6.54: Never Would Have Dreamed

Y’know, I’d forgotten how different it is having a baby in the house. It’s loud, it’s hectic, it’s stressful… And it’s also the most amazing thing in the world.

Things have just been so quiet around here for the past couple years. I’d gotten so used to it… Once Harper left, it was just me, Hope, and Tante Joce in this big old house. It was kind of nice sometimes, having all that peace and quiet. But there were times when it felt lonely too.

And it wasn’t just Harper’s absence that made it feel that way.

It was the way she treated us. Alienated us. Pushed us away…

Or was it really us doing the pushing?

That’s certainly how it feels right now. Harper moved back in with us months ago, and in all that time, I’m pretty sure she hasn’t even said a hundred words to us. No matter what we say or how many apologies we give her, she just shuts us out. She doesn’t even yell at us anymore. She just walks away.

She hates us. Especially me. And with good reason too.

I don’t know what the hell got into me. I don’t know why I thought turning her in would be the right thing to do… Hope and Tante Joce were a lot more hesitant than I was. But neither of them actually told me not to do it either. I think we were all at the end of our ropes. It felt like nothing we could say or do would ever get through to her. And we were all foolish enough to believe the punishment wouldn’t be so severe.

I mean, I remember my Onkel Auggy telling us about his cases all the time when I was a kid. Jail time isn’t the norm around here! Fines, probation, mandatory therapy, community service… I was so damn sure she’d get off with another slap on the wrist. Just something to scare a little sense into her!

But now look what’s happened. How the hell could I do that to my own daughter? I promised my Opa all those years ago that I’d never turn my back on Harper. That I’d never let her forget how much I love her… And that’s exactly what I did.

God, why didn’t she just tell us she was pregnant?! If I’d known about Phoenix, I never would have even dreamed of turning her in like that. I would have fought tooth and nail to get that child as far away from Erik as I could. But I never would have let his mother be taken away from him like this. I feel sick just thinking about it.

But none if this is going to change things anyway. I can wonder all I want how different things could have been, or regret it til my dying day, but it’s too late to take any of it back now. The damage has already been done. Harper’s drifted farther away from us than she ever has before. And I’m not sure there’s any way we can recover from this.

The only glimmer of hope we’ve had was the night Phoenix was born. Tomato woke me up around midnight, just barking and barking. Turns out it was Harper. I’m still not sure whether she was just trying to walk off the pain or if she was actually planning on trying to drive herself to the hospital… She never told us. But I knew the second I looked at her that it was time.

Tante Joce stayed home with Tomato, and Hope and I threw on our clothes and took Harper to the hospital.

It didn’t take very long to get her set up in a room. And after that, well, we were kinda stumped as to what to do. “Just go home,” she kept telling us. No, demanding of us, really. “I’m fine.” But there was no way we could leave her there all alone.

Hope made the mistake of suggesting we call Erik… And Harper didn’t like that one bit. Part of me almost felt a little bad for him. Don’t get me wrong — That guy’s a total fucking loser. And most of this is all his fault.

But whether we like it or not, Phoenix is still his son. And I guess it felt kinda wrong not to at least let him know his child was about to be born. But Harper insisted.

We knew we couldn’t actually leave her on her own. So we agreed to go sit in the waiting room instead.

But then, when we were heading for the door, we heard Harper call out to us.

She told us she changed her mind. She asked us to stay.

That was the closest either of us have felt to our little girl in a long time. And I was so grateful we got to be by her side for that. It was nice to finally forget for a little while. All that mattered was being there for Harper, and welcoming our beautiful little grandson into the world.

He’s just incredible. He’s such a sweet little guy, and so happy too. He barely ever cries. He’s so alert and aware too. Way more than any baby I’ve ever seen. It’s just incredible. He’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. And we’re all so in love with him.

We’ve even been letting that loser Erik into our house to meet his son. Harper felt so sure he wouldn’t want to… But he surprised us all. And you know what? He fell in love too.

I know it’s been really painful for Harper to see Erik again… But I think knowing that he loves his son after all has been such a relief for her.

