6.64: Letter

Okay, I know you aren’t supposed to just dive into a letter like this, but every single time I tried starting this thing, all the greetings just sounded… Dumb. Like, kinda forced? It didn’t really feel like ME. And that kinda defeats the whole purpose of this thing, doesn’t it? So I’m sorry for how weird this probably sounds.

Anyway, I’m sure you’re already wondering what the hell this is about. I mean, you just saw me a couple days ago. What point is there to writing you a letter? And honestly, part of me is kind of wondering that myself. I can’t lie, it feels kind of silly. But I still think it’s the right thing to do.

This letter was actually Rylie and Devin’s idea. They came to see me yesterday, and I kinda ended up throwing a lot of stuff at them. I talked a lot about you, actually. And how there’s a bunch of stuff I’ve really been wanting to say to you. I just don’t know how.

So they told me maybe I didn’t have to actually SAY anything. Maybe I could try writing instead. And it didn’t really sound like the worst idea, I guess. I figured it was worth a shot, right? So… here we are.

I probably should have written this thing a long time ago. Actually, scratch that. I DEFINITELY should have. I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. Maybe longer than I really wanna admit… I guess I was just too scared. Or too proud or something. Maybe both.

But I’ve made some really great friends in here, and they’ve been helping me figure some of this out. I guess I haven’t really told you much about them (You technically already know one of them, actually… But that’s kind of a long story). The point is, they’ve been helping me a lot, even when I don’t deserve it. Even when I screw things up and push them away.

And thanks to them, I guess I’m able to kinda see things more clearly now, if that makes any sense. Dr. Savage taught me a lot about how to start thinking about other people, instead of making everything about me all the time… Putting myself in other people’s shoes. Learning to feel compassion for them. It all seemed really dumb at first, but… Not so much anymore.

I’ve been trying to do that for my friends here. And in a weird way, putting myself in their shoes has kinda helped me learn how to do the same for other people too… Like Oma. And Mama. And Erik. Even you.

And it’s helped me figure out a lot about myself too. There’s a bunch of stuff I’ve been trying to hide from, I think. For a really long time. But maybe it’s finally time to stop hiding? Or at least, try to.

I just really wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.

I should have tried harder to be there for you when Oma died. I know how much she meant to you. I know how much it must have hurt to lose her. And I came up with all these stupid, selfish reasons why I shouldn’t try and reach out to you… But it doesn’t matter what they were. The point is, I was wrong. Really, REALLY wrong. And I hope you can forgive me for that.

I’ll understand if you can’t though. It’s not like I’ve done much to deserve it, have I? I mean, I’m sure you remember all the times you and mom tried apologizing to ME. And what did I do? I shut you out. I wouldn’t listen. I just yelled, or walked away.

If you’d tried asking me back then WHY I was doing it, I don’t think I’d have a great answer. Probably something stupid and whiny and totally bullshit.

It’s something my therapist used to love asking me about when I first came here. And I guess he kinda helped me figure out what my deal was. I know it sounds stupid, but I think it’s a lot easier to stay mad at someone than to forgive them, know what I mean? If you stay angry at someone long enough, I think you really start getting used to feeling that way. ‘Comfortable’, almost.

That’s definitely what it’s been like for me. I’ve been angry at you for a LONG time, Papa. And I’ll be honest — I still am. I know I’ve messed up a LOT. But I think you did too. There’s so many things I still haven’t forgiven you for.

But I think I’m finally willing to try.

And I hope you can try to forgive me too. Not just for how awful I was about Oma either. For… well, lots of stuff. I could probably fill up about twenty pages with a list of all the things I know I did wrong. All the ways I’ve hurt you and mom.

I know it probably seemed like I didn’t know I was doing it… Or that I didn’t care. But that was never true. I just couldn’t admit I was wrong, not even to myself. I just couldn’t. And that was never fair to you.

I’m sorry I was too afraid to say any of this to you in person… But you know how it is when the two of us get together. One of us starts yelling, sooner or later. We say a bunch of stuff we don’t mean. We dig ourselves deeper and deeper into this stupid hole we’re both stuck in. And I didn’t want that.



