5.55: Nothing to Lose

It’s been two months now since Hope left.

Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday, and sometimes it feels like it was a lifetime ago.

Today, it’s feeling like yesterday… And the pain feels just as fresh too. Honestly there are still some days where it hurts just as much as it did the day she left.

Usually it’s the days when I see her in a commercial on TV. Or when her face is plastered on a billboard somewhere. Or she’s on the cover of a magazine at the grocery store. Some days, it’s like I can’t escape. I see her everywhere. Vibrant and happy and beautiful… Every single time I see her face, it’s just a reminder of all we lost. Everything we left behind.

Sometimes it makes me so damn angry. It makes me wonder how she could have just left me like that. I feel like she threw everything away. Like she picked her career over me. Like our love wasn’t really enough for her. Wasn’t worth fighting for…

And other times, it just makes me sad. Guilty. How could I have treated her so terribly? How could I have ruined everything and pushed her away? She never deserved any of it. I know she didn’t. And that’s how I know she’s better off without me now.

There are still times I wanna talk to her though. I could if I really wanted to. I still have her number. We’re still friends on Facebook (even though I have all her posts hidden). But I know it’s too soon. Neither of us are ready to talk yet. Hell, maybe we never will be.

And it’s thoughts like that that still kill me.

I guess in a weird way though, even if things aren’t getting any better, they’re getting easier. I’m kind of used to the pain by now. It’s still there, but it’s not affecting me the same way it used to. I’ve been cooking again. I leave the apartment a little more than I did before… Little stuff like that. ‘Small victories’, Ur-Oma calls them. She says they’re the first steps toward the big ones.

And I’m really hoping tomorrow will be a step toward victory too…

I finally sucked it up and did it. I booked an appointment with a shrink. My first one since I was a little kid. And as much as I hate to admit it, I’m fucking terrified. Just thinking about it makes me wanna puke.

I emailed him a couple times before I made the appointment, and we talked on the phone once. He seems like he won’t be so bad, maybe. And he’s a little younger than I’d thought he was gonna be. Which I think makes it less weird. Maybe. Or weirder. I dunno.

I’m still not even sure exactly what we’re gonna talk about. I’ve never been good at talking about my feelings or any of that crap. It’s easy to write about, sure. I could make a huge list of all the shit that’s wrong with me right now. How depressed I’m feeling about Hope, how angry I am all the time, how stubborn and jealous I can be, how goddamn scared I am of letting everybody down…

God, I’m such a fucking mess. Ur-Oma was right. I have a lot of shit I need to figure out. And as much as I fucking hate it, I know I can’t do it on my own. I’ve tried. And I can’t. I just wish asking for help didn’t suck so damn much.

And until I figure out this whole therapy thing, I’ve decided to wait a little longer before I start doing anything else with the restaurant. Just a couple months or something… And this time, it’s not just some dumb excuse. I just really need to figure out how to fix myself first before I worry about anything like that. All it’s been doing is adding more stress. More shit to worry about. And I have enough of that on my own.

I just wish I could have figured that out a long time ago. Maybe things could have been different. Maybe I could have already started my restaurant by now. Maybe Hope would still be here with me. Maybe I’d actually be happy.

I can’t go back and change the past now. There’s no way for me to ever know for sure how things could have been, but I think I’ll always wonder.

Anyway, the point is that this whole thing still sucks. And I really really didn’t wanna cave and resort to seeing a shrink. But I figure it couldn’t hurt to at least try taking everybody’s advice. What’s the worst that could happen?

I mean, I already lost the love of my life.

What the hell else is there to lose?