As long as he sticks to his rehab program, the court granted him visitation rights. Hope and I will be seeing Erik around a lot more than we ever wanted to…

But not Harper. We won’t be seeing much of her anymore. Not for a long time.

Next week, they take her away. My little girl, behind bars. For two years.

And it’s all my fault.

Okay, I know I should stop saying that. Tante Joce tells me the same thing every time. “All the guilt and regret in the world won’t change a thing,” she says. “Don’t waste your time dwelling on the things you can’t control.” She always says it’s better to focus on the present… And the future too. The stuff you can change.

And I want to change. I want to do better. Be a better father. Be the best grandfather to Phoenix that I can be…

But I’m not so sure if Harper wants to change.

I mean, I’ve seen the impact motherhood’s had on her. She’s amazing with Phoenix. She’s soft and gentle and loving and kind. She’s everything she used to be when she was a little girl. Everything that I’d love for her to be again. And I love seeing those glimpses of it.

But it’s just not enough. The change has to be deeper, y’know? And I’m so worried for her.

I used to think facing some real consequences would be good for her. A wakeup call, I guess. But now I’m not so sure.

She’s been worse than ever, from the moment she got arrested. Cold, angry… mean.

And something tells me this is only the beginning. What if being behind bars just makes her more bitter? Angrier? Meaner?

What if this was a huge mistake? What if it just makes everything worse?

What if we lose her forever?

Or… maybe we already have.

54 thoughts on “6.54: Never Would Have Dreamed

  1. Zayne, Joce is right..you can’t change anything. It will happen whether you like it or not. Maybe it will help Harper learn something, even if it’s only small. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens. Hopefully Harper likes Orange (or whatever colour prison outfits are in this universe) ’cause i’m sad to say she’ll be wearing it for a while

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Aww I thought we were skipping ahead to prison but it’s just Zayne talking about how he zayned things up. 😉

    “And it’s all my fault.”

    You could be a pretty big dummy last gen and when Harper was a kid, and accepting responsibility would’ve been great then…but no, you’re not completely responsible for Harper going off the rails and harping it up. (Okay, I just really like turning their names into verbs…) She dug this hole with her own damn shovel.

    BRING ON PRISON. *chants*

    Liked by 6 people

      1. ‘To Zayne’ – to act rashly/loser your temper/hurt the people you love, and then write about your regrets in your journal.
        ‘Harpering’ – to act in an entitled manner while blaming everyone else for your own mistakes.

        Liked by 9 people

  3. Awww. Zayne. 😢 Your stupid hot headedness – acting first and thinking later. When did he actually reach out to her after she left other than to yell at her and make demands? And of course she was just as bad. I guess maybe it had to come to this. I just hope they all survive it.

    On the bright side, it sounds like Zayne adores his grandson and tolerates Erik. That’s big for him. I would have expected him to try and block Erik from seeing Phoenix – so glad he didn’t.

    Harper asking her parents to stay was a huge step towards reconciliation for her even though she went right back to hating her father. I think the story goes, you hurt the ones you love the most. I think, deep down she loves her parents and Zayne most of all. She is so blinded by anger and playing the blame game, that she can’t find it. I hope one day they are able to forgive each other and become close again.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Definitely always acting first! Ugh 😦 They both need to learn to control their anger better 😦

      Definite positive steps for both though! Zayne tolerating Erik and Harper letting her parents be there for the birth.

      So much truth in what you said… the love is there. But it’s hidden by a lot of anger and resentment 😦

      Liked by 3 people

  4. Oh Zayne, come on, if he hadn’t turned her in, she would have continued her destructive path until she got caught by someone else, it was only a matter of time. I’m glad that Erik came to his senses about Phoenix, though, so even if it doesn’t work out between Harper and Erik in the long run, he’ll still have both his parents in his life (and hopefully his grandparents, even after Harper’s released). It was time for a family-wide wake up call and I think this chapter is showing the beginnings of it. Everyone needs to start excepting their part in this mess, and start working to do better for the baby.

