5.53: Why Bother?

It’s already been nearly three weeks, and it hasn’t gotten any easier.

I took down all the pictures of us together. I thought that would help, y’know? I shoved them all in a box in the back of my closet… But that doesn’t stop me from still seeing her. All the damn time. Everywhere I look.

Sometimes I still find little things she left behind — a stray bobby pin or hair tie. A bottle of nail polish. Some half-empty lotion or perfume. The stupidest little shit that shouldn’t even matter. But every single one of them is just another reminder that she’s not here anymore. And it kills me.

It’s so fucking pathetic, but I can’t even jack off anymore without feeling miserable. Sometimes I even end up crying afterward.

God, that’s humiliating, isn’t it? But I just can’t help it. I think about her the whole time — the way she smells, the way she tastes, the way she feels, the way she made ME feel — and I end up missing her so damn much.

And every morning when I wake up, I still expect to see her lying next to me. And when she isn’t, it’s a fucking punch in the gut all over again.

I just don’t know how I’m ever gonna move past this. Maybe I never will.

I swear to God I’m trying though.

Like I said, I took down all the pictures of us. I packed up some stuff she’s given me and shoved those in the closet too. I didn’t have the heart to unfriend her on Facebook, but I deleted my messenger app. I can’t even stand seeing her online. Every time I do, I wanna talk to her… But I know that’s such a bad idea.

I just wish my family realized that talking to me right now is a bad idea too. Tante Joce and grandpa keep hounding me all the time — asking me how I am, offering to ‘talk’ or give me advice that I didn’t even ask for. I haven’t been by the house since Hope left, and they haven’t tried breaking down my door yet, thank God. But they keep calling. Like, almost every day. And I wish they’d just leave me alone.

Dom, Remi, and Charlie have been a little more persistent. And by “persistent” I mean “showing up unannounced and being annoying as fuck”… But I’ve gotta admit that some days, it does help a little to have them around.

Dom’s probably been the least helpful out of everyone though. He keeps going on about ‘being on the rebound’ and offering to be my wingman so I can find some girl to bang. But he doesn’t get it. Sleeping around isn’t gonna do shit to make me feel better. I don’t want to have sex with anyone right now. And it’d just be humiliating anyway… I mean, if I can’t even jack off without turning into a sobbing mess, imagine if I tried to have sex with someone. I’m not gonna put some poor girl through that. No fucking way!

Remi’s always been an “out of sight, out of mind” type of guy – so he’s been all about trying to get me doing things Hope was never into. Playing video games, going to the arcade, watching sci-fi movies, stuff like that. And… actually, that’s been helping more than anything else. Especially going over to his and Layla’s place instead of hanging around the apartment.

But it’s only a temporary fix. A few fleeting hours of happiness. As soon as I get back to the apartment, I’m back to wanting to curl up into a ball and never talk to anyone ever again.

And then there’s Charlie. She and Hope actually became pretty good friends over the past few years, so this whole thing has really been bumming her out too. I can tell. But she tries really hard not to show it whenever I talk to her. Instead, she’s been trying to be all encouraging. “Throw yourself into working on the restaurant”, she keeps saying. “This is your chance to turn this into something good.”

As if it’s actually that easy! It’s not. At all.

Some days, I try to do what she says. Back when Hope and I were on our “break”, I finally sent that email to my old boss, and we’ve been talking back and forth a little bit since then, even after Hope left. She’s actually been giving me some decent advice, much as I hate to admit it. I guess asking for help wasn’t the worst thing in the world after all. Not this time, at least.

But I haven’t really done anything with the advice yet. I just haven’t felt like it. It’s like… what’s the point anymore? Know what I mean?

Don’t get me wrong — I’ve been dreaming of having my own restaurant for a long time now… But that was when I had Hope here with me. Pushing me. Supporting me. Believing in me.

Then everything went to shit.

I screwed everything up because I was a jealous fucking coward. And Hope… Well, she didn’t make things any better either, really. It turned into such a huge mess.

She was right — we really were holding each other back. And that’s what Charlie keeps saying too. She keeps trying to convince me that this can finally be my chance. And I get what they’re trying to say. But I just can’t find the motivation to do it anymore.

It’s like I can’t win no matter what I do. Having Hope here made me feel so pressured and afraid. Insecure. Jealous. It was eating away at me. It made it so damn hard to be brave enough to move forward.

But now that she’s not hereWhy even bother? There’s no point anymore. She was everything to me.  And without her… Well, is anything worth it anymore?

Anyway, needless to say, things fucking suck right now. And the worst part is, I know it’s my own damn fault. But there’s nothing I can do to change the past now, no matter how much I want to.

So that’s pretty much my life now. I put up with Dom and Remi and Charlie when I have to. I avoid Tante Joce and grandpa like the plague. I eat takeout every night because it’s too damn depressing cooking for just me. I try to convince myself there’s a reason for getting out of bed in the morning.

And I keep hoping that someday things will be better.

