I… I don’t even know how to write this. I’ve been sitting here for like half an hour trying to calm down, but I just… can’t.
I’m kinda hiding out in the bedroom right now. I told Erik I needed to lay down. And I tried to, for a while. But then the quiet started driving me crazy, and I knew I needed some way to just kinda get all this shit out. I just wish I could actually talk to someone, y’know? But I guess this is the next best thing.
I just feel so sick right now. Like literally, physically sick. I’ve felt that way all day, actually. And this isn’t the first time. I’ve been so tired lately, and getting headaches and stomach aches all the time… It’s been awful.
It makes sense though, doesn’t it? For all of that stress to start taking a toll and stuff? I mean, trying to scrape together enough for rent, and watching Erik struggle so much… I don’t know if I’ve ever really felt so overwhelmed before. Even going back to stealing hasn’t helped much. It’s made paying the bills a little easier, sure. But the rush just doesn’t feel the same as it used to… And trying to hide it from Erik just adds a whole new level of stress to everything.
I knew these symptoms I’ve been having were all signs of that stress. And so is missing your period, right? So it really didn’t seem like a big deal.
But I couldn’t help thinking about the other thing those can be a sign of too…
When I missed it for the second month in a row, I took two tests, just to be sure.
And I got the same result both times.
I was in the bathroom for so long, Erik thought I’d gotten sick again or something. And I wish that’s what it was. Anything would probably be better than this. This is like a fucking nightmare.
God, that sounds awful, doesn’t it? But I don’t really mean it. Not that way, at least.
I’ve already decided, and I’m going to keep it. There’s no question about that. Anyone else can do whatever they want in my shoes. And I wouldn’t judge them for it. But this is about me. And I just… can’t.
And I’ll admit it — part of it’s this feeling of like… obligation, I guess?
But… Another part of me actually wants this baby.
No, I do.
I mean, I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I’ve always dreamed of having kids someday. And for the past few years, I’ve even dreamed of having them with Erik. I just didn’t want them so soon.
I always thought I’d be married first. Maybe in my late 20s or something by then… Erik would have his dream job working for a software company, I’d be a best-selling author. There’d be no drugs. No stealing. Just the two of us and our little family.
Anyway, the point is… The timing totally sucks. Like, “probably couldn’t be any worse” levels of suck.
Which is why I can’t tell Erik about this. Not yet, anyway. Not til things start getting better for us.
We’ve gotta figure out how to handle our money situation. I mean, we’re just barely scraping by as it is. I’ve been begging Papa for more hours at the restaurant, I’m still pushing copies of my ebooks… and I’ve been back to selling some stuff online too.
I had to bite the bullet and start stealing again. I didn’t have a choice. And I guess I did kinda miss that rush…
But it’s just not enough. And it definitely won’t be once this baby comes. How the hell are we gonna be able to pay all our bills AND support a kid?! Especially with Erik not having a job right now…
It’s hard not to start panicking about it a little.
Part of me wishes I could talk to mom or Papa about it. That they could help me. I mean, think about how many millions they have tucked away! It’s obscene. Who the hell needs that much money? It’d be so easy for them to help me and Erik out if they wanted to.
But I hate asking them for help. It’s so fucking degrading. Back before I moved out, they kept trying to tell me I couldn’t handle being on my own. And now after everything that’s happened in the past couple years, it’s even worse. They might as well be holding up some giant sign saying “We told you so” every time I talk to them!
Plus, it’s not like I haven’t asked before. I’ve tried. And every time, I get the same answer. They’ll only help if Erik goes back to rehab… Or if we break up.
They won’t listen when I try to tell them why neither of those things are gonna happen. Not right now, at least. Erik knows going back to rehab would just delay him finding a new job. And right now, that’s his number one priority.
Plus, finding a job will make everything better anyway. He might not even need rehab anymore once he’s back at work. He’ll be happy again. Maybe even stable enough that I can convince him to try an outpatient program? Then he wouldn’t have to worry so much about taking time off work or messing up his career…
But in the meantime, we really need some money to help get us back on our feet again. Maybe then Erik can keep focusing on finding a job instead of worrying and feeling so sad all the time.
But none of that matters anyway. I know they won’t do it. My parents won’t listen. And I have a feeling this baby won’t change that. Mom and Papa are too damn stubborn. Just like me, I guess.
So our only choice now is for Erik to find a job. And he’s been trying. So, so hard. But with every rejection, I feel him falling deeper and deeper into this… pit.
And I just know one of these days he’s gonna be able to pull himself out and start being himself again… But when?
Until he does, there’s no way I can tell him about this baby. He’s stressed and hurting enough as it is.
I know I can’t keep it a secret forever… But I can for now. I have to.
And more importantly, I have to figure out what the hell I’m gonna do.