It’s kinda crazy how quickly things can turn around sometimes. One minute things are amazing. Wonderful. Perfect. Then, in the blink of an eye, it all changes.
Your boyfriend loses his job. Or overdoses on heroin. You get caught shoplifting. Or find out you’re pregnant. Everything starts falling apart so fast.
But sometimes, things can change for the better too. Sometimes you’re feeling lost and helpless, and then exactly what you need just falls right into your lap.
Your teacher pairs you up with the two best friends you’ve ever had. The tutor you’d been dreading to meet ends up being the love of your life. One glance at a fuzzy little sonogram image makes you fall in love.
Or a simple mail mix-up ends up solving all your money problems.
Okay, maybe not all of them… There’s a couple things I still have to pay for myself, like the rent on our apartment. Or helping Erik pay his dealer. He’s still pretty stubborn about trying to use his own money for that… but he’s really scraping the bottom of the bucket these days, so I’ve gotta step in sometimes.
But that’s all stuff we can handle on our own. I’m not worried about it anymore. Because there’s so much more that’s all taken care of now. Our heating and electricity bills. Our internet. Our phone bills. Our credit card bills… Anything you can pay online with a bank account.
And it’s all thanks to my Oma.
She gave me a pile of mail the last time I was over there. Random junk mail and other crap that keeps getting sent to my parents’ house by mistake. And I wasn’t even gonna look at any of it, to be honest. I was ready to just toss it all in the trash. But I was feeling so shitty after talking to my parents that I kinda needed something to distract myself. So I decided to go through it.
And that’s when I saw it — One of Oma’s bank statements. I guess she accidentally put it in the pile with my stuff by mistake.
I just about died when I opened it and saw her account balance. For one crazy moment, I thought there’d been the biggest screw-up in history and I was looking at MY account… that would’ve been a freaking miracle, huh? I couldn’t help laughing at myself when I realized what was really going on. As if I’d ever get that lucky!
But… Then I realized maybe I still was lucky.
I just couldn’t get over how much money it was…
It’s not like it’s any huge secret that Oma’s freaking loaded or anything. She got SO much money from her Papa when he died. My Ur-Opa Tobi was one of the most famous football players in all of Germany. He had a huge fortune to leave behind for everybody when he was gone… And I always knew my Oma got a huge chunk of it. Way more than what’s in that account, even. I know that’s not all of it.
But God, seeing that number alone was just crazy. Three million euros…
Maybe that sounds weird coming from someone like me. Money was never a big deal for my family. I mean, my parents always spoiled me like crazy when I was growing up. I always got what I wanted. But that was probably hundreds that they spent on me. Maybe thousands. But not millions!
Obviously I know my parents have a fortune of their own tucked away somewhere… But I’ve never actually seen that much money all at once before.
Like, imagine what you could do with THREE MILLION EUROS!
Or honestly, these days even three HUNDRED would be a huge deal for me and Erik.
And I guess that’s what got me thinking. We don’t need that much money. It’s not like I’d ever take all of it. But with the baby coming, we definitely could use a little more to get by, y’know?
And like… When’s my Oma ever gonna need all that money anyway? Especially when I know she has millions more tucked away somewhere too!
She probably won’t even notice if we take a few hundred from her account every now and then, right? Just some online payments here and there. Nothing huge. Nothing she’d ever miss!
And she’s already gonna leave me a bunch of money as inheritance someday, won’t she? Is it really a big deal if I take it a little early?
I know, I know. It sounds so awful… But it’s not like I really have a choice. My stupid parents let me down… again! What else was I supposed to do?! And it’s not like I want to do this. It’s not like I enjoy it…
Okay, okay… maybe I do a little. And I kinda hate that I do. But it’s such a different rush than shoplifting! Every time I pay another bill I just feel… I don’t even know the word for it. Powerful, maybe? It’s the craziest high.
But that’s not really what matters. That’s not what this is about. And it’s not why I’m doing this.
I’m doing it for Erik. And our child.
And I feel so bad going behind Oma’s back like this… But I would have just asked her for the money if I’d thought she’d say yes! She’s been almost as bad as mom and Papa about the whole money thing. All these stupid ultimatums about breaking up with Erik or forcing him back into rehab…
None of them understand. They can’t. They don’t know what it’s like. They don’t understand how fucking hard this is. It’s so easy for them to say shit like “give him an ultimatum”, or “you need to leave him!”
Without me, he has nothing. I can’t leave him. Especially with the baby coming… he’s the father of my freaking child! How could I ever turn my back on him now?
I just hope having money now will help things. I hope I can convince Erik he doesn’t need a job right now. He’s just gotta get back to rehab and get better. And things are already heading in the right direction, I think. He can tell things are way less tight than they used to be. All our bills are getting paid on time now. I’m a lot less stressed about money now than I used to be… And he’s definitely noticing.
I guess the hardest part is just trying to explain where we’re getting all this money from. It’s only been a couple weeks since I got Oma’s account info, and I think Erik’s already getting suspicious. He’s been asking me whether I got a raise at work or something. And how often I’ve been ‘shopping’ lately…
That’s kinda his code word for when I start taking stuff. He hates it so much. He never tells me that, but I know he does. He just never says anything because he knows how bad we need the money. As long as it helps him get his fix and keeps a roof over our heads, he’s willing to put up with it.
This is so different though. I can’t even imagine how he’d feel if he found out about Oma. He’s already uncomfortable enough with the shoplifting… I just feel like he wouldn’t really understand. He’d think we’re betraying Oma or something.
But he knows how badly we need this. I don’t think he’d be able to actually say no. And it kills me to think of what the guilt would do to him. He’s already fallen so low…
Ugh! I’m such a fucking coward. I’m just too afraid to tell him where the money’s really coming from. That’s not his burden to bear. It’s mine.
But it’s really starting to drive me crazy keeping all these secrets from him…
Though there’s one I don’t think I’m gonna be able to keep for much longer.
I have to tell him soon. I can feel it. I wouldn’t say I have a “baby bump” yet, but I’m definitely gaining a little weight. And I guess I’ve been acting a little different too. These hormones are fucking me up so bad. It won’t be long before Erik starts connecting the dots… And I’ve gotta tell him the truth before he does.
I’m still not totally sure HOW I’m gonna tell him, or when… But I’m at least feeling a little better about finally coming clean. Better than I was before, at least.
He won’t have to worry about money now. He won’t have to stress out about finding a job. He won’t have to freak out about how we’re gonna afford a baby.
The only thing he’ll have to worry about is getting back to his old self again.
I know it won’t be easy… But he’ll do it. He’ll find a way. He’ll do it for me. And our baby.
Then everything will go back to the way it’s supposed to be.