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54 thoughts on “5.53: Why Bother?

  1. It will be OKAY Zayne, just keeping trying and putting on that brave face. Go out, and have fun but work on that restaurant too.

    That was a painful but excellent chapter! I feel like you really portrayed exactly what he’s feeling right now. I hope he can get past this pain and move forwards, don’t let it be in vain. He’s better than that, and yeah, he’s down but sometimes pain is a good thing. Pain inspires you to try harder, to do better and to learn. I believe in him. He can do this.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I appreciate the optimism! I think one of the biggest issues right now is he’s sitting there expecting things to get better on their own… but like you said, he should be moving forward and trying harder and learning from his experience (but this is Zayne, so… 😂). I am torn between wanting to hug him and smack him right now… maybe both is what he needs 😛

      Thanks for reading!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Don’t worry Zayne, you’ll get out of your funk soon. Charlie is right about this being your chance but I think you deserve to bask in your pity party for the moment. Don’t get carried away though because you still don’t have a job and Hope’s not around to pay the bills anymore and I know you don’t want to go back to your teen apartment days practically starving trying to make ends meet. That restaurant venture might be just the thing to help you move forward. It may not seem worth it without Hope but it will give you something to focus on and you need something else to focus on instead of Hope and what could have been.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Very insightful advice for Zayne here! Thanks, Eddie! And you make such a great point about the fact that Hope isn’t around to pay for things anymore, so he needs to get something going soon if he doesn’t wanna start dipping into his inheritance… we’ll see what happens!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I feel so bad for Zayne and I feel his pain. I have hopes that he’ll get out of this mess soon. Don’t mess around because Hope is not around to pay for your things, so it’s best he gets moving because the clock is ticking and things don’t get better if he just does nothing about it. He should’ve listened to Hope in the first place about the restaurant. In terms of his current eating habits, he better lay off that takeout because it’s unhealthy and it makes him fatter. I understand he’s not in the mood to cook and his funds are tight. In other words, I have faith and HOPE that Zayne’s life will improve. It takes action, not just words, for it to happen.

    He should listen to this song. It’s called Without You by the Dixie Chicks. I’ve listened to it numerous times and it’s perfect for him. I’ll provide a link: https://youtu.be/c1htk7CUvWg

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks for sharing that song! I’ll have to give it a listen! 🙂 and I appreciate your faith in Zayne. I hope he turns things around… he HAS to. Right?

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Charmer: Dude TMI I don’t need to know hose kind of things we get it! Moody and horny is a bad combo. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say here. I’ve never done the whole mutual breakup thing I always end things first cause for some reason the world doesn’t have enough people who meet my minimum expectations! I can’t lower the bar anymore a guy needs standards. But from what I heard from the other WitcHazards Citizen can’t torture you for much longer. Give it five or so more gaiters ten tips you life will at least turn 90 degrees in the right direction just keep you head up!👍

    Anti Shipper: Yes fall deeper into despair! Now go to a bar get drunk see a drunk woman there barely managing to walk help her to a taxi look down see that she dropped something go home come back in the morning to drop it off see the girl from last night who when not in a drunk frenzy is gorgeous! She offers to thank him with a cup of coffee. They meet up a couple times start talking business become partners and then work their way up to becoming thoroughly involved with eacthothers “assets”!😋

    Charmer: You’re not gonna let this go until there’s evidence that proves otherwise aren’t you?😒

    Liked by 2 people

  5. OMG – I laughed so hard when he whined about crying after he jacked off! That is probably the ONLY thing he has done to make himself feel better! He is a hot mess! I understand him feeling horrible and can empathize with his pity party. He lost the best thing that ever happened to him due to his own ridiculous pride and jealousy and he knows it! Recipe for depression and feelings of no self worth.

    I wonder how far down he will have to sink before he actually does something to move his life forward or someone forcibly intervenes. I am thinking we have a few deaths looming (Mari and even Mark) and that might be what it takes to shake him out of his destructive and apathetic behavior pattern and get him to realize life is too short to sit around moping and waiting for it to magically get better.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I know 😂😂😂 It’s so freaking pathetic. A combo of hysterical and just plain SAD. I couldn’t resist mentioning that, because it’s just so… ZAYNE. Lmao. He really is a freaking mess right now. He is falling into a depression for sure!

      We’ll see what kind of “push” it takes… like you said, it’s likely that either he has to fall further and have something more drastic happen, or he needs a legit intervention/come-to-Jesus conversation haha We’ll have to see what ends up actually happening though…

      Like

  6. I definitely noticed some depressive symptoms in Zayne, and given his personality and his traumatic past, I really hope he takes some steps to make sure he doesn’t spiral into a deep depression.

