5.58: Do Something

I really don’t know if I was ready for that.

I’m still kinda trying to process everything, I guess. I got totally blindsided at work yesterday… Lots of old shit came rushing back, and I’m still figuring out how I’m gonna deal with it.

Hope decided to show up at the restaurant out of the blue. No warning at all. Nothing. She was doing a shoot a few hours away and wanted to surprise me, I guess. And boy, did she. I know we’d been talking more and more lately… But honestly part of me still wondered whether I’d ever see her in person again. I never expected her to just show up like that.

Next week would have been exactly one year since the last time I saw her. That night when we made love one last time, and I fell asleep holding her in my arms… For the longest time, that’s been the last memory I had of her. It was one I held onto… Probably for longer than I should have. I’ll admit that.

But now it’s been replaced with a new memory — seeing her sitting there across from me, so beautiful and happy and perfect and… God, it killed me.

I was so ready to walk into my appointment with Dr. Hall and just talk about the restaurant and vent about Greg a little… Instead, it felt like one of our sessions back when we first started. I was a fucking mess. I did so well when she was sitting there in front of me. But as soon as she left, I just… I couldn’t handle it.

Being friends with her never really seemed like a problem until now… I guess having her halfway across the world just made it so much easier. Thinking about her didn’t make me so damn depressed anymore. Not the way it used to. I didn’t spend every second of the day missing her.

I’d even gotten used to seeing her face staring at me from all those billboards and magazine covers. After the first few months, I’d see those ads and I wouldn’t feel sad anymore. I was proud. I was happy for her. I thought I was finally getting over her.

But seeing her in person was so different.

I dunno. I had a hard time explaining it to Dr. Hall too. It’s like, ever since she left, Hope’s been nothing more to me than old memories and photos in a magazine. It was like she wasn’t ‘real’ to me anymore. She became this… abstract thing, I guess. The ‘idea’ of Hope, or something.

And I guess getting used to the idea of Hope made me almost forget just how much I missed the real one.

But God, do I remember now.

I still love her. I still miss her. And no matter how hard I try, it seems like those feelings will never really go away. But do I even want them to? I don’t even know anymore.

My appointment with Dr. Hall went a lot longer than it should have… I’m glad he didn’t have anyone scheduled after me. I just had so much to get out of my system, I guess. And when it was all over, right before I headed home, he left me with a question. One he told me to really think about.

What’s my actual goal with Hope? What am I trying to accomplish? What was the point of trying to better myself? To get over her? Or to win her back?

I used to think I knew the answer… But the more I think about it, the more confused I feel.

It’s just a lot to take right now. Last night was really rough for me. I tossed and turned for hours thinking about it. It really sucked.

Today was better though. Being back at work helped a lot… Or it took my mind off things for a while, at least.

Greg stopped by this afternoon to check in and ‘have a chat’ (as he likes to call it). He didn’t stay for very long, but the bottom line was that our numbers are really great right now, but he has some ‘adjustments to the menu’ he thinks we should make. He didn’t really go into detail, but he promised we’d ‘talk it over soon’…

Ugh. I know exactly what ‘talking it over’ means. He’ll give me his stupid salesman pitch and talk me into agreeing with him… And I won’t realize I should have said no until it’s way too late. That’s the way it always seems to go with him.

I didn’t want to tell Hope about all the stuff going on with Greg because I didn’t want her to worry about me, y’know? That’s not her job anymore. But if there’s one good thing that came out of seeing her again, it was being reminded of just how strong she is. She’s a fighter. And she always pushed me to be one too.

I was thinking today about what she might have said if I did tell her the truth. I thought about what kind of advice she might give me… And I realized it’d be the exact same thing grandpa and Tante Joce have been saying for months now. The same thing I’ve been telling myself too — I need to start standing up to Greg.

I guess I just don’t know how I’ll find the courage to follow through with it.

I mean, brave and strong is the exact opposite of how I’m feeling right now. Hope was always the strong one, not me. I was so pathetic and weak. And the way I felt when I saw her last night just proved it…

Ugh. No. No more of that shit. I’m sick of letting myself be so miserable all the time!

