6.66: Bad Person

Okay, I never thought I’d say this… But apologizing to my Papa ended up being so much easier than I thought it’d be. It actually felt really good to get a lot of that shit off my chest.

I think Papa feels the same. He’s unloaded a lot on me too lately…. And some of it’s been kinda hard to hear. I guess the ‘forgiving’ part is easier said than done. But I’m working on it.

All I can think of now is how I wish I’d done this a hell of a lot sooner. I wonder how different things might have been if I did… And not just for me and Papa. What about me and mom? Or Rylie and Devin? Or Oma? What if I’d tried talking to all of them sooner than I did? Would things have still ended up this way?

I guess it’s something I’ll never really know for sure.

But here’s what I do know — That I’ll spend the rest of my life wishing I had the chance to apologize to my Oma. And that I might spend just as long wishing I had the courage to do the same to Erik.

He’s the one person it’s hardest to try facing again. Even harder than Papa (and that was definitely no friggin’ picnic). But things with Erik just feel… different.

I think he might be just as scared about it as I am. I haven’t reached out to him at all since Oma’s funeral. But then, neither has he. And I’m guessing it’s for the exact same reason.

I talked about it a little with Dr. S last week. I think it’s just too painful for both of us. Too many hurt feelings and stuff. There’s a lot of baggage there. And it’s not something either of us really wants to revisit, I don’t think.

I mean, Papa and I still have a lot of shit we’ve gotta work out. But we’re getting there, at least. Slowly but surely. He’s even come here a couple times for some special sessions with Dr. S. Mom too. 

And it’s helped all of us for sure, but it’s still really uncomfortable. It means having to go back and think about a lot of shit I haven’t thought about in a long time. It reopens some old wounds, y’know?

And it’s kinda made me have to face a lot of awful shit about myself too. Stuff I never really wanted to think about before… I’m just not sure if it’s something I could handle going through with Erik.

I try not to think about him too much, if I can help it. Sometimes that’s easier said than done when Phoenix comes to visit. He’s seven months old already, and the older he gets, the more I see of his Papa in him. And that hurts a lot more than I’d like to admit.

Anyway, I’ve been trying to focus on the good stuff instead… Like how much better things are getting between me and Papa. We still have a long way to go, but I seriously never even thought we’d make it this far.  And I don’t think I ever could have done it without my friends. Especially Katie and Ivy.

I’ve had to do some apologizing to them too. To Katie for not listening to her sooner. And Ivy…  Well, I waited way too long to talk to her about that stupid fight we had… Remember that? When I flipped out on her for not opening up to me?

Dev and Rylie helped me see what a stupid hypocrite I was to do it. It wasn’t fair for me to expect her to try and open up when I’m total shit at doing it myself.

But when I tried telling her that, Ivy just shook her head. She said it wasn’t fair for her to keep shutting me out after how much I’ve trusted her.

Can you believe it? She apologized to me. It definitely wasn’t what I was expecting, and I really don’t think she had to do it… but it was kinda nice to hear too.

And then, she decided to tell me a little more about how she ended up in here. That wasn’t something I thought she had to do either. I mean, doing something bad enough to end up in jail is pretty fucking shameful, y’know? We all get it. And I told her I did too… But she decided to tell me anyway. The basics, at least. I’m not sure if I’ll ever get her full story, but I think I know enough now.

I’d seen the marks on her legs when she first got here. I knew she was an addict, like Erik. But I never realized she was actually working with a dealer too. That was how she started using in the first place, she said. Being around the stuff so much made her curious. “A runner” is what she called herself. Bringing drugs to all the dealer’s clients, I guess? Ivy didn’t go into a lot of detail… Just that she hurt a lot of people. And that by the time she realized it, she was in too deep to find a way out.

I tried reminding her it wasn’t really her fault. I mean, yeah, she delivered the drugs to them. But she didn’t stick the needle in their arms or anything. She didn’t make them do it! But she says it doesn’t matter. She still feels responsible. “Fueling their addictions and funding my own”, as she put it. And… Okay, when she says it like that, I guess it does sound pretty bad, huh?

And the more I think about it, the more I start realizing… That’s kinda what I did to Erik, didn’t I? But maybe the other way around. I was funding his addiction… and using it as an excuse to keep fueling mine. But then, was mine ever even really an addiction at all?

