6.60: So Hard

I never got to say goodbye.

I never got to say I was sorry.



Katie was right. I should have just gone when I had the chance. I should have put all my shit with Papa aside so I could be there for him… And so I could see my Oma one last time too.

But I didn’t. I waited too long. I agonized about it for three days before I finally decided I was gonna go see her.

But the same day I put my request in with the prison director, they called me in and gave me the news.



Everything’s been like a blur since then. It’s taken me more than a week to be able to actually sit down and write about it. Guess I’ve officially broken that “once a week” rule I set for myself… But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it before. Every time I sat down and tried to write something, I’d just break down.

Her funeral was probably the hardest part. Seeing her lowered into the ground just made it all feel so real.

I was really happy the director ended up letting me be there. He didn’t even require an escort or anything. Just transportation to the church and back. They even let my mom drop off a dress for me to change into ahead of time, so I didn’t have to wear my ugly jumpsuit in front of everybody. I was grateful for that.

Not that it mattered much. Most of the people who came couldn’t have cared less what I wore anyway. They weren’t there for me.

They were there for Oma.

They buried her down at the cemetery in the huge plot that’s reserved for our family. I’ve only ever been there once that I can really remember, back when my Onkel Florian passed away. I was too little to remember much about when Oma’s Mama and Papa died. And even when I was there for Onkel Florian, I guess I never really paid much attention to the other graves…

I took a few minutes to read each one while I was there. Alexander, Jade, Mariana, Jonas… There was even a little plaque dedicated to Papa’s parents. It was so strange to see all those headstones there, with all those names of people I’ve only ever seen in old photographs. But dead or not, they’re still my family, aren’t they? And I couldn’t help but wonder what they’d think of me if they could see me now. Would they be sad? Angry? Ashamed?

I know Oma was. She had to be, after everything I put her through.

They buried her right beside a headstone labeled ‘Mark Bright’. That was another name I recognized. He was Papa’s grandpa… But he was more than that too. “Her husband,” Papa always used to tell me, even though they were never married. I never really understood it back when I was little. But I think I get it now. I mean, she was still Papa’s Mama, even though she didn’t give birth to him.

And she was my Oma too. The best Oma in the whole world.

I just wish I’d gotten the chance to tell her that.

God, it was just so awful. It seriously killed me to know I’d never see her again.

And seeing Erik killed me too. It was my first time seeing him since I went to jail. I hadn’t even spoken to him at all, until then. He looked incredible. He sounded incredible too. And I thought it was so sweet of him to show up at the funeral. 

But everything was still so goddamn awkward. I still feel so angry at him, but so guilty too. It’s really weird to try and explain how I feel. I’ve already tried telling Dr. S, but I always have such a hard time. It’s like… part of me still loves him. Part of me feels like shit for the way I treated him when we were together… But another part of me hates him. Or wants to, at least. And I’m not sure if that part of me will ever be able to forgive him.

Anyway, the point is, seeing him was really hard. Harder than I thought it would be. I guess it really just hit me how much everything’s changed between us… And how we can probably never go back again.

That totally sucked. Bad. It just made all the pain I was feeling that much worse, y’know? Part of me almost regretted going to the funeral at all after that. I just felt so out of place… I thought maybe seeing Phoenix would help, but he stayed home with a babysitter. And seeing everyone else just made everything hurt even more…

Well, almost everyone. There was someone I was actually really glad to see at the funeral.

Two someones, actually.

It had been almost nine months since I’d talked to either of them… Not since that day at the restaurant, when they’d confronted me about the stealing.

They tried all the time to reach out, but I just kept pushing them both away. They even tried to contact me a few times since I went to prison, but I just kept ignoring them. I used to tell myself it was because I was mad at them. That I hated them for going behind my back…

But I dunno. It’s something I’ve talked about a lot in therapy. I was mad at them, I just… I guess maybe I was ashamed too. I really didn’t wanna have to face them. I was too afraid.

But seeing them at the funeral… it meant everything to me. It made me realize just how much I needed them. Both of them.

And I think they knew it too.

I don’t know why the hell they even bothered coming, after the way I’d treated them. I know I wouldn’t have, in their shoes. But I guess that’s what makes them special, huh? They’re the two best friends I’ll ever have. And I’ll never understand what I ever did to deserve either of them.