    Can’t wait to see how prison treats Harper >:)

    Liked by 5 people

    1. This is a great point! If it hadn’t been him, it would have been someone else.

      I think you’re right that Phoenix has the potential to really turn things around for everybody. The question now is who will follow through…

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Zayne, sweetie, jail time is precisely what she needed. Harper needed consequences to show her that she can’t just do whatever she pleases and get away with it. It would have been better if she’d faced consequences earlier on in her life, instead of always letting thing slide. Even so, I’m not so sure she wouldn’t still be a mess–some people are just like that, and she’s proven that she knows she was spoiled. Not only does she know it, but she wants to blame her actions on that rather than accept she knows fully well she’s done wrong.

    Yes, Harper may be more angry and bitter over spending time in jail, but hopefully the German justice system puts more effort into rehabbing prisoners than the U.S. one does. And, it shouldn’t surprise anyone she ended up behind bars, after she’s been caught several times shoplifting in the past. Stealing thousands from your own grandma is pretty serious stuff–and it would have been thousands in USD. Otherwise she could not have afforded a new expensive phone, a new car (good new cars are at least $20K USD, typically more), or a new computer (as I recall it was a laptop, and basic laptops are more expensive than basic desktops–around $1k there, maybe more depending on the features–those of us who have gaming PCs can tell you a gaming laptop is way more expensive than a gaming desktop as well, but gaming desktops are crazy expensive).

    I don’t think Zayne and Hope will repeat the same mistakes with Phoenix as they did with Harper. I’m glad Erik gets to see his kid, but I hope Harper doesn’t decide to pick back up with him. For one thing, he pretty much abandoned her. For another, she is part of the reason he felt it was OK to just keep on the drugs. I’m not so sure if they get back together that Erik won’t go right back to the drugs; after all, he’s got a criminal girlfriend, and his life sucks and he can’t find a job (and boo hoo poor me). As angry as she is at Devin and Riley, they were still better friends for her all along than Erik. They had some good influence on her, and she threw that out for Erik and his parties and drugs. It’s a wonder Harper didn’t end up an addict, too. Either way, I won’t be hurt if Harper doesn’t end up back with Erik or with anyone else either. Devin and Riley deserve better. Being in a relationship with Harper, as it stands, would be a whole lot more like raising a child than being in a romantic relationship.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. I definitely agree that this is what Harper needed — an actual consequence for her actions! Hopefully this is something that will help her get better instead of push her farther down!

      I’m not sure if I’d agree that Erik abandoned Harper, but you’re so right about the terrible influence those two had on each other. They both would have a lot of growing up to do before they’re ready to have a relationship with anybody.

      Time will tell whether either of them actually reaches that point…

      Like

      1. Something tells me you’re relishing the strong reactions people have to Harper. Like you wrote her to be a villain and you’re secretly fist-pumping that you succeeded.

        I know that’s probably not the case, but I’m still amused by the mental image.

        Like

  6. I love hearing Zayne’s thoughts again. It’s so weird to think he used to be that insecure, awkward and scared teenager. And now he’s a grown man with a grown up daughter and a grandson as Well! I seriously hope he can get through to Harper. That she won’t resent him forever and that with time she can reconsile with her parents. With Jocelyne as Well before she pass away. I really miss Jocelyne as a child/teen/YA. With Lucas as Well. And her life with Mark. How old would Mark be now if he Was still alive?

    I hope she doesn’t get back together with Erik anytime soon. If he keeps himself clean and stiksav to the program, then maybe after she gets out of jail. But i think he needs to Prove himself to Harper. That he can stay clean, get a job, have a steady income… Basically being able to take care of himself. And that way show that he would be able to provide for a baby as Well. But maybe he doesn’t Even want to get back together with Harper? Their relationship seemed to be very difficult for a long time towards the end. Maybe it’s better for All three of them if Harper and Erik aren’t involved with each other.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, Zayne as definitely come a long way! I hope Harper can make amends with everybody too 😦

      As for things with her and Erik, well… we’ll see. Like you said, they might not even wanna get back together after everything that’s happened! Only time will tell…

      And believe it or not, Mark would be 105 if we were still around 😮 Jocelyne is 83.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Wow! 105 years is a very long time. A few People have lived that long, but not many. And they have seen their loved Once pass away, Even their children. It’s kinda sad that they lived that long because of that.

