such a fucking mess.
And I knew I’d have to make a choice eventually. There was no way I could keep things going like that. But do you have any idea how fucking terrifying it is to make a decision like that?
I know it SHOULD have been easy. Things with Gigi took a total freaking nosedive ever since we came to the US. Everything went to shit between us. And there are days where I wonder whether I even really love her anymore, y’know? Fuck. I hate writing that. But it’s true.
And Lola… I can feel myself falling more and more for her every time we’re together. And as wrong as it is, I just can’t bring myself to let her go. I can’t.
But Gigi is my WIFE. She’s the first person I ever had sex with. The first person I ever loved. The one who was by my side through all the ups and downs while I was getting my degree. The one who helped me through when my Opa died and everything felt like it was falling apart. We’ve been through so much together. And somehow, despite everything, she still means so much to me.
How the hell am I supposed to just let her go either?
It was killing me. Eating away at me. I had no idea how the hell I was going to decide.
Then last week, totally out of the blue, Gigi tells me she wants to talk to me. Can you believe that? After months and months of pushing me away and blowing me off, she finally decides she’s ready to talk?!
I couldn’t help it… I was so mad. Part of me really wanted to blame her for everything. It felt like if she’d just talked to me sooner, maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe we could have worked things out. Maybe Lola and I never would have gotten together like this. Maybe we could have saved things.
But I think that was when it kinda hit me… There might not even BE a way to save things now. I’d tried for so long, and I ended up so damn drained. I couldn’t do it anymore. It all just felt too late.
Especially when she told me SHE cheated too.
How the hell did I miss the signs? How could I be so damn blind? I know it makes me such a hypocrite, but it really killed me to hear it.
Things were beyond fucked at that point. And I seriously thought it was gonna be the end for us. Hell, maybe part of me almost wanted it to be.
But then she had to drop another goddamn bombshell on me and make everything even worse.
She’s fucking pregnant.
We bought three different tests, just to be sure. And every single one said the same thing.
And the worst part is, we don’t even know for sure if it’s mine.
Gigi’s far enough along that they can test the baby’s DNA from her blood… So that’s what we’re gonna do. We both went in this morning and gave a sample.
In two weeks, they’ll send us the results. We’ll know the baby’s gender. We’ll know if it has any genetic disorders. And we’ll know if I’m the father.
Fuck. What the fuck am I gonna do?!
I haven’t told anybody about this yet. Not Tam or Jasper or my parents…
God, that fucking killed me.
She hasn’t really talked to me since then. She just kept telling me she “needs time”.
And I can’t exactly blame her either. I was already hurting her so much by staying with Gigi. And now… This is just too much. It changes everything. And it’s not fair.
Everything’s riding on that stupid DNA test. Gigi seems pretty adamant about keeping the baby either way. But if it’s not mine… Well, I could still walk away. We could get a divorce. I could be with Lola.
It wouldn’t be easy, but I could do it. And I might. I still don’t know yet, honestly. But at least I’d have time to think about it.
But if it IS mine… Well, that’s what I’m afraid of.
Because if that baby’s mine, I know exactly what I’ll have to do. There won’t be any decision to make.
Because I won’t have a choice.