I wasn’t sure what to say to them… How the hell could I even begin to explain everything I was feeling? How much I regretted everything I put them through?

So I just kept telling them I was sorry. Again and again and again. And it felt so good to finally say it.

It’s kinda hard to figure out where I stand with them now. But it definitely feels a hell of a lot better than me and Erik, that’s for sure.

I guess it’s just nice to feel like I have my best friends back. For a while now, it’s really felt like I didn’t have anybody. I was so alone.

Well, okay. Maybe not completely alone. I’m not really sure how the hell I would’ve made it through the past week if it weren’t for Katie and Ivy. 

Would you believe Katie never said “I told you so”? Not even once. I could see the look in her eyes when I told her what happened. I know she was thinking it… But she never actually said it. And honestly, I’m really fucking grateful for that. I’m not sure I would’ve been able to handle hearing it, if she did.

She’s been really understanding, actually. Ivy too.

It’s strange… Ivy and I have known each other for over a month, but there’s still so little I know about her. I’ve kinda just been seeing her as the stereotypical ‘damsel in distress’ I guess. So mysterious. So beautiful. But so naive too. I’ve had to help her out a lot and give her a ton of advice since her first day here — even after I rescued her from Tim.

Guess it kinda started feeling like Harper Hard-Heart was coming out of retirement… Saving the day yet again (though I guess this time Katie the Cruel was upgraded from villain to sidekick…).

But lately it’s been feeling like Ivy’s the one saving me. She and Katie are the only two people who’ve really been there for me during all this. I guess that’s one thing I do know about Ivy… She’s got a huge heart. And I never thought I’d say this but… I think Katie might too.

I wish I knew how to thank them. And I wish I was brave enough to try getting to know Ivy a little better. Convince her to open up a little more, y’know? And I mean, I really, really want to. Eventually.

It’s just really hard right now to focus on anything other than, well, how shitty I feel.

And the huge friggin’ elephant in the room — Papa.

On the day of the funeral he was just… broken. It was terrible. I’ve never seen him like that before. And I kept thinking about what Katie said…

I knew it would be wrong to do nothing. And I wanted to say something to him… But I just couldn’t. I didn’t know where to start. Like, what can I possibly say to him right now, after everything that’s happened between us?

All I managed was a super awkward hug. I literally didn’t even say a word to him. I totally panicked. And I still have no idea what the hell I’m gonna say the next time I see him.

UGH! I just hate this. I hate everything about it.

I hate that I still can’t suck it up and talk to Papa. I hate that things are so broken between me and Erik. I hate that my Oma’s gone. And I hate that I was too much of a coward to apologize to her when I had the chance.

It all just HURTS. It hurts so fucking bad.

Why the hell does everything have to be so hard?

—————————————–

I’m so sorry, guys. I loved Joce 😦 This hit me so hard. I shed actual tears writing and screenshotting both this chapter and the one before it. Jocelyne was born in my game over a year and a half ago. I had her even longer than I had Mari, and it’s so hard to see her go 😥 But she’s with Mark and Luc and her parents now ❤ She has more than earned this rest! I just hope Zayne and Harper can both find peace with this. 😦 Thank you for reading, and for loving Joce with me ❤

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69 thoughts on “6.60: So Hard

  1. R. I. P. Jocelyne Rosebrook. You were Born from love, and buried with love. You found love and you raised your children with love, with your love by your side. You have the Biggest heart of them All and now you have joined your loved ones in the afterlife. You will be so missed ❤️

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Hehe probably the second thing she did… First would be hugging Luc and sobbing into his shoulder for about an hour. I know a lot of readers never forgave him, but she did, so that would be her #1 priority haha A hug that’s 50+ years overdue!

      Then time to make up for 20 years of lost time with Mark 😉 Hehehehe

      Liked by 3 people

  2. My poor Joce 😦 She has alwayd been (and probably will be) my favorite heir so this is very sad. I’m glad we get the chance to witness her funeral, though, rather than having to say goodbye to her off-screen. And it’s so surreal to read all those names there…

    Joce has had a long, difficult life but she’s learned so much. Her kind words and good advice will be missed. Go get you some Mark-loving up in heaven, Joce ❤

    As for Harper…. I was really hoping Katie had talked enough sense into her to prevent this, but I guess not. Although it seems that she is slowly learning to appreciate the friendships she has and get some insight, A LOT of the classic Harper still comes through in this chapter. Like making almost the entire diary entry bout what people are thinking of her, instead of the funeral or saying goodbye.