Anyway, it was really upsetting to hear Ivy tell me all that stuff. She just sounded so broken. So guilty. “I deserve to be in here,” she said. It really killed me to hear her say that, and to see her pretty face looking so damn sad.

But it also really got me thinking…

I deserve this too, don’t I?

It’s such a simple, basic thought. Like, what kind of fucking moron can’t figure that out by now, right? But somehow, it was never something I really thought about too much before now. I guess I was just too damn stubborn to wanna admit it.

But I think about all the stuff I’ve talked about with Papa lately. Or the things Katie and Ivy have told me. And all of Dr. S’s lessons about empathy, and it really has me thinking…

It’s true, isn’t it? I deserve this.

What about Ivy though? Or Katie? Do they?

Personally, I don’t think so.

I mean, I never thought I’d say this about Katie, but… She’s not a bad person. She’s still got that bitchy streak she’s always had. But that doesn’t make her terrible. It just makes her… Katie. And sure, she fucked up by totaling that car. It was a totally idiotic thing to do. But she was hurt and drunk and angry. She’s not a monster.

And Ivy… I know what she did was wrong too. But it was just her and her brother, and they were practically homeless, from the sounds of it. I’m not sure what happened to them when they were younger. I don’t know how they ended up that way — That’s part of the story she didn’t tell me… But I know that she and Finn were way worse off than me and Erik ever were.

So she didn’t really have a choice, did she? She was desperate. She didn’t have anybody she could turn to for help. Not like I did.

It used to feel like I never had a choice either. That stealing from Oma was my only option… But when I think about Ivy, that seems pretty fucking ridiculous. How could I ever compare myself to someone in her shoes?

I grew up in a friggin’ mansion. I always had everything I wanted, or needed. I was never cold or hungry. And most importantly, I had two parents who were always there to help me out. The only time they didn’t was when I’d fucked up too much to deserve it.  And yeah, they annoy the shit out of me and we have a hard time getting along… But they love me. They always have.

And I guess… I guess I never really thought about how much that means until now. Not until I think about Ivy… and even Katie too.

I mean, Katie’s parents are just as rich as mom and Papa. She was a spoiled little brat just like me. But they were always so awful to her. They never loved her or supported her like mine did.

And Ivy didn’t even have parents. She had nobody. Her and Finn were all alone…

God, Katie was right, wasn’t she? About how lucky I am… But I never appreciated it before. I really am an ungrateful bitch, huh? Just like Papa said all those months ago.

Ivy’s not a bad person. And neither is Katie.

But I think I’m finally starting to see that I am. I’m selfish. I’m whiny. I’m ungrateful…

I’m a terrible, shitty person.

But I’m trying so fucking hard to figure out how to be a good one.

63 thoughts on “6.66: Bad Person

    1. Hehehe I won’t name names, but someone actually tells Harper that very thing in the next chapter! 😛 Can you truly be terrible if you admit that you are and want to change? Hmm…

      Liked by 2 people

    2. It is entirely possible for someone to be a terrible person even if they realize it. Some people don’t want to change.

      It’s to Harper’s credit that she does want to become a better person. Plenty of people wouldn’t bother, or would assume that since they’re already horrible people, they’ll never be good.

      Like

    1. Yeah, it’s like her eyes are finally opening! Haha Being in prison and losing Joce has given this girl the huge dose of reality that she so desperately needed. Thanks for reading! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Ohhh…wow. She is finally seeing how she has behaved all this time. Taking a good hard look at herself. That’s hard to do. Harper is finally trying hard to own her stuff – except with Erik.🙁 Erik will always be a part of her life whether she like she it or not.

    When she gets out, she won’t be living in a protected little bubble anymore and will have to learn how to live in a world where she has to make her own decisions and live with the consequences. I hope she has the support system to help her through the rough patches which I expect there will be plenty of. Maybe Devin and Rylie and possibly Katie and Ivy can be there for her if they are out too. Erik won’t be. We can already see that he has moved on.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yeah, this whole experience has given Harper a hefty dose of reality! Haha. And she definitely needed it.