The more I’m thinking about it, the more I’ve gotta keep asking myself — What good will it do to sit here and fucking wallow?

None. It never did. All it’s ever done is make things worse. That’s something Dr. Hall helped me figure out a while ago… And it’s something he reminded me of last night. He always tells me I can’t change the past, and I can’t change anything about what anyone else says or thinks or does. The only person I can control is me.

So you know what? Fuck it. I’m taking control.

I didn’t make it this far with the restaurant by sitting around feeling sorry for myself. And I can’t sit here and let myself wallow about Hope either. Or Greg. Or anything else. Nothing will ever change if I do. I’ll never figure out what to do about Hope. I’ll never grow a fucking spine and stand up for myself. I’ll never be able to move forward with my life.

Not unless I do something about it.

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44 Responses to 5.58: Do Something

  1. OnyxRaven says:

    Such a slow recovery for Zayne, but it looks like he’s gonna make it!! I sure hope it gets easier for him, because he has been through so much heartache, though I doubt that it’s completely over. I get super worried for him, for some reason. I really didn’t want Hope popping up to send him spiraling again, and judging by this chapter, it looks like Zayne is ready to take control.

    Ugh, Greg… 😠😠😠

    Liked by 3 people

  2. witchazard says:

    Lover WitcHazard: It’s the beard puts ever in perspective!

    Shipper WitcHazard: Honey were going to a potential Hozay revival party are you coming?

    Anti Shipper:( turns over in bed and pouts.) No!

    Shipper: I’ll bring you back some whiskey okay!

    Anti Shipper: It better be top shelf or nothing!

    Liked by 3 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Aww if it makes Anti feel any better, half of his wish almost came true! I was screenshotting a scene where Zayne was talking to Greg, and Zayne got flirty! 😮

      Maybe not exactly the business partner he wanted Zayne to end up with, but…? 😂

      Like

  3. skcaga6 says:

    Bad, Greg! Taking advantage of Zaynes vulnerable state and heartbreak to walk all over him. Death to Greg! New meatloaf recipe! Just don’t do a DNA analysis of the meat.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Hey, look at the therapy working! He pulled himself out of his funk.

    That was like an episode of TV when an addict unexpectedly sees wine at a work party, successfully deals with it, then head straight to an AA meeting right after. Luckily Zayne already had the therapist appointment scheduled.

    I’m so invested in him and Hope as a couple. I learned that when I found myself wanting him to answer his therapist’s question one particular way.

    Hopefully he deals with Greg and finds his strength to do so.

    Liked by 4 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      It’s definitely working! I’m proud of Zayne 🙂 I love your addict metaphor haha. It’s so true!

      I love that you have decided how you want him to answer Dr. Hall’s question (that was really Cassie’s question, btw 😛 and it was so brilliant!)

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Bugsie2016 says:

    Go Zayne. You tell Greg. Angry mob at your disposal if you want to remain anonymous and not create too much drama. Remember as long as something happens to improve your life. Little by little these add up to big things.

    Because I love this quote and felt it appropriate for right now.
    ‘A river cuts through rock not because of it’s power but it’s persistence’

    Also, Zayne. Do you have the phone number for Dr. Hall? I think a certain character/s from Maladi’s story might need to talk to him. He sounds like a nice guy.

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Great quote! And LOL I am sure Zayne can count on an angry mob of readers to defend him if needed 😉

      And ha! The Rosebrooks are happy to share the contact info of their therapists at any time 😉 hehe

      Like

      • Bugsie2016 says:

        Ok but I’m going to have to withdraw my Vincent offer though due to recent events in my story. His brother might step in though.

        (Also, Vincent wants me to tell you to tell Zayne if he ever feels in need of a sibling, Vincent is offering up one of his.He has 3.)