    That said, this might be Harper's rock bottom (maybe?). And the only way to go from the bottom is… up^^

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yeah this one was so upsetting. I actually cried. I think her death hit me even harder than Mari’s did (and that’s saying something!)

      and yes, overall this is some growth for Harper (but unfortunately, not enough growth for her to have gone and seen Joce first 😥 ) Writing her growth is a tricky balance between baby steps forward and still preserving the Harper we still know. If she continues to grow and change, we might finally see that self-centered attitude start to shift… But for now, it’s totally still there!

      Liked by 3 people

  3. I LOVE JOCE. WHY COULD SHE NOT LIVE FOREVER?
    Sad to see JOCE go. I wish Harper could have laid her difference’s aside with her dad in time to see her Oma and tell her goodbye.
    It seems like everyone has grown up and left Harper behind. It is nice to see Harper beginning to grow up some.
    When she gets back home Joce will probably visit her in ghost form and she can apologize to her.
    You can always bring Joce back to life. Hint Hint. Seriously though, I love the way your writing is more realistic, things that happen in normal everyday lives, not this supernatural stuff and people with green, purple, blue, etc…, color skin.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I was so sad to see her go too 😦 it hurt a lot!

      You’re so right about everyone else growing up… but at least Harper seems to finally be trying to catch up. If only it didn’t take something so drastic for it to happen 😦

      I appreciate your kind words about my writing. Thank you so much for reading, as always! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  4. 😭😭😭😭😭 So sad. I needed tissues to get through it. She is with her love now and her brother.

    Hold on. *runs off for more tissues*. Back now maybe I can finish.

    On to Harper….I hope Jocelyn’s death and the fact that Harper never apologized to her is the kick in the ass she needs to start getting serious about her shit. To begin to start taking a real hard look at why she is where she is and realize she is the only one to blame. Not her parents, not Erik, not her friends for telling, not anyone but herself.

    It was sad but good for her to see that Erik was making positive steps in his life and to recognize they would never be. Honestly, I’m not sad. They were never really good for each other and it’s better for both of them to move on and get a new start which Erik seems to be working much more successfully on than Harper so far. Too bad there will be Phoenix in the middle of it all.

    It was good to see her begin to let Rylie and Devin back in her life.

    RIP Joce

    Liked by 3 people

    1. This was such a great comment, Audrey. Thank you! Though I’m sorry for all the sadness 😦 Hopefully this is the beginning of a positive change for Harper! She needs to catch up to Erik now 😛

      And yes, it felt amazing bringing her friends back. She needs them (though she has some good friends on the inside too, as she’s finally starting to see 😉 )

      Liked by 2 people

  5. I had a feeling this would happen–and hey, that’s how life happens. Or death, in Joce’s case. Sometimes you don’t get the chance to make amends or say everything you wish you could’ve, or even goodbye. And that’s what Harper’s learning now.

    As sad as Joce’s death is, she lived a long, full life. Harper’s still young, so maybe this will help give her some perspective, and she’ll try to become a better person instead of burning bridges and blaming everyone else.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Exactly! Harper is learning the same lesson Joce herself learned all those years ago with Luc… hopefully it’s a harsh enough lesson that it can actually inspire her to start making some changes! We can hope…

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Two generations who had to live with regrets. Joce had to live with the regret of not answering that last phone call from her brother and never forgiving him. Now Harper has to live with not putting her own selfish feelings aside and going to see Joce in the hospital. Hopefully this will be the wake up call that Harper needs. I doubt it will be though. Too easy, and you never do any of this the easy way.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. This is so sad! But such a turning point for Harper. I’m so glad she’s got her friends back. She’s learning to say sorry, and she’s regretting cutting off her family. Hopefully she can make amends with her father. He’s got to be in such a emotionally fractured place right now. And Harper too. Maybe some healing can happen?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m hoping for healing too! Lord knows they all need it… and yes, including Zayne 😭 Hopefully she will suck it up and actually try to reach out to him… what a step that would be!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. OMG Joce, noo </3
    I know she'll be finally reunited with Mark, and Luc too, but couldn't she just live forever.. I just love her so much *goes r- read her chapters for the N time*