    That said, three weeks isn’t enough to get over someone who you’ve loved for four years. Give it time, Zayne! Focus on yourself and your future and things will get better.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. He is definitely falling into a depression right now… but hopefully it’s just temporary :-/

      Definitely true that it’ll take a lot more than three weeks for him to get over Hope. But he definitely has to start being more proactive to make himself feel better 😦

      Like

  7. Damn Zayne, you’ve got to get back in the game 😦 hanging around your apartment, moping, isn’t gonna help. You said it yourself: hope wasn’t making things better for you, though i have to disagree on that. That you said too! She believed in you… Now show her that wasn’t a mistanke!

    Liked by 2 people

  8. A decent rule of thumb about breakups is one month of moping for each year you were together. You can’t just cut 4+ years out of your life! It gets better, but not that quickly. Grieve, sure. Have an existential crisis if you feel like it. But feeling like you have to bounce back immediately is just a good recipe for depression.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This is a great point! Things aren’t gonna get better overnight. Zayne is just foolish and naive as always XD Hopefully things will improve in time!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. Note to Zayne: Sometimes life is shit and all you want to do is sit in your room and waste time. That’s not good. Even if you’re not ready to get right back into your goal of the restaurant, do some other things. Visit your family. Take a walk. Cook a meal. It sounds cheesy, but simple things like that can make you feel better.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. This is so true! Like he said, the thing helping the most is when he spends time with Remi. He needs to get out more and try to do things that takes his mind off his pain right now.

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      1. Yeah. He definitely shouldn’t be expected to start doing the restaurant again, because that’s hard enough even when one is not veering dangerously close to depression, but simple things should help! Hang in there Zayne.

        Liked by 1 person

    1. OMG 😂 I’m dying. Zayne is glad to help expand your vocabulary… This chapter was a real ‘tearjerker’, wasn’t it? 😉 (you can use jack and jerk interchangeably when talking about male alone time 😉 More learning! Hahahahahaha!)

      Liked by 2 people

  10. Zayne is a wallower, that’s for certain. I’m glad he’s starting to see that he and Hope just weren’t a good match anymore.

    Maybe once he gets out of this funk, be can do some work on his restaurant, and himself.

    Then when it’s time to get back out there, he’ll be ready got a real adult relationship.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Definitely a wallower, especially after losing pretty much the best thing in his life (and knowing it was his own fault!). Hopefully things can take a turn for the better soon!

      Liked by 1 person

  11. So like, on one hand, I want to pat him on the shoulder and say “There, there, Brat Prince. Take a moment to grieve your loss.” Buuuuuuuuuuut, he’s had ALL the time in the world to wallow in self-pity (to borrow CeCe’s word) and play the “woe is me” card, so, on the other hand, I want to slap him in the back of the head and yell GET IT TOGETHER drill sergeant style lol.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are AMAZING! Oh my GOD. I have never had anyone binge this story in ONE day before! What time did you start rading? I need to know haha. This is one for the record books!

      (and YES Zayne blew it 😥 ugh)

      Like

      1. Well, it took me about ten hours all together, so much work but I’m excited that I’ve found another legacy that I can keep up with and don’t have to find it on the last chapter (almost the case with the Bloomer legacy if I’m honest, which took me about fourteen hours to finish, not counting in between breaks) but when you’ve got a lot of free time on your hands, my favorite hobbies are to read, write, or play. I’m excited to see Zaynes future, will he find someone new, or is hope really The One?? Gah, I’m so excited

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Thank you so much, Gil! 😀 I’m SO excited that you loved my story so much and read it so quickly (though GOD what an emotional rollercoaster that must have been hahaha) Thank you for reading ❤

          Liked by 1 person

          1. It was a GIGANTIC emotional rollercoaster, I’m pretty sure i just curled into a ball in my chair a couple times to cry, and get so mad at some of them for doing things YOU can obviously tell are wrong, but THEY can’t. And im really excited to see how they all turn out, along with the future kids!

            Liked by 1 person

  12. You can cry, you can mourn, you can regret. You can miss someone or resent them. You can even throw a pity party (the shorter the better). Feeling sad or angry is okay. It’s normal. But you have to move on eventually. Everyone else will. You get up, dry your tears and continue your life.

    Hard work is key, my friend, and I’m not just talking about the restaurant. Do you want to get over your past? Fix your mistakes? Do you want your life to get better? You work hard. You work hard to make yourself better and you work hard to let in the people who love you. You work hard to love yourself. Work hard to think about others and what they feel like. How do you affect them? What is your role in their life?
    It’s going to be as difficult as it can get, but the more you get into it, the more you will appreciate it and the more you will deserve it.

    Mourn what you’ve lost, then learn from your mistakes and move on.
    How?
    You. Work. Hard.

    As they say: “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…”

    P.S.: I swear I have become the Rosebrook counselor. Every single time I comment I feel the need to channel my inner therapist. For some unreasonable reason, I can’t just leave a quick smartass message. Nope, I have to go and analyze every damned detail. WTF Rosebrooks?! W T F!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Loved this! Zayne really needs to hear it!

      And I appreciate that my Rosebrooks seem to have a legion of therapists waiting to help them out! 😉 Love it! (Though yes, “WTF Rosebrooks?!” