6.13: Drifting

Hey guys! I just wanted to apologize for not replying to anyone’s comments yesterday! That is SO not like me!

I was the maid of honor in my best friend’s wedding yesterday (it was incredible) and though I peeked at WordPress and the forums and read all the comments, I just didn’t have time to reply. And now that there are so many comments sitting there I feel really overwhelmed trying to respond to them all (especially knowing I’ll have comments to reply to on this chapter too!)

If I don’t end up replying to your comment from yesterday, please know that I read and appreciated every single one, as always ❤ I’m just overwhelmed and tired from partying and traveling 1500 miles for this wedding haha

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Well THAT was a blast from the past.

Mom was going through some old boxes of paperwork and other crap a few days ago, and guess what she found? My first ever journal!

I hadn’t seen it in years. I kinda figured it would be lost forever. But it wasn’t.

I can’t decide if it was more fun, or more embarrassing to read some of that old stuff… Either way, it was pretty interesting, I guess.

I never realized how much time I used to spend bitching about Katie… Man, those were the days! I STILL remember that time I punched her at lunch and ended up in detention (I think Papa really regretted teaching me about vigilante justice after that one… Ha!)

Can’t say much has changed between me and Katie since then, really. I still have moments where I’m SO tempted to go over and give her a good smack… But that’s not me. I might have my bitchy moments (who doesn’t, right?) but I’d never hurt anybody.

And besides, just ignoring her is a lot easier anyway. And gets me in a lot less trouble too.

It was kinda fun reading about how close me and Nyla used to be too. Now that has changed. A lot. Ever since she started hanging out with all the jocks and talking about sports all the time…

But hey, we’re still friends at least. Just not best friends anymore. Guess I don’t really have one of those these days.

Anyway, I guess the most entertaining part about reading that old thing was looking back at some of my old stories. I’ve come such a long way since I first started writing. But man, they were pretty darn cute. Especially the ones about that character I made up. ‘Harper Hard-Heart’, I called her. Dumbest name ever, right? But I used to think she was SO cool. She was everything I wanted to be. I used to have this weird fantasy that I’d grow up to be like her someday or something…

Yeah, I was kind of a lame kid. (Another thing that hasn’t changed too much, huh?)

I mean, it’s not like I’m a total social reject or anything. Katie and her minions are still total bitches, of course. And there are some people who I think will always see me as “poor Harper” with my hearing aid. But overall, I get along with most of my classmates. I have some pretty good friends.

I just wish things were easier, I guess. I wish I felt… Gah, I don’t know the word for it!

I guess the best way to describe it is we’re all out at sea or something. And everyone else is cruising off in their big, fancy boats with their friends. The jocks are waterskiing and drinking beer on a shiny, sleek speedboat. The snobby, popular kids are having a dance party on a yacht or something. The nerdy kids are playing Dungeons & Dragons on the deck of an antique pirate ship. You get the idea, right?

And then there’s me. I’m paddling alongside everyone in a shitty little rowboat. And everyone smiles and waves at me as they go sailing by…

But no one throws down a rope. No one offers me a place on board. They just move on without me while I drift away.

And I don’t wanna be stuck drifting forever.

(Okay, that was pretty good, huh? Totally gonna find a way to work that into my next writing assignment… Miss Andrews will love it!)

Anyway, the point is, it really sucks feeling that way. And I’ve been telling myself for years that it’s gonna get better, but it still hasn’t. And I’m kinda running out of time.

I just started 12th grade last week. My last year of school. Ten months of torture and a couple huge, stupid tests are all that stand between me and freedom. I should be excited. But instead I just feel… Well, you know. The boat thing.

And my parents really aren’t making this any easier either. I mean, they’ve finally gotten a little better about this stupid “uni” thing lately, I guess. So that’s something. I think Oma actually had something to do with that.

I kinda snapped at Papa like a week or two ago, and I caught Oma talking to him afterwards. Just wish I could have heard what they were saying. But, well… I’m basically half-deaf, so obviously that wasn’t gonna happen.

But I know it’s only a matter of time before it comes up again. They definitely haven’t dropped it. I don’t think they ever really will, no matter how much I try telling them it’s not what I want and it’s not something I’d be good at. I mean, shouldn’t they get that? Of all people?

I know they mean well. They always do. But… UGH. I’m getting so tired of trying to make them see that there are some things I’m just not good at. I’m not perfect. I can’t do everything.

They always seem so convinced that when I tell them that, it’s because I’m depressed or down on myself or insecure or something. But I’m not. I’m just honest.

I don’t know. I’m probably overthinking this whole thing anyway. I tend to do that a lot, according to, well… Everybody.

I spend a lot of time in my own head, I guess. Probably more than most people… That’s kinda what happens when you have such a hard time hearing. And it’s great for finding inspiration and coming up with story ideas… But it can be pretty sucky too. It’s so easy to keep focusing on all the shitty stuff floating around in my head, instead of the good stuff.

I know its not all bad. I’ve just gotta keep reminding myself of that. My parents love me. They just want what’s best for me. And Nyla and Sophie and Thad are still great friends. We’ll have a ton of fun together this year. It’ll be fine.

And maybe drifting away in my little rowboat won’t be the worst thing in the world.

At least it’s better than sinking.