6.69: Bittersweet

My little boy turned a year old last Monday. Can you believe it? One whole year filled with so many milestones I never got to see. His first teeth. His first steps. His first words… And I wasn’t there for any of them.

And okay, I get that it’s probably selfish to whine and say it isn’t fair. I’ve learned a lot about selfishness this past year, that’s for damn sure.

But you know what? It may be selfish, but I just can’t help feeling that way. It fucking kills me every single day that I’m away from him. Even after all this time, it really hasn’t gotten any easier. And not being able to be there for his birthday just… really, really hurt.

It felt so pathetic that I couldn’t even buy him a present. What kind of mother can’t even get her own child a birthday gift? (But then… What kind of mother gets her ass thrown in jail either?). I know mom and Papa put my name on some of the toys they got him. They promised me they would. But I still wanted to give him something.

So I decided to give him the little yellow car my Oma got for me when I was a baby. It’s just a stupid little hunk of wood, but it was my favorite toy when I was little. I can’t even tell you how many times I forced mom and Papa to crawl around on the floor with me to play with that stupid thing. I went on so many adventures with it.

It’s the one toy from my childhood that I’ve really held on to for all these years. I’m not even sure I can explain why. I just… I couldn’t ever seem to let it go before. But giving it to Phoenix doesn’t feel like letting go. Just passing it on, I guess. Hoping my little boy will have some adventures of his own with it.

I got so choked up watching him play with that stupid little car. It was… bittersweet, I guess. Something about that moment just got to me, y’know?

Phoenix was babbling away, my parents were laughing, and I was eating a slice of birthday cake they’d brought for me. Papa always makes the most amazing cakes you could imagine. And as dumb as it sounds, eating it just made me even more emotional.

Everything about that moment just felt so safe and warm and happy. For a second, it almost felt like I was home.

But I wasn’t. And I still won’t be for a long time.

Next month, it’ll be a whole year that I’ve been in here. And I still have another year to go.

I know I’ve learned a hell of a lot this past year. Sometimes in the worst friggin’ way imaginable. And I’d like to think I’m less shitty now than I used to be. That I’ve grown and changed and all that sappy shit. I mean, I feel like I did, anyway. I think I’m a different person now than I was when I first got in here. Maybe even a better one. Which is really nice and all… But I just wanna go home.

I mean, I’ll keep trying to do better. I’ll work on getting my shit together. I’ll find a job. I’ll keep working on things with Papa. I’ll stop thinking about myself all the time. I’ll be the best mother to Phoenix I can be.

But I’m just so ready to get out of here.

Too bad that’s not something I have any control over. Whether I like it or not, I’m stuck here for another twelve months.

But at least I have some amazing people in here helping to keep me sane (well… mostly sane, anyway).

Katie’s still an incredible friend. She’s been there for me since the beginning. And she still is, even now. I never would have dreamed that Katie Freaking Fletcher, of all people, would end up being one of my best friends. But… here we are.

And Ivy… What can I say? She’s got one of the biggest hearts of anyone I’ve ever met. I can’t even imagine what my life would be like if I’d never met her. And she’s definitely been helping to keep me sane, just like Katie has.

But she really seems to love driving me insane too.

I’d be a liar if I said I couldn’t feel it. There’s… something between us. I don’t know if I can really explain what that ‘something’ is, but it’s pretty fucking terrifying. And every time she tries getting closer to me, I just panic.

I don’t even know if I can put it all into words, exactly…  And it’s not like this is something I can talk about with Dr. Savage. Or anybody, really. Part of me almost wanted to try talking to Rylie or Devin about it… But they don’t know Ivy. I don’t think they’d understand. And I’ve even thought about trying to say something to Katie. But I just end up chickening out every time.

I mean, Jesus. If I can’t even talk about it, how the hell am I ever supposed to…?

Anyway, the bottom line is, I just can’t do it. I can’t be with Ivy.

And… I guess part of it has to do with Erik. Which doesn’t make any friggin’ sense. I mean, things have been over between us for a long time. Over a year now, if you can believe it. And it’s not like I want to get back together with him. I’m too mad at him. And I know he’s still mad at me too. It’s too late for us now.

And yet it’s like there’s this part of me that just… Doesn’t know how to move on.

Isn’t that the stupidest fucking thing you’ve ever heard? UGH. I don’t know what’s wrong with me! I hate feeling this way.

And that stupid phone call I got today just made everything worse.

It was like hearing from a ghost or something. Not literally, obviously. But for how shaken up I felt afterwards, it might as well have been.

I hadn’t heard from him at all since Oma’s funeral… That was almost eight months ago. And now suddenly he’s calling me and saying he wants to come see me here?! To “talk about something“?! What the hell is that supposed to mean?!

I tried asking him, but he wouldn’t go into more detail. Not on the phone, he kept saying. He was adamant about seeing me in person.

Papa had said something to me last week about “some things Erik might wanna talk to me about“… But I guess I didn’t pay too much attention to it. I was too busy focusing on Phoenix and trying to enjoy the visit. I wasn’t really thinking too deeply about what Papa could have meant, y’know? And I definitely wasn’t thinking he meant I was gonna be getting a phone call like that. It just totally blindsided me.

And now I just can’t stop wondering what the hell he could want. It’s been so long… What could there possibly be for us to talk about? What does he want from me? To argue again like we always do? Pour salt in my wounds? Ugh!

I guess I’ll find out on Saturday. That’s when he said he’s coming to see me. And I already know I’ll be freaking the fuck out until then.

Katie says I shouldn’t assume anything til I actually see him. “Is it seriously worth stressing yourself out over?” She kept asking me. But it’s not like I can really help it. Hearing his voice again was hard enough. But actually seeing him? Not to mention not having any freaking clue what he wants to talk to me about… Ugh!

Whatever it is, I already know this is going to totally, completely, and utterly SUCK.

I just hope I can be strong enough to get through it.

38 thoughts on “6.69: Bittersweet

  1. Yes, we know what it is….maybe his visit will help her move onto Ivy! It was so sad seeing her with her parents and playing with the yellow car…so sweet and heartbreaking too. Every chapter Harper grows just a little more.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Dark WitcHazard: Okay Erik since I have to see you again in the next chapter I hope you’re smart and avoid these topics!
    1. You’re getting married probably too soon but you and blondie seem serious.

    2. You want Harper’s permission for your new girl to meet your son! Honestly don’t do this one cause he’s only one and I think you’re a horrible bastard who might try to make a makeshift family cause of that fantasy that I still stuck in your head. Maybe change a major role in your production of family!

    3. That blonde for all things considered better not be pregnant! You may not be together but it will still hurt like virgin anal sex!

    Nooboos WitcHazard: Although Pheonix having a sibling wouldn’t be terrible infact I think that was Hozay’s problem in the first place not adopting after they had Harper so manny Nooboos who needed homes shame Hozay shame!

    Dark WitcHazard: Yeah okay where was I oh!

    4. No BS about how you’re doing better and you hope it inspires you to do better to I hate people like this is makes me nueaous!

    5. You better not above all else say that the court allowed you to get partial custody and you’re going to be keeping Pheonix on the weekends aka letting him meet you’re bimbo in a more safe for you environment!

    Just breakup officially and move on don’t linger don’t try to make her feel better just apologize that your sorry ass couldn’t get his shit together and it wasn’t 100% responsible for why you got here but it didn’t give you the help you needed to get to a better place anywhere in your life like most relationships are suppose too! Then say something like I hope you find the person who makes your life better not adds to the already growing pile of shit which their problems and he wishes for her the best and hopes they can be great co parents to their son!

    Lover WitcHazard: Yep anything but giving her closure is a big Nono!

    Shipper WitcHazard: I’m with lover and dark somewhat do the right thing for both of you to move on!

    Emotional WitcHazard: They needed this talk for so long I hope it’s the right one!

    Anti Shipper: $100 bucks says he does two of those things Dark discussed!

    Dark WitcHazard: You’re on but which two!😈

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Haha interesting theories from Dark! Can’t comment much on them of course. Though I will say that if Erik is truly serious about Rubi, she’s probably gonna have to meet him eventually? 🤷‍♀️ Not sure if it’d be for the reasons Dark suggested though haha Contrary to popular belief, Erik isn’t a monster, I promise 😉 😛

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts 🙂 we will see on Wednesday whether Anti wins the bet.

      Like

  3. If he’s gonna ask about custody I will fling his little Erik body into the sun. Just because he didn’t even want Phoenix to begin with, and I don’t care if he changed his mind he can go away XD

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Haha can’t say whether or not custody is gonna come up, but unfortunately Erik is not going anywhere 😛 He loves Phoenix and won’t abandon him.

      Like

  4. Dark WitcHazard: Let it be noted that I acknowledge that Harper wasn’t the perfect partner for Erik either but give her a break Dru cause you’re not in prison missing out on the first 2 years of your sons life take the high road and let the blame fall mostly on you until she’s out then have this conversation again with a little more truth, a lot more screaming, hurtful words, and tears!😈

    Liked by 3 people

  5. PLS SECURE THAT 1-YEAR-OLD BB IN THE CHAIR OMG. I about had a heart attack and I’m not even a mom. ROFL. Well, I was dropped on my head as a baby (and a parking lot, and thrown into a ceiling fan) and I turned out just fine…!

    So we find out why Harper is putting up barriers…to an extent, since not even she seems to completely understand why. Erik belongs in her past, not her future. Time to make room for other people.

    Whatever Erik wants to talk to her about, I doubt she’ll like it.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. LOL no high chairs at the prison, sorry. I promise you he was fine and did not fall 😉

      You’re probably right that Harper won’t like whatever Erik wants to say… but we’ll find out Wednesday!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. LOL I like your answer for Harper 😂 You’re so right about the ambiguity. I think that’s part of what makes it so hard for her 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Well, I know I’m going to hate the next chapter. Although I liked last chapter with Rubrik, I’m not ready to accept the fact that Erik gets off easy while Harper has to pay for his sins in jail. If he hadn’t been such an addict, she wouldnt be there. End of story.