      A support system will totally be necessary once she’s out, and thankfully it seems like she will have one! Though you’re right that Erik likely won’t be :-/ He still cares about her, but…

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I don’t think Erik has moved on completely yet. If he had, he would have no problem telling Ruby about his old dream of being with Harper. And he wouldn’t get that sad when thinking of the life he could have had with her. He seems like he is still holding on to his feelings for Harper. I think they need to face each other and talk it through in order for them both to really move on.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I agree they need to have a face to face and get their feeling out there. I just feel like he has given up on Harper and it makes him sad…A lost dream because they both made really bad choices. But yes. They have to talk.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Dark WitcHazard: Well I guess the fun is over she’s starting to re-examine her life choices and see the hell shes put the people in her life through ugh empathy you always have to go and ruin my fun! Well guess I wait til the next gen to get my downward spiral fix Pheonix maybe be a good person but he’s still a Rosebrook he’ll fall eventually!😈

    Emotional WitcHazard: Wonderful Harper good for you but I got one believe it’s never to late to change and even the despicable person can turn their life around under the right circumstances! I’m rooting for you!

    Dark WitcHazard: Stop it I’m trying not to🤮too late.

    Lover WitcHazard: Despite how much Erik looks like he’s ready to move on I believe both he and Harper need to have that one last talk to officially end things in a calm and respectful manner so both of them aren’t restrained but these burdened feelings they’ll always have their child connecting them but the pain and regret they feel are going to stop them from be able to enjoy their lives after all they are going through to get better and the sooner they have this conversation the better for them and their bundle of joy!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Sorry, Dark 😦 Foiled by character development! Hehe I appreciate Emotional’s words of support for Harper! (And so does she!) and Lover makes a great point… these two totally need closure. Badly. And I hope they can get some soon… Because you’re right, they are always going to be part of each other’s lives because of Phoenix. They’ve gotta get to a good place so they can be effective co-parents someday…

      Like

  3. Loving new self-reflective Harper! What a breath of fresh air!

    I do hope Harper and Erik eventually find a way to forgive each other as much as they can and face each other again. If not for them, then for Phoenix. Please, please, please guys, let’s not mess up another Rosebrook heir!

    Also, just out of curiosity, is there still a lot of time in Harper’s arc left? Y’know, just so we can anticipate how badly she can fuck things up again 😛 (Kidding, Harper, kidding. You get another cookie, girl)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Careful, you’re gonna fatten Harper up with all these cookies! 😛 (though she’s such a twig, she could probably use a cookie or two LMAO)

      I hope she and Erik find that forgiveness and closure too. Like you said, things will be so much better for Phoenix if they do!

      As for what’s left in this gen, well, my outline keeps getting tweaked… chapters added and taken away all the time LMAO It’s looking like she will have somewhere between 90 and 95 chapters total, based on recent numbers (Probably closer to 90. My goal is to have her at exactly 90 actually, but we’ll see! 😛 ) and today was 66, so let’s say 24-ish chapters left 😛 Plenty of time for things to get fucked up again 😉 Hehehehe

      Liked by 2 people

  4. THE UPDATE OF THE DEVIL IS surprisingly chill. I really like the revelations Harper is having. How old is Harper supposed to be now? Late 20s? She’s finally a real adult and I’m so proud of her.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. LOL Yeah, this chapter number cracked me up LMAO

      And actually, Harper is still a young ‘un! She’s about to turn 21 (her upcoming birthday is actually mentioned in the next chapter) I like to put my Rosebrooks through Hell at a young age and force them to grow up quickly… 😈

      Liked by 2 people

  5. Growth, growth, growth, and more growth. Harper, Ivy, Katie, and Erik have all grown up a lot. Harper actually admitting she is wrong and it is her fault she is in prison is a big step toward her recovery.
    Fantastic chapter.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Dammit, this water substance needs to stop dripping from my eyes. I can hardly see. Why you keep breaking me, Citizen. I need Harik now that they are both on the right path! They are what A2A is made of! Redeeming characters that are soul mates. NOW MAKE IT HAPPEN! STOP BLOWING HOLES IN MY SINKING SHIP!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Hahaha well, you know you can never say never about any of my seemingly doomed ships…. but things really aren’t looking good for them anymore 😭 I’m sorry

      Like

  7. My sweet Harper ❤ It's so wonderful to see her growing up, step by step. This realization is such a huge step for her. YUUUUUGE! I'm so happy she's understanding and seeing that she is ALSO to blame for where she is and how her relationships with everyone around her decayed. My little nooboo.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. I hope Harper keeps making progress! She’s been shitty for so long that it can’t be easy. And she’s been blaming everyone else for so long that I wonder if she’ll completely accept responsibility the next time she fucks up.

