7.54: Two Weeks

Note: A couple NSFW shots in this one

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What a fucking mess.

It’s so bad… I don’t even know where to start. This past month has been absolute hell, but this is the first time I’ve tried writing in here about any of it.

And I know it’s not right to keep everything bottled up like this. I still remember back when I was a little kid all upset about Lila being born. I told Dev how I felt like a shaken-up can of soda about to explode. That was why he and Mama gave me a journal in the first place. So I’d have a way to get things out.

But this is the one time when I just COULDN’T. There was no way in hell I could be brave enough to open up about any of this. I was too embarrassed and guilty and confused… So I kept it all in.

I guess that’s another thing we can add to the list of shit I’ve done that would drive me crazy if I ever had a client act that way. Guess it’s a good thing I’ve never actually tried going to therapy myself… I’d be the worst client ever.

Ugh. How the hell did I let things get so out of hand? I mean, not that it’s JUST my fault, but a lot of it is. I messed up so, SO bad. Worse than I think I ever have in my entire life.

But how can something so messed up feel so… right?

I mean, Lola’s just… Well, honestly she’s basically everything I used to love about Gigi. And more. She’s strong and confident. She’s sweet and funny. And she’s so beautiful.

She understands me. She makes me happy. And I could feel myself falling for her for a while… I just didn’t wanna see it.

But then, a few weeks ago… I was weak. I gave in.

And as amazing as it was, it scared the absolute shit out of me. I knew how fucked up it was. And I tried so, so hard to keep my distance from Lola after that. But I just couldn’t.

And  that was when things really started getting bad. What I was doing… it wasn’t fair. To Gigi OR Lola. And Lola started calling me out on it too. She hated what we were doing. She told me all the time that it felt ‘wrong’ and made her feel ‘dirty’…

But I guess she couldn’t help herself either. No matter what, we were just drawn to each other. We couldn’t stay away, no matter how much we wanted to.

Like I said, it was such a fucking mess.

And I knew I’d have to make a choice eventually. There was no way I could keep things going like that. But do you have any idea how fucking terrifying it is to make a decision like that?

I know it SHOULD have been easy. Things with Gigi took a total freaking nosedive ever since we came to the US. Everything went to shit between us. And there are days where I wonder whether I even really love her anymore, y’know? Fuck. I hate writing that. But it’s true.

And Lola… I can feel myself falling more and more for her every time we’re together. And as wrong as it is, I just can’t bring myself to let her go. I can’t.

But Gigi is my WIFE. She’s the first person I ever had sex with. The first person I ever loved. The one who was by my side through all the ups and downs while I was getting my degree. The one who helped me through when my Opa died and everything felt like it was falling apart. We’ve been through so much together. And somehow, despite everything, she still means so much to me.

How the hell am I supposed to just let her go either?

It was killing me. Eating away at me. I had no idea how the hell I was going to decide.

Then last week, totally out of the blue, Gigi tells me she wants to talk to me. Can you believe that? After months and months of pushing me away and blowing me off, she finally decides she’s ready to talk?!

I couldn’t help it… I was so mad. Part of me really wanted to blame her for everything. It felt like if she’d just talked to me sooner, maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe we could have worked things out. Maybe Lola and I never would have gotten together like this. Maybe we could have saved things.

But I think that was when it kinda hit me… There might not even BE a way to save things now. I’d tried for so long, and I ended up so damn drained. I couldn’t do it anymore. It all just felt too late.

Especially when she told me SHE cheated too.

How the hell did I miss the signs? How could I be so damn blind? I know it makes me such a hypocrite, but it really killed me to hear it.

Things were beyond fucked at that point. And I seriously thought it was gonna be the end for us. Hell, maybe part of me almost wanted it to be.

But then she had to drop another goddamn bombshell on me and make everything even worse.

She’s fucking pregnant.

We bought three different tests, just to be sure. And every single one said the same thing.

And the worst part is, we don’t even know for sure if it’s mine.

Gigi’s far enough along that they can test the baby’s DNA from her blood… So that’s what we’re gonna do. We both went in this morning and gave a sample.

In two weeks, they’ll send us the results. We’ll know the baby’s gender. We’ll know if it has any genetic disorders. And we’ll know if I’m the father.

Fuck. What the fuck am I gonna do?!

I haven’t told anybody about this yet. Not Tam or Jasper or my parents…

Just Lola.

God, that fucking killed me.