I knew I needed to find a way to tell you all this without it turning into a fight. But this letter barely scratches the surface. There’s a lot we DO need to talk about. In person.

So I was thinking… maybe when you get this letter you could try and come visit? But not with mom. And not with Phoenix either, much as I miss my sweet little boy. I think it might be easier if it’s just the two of us… As long as we can make it through a conversation without biting each other’s heads off (That might be easier said than done, but I’m willing to try if you are).

I don’t know if things will ever be ‘normal’ for us. After everything we’ve been through, that might be kind of impossible, huh? I’m sure we’ll always have problems. We’ll probably never get along the way we used to when I was little. And maybe we’ll never be able to completely forgive each other…

But there are so many things I never said to Oma when I had the chance. I never told her I was sorry. I never got to fix things between us. And I’m gonna regret that for the rest of my life.

And if anything ever happened to you… God, Papa. I don’t know what I’d do. I don’t know how I’d live with myself if I left things like this.

I know this isn’t something we can fix overnight. But I think maybe we can at least try taking that first step. Together.

Okay, this thing is getting a lot longer than I wanted it to. I’m kind of rambling more than I thought I would… There’s just a lot I’ve really been wanting to say. And I haven’t been able to until now.

I hope this letter doesn’t make you mad. And I hope you know that I really, really mean everything I said. I wanna change. I want things to get better. I’m just not completely sure how to do it yet. But I think maybe this letter is a good start. 

Thanks for listening, Papa. And I know you probably won’t believe it… but I love you.

Even if I suck at showing it.

Hope to see you soon,
Harper

68 thoughts on “6.64: Letter

    1. Thank you, Creshone! It felt soooo good to write this (for both me and Harper… ha!) I think once she started writing, so much that she didn’t even realize was inside of her came pouring out. I’m so proud of her too! Thank you so much for reading ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  1. FINALLY!!!!!

    Wow, Harper has actually made progress? Who knew that’d ever happen? She TOOK RESPONSIBILITY for once…and also apologized for her screw-ups.

    This was long overdue. And some things really are more easily said in writing–but now she’s opened a dialogue, and maybe she and Zayne will be able to work through most of their issues now. So glad to see her grow from the little shit she’s been for so long.

    Loved Katie and Ivy looking on from outside the window, too.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Hahaha right??? I’ve been so eager to publish this one. The biggest step Harper has taken so far. Like you said, I think a lot is much more easily said in writing. And I totally have this vision that she said some things in that letter that surprised even herself. She was holding a lot inside of herself for a long time.

      Like you said, lots of work still lies ahead. But this has definitely opened the door for them! And I’m glad you loved her friends looking on! Haha it’s probably a little nosy 😛 But they’ve both been on her for months about finally talking to her dad, so I think they were totally high-fiving each other as they looked on. Hehehehe

      Liked by 3 people

  2. Omg.
    Who would’ve thought this day would ever come?

    On a serious note, I am so, so happy for Harper and so proud of her. This took a LOOOONG time, but she took such a huge step. And good on Zayne for stepping over his pride and finally, finally, just hugging it out with his kid.

    To be honest, out of the entire legacy, both Zayne and Harper were the most frustrating to me. They just keep digging their own holes deeper and deeper – but it is so so satisfying to see them owning up to their mistakes eventually.

    I am really sad that they probably won’t ever be as close as they were when Harper was little. But then again, maybe those are unrealistic expectations and anything is better than the distance that was between them before.

    Also, give a cookie to Harper for me. She’s been a good girl and deserves it.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank you, sonnie! I’m so glad this one made you so happy. It brought me a lot of joy to write this one. So long overdue! And I 100% agree with how frustrating they are. Harper is so much like her dad. Stubborn hot-heads! *sigh* haha

      I think it’s unlikely they’ll be that close again, unfortunately. But this is a huge step for both of them in repairing their relationship. If they stick with it, I think they’ll be okay ❤ (And Harper thanks you for her cookie! 😛 )