        Liked by 1 person

  6. peaoorko says:

    “Decorating, venue and staff are one thing, but hands off my menu, you arrogant and manipulative unkind person. I am the chef and your interfering with the food makes me feel undermined and uncomfortable. This is supposed to be a partnership and I’ve worked for moths on this menu, so I am not changing it as I see no reason for it. Talk this over with yourself, Greg. ” I made it very clear I’d used “Greg” instead of “asshole”.
    -Should Zayne something to that effect, I’ll say he graduated the first year of therapy with honours.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. fabtiffsim says:

    GO GET EM TIGER!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. sourocha1 says:

    You, go, Boy! Do it! I’m sure this wil noly bring up good,but I jus hope he dosen’t get too ”fighty” and odn’t accept anything that Greg’s tells him to, one thing is to find common ground, other things is to only want ”your” way for stuff, i mean, if I got right, Greg is in the business area of the restaurant…Is rather ironic how Zayne can lost his temper easily, but still don’t uses that rage to do things…

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I totally get your concern about Zayne ending up losing his temper/fighting. There’s definitely a risk for that… but hopefully it’ll go better than that! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I love how consistent Zayne is in his personality. And he’s not quite there yet. Instead of standing up and doing something outright, he writes about doing it. I was imagining him getting more and more pumped while sitting at his table alone in his room writing furiously into a little book xD I’m glad that he snapped out of it by himself and I hope he will tell Greg what he thinks … in an adult kind of way. You can do it, Zayne!

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Haha I appreciate that Zayne feels consistent! He is totally one to brood and write about stuff instead of acting… but the way you described it sounds pretty spot on — he was getting so worked up while writing and then the finally snapped out of it and had his little epiphany! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  10. maladi777 says:

    How old is he at the moment? It is about time he took control.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. You go, Zayne! Don’t let Slick get to you. Just watch out for your temper, yeah?
    Also, Zayne’s slowly starting to remind me of Rachel Platten’s “Fight Song.”

    This is my fight song
    Take back my life song
    Prove I’m alright song

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Know what’s funny? Another reader mentioned that song today in relation to Zayne (on the forums). Apparently that’s his anthem right now! 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Jes2G says:

    Sheesh! Finally. Can we get on with life now, Brat Prince?

    Liked by 1 person

  13. sonniejj says:

    I’m glad Zayne has decided to stick up for himself, although it still makes me nervous when I see your characters crossing out lines in their diaries.. :p

    Liked by 2 people

  14. sulsulsimlit says:

    Maybe I just haven’t been reading closely enough before, but this is the first time that Greg’s suggestions for the restaurant have really stood out to me as something overtly negative or overbearing. Zayne’s compared him to his old boss, and his family has cautioned him against being pushed around, but… I question whether or not Zayne’s perspective is negatively biased.
    It’s hard with an unreliable narrator like Zayne; on one hand, I so much want to root for him and have him tell Greg to lay off-if the restaurant is doing well, why fix what isn’t broken, especially when it has to do with Zayne’s domain-food? At the same time, though, I wonder how much of that is Zayne being overly prideful or resistant to authority; he’s spent a lot of time in his life complying with authority, but resenting it, not agreeing with it, and then eventually rebelling against it. He’s done that with Joce, with his old boss, even in someways with Hope. And since Greg is a partner for a number of successful restaurants… he probably has some idea how to run one at this point.
    Anyway, that’s a lot of commentary, but the point is that I hope Zayne has grown up enough to negotiate diplomatically and that he doesn’t get to a point of rebellion with Greg and compromise his restaurant. I’m looking forward to seeing how it goes!

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      This was so insightful! My Rosebrooks have never been the most reliable narrators, so you bring up a great point/question here!

      Time will tell how things really are with Greg and the restaurant… we will see!

      Thanks so much for reading (and for this great comment!)

      Like

  15. lisabeesims says:

    Oh cut my heart out. I feel so sad for him going back to all of that again. I hope he takes a hold of Greg and shakes the snot out of him … anxious to hear what he decides about hope.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Helpful says:

    The Parenthood game pack has journal writing… Saved from mod malfunction..

    Liked by 1 person

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