Tam and Jasper finally went back to Windenburg this morning… Together.
And as much as it sucked to have to say goodbye, I’m glad I was able to help them while they were here. It was awesome to see them both leaving so happy. And honestly, I know it’s gonna take some more work, but I really think they’re gonna be okay.
I’d had such a good feeling that they’d manage to work things out… And when Tam got back so late from the hotel the other night, I totally knew I was right. Why else would he have come back so late?
Of course, once I brought Jasper back to our house, he and Tam just told me they’d spent the night “practicing for Tam’s next DJ gig”… Cute, right? There’s so much shit they still won’t let me live down from back when I was a kid. But at least we can laugh about it now.
Anyway, now that they’re gone… I dunno. It just feels really lonely already.
And it doesn’t help that they decided to leave things on basically the most awkward note imaginable.
Last night, Tam asked me to go for a walk with him and Jasper after dinner. And it was their last night here, so of course I said yes. I won’t see them again for another three months.
It started out fine… We were laughing and joking about a bunch of stupid crap and just kinda enjoying the last couple hours we had together.
But then out of nowhere, it turned into… well, I guess it felt like one of those “interventions” on those awful reality shows my Mama used to watch when I was little.
I knew I shouldn’t have been surprised. Especially after the talk I had with Jasper the other day. They’re worried about me, they said. Me and Lola.
And I guess they’re getting the vibe that Gigi might be worried too.
It was a lot easier to try and brush everything off when it was just Jasper and me at the hotel. But with Tam there too… Shit, I dunno. They got me thinking about a lot of things… Things I’d been trying so hard not to think about. Things I never even wrote down in here before. Because it was easier to try and pretend everything was gonna be okay.
Anyway, the point is, I get what they’re saying. As much as I hate to admit it, I really do. Maybe even more than they realized.
But what do they expect me to do? It’s not like I can just stop hanging out with Lola. She’s honestly one of the only things still keeping me going through all this crap with Gigi. She’s the one person who can make me feel okay again…
God, that’s awful, isn’t it? GIGI should be the one who makes me feel that way… But she’s not.
She used to be. I can still remember when she could make me feel happier than anyone else in the entire world ever could.
But she hasn’t for a long time.
And to be totally honest, that scares the hell out of me.
Maybe that’s why I kept trying to convince myself that things weren’t so bad. Or that they’d get better. Because the alternative is just too fucking terrifying to even think of.
And Lola… Lately, shes been terrifying me too.
Jasper could tell something was up when I got to the hotel the other morning. My brother’s one of the smartest people I know… Of course he noticed. But he never found out what it was. I never told him what happened.
Not that anything DID happen. It didn’t. But…
I think I wanted it to. Or part of me did, anyway. Maybe. I think.
I don’t know. There was just something about the way she smiled. She was so beautiful. Well, she’s always beautiful. But I guess I just noticed it more than I have before. And the way she was talking to me… I could have just listened to her voice forever.
I guess I got kinda wrapped up in it all. Then I realized how late I was to go pick up Jasper, so I paid for my coffee and said goodbye… and when she gave me that hug, I really didn’t wanna let go.
I have no idea what came over me. But she just smelled so good and felt so soft… and I really, really wanted to kiss her. As Tam would probably put it, I basically had to pass a DC 25 Will Save not to. And I just barely made it.
See what I mean? Fucking terrifying, right?
So I know why Jasper and Tam are so worried. I totally get it. I’m worried too. But I need Lola right now. Especially with Tam and Jasper back in Germany. I don’t have anybody else to get me through this. Not really.
Not that Niko and Addy aren’t great. They’re so fun to hang out with, and so nice too. But it’s like I said before — They just don’t GET it. Not the way Lola does.
And as easy as it is for everybody to keep telling me I’ve gotta talk to Gigi, I’ve tried. Way more times than anybody else probably would have. Any sane person would’ve given up a long time ago.
That’s what they always say the definition of insanity is, right? Doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result. That’s what I’ve been doing with Gigi for months. And it’s gotten me nowhere.
So what the hell else is there left for me to do?
I don’t wanna give up on Gigi. I swear, I WANT to keep fighting for her. She’s my wife. And I love her…
Or at least, I think I still do.
Fuck. I can’t believe I just wrote that. I don’t mean it like that. I DO love her.
But I just don’t know what else I can do. Things aren’t the same anymore, and I have no fucking clue how to make it right again. I’d even be willing to go to therapy, if she’d let us. But she just keeps brushing me off and shutting me out no matter what I do.
I know she’s not happy with me anymore. No matter how many excuses she keeps throwing at me, I know that’s total bullshit. I didn’t wanna see it before… But she hasn’t been happy for a long time.
And honestly? Neither have I.
I mean, I’ve been happy with my friends, sure. Or with Lola…
But not with my wife.
But what does that mean for us? What are we supposed to do now? How do we fix this? How can we go back to the way things used to be?
Or is it just too late for us now?
That’s a question that terrifies me too.