    Liked by 3 people

    1. A much needed kick, yes! And much deserved…

      I promise Joce will give him a very big hug ASAP ❤️ (and a lot more than that… 😈)

      Like

  9. I’m sad for everyone, but the memory of not being able to apologize in time will surely give Harper something to ground her in reality. Knowing that she can’t take anyone for granted will do her good! It was an emotional chapter with Joce burial, but at the same time a turning point for our girl. She even apologized to her best friends. Also, Katie and Ivy will probably mean a lot to her by the end of her sentence…I hope. =) Thank you for the chapter. *wipes tears off my entire face*

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you sigourney! You’re so right…. this seems like it has the potential to be a real turning point for Harper, awful as it is. She’s already made progress here… and hopefully it can continue!

      Like

  10. Aw, R.I.P Joce 😦 I’ll miss her, she’s definitely my favorite heir ❤️ At least this is one step closer to Harper realizing how incredibly selfish she’s being! I’m still in shock that Harper couldn’t suck it up and say bye to Joce. I was so sure that after talking with Katie she was going to be able to see Joce before it was too late, but guess not 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  11. And this is why you shouldn’t steal from your grandmother! As sad as this is, maybe Harper will finally take the chance to grow up and try to make amends for the wrongs she has committed.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I thought this was the previous chapter when I made this comment. It still stands. But it’s good Harper has friends to help her again.

      I’m wondering if Harper will hook up with Ivy when they get out, or if she’ll end up with Devin or Riley or stay on her own. I hope someday she can apologize to her mom and dad. But it’s far too late to apologize to Joce.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It’s still definitely a valid thought. And, well, this HAS been something of a wake up call of her. But it’s kinda too little too late… for that relationship, at least! But there are many more she can still mend.

        As for relationships, she definitely has a lot to choose from! Haha

        Liked by 1 person

  12. How do I begin to explain why I loved Joce? In the beginning she strangely reminded me of Wendy Darling. She found of the love of her life, and I was jealous. Then she lost him, and I was heartbroken. She may have regretted it later, but she held a lasting grudge in a way I never could have, and I respected her. Maybe I loved her for all the wrong reasons but she is my favourite heir. Though Harper’s remorse came too little, too late, I hope she’s happy that she was finally Harper’s turning point.
    Goodbye Joce. Rest in peace.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Ohhh noooo!!! And now Clara is all aloneeee!:( At least Harper seems to be realizing the situation that she’s in, and actually understanding that some of this stuff is her fault…At least Joce didn’t go for nothing…I really hope she keeps up changing like that, I mean she finally said sorry to her friends AND saw that she was Just embaressed when it comes to…well, everything. I really hope Joce get’s some tips with Luk in how to appear as a ghost to Harper…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I know 😦 So sad… but at least this seems to have had a positive impact on Harper. She’s definitely opening her eyes to a lot of things now. But it had to happen in the worst possible way 😭

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I know Oma was. She had to be, after everything I put her through.

    Why does this have to hit so close to home? T-T That’s exactly my thought process for *three years* after my own grandmother passed away. Still not fully over it.

    Like

  15. You know Joce was one of my faves, my second favorite in fact. The strong women you write, the ones who are layered and flawed and beautiful and smart and more resilient than they know, those are the ones that stick with me the most. She will be missed. It’s hard to believe she’s gone. I wonder what her triplets are up to. I know this legacy had to move on with Zayne and his descendants, so I will move forward too, but just know that she won’t be forgotten.

    One of my favorite Joce memories: her running off to America and hanging out with her uncle Stefan. Harper got her stubbornness and inability to apologize from somewhere, and it wasn’t Zayne like she thought. It was Joce. Both women love hard, and there’s a thin line between love and hate.

    Okay, I’m gonna stop before I get into a full blown eulogy. Just know that it would be the realest eulogy ever, lol. I’m not crying, you’re crying!

    Liked by 1 person

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