        Does Jocelyne still miss Mark as much as she used to? Or has she just Learned to live with the sorrow?

        Like

        1. She definitely still misses him, but I’m sure it’s gotten a lot easier as the years have gone by. He’s been dead for 20 years now 😮

          Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha yeah, plus once the sentence has been passed, you can’t bail people out of prison… They’ve gotta serve their sentence! So she has no choice but to go through with it. But hopefully that’ll be good for her!

      Like

  7. Dark WitcHazard: Dang it don’t make me feel something for Zayne he’s last gens heir and I have a love for one heir at a time and Harper is a full time commitment! I don’t need these diverging feelings!

    Charmer WitcHazard: You know you can like them both right?

    Dark WitcHazard: Bot the way I was wired who cares about Zayne’s redemption bring on Harper’s stay at the Cell Block Hotel!

    Nooboos WitcHazard: Glad Erik turned around to his Nooboos no one can resist those adorable faces!

    Dark WitcHazard: The only benefit to bringing Erik back into the food is the drama that will ensue between him and Zayne and the sober he gets the more he’s gokng to want to be involved and we all know that won’t sit well with Papa Zayne! I mean give him a year of rehab and sobering up and Erik will start complaining about how he’s missing everything! Will they compromise and let him move in! Hahahahahha!

    Emotional WitcHazard: Self loathing won’t change things change changes things! If that makes sense the only thing Zayne needs to worry about is changing his way of thoughts so that when Harper comes back hopefully with a better version of herself and then you guys can comprise and meet in the middle!

    Dark WitcHazard: Or it won’t and jail changes Harper for the worse and when she gets out she takes the baby and runs away from everyone!

    Lover WitcHazard: (Face palms)stop just stop!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Muahahaha! I made Dark have feelings! I feel accomplished 😉

      Interesting thought about Drama between Erik and Zayne. Time will tell… 😛

      And yes, change is needed! For, well, everyone! But… lets see if it actually happens 😛

      Like

  8. If I ever meet Zayne, I will not hesitate to slap him lol. I cannot count how many times my eyes rolled in this chapter. I cannot stand all this apologizing he does!! Dude, the girl is rotten! Yeah, it’s your fault, but it’s NOT your fault that she continues to do rotten things! Yeah, ok, maybe you would have made different choices if you knew she was pregnant, but that doesn’t mean it was the wrong choice. Life can’t always be roses, and sometimes there are harsh consequences for wrongdoing. UGH! Still done with these people! (clearly I have no kids and have zero sympathy for him when I probably should LOL)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hahahahaha it’s fine! He definitely is putting a little too much blame on himself here, you’re right. I think his view of the situation is very clouded by his feelings as a father. It’s like he’s commited the ultimate betrayal of his child (and she’d totally agree with that LOL)

      But… She needed this. Maybe he’ll see that someday!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Too little, too late, Zayne. You regret it all and yeah, you lost her.

    At least you get a second chance with this kid. I wonder if Harper will ever get full custody back. That’s interesting to think about. I’m sure she will be limited for her parole time and then a social worker will have to assess her stability as a parent. Even Erik, too. That’s a long road ahead of both of them to become a stable household (apart, I’m sure.) Poor Phoenix will be schlepped between households. Hopefully, that won’t affect him too much. 😦

    And now! Let the prison playtime begin!!! **trots off to pop the popcorn for the DRAMA!** Too bad Eun isn’t a woman…ha ha… 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It definitely won’t be easy… Harper has a very long road before she can be deemed fit to be a parent! But that will definitely be her goal… once she gets out of jail, at least!

      LMAO “prison playtime” 😂 No Eun unfortunately 😦 But there may be some other familiar faces around the jail 😛

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Poor Zayne, just can’t catch a break,I thought her generation was supposed to be over, but here is our gen fiver still going through it. Lolz. It’s great to see Zayne wanting to make some changes, that’s the first step.

    Zayne brings up a good point: What is Harper so angry about? He right that she used to be kinder, I mean, when was the last time she told her family she loved them?