      Liked by 1 person

        1. Haha yeah, definitely not a year yet! I am bad at portraying how much time has passed 😛 At this point she’s been in jail for between 5 and 6 months. Joce died somewhere around the 4-month mark. So it’s been a month/month and a half since Joce died. Even with my own timeline, I’m a little vague hehe

          Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh….😭😭😭😭 I’m so proud of Harper….good for Devin and Rylie getting her to write her feelings in a letter. She took some giant leaps with that. And didn’t slide backwards. I’m so glade Zayne came to see her. I think he has been hurting just as much as her if not more. The first steps towards redemption.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Was that maturity and growth I saw in that letter? Is she actually taking responsibility for her actions???
    Wow! Good job Harper! Proud of you! Now you just need to keep this up and you’ll do alright in life. 😀

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hehehehe it took her long enough, right? 😛 Let’s hope she sticks with this newfound maturity and doesn’t drop the ball… Thanks for reading, Eddie!

      Liked by 2 people

  5. This is so very good! I’m so glad Harper and Zayne finally talked for real. Ugh, now I want her to get out of here and be with her family and hang out with Katie and Ivy in a non-institutionalized setting and they can all be one big happy family!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks! And yeah, I’m kind of itching for the day when those three aren’t in ugly beige jumpsuits all the time LMAO I’d love to show them interacting out in public, wearing normal clothes. Hopefully eventually? lol

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Wow. I can’t believe she did it. So much character development. 🙂 This is good, really really good. Would right more but school is about to start. Great chapter!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Can everyone say, Awwwww!

    Needed, wanted, and yay! Thank you, Dev and Rylie for talking sense into Harper’s thick skull. Now she can walk with all that weight off her shoulders.

    Now…her life is turned around for the better! All she needs is an OTP, a good job, and her own place, and we can call it done with her HEA complete. (Although I know it’s never that easy…)

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Hahaha yes, this chapter mares a massive turning point for our girl 😮 It’ll still take a lot of time and work for things to really be okay between her and her dad, but this was a huge leap. And she definitely couldn’t have done this without her friends!

      Hopefully a HEA is in this girl’s future 😉 Hehe we shall see!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Harper has grown up a lot. It’s good to see her make some great improvement and trying to patch up her relationship with her dad. Zanye and Harper still have a rocky road to recovering their relationship.
    I think it would help Harper a lot if Zanye would tell her about his past. It would make him seem more human to her and realize even her dad make mistakes.
    It has also made me realize how angry I been with my blood parents and my need to forgive them. My mom keeps telling me I am only hurting myself. She also told me my blood parents sign over their parental rights to them. If not for this I would still be in the system.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. She’s definitely grown up a lot, though yes, there’s a long way to go before a full recovery!

      Forgiveness can be a really powerful thing, but it isn’t easy. Hugs for you ❤ ❤

      Like

  9. Attention Everyone! Hell has frozen over. Harper has finally owned up to her wrongdoings. I really thought she was a hopeless case and not worth dealing with but it seems I was wrong.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. *Cries for the next ten days straight*
    My sweet nooboo is growing up and I have so many emotions!
    First off – I think she’s going to start learning real quick once she’s out and taking care of Phoenix that parents just do what they think is right for their kids. It’s not always the best solution, but in the heat of the moment it sure as hell may seem like it. Yes, Zayne made a few mistakes (NOT MANY THOUGH BECAUSE I LOVE HIM) but she’s going to do the same thing with Phoenix. She’s taking a step in the right direction and I’m sososo proud though. I know she’ll better understand what her parents did later, when she’s in the same boat. Maybe Phoenix will be a freaking hellion and she’ll be like “HOLY SHIT, THIS KIDS A MONSTER!” and Zayne can be like “Karrrrma!” lololol Ahem. I’m so happy she’s taking this step. She’s still got a looooot of life in front of her and she owes her parents a lot just simply because they took in Phoenix for her. Sure, Zayne turned her in (I support that though tbh) but he then took responsibility for that action by taking Phoenix. ❤ I've got too many thoughts to type out so I'm going to leave it. Just so proud of my nooboo. #TeamZayne forever, but you know. 😉

    (was that Elly and Sam in that one photo?! hehehehe They discussing when they're going to have their next conjugal?)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You make a great point about how parenting Phoenix will probably give this girl a lot of perspective!!!