    The Rosebrooks needed family therapy more than anyone I know, rofl. Glad they’re actually, you know, talking to each other like civilized human beings instead of cavemen. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hahahaha yeah it felt so good to write about her parents coming in for family therapy. 100000% needed, and helping I think.

      And yeah, Harper has a long way to go before she completely reforms haha but she’s reached a turning point for sure. Realizing “oh god, I’m a shitty person” probably hurts a lot. But realizing it is a huge step toward not being so shitty anymore!

      Like

  9. Well, Harper is on the road to recovery! Admitting you’ve been a bitch is a great step to redemption! 😛

    It’s definitely hard growing up Rosebrook! Lol! But I think she’s going to come out of it fine!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha yes, this was a huge moment for her 😛 Hopefully you’re right and she will come out okay at the end of all this!

      Like

  10. Congratulations Harper. You finally figured it out, after 6 months in prison.

    But really, even though she stole from her Oma, lied to Erik + enabled him by paying for his drugs, Pushing away her parents, and basically being a spoiled, entitled brat, she still have a huge warm heart to the people she feels deserve it. She never turned her back on Erik while they were together. She did what she thought was right and she tried to show her love the best way she knew how, even though it was very wrong the way she did it. She’s not an awful person all the way through. Yeah she did some stupid shit, but she’s young, she’s learning how to be an adult, she’s trying to figure out who she is, and at that age you do some dumb shit and makes mistakes. Just like if she was at college. As much as i have understood, people in college in the US (i know this is germany, but i don’t know how college/Uni is in other countries besides Denmark and the US from tv) drink and party and do dumb stuff all the time. Or at least some of them do. I bet if Harper had gone to Uni and not got together with Erik, she would have been one of those people who drink and party all night long, fall asleep at the lessons because of the late nights, and sleeping with strange people at said parties. I’m not sure how wild her nature is, but rarely people with that many tattoo’s and piercings are calm and down to earth. She seems very forward with her opinions, very straight forward and is not the lying type. Except perhaps when she steals and lies to get out of trouble.

    She’s growing up and learning the hard lessons of how to do that. I’ve done some stupid shit in my younger days as well, and not really been that great of a person to the people around me. But i’ve learned from it, and now i can honestly say i am proud of the person i am today. I’ve got some issues, but the person i am today is not bad. I’m kind to people around me, even strangers. I love my boyfriend and i have no trouble showing him that every day, even when we aren’t together. And Harper seems like she is on the right track, going the same way. You can see how she is starting to realize how wrong she has been and wants to correct her ways. She might always have that craving of stealing, but she will learn how to put that aside and concentrate on other things. Just like Erik is learning to control his drug addiction.

    Harper is not a bad person. She’s a good person who has done bad things. The true reasons is unclear, but i think that she just has had a harder time growing up than some other people have had. And that is part of being a Rosebrook, apparently 😛 Growing up they do shitty things and then later realize, from the consequenses of their actions, how wrong they were. They live with shame for the rest of their life, often learn to live with it and move on, but it will never leave them completely. Even to the last, Mari thought she was a horrible person and that she didn’t deserve to move on when she died. But then Mr. Grimm showed her some stuff her family said at her funeral and it moved her so much. She finally understood she had done something right. That she was loved and always had been. And she deserved to get to see Jonas and her parents again.

    Harper will learn that she deserves love, she will find it and live happily to her last day. And her son (and maybe future children?) will love her so much for the person she is becoming.

    I think it’s important, if he hasn’t done so already, that Zayne tells her the story of his teenage years when he lived on his own in that shitty apartment. She needs to hear it. I think it really will help her grow. That she can see that he knows he makes mistakes too. Because right now i can imagine she thinks that his father thinks he is the best ever and to her he thinks he can do nothing wrong that he is judging her for all of her mistakes. Though that is not the case, he needs to open up to her. Some things, children don’t need to know about their parents, but some things they do, in order to grow. Most of the time though, we need to learn from our own mistakes.