    I think maybe Harper’s more lonely than angry, but latches onto anger because it’s an easier emotion to handle. I looked back at her teenager chapters (the one when she’s sitting in the boat to be specific), she was so different, before the anger set in, and it seems she never truly moved past whatever was bothering her then. It’s just festered. I hope jail will be good for Harper, she has time to really think about everything that’s lead to this point, including her own actions, hopefully. She needs to realize that has no one to be at angry but herself and the only reason she alone is because she is the one the built the walls between her and the people that care.

    I’m glad Harper is good with Phoenix but I’m slightly worried. Harper tends to cast people off and declare them enemies the moment they stop agreeing with everything she say or does. If she doesn’t shake that particular habit it doesn’t bode well for her and Phoenix’s relationship, because like all children he will eventually, be it when he’s two or sixteen, he will do something that Harper does not agree with.

    Happy to see Eric starting to get clean and being part of the baby’s life, Phoenix deserves that. But he needs to stay away from Harper. She is his enabler and that’s the last thing he needs if he wants to succeed. He’s still very ill and probably will always be if we’re completely honest, but he seems to genuinely want to get better (unlike his baby mama).

    Next up, Harper in jail! Can’t wait to meet her cellmate!

    P.S All the pictures of the family in the background nearly had me in tears.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is a great comment!

      You’re so right about how Harper has changed. She used to be a very sad and lonely girl. Now she’s… a very angry and lonely girl haha

      She has the hot-headed trait in game, but I wanted to kinda ease us into it, by having all her bitterness start festering, as you said.

      You also bring up a great point about how Harper could behave toward Phoenix in the future 😦 Hopefully she won’t! And yes, hopefully she will actually end up wanting to change like Erik does…

      Glad you enjoyed those pictures too! I will be honest, I very purposely set those shots in the hallway in order to show off some of the pictures 😂 The Rosebrook mansion is full of really lovely family portraits, but I so rarely get to show them! 😦

      Thanks for reading!

      Like

  11. Uuuugh there’s so much happening and all of it’s bad and it’s hard to agree with anyone’s choices. I do find it hilarious that Zayne and Hope won’t be seeing Harper for two years but will be seeing Erik regularly. I’m still dreading the prison scenes but it’ll be interesting to see how it changes Harper.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha definitely a lot going on, and pretty much none of it’s good, at this point! You’re right! Haha

      Zayne and Hope will be able to visit Harper while she’s in prison, but they will definitely be seeing Erik more frequently!

      Liked by 1 person

  12. So Zayne is definitely at fault here. Turning her in wouldn’t have made their relationship better, even if she only got a fine. Harper would have been angry and would have pushed them away.
    But Zayne is not the only one at fault; Harper is more to blame. She stole, helped feed Erik’s drug addiction, stole from poor Joce. She definitely deserves punishment and a fine won’t cut it. Yet she also has the right to be angry at and hate her parents. They took away her freedom and the first few years of Phoenix’s life. I feel like this is going to damage him in some weird way.
    I do not trust Erik. I don’t care about the changes he’s making. I don’t care if he loves his son now. I can’t forgive him for how he reacted to Harper’s pregnancy.
    TOMATO!!!!!!!!
    Great chap!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Definitely mistakes being made all around here! It’s very painful for everyone. Lots of hurt! 😦

      Hopefully Erik can eventually sway you 😛 He’s trying very hard right now.

      Glad you enjoyed the chapter, thanks for reading!

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I tend to agree that Zayne (and Hope) are at fault, but more in the broader “failed to give their child appropriate coping skills” sense. You did a good job at contrasting the authoritative parenting style of Joce with the permissive style HoZay adopted.

    It’s easy from an outside perspective to see how deeply Zayne’s personal losses – his parents, their first pregnancy – has so deeply affected his sensitivity to personal relationship risks. He yo-yos between extremes, either bending over backwards to try and get others to love him or *demanding* they do what he says. Hot-headed to the very core!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha I like this analysis of Zayne. It’s very accurate about the extremes he goes to. Part of that is because he has the hot-headed trait, but he also has the “good” trait. So I kinda try to show that in the weird extremes he goes to. He totally loses his temper and flies off the handle one minute, but then he fully recognizes he messed up and feels absolutely terrible about it afterwards. It’s a really vicious cycle. I am an evil author 😛

      Thank you for reading ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Bet you’re feeling guilty now, huh Zayne? Seriously, of all the relationships in this generation, the distance and distrust that has formed between Zayne and Harper might just hurt me the most. It makes me so sad to see how far they’ve drifted apart, especially when you notice that they still care so deeply about each other, in a weird way. Heartbreaking 😦

    I feel like there’s no use in pointing fingers, at this stage. Although I kind of like that Zayne is feeling guilty. Both he and Harper have the tendency to blame everything on the rest of the world, so it’s good that he’s being introspective and recognizing that he messed things up, too.