      And I am loving all the Zayne love going on over here Hehehehe Glad you loved this one so much!

      (And yes that was them! 😉 Hehehehe)

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Why do you make me cry? Why? Such a wonderful, wonderful chapter. (Also I spotted Elly and Sam, awwwwww. Though my ship is still Elly and Harper. Just give them a chance. HA).

    Tears are going down my face. She’s growing up so much, and Zayne is too. At least he went to see her. He didn’t have to, but he did. I think progress was made all around!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, this one was so emotional! 😥 But also felt so good. I’m so glad you enjoyed it! I’m really proud of both my babies! Thanks for reading, as always ❤

      Like

  12. This chapter brought tears to my eyes. So beautifully written. Maybe now Harper and Zayne can heal from their damaged relationship. I must admit I wasn’t the biggest fan of Harper but her journey has certainly been an interesting one and now I think she has really grown on me. I think going to prison was the best thing that ever happened to her and as hard as it has been it has allowed her to mature and she will be a much better person as a result. Phoenix will also have a better mum too. Great chapter!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you ❤️ I’m so glad you enjoyed this one so much. It was so rewarding to finally write it!

      I don’t blame you for not being a big harper fan haha But I’m glad you’re enjoying her journey! I agree that this is probably the best thing that ever happened to her. Imagine where she’d be if she’d never been arrested 😮

      Thanks so much for reading! ❤️❤️

      Like

  13. I’m finally getting the time to catch up on what I’ve missed and this chapter just made me so happy.

    Calling the police on Harper was honestly one of the best things Zayne could’ve ever done for her. I know she certainly didn’t think so and he feels awful about it, but sometimes people have to learn the hard way and going to this prison, making the friends she has and seeing the therapist have been just the things that Harper needs. As well as her sweet little Phoenix of course 😀 What a cutie he is! I’m also so proud of Erik for not continuing his therapy and not going back to taking drugs. He’s going to be such a great dad 🙂

    I’m also noticing that Harper and Erik have been checking out the ladies 😛 Hmm.. I see forgiveness between them in the future and a friendship. I’m not sure if they will get back together, if they do I’m all for it! However, if they don’t I’m also all for that too. I just want them both to find happiness ❤ Either way, they are going to be wonderful parents.

    I'm crying very ugly tears right now, tears of happiness. I'm so proud of Harper for listening to her friends and taking little steps at a time. Writing this letter to her dad would've been so hard for her and I'm so happy she did. Seeing her and Zayne hug at the end was beautiful. My heart is full of happiness and I know they can do this! There will be times they fight or disagree, but I know they can do it together ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Awww Nessy! What a lovely comment ❤️ (and hi! I’ve missed you!) I’m glad this one made you so happy… I felt the same! I’m so proud of Harper and Zayne (and Erik too, like you said!)

      Hard to say what the future will hold right now… time will tell!

      Like

  14. Gahhhhhh! My heart! This was sooo sweeeeeeet!Harper’s istuation reminded me of Luc’s situation, they both got mad at one another, started not talking to each other, but In Harper’s case, she was able to try making things work out with his Father, but, like Harper said, all these years of emotional problems ( and maybe truama?) won’t heal themselfs with a year or two, they might never heal, but they should be able to deal with everything more easily.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww thank you!!! And that’s a great comparison. It’s a lot like how things were with Joce and Luc… it with a much better ending!

      Liked by 1 person

  15. Finally!!!! Yeah, she’s definitely Joce’s granddaughter. I’m glad they hugged it out. I hope this is the beginning of them fixing their relationship. I know it had to come from Harper. Zayne had already tried to fix things, but she kept shutting him out. I’m happy she’s finally really getting something out of the therapy.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Wow, this was so great and I am near tears as I recall the yr before this last w/ my oldest. She did different things but all the same it got ugly for awhile. In time she apologized and we have a great relationship now. I can’t wait to see what happens as the story goes…feels like I”m never going to catch up.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You can do it! I believe in you 😀 (Also, I’m SO glad you had a great outcome with your daughter too ❤ )

      Like

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