5.55: Nothing to Lose

It’s been two months now since Hope left.

Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday, and sometimes it feels like it was a lifetime ago.

Today, it’s feeling like yesterday… And the pain feels just as fresh too. Honestly there are still some days where it hurts just as much as it did the day she left.

Usually it’s the days when I see her in a commercial on TV. Or when her face is plastered on a billboard somewhere. Or she’s on the cover of a magazine at the grocery store. Some days, it’s like I can’t escape. I see her everywhere. Vibrant and happy and beautiful… Every single time I see her face, it’s just a reminder of all we lost. Everything we left behind.

Sometimes it makes me so damn angry. It makes me wonder how she could have just left me like that. I feel like she threw everything away. Like she picked her career over me. Like our love wasn’t really enough for her. Wasn’t worth fighting for…

And other times, it just makes me sad. Guilty. How could I have treated her so terribly? How could I have ruined everything and pushed her away? She never deserved any of it. I know she didn’t. And that’s how I know she’s better off without me now.

There are still times I wanna talk to her though. I could if I really wanted to. I still have her number. We’re still friends on Facebook (even though I have all her posts hidden). But I know it’s too soon. Neither of us are ready to talk yet. Hell, maybe we never will be.

And it’s thoughts like that that still kill me.

I guess in a weird way though, even if things aren’t getting any better, they’re getting easier. I’m kind of used to the pain by now. It’s still there, but it’s not affecting me the same way it used to. I’ve been cooking again. I leave the apartment a little more than I did before… Little stuff like that. ‘Small victories’, Ur-Oma calls them. She says they’re the first steps toward the big ones.

And I’m really hoping tomorrow will be a step toward victory too…

I finally sucked it up and did it. I booked an appointment with a shrink. My first one since I was a little kid. And as much as I hate to admit it, I’m fucking terrified. Just thinking about it makes me wanna puke.

I emailed him a couple times before I made the appointment, and we talked on the phone once. He seems like he won’t be so bad, maybe. And he’s a little younger than I’d thought he was gonna be. Which I think makes it less weird. Maybe. Or weirder. I dunno.

I’m still not even sure exactly what we’re gonna talk about. I’ve never been good at talking about my feelings or any of that crap. It’s easy to write about, sure. I could make a huge list of all the shit that’s wrong with me right now. How depressed I’m feeling about Hope, how angry I am all the time, how stubborn and jealous I can be, how goddamn scared I am of letting everybody down…

God, I’m such a fucking mess. Ur-Oma was right. I have a lot of shit I need to figure out. And as much as I fucking hate it, I know I can’t do it on my own. I’ve tried. And I can’t. I just wish asking for help didn’t suck so damn much.

And until I figure out this whole therapy thing, I’ve decided to wait a little longer before I start doing anything else with the restaurant. Just a couple months or something… And this time, it’s not just some dumb excuse. I just really need to figure out how to fix myself first before I worry about anything like that. All it’s been doing is adding more stress. More shit to worry about. And I have enough of that on my own.

I just wish I could have figured that out a long time ago. Maybe things could have been different. Maybe I could have already started my restaurant by now. Maybe Hope would still be here with me. Maybe I’d actually be happy.

I can’t go back and change the past now. There’s no way for me to ever know for sure how things could have been, but I think I’ll always wonder.

Anyway, the point is that this whole thing still sucks. And I really really didn’t wanna cave and resort to seeing a shrink. But I figure it couldn’t hurt to at least try taking everybody’s advice. What’s the worst that could happen?

I mean, I already lost the love of my life.

What the hell else is there to lose?

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46 Responses to 5.55: Nothing to Lose

  1. azzywoods says:

    I sense tiny improvements. Tiny improvements!

    Liked by 5 people

  2. julyvee94 says:

    yeah things might have been different if zayne had figured all of this out sooner. But better late than never. I’m still thinking him and Hope MIGHT get back together (that’s a big might) but only after Zayne takes care of his issues.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Bugsie2016 says:

    I think we’re all proud of him taking baby steps.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Arrowleaf says:

    Yay for babysteps! He’ll figure out how to talk to the therapist with them, I’m sure. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Yay for baby steps! Hopefully he’ll be able to take more as time goes on.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. peaoorko says:

    Well, Hope kinda has to smile for her pictures. She’s probably excited for all her big jobs, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t hurting and missing you too, Buddy.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. witchazard says:

    Anti Shipper: Im glad you thought twice about having him fall for his shrink! One it’s unethical and two it’s just to overdone in reality to tarnish the beautiful storytelling of your simlit! Plus I’m still looking for the perfect Ms. Ivory so don’t be trouble I’ll find her for sure!👍😎

    Emotional: I hear Jasmine tea is very soothing he should try some or what ever kind he’s into helps me stay calm when Mama has her ‘visitors’!😝

    Lover: I’ve been told dryspells deplete a man’s skills in the bedroom! If Zayne ever feels his skills are inadequate I due offer lessons for a fee!😘

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hahaha yeah, I went with a male therapist because I know how my readers can be and they’d all be calling for him to fall for his therapist, and I so don’t wanna go there haha

      And LOL Zayne will have to try some tea, but I think he’s gonna pass on the offer for bedroom training 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  8. sonniejj says:

    I think #TeamBabySteps had to come back full force in this generation!

