Okay, I seriously don’t even know what the hell to think anymore. Everything makes no fucking sense lately!
I know I should be happy about all this… But instead, I’m just frustrated. Or confused? I don’t really know how to feel about it…
Alright, I’m totally rambling. Let me back up.
So, Saturday was insane. Like, I’m still kinda processing everything that happened… The good, the bad, the ugly… and the confusing-as-fuck.
I spent most of it with Erik, of course. Just like always. But… this Saturday was definitely a little more eventful than usual.
Let’s just say I learned a lot about him this weekend.
Like… that he’s maybe involved in some not-so-great things. Drugs, I mean. And I’m not talking stuff like weed or X…
And even worse, he maybe does business with some not-so great people too…
That part was so scary. I seriously thought that dealer guy was gonna kill us or something. I guess Erik owes him a lot of money. And I don’t even wanna write the name of what it is he owes him money for.
I told Erik the other day I was okay with it. And I’m trying to be. I mean, he said he isn’t gonna let it get out of control. And that he’d try cutting back.
And like, I do some shit that isn’t exactly legal either. So how can I judge him for this?
I think I’m still in shock… I mean, I know Erik likes getting high and stuff. But smoking some weed with friends or taking some X at a party is different than this. It’s hard not to be a little weirded out by this whole thing…
But you know what? That bad stuff wasn’t the only thing I learned about Erik that day.
I learned that he isn’t gonna judge me for who I am. That he’ll accept me no matter what.
I learned that he loves me. And that I love him too.
And at the end of the day, isn’t that all that matters? Isn’t that enough?
Anyway, when I left Erik’s apartment Saturday, I was already feeling pretty overwhelmed by everything. All the scary drug stuff. The beautiful romantic stuff. And the amazing sex stuff too.
We didn’t go all the way, but I’d say we’ve gone as close as you possibly can to the real thing. And it was incredible. That was one more thing I learned about Erik, I guess — that his tongue is good for a lot more than just kissing…
Overall, I was pretty much on cloud nine when I got back home, even with all the bad stuff that happened. I don’t care how cheesy this sounds, but the high of just being with Erik is better than anything any drug could ever do. And him telling me he loves me… I almost couldn’t believe it. I kept replaying it again and again in my mind. I just couldn’t stop thinking about him.
And maybe if I wasn’t so distracted, I would have noticed there was something weird going on with my parents. But instead, I didn’t have a clue.
They let me get all the way through dinner before they told me the truth. They figured out about me and Erik. And the second they told me, I totally braced myself for a huge screaming match. I figured that’d be the end for me. They’d put literal bars on all the doors and windows and never let me leave the house again.
But instead, you know what they did?
They un-grounded me. They apologized to me for overreacting! They even invited Erik over for dinner later this week. At first I thought it was a joke or something, but they kept telling me they were serious.
They asked me a few questions too, about how I’m feeling about everything. “Talk to us,” they kept saying. What the hell was I supposed to say to that?! I tried to be honest, but… it was really weird. I kept asking them what the hell was going on, and their answer was always “we’re just trying to understand”. Um… what?!
Then they gave me a little speech about drugs and alcohol and being “responsible” with them… And being ‘safe’ with Erik so I don’t get pregnant or something (Oh my God!).
The only thing they really asked was that I tell them the truth about where I’m going, stick to a 9pm curfew on school nights, and talk to my doctor about starting birth control.
And that was it.
It’s like they can’t even make up their minds anymore! They’ve been so weird lately. Way worse than they’ve ever been, honestly.
I mean, they spent forever pressuring me about uni. Then as soon as I started showing ‘responsibility’, they decided to just let it go.
And for years they were these total pushovers whenever I got in trouble. Then after ONE stupid party, they put me under fucking house arrest.
And now, they’ve changed their minds on me all over again! Suddenly they’re totally fine with me and Erik being together?
All they’d tell me was that they “jumped to conclusions” and “overreacted” by grounding me for so long. They even apologized for not hearing me out sooner about the whole Erik thing. They were so… cool about it. Understanding. Where the hell did that come from?!
Okay, okay. I know how this sounds. Obviously I’m happy about all this too.
I mean, all I’ve wanted since I started dating Erik was to not have to keep him a secret. I’ve been wishing since the beginning that my parents could be on my side. And I guess I finally got what I wanted.
I’m happy… for now. But part of me is just waiting to see when they’re gonna turn on me again, y’know?
It’s like they can’t decide whether to treat me like a kid, or like an adult. Or whether to smother me or let me do what I want. Why can’t they just make up their minds?!
It’s driving me crazy. It makes me feel like I’ll never be able to trust them again… And I hate feeling that way.
I’ve tried talking to my friends about it, but I’m the only one who thinks it’s a big deal, I guess.
Erik keeps saying it means they’re finally starting to trust me. Devin says I should try giving them the benefit of the doubt. And Rylie just keeps going “shhh, don’t question it!” like it’s a big joke or something.
But honestly, I think she and Dev are just happy we’re allowed to hang out again. And so am I. I love Erik, but I’ve missed hanging out when it’s just the three of us too. And now, we finally can.
See? The more I write about it, the easier it is to be happy about it… And to forget how fucking weird my parents are being. But should I forget about it? Should I really give them the benefit of the doubt?
Ugh! I dunno. Maybe I’m just over-thinking everything.
Maybe my parents really do trust me now. Maybe they’re finally done treating me like a little kid.
Maybe everything’s gonna be okay with Erik and this whole drug thing. Maybe he’ll even start cutting back, like he said he would.
Maybe my life can finally start feeling normal. Maybe things are finally gonna start making sense again.
… Or maybe not.