She hasn’t really talked to me since then. She just kept telling me she “needs time”.

And I can’t exactly blame her either. I was already hurting her so much by staying with Gigi. And now… This is just too much. It changes everything. And it’s not fair.

Everything’s riding on that stupid DNA test. Gigi seems pretty adamant about keeping the baby either way. But if it’s not mine… Well, I could still walk away. We could get a divorce. I could be with Lola.

It wouldn’t be easy, but I could do it. And I might. I still don’t know yet, honestly. But at least I’d have time to think about it.

But if it IS mine… Well, that’s what I’m afraid of.

Because if that baby’s mine, I know exactly what I’ll have to do. There won’t be any decision to make.

Because I won’t have a choice.

49 thoughts on “7.54: Two Weeks

  1. He’s going to stay if it’s his. But he shouldn’t. But his last name is Rosebrook. That’s becoming more and more evident! Poor guy. If he stays they are going to need major counseling. If he thinks being married and moving away is hard, wait until you add a kid to that mix! Ugh…..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeahhh if the baby ends up being his, that’s just one more thing dumped on their already very stressful and fucked up relationship 😬 So let’s hope it isn’t!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Suppose the baby is his and he decides to stay with Gigi. Lola gets pregnant by him and leaves town without telling him she is pregnant. Who would he chose if they both were pregnant with his child? Staying in a relationship because you going to have a child is wrong, not only are you hurting each other you are also hurting the child. Children see a lot more than parents think. They know when something is not quite right. Phoenix’s needs to ask himself what he would tell a patient if they were going through the same thing.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. This is a really great point… staying for the baby is staying for the wrong reasons 😦 And if they were BOTH pregnant… man, that’s hard. I think Phee’s Head might explode with panic and indecision haha

      Hopefully he will figure out what is truly best, once he knows whether the child is his

      Like

    1. I know, he isn’t thinking this through the way he should be 😦 But he still has time to change his mind… and there’s still the hope that the baby isn’t his! We shall see…

      Liked by 1 person

  3. My heart hurts. I was too sad to leave a comment earlier but here I am to try my best. I think Lola ha a good head on her shoulders she just messed up. She is absolutely right to take a break from Phee and his drama. Phee and Gigi need to work things out and need to move on with their lives whether it’s together or apart. And I’ve saying this whole time: his childhood and keeping things started when he was younger. It was to make other people “happy” or what he perceived to be. I think for once Phee needs to make himself happy with what he wants. He may not feel like he can let either of them go but he really should ask who does he want to hang on to. If the baby is his, he does have a choice to stay or go. It’s his life. Imagine if Harper and Erik stayed together out of obligation, then we wouldn’t have Phee’s awesome siblings but also they would have been miserable. There is nothing wrong in knowing when to call something quits. But you have to realize when something is over and when you are just giving up. It’s not just Gigi’s or Phee’s life anymore there is another human being in the mix now. And because of their lack of communication they are in this mess. This is too much.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I know 😭 This is a lot. Part of why I made sure Phee’s gen started so light and happy… to help balance all of this.

      You’re so right that Phoenix is always worried about others’ happiness. And that’s pretty much what he’s doing right now too. :-/ he really needs to take a step back before deciding anything right now. But a lot of it will depend on whether or not the baby is his… which we will find out soon…

      Sorry for all the heartache 😭

      Like

  4. Hey Citizen,
    I am sorry I stayed off for so long. It was a bit difficult for me, because I had a really difficult talk ahead… (that in the end didn’t even happen), and those troublemakers had a talent for poking me with that topic.

    Well, shit really hit the fan here. I don’t even know what I want to say to those two, but I really don’t have a lot of understanding for them. They are both awful, and “it makes them even” makes it neither better nor ready for a new start. They broke more than the being faithful promise. They also promised to be there for each other. I do appreciate that Gigi was at least being honest, but it is far to late for that. And Phoenix is showing his weakest teenage side again, willing to lie and cheat just to find some love. They both behave so not grown up. And they really are, even though they are adults they just haven’t grown in that responsibility yet.
    But I really hope this is Phoenix’ baby. Just because he is so willing to blame Gigi. She did a lot of things wrong, but he is still being awfully unfair by thinking that her silence and pretending has made him cheat (at least a part of him does). It was his own free will, he cheated on her instead of doing something else, and be it blowing up on her. He clings to a worldview where he may admit some wrongs, but is still entitled to walk away from this mess, leave Gigi alone with the baby and be happy with Lola. He hurt Lola too, but still he acts like walking away from Gigi will bring him the happy life with Lola he dreams of? No chance.