    It makes me sad that Zayne still thinks going to a shrink is ‘caving’. Getting the professional help you need is one of the bravest, most mature things you can do!

    Liked by 3 people

  9. sonniejj says:

    Also, is it really horribly mean of me if I’m kinda hoping Zayne will find a lovely, beautiful, fun new girl who he will be super happy and in love with, which will make Hope insanely jealous?

    I don’t hate Hope or anything, I just think she would be a super interesting bitchy character :p

    Liked by 5 people

  10. kaffepigen says:

    Acknowledging you need help is the first step towards improvement. This is going to be a good thing for him. And he gas to stop thinking “what-if”. That shit isn’t going to do anything good.

    Liked by 3 people

  11. sourocha1 says:

    Yes, Zayne! You need to get your stuff together! Finally is accepting some help! Gosh! If you know this is all wrong, it is something! I’m sure going to the shrink is going to help Zayne, but I sure hope he is not like” Huh? What are you saying about me? Just because you went to pisicology university dosen’t mean you know anything about me!”

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Haha that’s so true — I could totally picture Zayne being resistant to some things the therapist has to say! Hopefully he’ll go in with an open mind…

      Liked by 1 person

  12. audreyfld says:

    Itty bitty teeny tiny baby steps….he is only doing this because everyone told him to? He caved and called a shrink. This doesn’t bode well. But it is forward instead of backwards. I will give him that. And at least he made a decision instead of waiting for it to just magically happen. That’s good. But seriously – he needs to get his shit together or we may have another surprise heir! Can you say Charlie? I mean she has already reproduced too!!! So better watch out Zayne – your heirship is in danger.

    Is Jocelyn the only Rosebrook heir that didn’t go to therapy at some point? I guess she just moved across an ocean to deal.

    Can you tell I am ready for him to get freaky with a new hottie and make some cute red-headed nooboos that will one day need to go into intensive therapy due to the Rosebrook Curse.

    Liked by 3 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      You’ve been listening to Nooboos WitcHazard! 😮 Hahahaha I can promise that Zayne WILL be the biological father of our next heir 😛

      It’s true that Zayne caved a bit to pressure, but I think he’s trying to be as open-minded as he possibly can. He’s willing to give it a try and see if it helps him — but yes, I don’t think he’d have taken this step without a bit of pressure from his family!

      And yes, Joce is the only heir who never had therapy 😮 Though I most definitely think she could have done with some :-/

      Liked by 2 people

  13. At least he’s finally willing to move forward. The first step has to be the most excruciating, as well as the longest. Prepare yourselves, folks. We’re in for a bumpy (although not as bumpy as before) ride.
    Team #BabySteps all the way!

    To be honest, I wish Zayne takes his time healing and developing himself, absorbing all the love and support he can from his family and friends. Finding a partner can wait. Love is passion, but it’s also compassion, patience, and comprehension. He needs to love and care for himself.

    Also, I really want to shuffle Zayne’s hair and give him a hug right now. He’s earned it.

    Liked by 3 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Yeah this won’t be easy for him, but this is a good start for him! 🙂 I hope he finds some time for self love too! And he appreciates the hug! ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Paces underwater in scuba gear…
    Okay so here’s how it’s going to go shipmates. Zayne needs our support here. We need to get this shrink to help him. Get him to start up that Restaurant of his. Hire out someone for ads that includes a model. *nods head and rubs gloved hands* Yes, yes this could work. This could patch our ship. Okay, now shipmates get to work. This ship won’t fix itself! Get me the duct tape!!!

    Liked by 3 people

  15. lisabeesims says:

    Fingers crossed for you Zayne

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Jes2G says:

    Agreed, Brat Prince. Good choice.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. I’m glad he’s seeing a shrink. I’ve only been saying this every day since he was sixteen!!

    First comes shrink, then comes healing. Last comes restaurant.

    No wait, last comes getting the love of his life back! I wish he’d stop talking like they were done forever. Where’s the talk of him getting her back one day when he fixes his shit??

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hahaha Zayne is not in a place right now where he wants to get his hopes up for reconciliation. He’s trying to move forward with his life without feeling like he’s doing all this to win her back. He’s just focusing on improving himself and finding happiness 🙂 I don’t think the two of them left things super open, so he’s taking it as “it’s over” right now… maybe for the best, I think!

      Liked by 1 person

  18. skcaga6 says:

    That last sentence…. I’m going to only say that.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. theplumbob says:

    Perhaps one of these days there will be a Rosebrook that will not require a therapist. Until then, maybe they should just set up a family account or something – they have to be getting some kind of discount at this rate 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  20. zombiegums says:

    I believe in Zayne. It sucks that he seems to be ashamed that he’s seeking out help, but I can empathise. It’ll be worth it in the end, though.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I’m so glad you have faith in my boy! 🙂 (And you are getting closer and closer to catching up! You’re fast!)

      Like

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