6.29: Dive Right In

It’s been over a month now, and I’m still so fucking mad.

My parents think they know everything. They think they’re so smart. They think I’m just sitting here quietly and going along with their bullshit new rules.

But they don’t know everything. And there’s no way in hell I’m going along with any of this.

I can’t believe what an idiot I was. How could I think we’d get away with going to that stupid party without getting caught? I just about died the moment Rylie and Devin’s parents walked out the front door on New Years Day. And the second I saw my parents’ faces, I knew we were done for…

But it ended up being so much worse than I could even imagine.

Rylie and Devin each got grounded for two weeks. And the only time any of us got to see each other was at school. It really, really sucked. But guess what? Their two weeks were up a long time ago. They’re already back to hanging out with each other after school almost every day.

But my punishment? Not even close to being over. I’m still grounded ‘until further notice’, my parents say. What the fuck!

How the hell did they go from being the two biggest pushovers on the planet to a couple of freaking tyrants who basically put their kid under house arrest?! I know I’d said before that I was worried they’d do something like this if I ever got caught… But I thought I was exaggerating. I didn’t really think they’d ever do it!

Even Tante Joce thinks they’re taking this too far. She keeps telling me to ‘be patient’ and ‘be on my best behavior’ while she ‘works on them’.

And I appreciate that she’s on my side. I really do. But there was no way I was gonna just sit around and wait! Not while I was stuck at home and my friends were free to do whatever they wanted! It just wasn’t fair.

And Rylie and Devin weren’t even the worst part…

The worst part was Erik.

My parents called him and fired him as soon as they found out about the party.

Can you believe it?! All because of one stupid night?!

They’ve convinced themselves Erik is some kind of pervy asshole who was just trying to get in my pants or something. It’s absolutely ridiculous! They’ve met him ONCE, way back when he first started tutoring me. They don’t even know him!

Erik was still able to contact me through Facebook… my parents didn’t think of trying to make me defriend him or anything, thank God! And he just kept apologizing again and again. But he doesn’t have anything to be sorry for! It’s my parents who should be apologizing to HIM!

At first, I really didn’t know what I was gonna do.

Walking home from Erik’s party, I really thought I’d started figuring things out. I mean, that night… it changed everything for me.

It helped me figure out what all those weird feelings meant.

It helped me figure out that it’s okay to have a crush on more than one person… Even if one of them’s a girl.

And most importantly, it helped me figure out what I want. Or… who I want. More than anybody else.

But thanks to my parents, he was the one thing I couldn’t have.

Except… I figured out that I can have him.

They just don’t have to know about it.

Like I said, my parents think they know everything.

But they don’t know that the drugstore’s a ten minute walk from Erik’s apartment.

And they don’t know that my boss didn’t really add a Saturday shift to my schedule.

Every Saturday from noon to five is our time now.

And we’ve definitely been making the most of it.

I’ll be honest though… It took a little convincing. Erik almost sent me home the first time I showed up at his place.

I mean, he wants to be with me too. I know he does. But be kept saying I should be honest with my parents and ASK them if they’re okay with this… Especially if we’re gonna be together now.

But like I explained to Erik, I just can’t tell them. I know they won’t listen to me, no matter what I say. And all it’s gonna do is cause more problems. Plus, I’ll be eighteen in a couple months, so it’s not like their stupid rules will matter for much longer.

And isn’t the whole ‘forbidden romance’ thing kinda hot anyway? (I’m pretty sure that’s the argument that swayed him the most. He’s such a sucker for cheesy little lines like that! It’s adorable.)

I don’t even know what I’d do without Erik right now… He’s so amazing. Just being with him makes everything better. He’s the only reason I’m able to deal with my parents’ shit right now. He’s what’s keeping me going.

When I look at him, I know I made the right choice. Rylie and Devin are amazing. But Erik… I don’t even know how to put it into words.

But I really, really think I’m falling for him… Hard.

He has the absolute biggest heart of anybody I’ve ever met. He’s so kind and caring and gentle… And he’s never ever pressured me to do anything. We haven’t even had sex yet.

I mean, want to. And I know we will, eventually… But I’ve never done anything more than kiss anybody until I met him. And I’m still kinda nervous about all that stuff, I guess. And Erik gets it. He totally gets it. He’s been letting me set the pace on everything we do together. ‘Testing the waters’, he likes to call it.

And while I’m still working up the courage to dive right in… We’ve been having a hell of a lot of fun getting our feet wet.

Not that that’s the only thing we do, obviously.

We can’t exactly go out in public together… we can’t risk getting caught like that. So we’ve had to find other stuff we can do. Like playing video games, or watching movies together… Sometimes I’ll bring along my notebook and let him read one of my stories too.

I’ve even brought over my math homework before, believe it or not! What can I say? He really is a great tutor.

We’ve had my friends come over to chill with us a few times too… The only time I see them is still at school, so this is really my only chance to hang out with the two of them too.

Rylie hasn’t had a problem with it, and she’s pretty pumped Erik and I got together (‘I ship it’, she keeps telling me. Ha!). Devin’s been kind of a different story though. He really didn’t seem too excited to come hang out with us the first time we invited him. And whenever we’re together, he’s just been so much quieter than usual.

At first I thought it was maybe because he was afraid of getting caught again or something… 

But then I think back to those fuzzy memories from the party, and I think I get what’s going on.

I feel awful that he’s so jealous… But I know he’ll move past it eventually. He loves me. He supports me. And even if he’s not crazy about me and Erik being together, I know he’ll be happy for me too.

Unlike my parents. They’ll never be happy for me. And they’ll never care about what makes me happy either.

I wish I could be honest with them. It’s not like I like lying to them. I wish I could trust them with the truth. I’d love to be able to tell them about Erik.

But I can’t. They just won’t listen to me. They’ll never stop treating me like a baby. They’ll never let me do what I want with my life either.

And I don’t think they’ll ever accept me for who I am.

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Author’s Note: Hey guys! I just wanted to let you all know about a pretty exciting milestone my blog reached yesterday 🙂

As of yesterday, Ashes to Ashes has been viewed over 500,000 times! 😮 Half a million! I am floored!

Obviously I know that a huge chunk of those views came from people who looked a chapter or two and never returned. But the rest of them come from YOU guys — Reading the updates as they come out. Binge reading. Re-reading. Going back to read the comments. You get the idea 😉

Whether you’re a silent lurker or vocal commenter, I am beyond grateful to each and every one of you for the time you take to read my story. It means so much ❤ Thank you!