    A child who never gets to fall, will not learn that it hurts to fall. Or one who never goes hungry because there is always food on the table, will never know what it feels like to be poor and not being able to buy food. And one who has never been to the country might not even know what a cow or horse looks like.

    I was a bit shocked when i heard this, but some children in Copenhagen doesn’t know where milk comes from. A school class in Copenhagen was asked where milk comes from and most of them answered that it came from the supermarket. They had no idea it came from an animal. That is a scary development in today’s society. How can the parents not teach their children such basic knowledge? Honestly it is scary because it shows that parents today do not take their time to teach their children these things because they are either a. too busy or b. just doesn’t care. And that is horrible development.

    Okay, this went way off topic lol. Again a very long novel of a comment. Sorry about that.

    I really hope Harper some day can realize what i’ve said about her not being a bad person. She deserves love and everything good in the world. She just needs to see this for herself, and i think her son can help her on the right path.

    Loved the post btw. One of the best revelation posts so far 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You make a lot of really good points about Harper 🙂 I guess what constitutes a “good person” can be hard to define… but you’re right that there is a kind heart in there somewhere. We have definitely had glimpses of it, in between the mistakes Harper has made haha I love all the faith you have in her 🙂

      Thanks for sharing all your thoughts! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Great character development!!! Harper has come a LONG way and being completely honest with yourself is a big step and not one that all that many people can take. I am so proud of her. I’m really beginning to like this girl. I do hope she’ll resolve things with Erik at some point but I’m not sure she is quite ready for that yet. I was worried that she’d become a narcissist but she’s certainly not as she has now taken accountability for her actions. Go Harper! Excellent chapter as always!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! 🙂 I’m really proud of her. Losing Joce and being in jail has definitely turned things around for her… it’s just sad that things had to get so bad for her to finally reach this point 😦

      Thanks again!

      Liked by 1 person

  12. It’s good to see that Harper is finally truly realizing that she needs to be better, though she may have a long road ahead of her in the future as she struggles with her own self-loathing.

    Like

  13. Wow. Man, Harper is becoming less and less Harpish. She’s made so much progress from the bratty teen she once was. But this means she’ll be able to be the kind of mother Phoenix deserves and needs.
    I officially ship PoisonIvy 🙂 I know Harper isn’t really that poisonous anymore, but ‘poison’ goes better before ivy than ‘rehabilitating’.
    Love this chapter.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oooh PoisonIvy is the best ship name 😂 I love it!

      And yeah, Harper is coming a really long way! 😮 Our girl is growing up (about time too!!!!)

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I’m really proud of Harper for realising that she definitely has blame in why she is where she is. It’s a great step to recovery ❤

    But I would tell Harper, "You're not a terrible person, you just got lost along the way and it was hard to find your way out, but now you are doing it. You're trying to make steps to make up for the wrongs you've done and that takes a very courageous, thoughtful, strong, caring person to do that. All of which you are Harper. You have so much brightness ahead of you and I know you can do it. You are loved." ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  15. It’s about time she realized it. Sheesh!! Been working my dang nerves all these chapters LOL. Even still, I’m glad she wants to be better. Perhaps she’s not as horrible as she thinks.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hehehe this was definitely her big lightbulb moment! Though you make a good point… if she’s able to recognize it and wants to be better, maybe she isn’t *quite* as terrible as she’s making herself out to be…

      Liked by 1 person

  16. Chapter 6.66 and Harper things she’s an awful person…so…Iluminati confirmed?XD Jokes aside, I did think her consciense would hit her like a steam boat,I’m glad now she is seeing the full picture and prison is doing what is suppost to do: Make people realize their mistakes.I still ship her with Ivy, and, like Erick, both being trought the same situation makes then now how it is to deal with all this things. I wonder If Ivy is going to the rehab sessions, as she didn’t seem so much like…Erick, let’s say.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love that description of Harper getting hit by her conscience! And I’m glad you like Ivy! She has rehab-style therapy with Dr. Savage and does pretty well with it, but she has her moments (as we will see in some upcoming chapters…)

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Goodness, she does this with everyone. Rylie and Devin were hard. Things with her father were different. Now things with Erik are different. Sheesh Harper, stop making every bit of adversity into a mountain that’s too hard to climb. This girl has no gumption! But at least she finally accepts how ungrateful she’s been and is at least thinking about finding a way to change that.

    Liked by 1 person

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