    Phoenix is the little spark of hope. I actually really feel like he might be up to something good when he grows up. Maybe I’m being too optimistic, but I hope he’ll be an honest politician (do those exist?) or smart scientist guy or somebody who will really change the world for the better.

    No pressure, though, kid. Just stay away from drugs and out of jail, and you’ll already be exceeding your parents.

    Can’t wait to see Harper in prison. Is it an all women’s prison/facility or will there be men, too?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah, it really is heartbreaking honestly 😦 Those two were really close when Harper was little… I think even closer than Harper and Hope were. And that just makes it even worse. They’ve both hurt each other and pushed each other so far away 😭

      I’m glad you have high hopes for Phoenix! We will have to wait and see what the future holds for that little guy!

      And it will be an all-women facility 🙂

      Thank you sonnie!

      Liked by 1 person

  15. MY SWEET ZAYNE! Okay boo, I just need you to know that it’s not all your fault. You’re wonderful. Yes, you coddled her and pushed her away a little. HOWEVER I believe she needed this wake up call. She was pregnant and still stealing from Oma, so it seems like she was just going to continue down her path of “I’m the best and I can do whatever I want because I justify it all in my head.” Yeah, people justify to themselves that the Earth is flat too, doesn’t make them right. I really believe Harper is 60% to blame for her situation. No one forced her to steal from anyone, she made that decision on her own. God forbid SHE go out and get a second job because SHE decided to stay with a drug addict. *HUGE EYE ROLL* Zayne, I love you. It’ll be okay. Citizen wouldn’t let your only daughter hate you forever. SHE WOULDN’T! SHE JUST WOULDN’T!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Sure I wouldn’t, sure… *shifty eyes*

      I agree that Zayne is putting too much of the blame on himself here. I just think it’s hard for him to admit that his daughter is, well… kinda awful 😂 Minus that awful slip up when he called her a disappointment of course… 😛

      Thanks for reading, Nichole!

      Like

  16. I’m a bit surprised , actually, I really thought that, someday Harper would see her situation and change, like in teen years or even now, AKA I thought that when she hit the bottom she would change.It’s interresting to see that sometimes, things don’t end up ”good” and some people take their sweet time to develop awareness of the situation their are win…If the way things are now, I truly belive that: Either something traumatic will happen to Harper, that will make her change, or, her son gives her a wake up call and she listen’s to him. ( A third and sadder option is that she dosen’t change during all her life and live a life where everyone’s to blame.)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hope it’s not the third option! 😦 But all three choices are definitely realistic right now. It’s taking her so long to finally own her own mistakes. She’s so frustrating!

      Liked by 1 person

  17. It’s nice to see that Zayne is still Zayne, not in the same way he was as a kid – not making the same mistakes, but so many (professional) authors write great characters who have kids and then when they go to write the kid’s story it’s like “who is this adult?” That’s not how I feel with Zayne. He’s still himself, although he’s learned a lot more. And he’s still learning…sadly the hard way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw, I’m really glad he still feels like Zayne! That’s definitely hard to do sometimes. Thank you for saying that ❤

      Like

  18. Zayne is silly to think Harper will be nice to him or Hope or Joce when she’s facing jail, but we’re playing the long game here. I still have hope it will get better on the other side. Maybe I’m as foolish as a Rosebrook for having hope here, but it’s all I’ve got right now.

    I for one am glad she’s going to jail. Not because I wanted something bad to happen to her, but because I really think this is the wake up call she needed. Anything short of this wouldn’t make it sink in that her life was untenable.

    Liked by 1 person

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