    I feel like Phoenix might be willing to care for his kid, but not willing to really put up with his own mistakes. The damage is done, he knows how he wants to continue, either at the side of his kid or at Lolas. Leaving the past behind him as good as he can. On that road he is just so likely to go cheating again the next time his life feels shitty because he hasn’t really learned from it, isn’t really willing to change. He says he has some insight now, but the way he acts about it just tells me that isn’t enough.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s okay, glad to have you back ❤️❤️

      And your perspective makes total sense. They both have done something really awful here, and there’s immaturity on both sides 😦 And Phee definitely has some unrealistic dreams for where things might go from here. But it’s not that simple.

      Hopefully Phee WILL learn a lesson from all this. But you’re right that right now it doesn’t seem like it’s been enough. But we’ll see…

      Like

  5. You know what always saves a strained and failing marriage? Staying for the baby. There are no stressers at all involved with having a child.

    I don’t know what I’d rather at this point. Having the baby be his seems like a form of punishment for these two, and a different baby daddy might let them off a little too free. I’ll be interested to see how it shakes out.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Right? That is 100% the solution here. Phoenix is totally right 😉 (His Rosebrook-ness is out in full force here at the end of the gen as you can see 😬)

      There’s only about 10 chapters left, so it won’t be long before we see what happens from here. Thank you so much for reading (and putting up with the rollercoaster this gen has become…)

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Poor Phoenix 😦 I honestly hope the kiddo’s his, so that both him and Gigi can (hopefully) get themselves together. Who knows, maybe Phoenix wouldn’t be as happy with Lola if they got married as well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s a good point — how can Phoenix even be sure he’d be happy with Lola in the long run! We will know soon whether the baby is his, and what his plan will be moving forward. There could still be hope for him and Gigi, but we shall see!

      Thanks so much for reading, hammy! ❤️ Always nice to see you around here ^_^

      Like

    1. Hahaha I respect your bias 😛 And hey, it’s possible! The gen’s not over yet, and we still dont’ have answers about Gigi’s baby so… anything can happen! 😉

      Thank you for reading ❤

      Like

  7. Maybe instead of having been married to go overseas they should have at least tried a long-term (2 years?) engagement with Gigi living in the house Phoniex is renting?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Lol I thought they were both better than that especially phee I’m highly disappointed and if he loved her as much as he says he would have been the better person and said no I’m married same for gigi lol

        Liked by 1 person

  8. Lola, leave Phoenix. (I’m glad you’re saying you need time – you do) – he’s not in a place where he can make you happy. He’s not in a place where he can make him happy.

    Love how hard this is, there’s really no way for everyone to win – not in the short run, and possibly not in the long run.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Its true! There’s literally no possible happy ending for anyone. It’s all gonna hurt no matter what. For someone. Or all of them! (And good advice for Lola too haha)

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Dude. Never stay for a baby if you’re unhappy. That’s how the relationship gets worse. You’re basically forcing yourself together for the sake of the kid (and then things happen…like with Lola). Admit things are bad and if it turns out to be yours then get a divorce. Better to do it before the kid is old enough to understand because if you wait then it will affect the kid too.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. (It’s weird being caught up after so long.) I worry for him and the baby. Because not only will he suffer but Gigi and his daughter will suffer too in the long run. Divorce is messy and something that will likely happening later on if he tries to ignore how this relationship isn’t working… (And I’m totally not qualified to give relationship advice. haha)

        Liked by 1 person

  10. ”Because I won’t have a choice” yeah, keep telling yourself that…I mean, if the baby isn’t your’s, then, screw Gigi! Let her be a single mom! But, if he is, he’s going to pretend they are a happy family? That is not going to last, nor is healthy.( Also makes me question how much he actually cares about Gigi…)

    Going back to the topic at hand…Phoenix, you do have choice! Share the custody of the kid, or whatever! It would be worse for the kid to live in a house without love.

    This is just one plot twist from becoming a telenovela. ( if LOL-a is also pregnant, I swear…)

    Like

  11. SO MESSY! Big big big lack of communication mess as we’ve all grown to know and love. This gen seems short so I might be able to finish today before I have things I need to do.

    Liked by 1 person

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