    And he’s living this breezy life, too! It’s a slap in the face! I hope Harper screams at him. Ohhh…maybe I will like Wednesday’s chapter after all! 😈😈😈😏

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hahaha yeah, the next chapter is the one I’d mentioned that I think you (and others) will hate 😂

      I’m gonna try to be strong! Lol 😛

      Like

  8. That part about the yelllow car made me feel more sympathy towards Harper than I’ve felt in a long time. Good job for being selfless, momma Harper ❤

    As for Erik, I think he just wants to tell her that things are serious between him and Ruby. He just got a tiny apartment, I kind of doubt they're moving in together already, although that could be possible.

    I don't think Erik would ever try to get full custody of Phoenix though, unless Harper would be a major threat. He knows what it's like to grow up in a broken household, he would never intentionally do that to his kid.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww I’m glad you liked the yellow car part! And as for Erik, well, I can’t say much haha but I will say that I think you’re right that he wouldn’t try for full custody. Though you never know….

      Like

  9. I feel a lot of sympathy for Harper. It sucks that her baby boy is going to have so many experiences without her. Hopefully Phoenix won’t have too many early memories until she gets out.
    But I also feel anger towards Harper for denying me my PoisonIvy. They BELONG together. Never have I felt more strongly about a ship.
    At first, I thought he was going to tell her about Rubi. But it could be something related to Phoenix like custody issues. He has gotten his life together so it wouldn’t be unreasonable for him to try this.
    Well, I noticed a lack of Tomato in this chapter. Today was also the one year anniversary of my family adopting our dog, Lexi.
    Awesome chapter!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha I’m glad you’re so passionate about your ship! And sorry that Harper is trying to sabotage it… 😦

      We will find out Wednesday what Erik wants to talk about 🙂 And yay for Lexi ^_^

      Like

  10. This either going to blow up or be a wake up call for Harper. I can get why she’s still hung up on Erik, especially if she has this idea of how her family should be. I can’t help but feel that Harper had her formative romantic years revolving around a single person and going to extremes to keep them together. It’ll be interesting to see how their talk goes.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Harper, you are growing up ❤ It is only natural she would still have feelings for Erik .. she truly loved him and we cannot just turn off love like a faucet. BUT I fear Erik wants custody .. uh NO!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha I don’t think custody would ever want full custody of Phoenix. He doesn’t wanna take him away from Harper or her parents! 🙂

      And yes, Harper is certainly growing up, slowly but surely!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. LOL Got too excited and sent my comment. 😀
      *ahem*
      Let’s be real here. Erik isn’t in prison, right? He’s got a stable job, he’s back on his feet, he’s not into drugs AND he is in a nice, stable relationship. If he wants to get partial custody of Phoenix, it’s legit his RIGHT. I don’t know that he’d ask for full custody…maybe until Harper is out of prison? Like I imagine that Erik is used to visiting with Hope and Zayne and I don’t think he’s the guy who will take away their grandson. He only gets supervised visits, right? So maybe he wants weekends or something. He’s bettering everything about himself, he should be able to get Phoenix on the weekends. It could be something as simple as informing Harper about Rubi. Rubi will need to meet Phoenix if it hasn’t happened all ready. If he marries her, then she will be Phoenix’s step-mom.
      I fully support Erik having partial custody AND introducing Phoenix to Rubi. All of it. Now, if you’re about to give Erik 100% custody and take Phoenix away from Hope and Zayne forever, then you’ll have to fight me. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Nicole! And I don’t think you have to worry about Erik going for full custody… he doesn’t wanna take Phoenix away from Harper or her parents ^_^

        Liked by 1 person

  12. I bet she regrets her decisions now more than ever before. Will she be able to attend his second birthday?

    I wonder if he will actually be able to remember this when he is older. That Harper was in prison.

    Btw this chapter is not under the list of chapters yet. Is that an error? or is it intentional? 🙂

    Like

    1. (Also, I don’t know if you got busy and had to stop or were going by my chapter index, but my index is two chapters behind! Gotta update it haha) Thanks for reading ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. So, I’ve started to bookmark the chapter where I last was, and then load it up and hit “next” from there.

        I stopped because I like binge reading, and this was quite a binge read. I noticed it’s nice to binge read every now and again. :3

        Liked by 1 person

  13. I feel like Erick is going to introduce Harper to Rubi and I reallly don’t think Harper will be please about knowing how her ex is free out of drugs with a new woman, while she had to endure the times that he was on drugs ( kinda of like ”ohhh you got the best part of it”) and and and he was able to get into a relationship ( AKA move on from Harper) and she hasn’t. ( How am I able to think all that from a chapter I haven’t read? I don’t even know…)

    Liked by 1 person

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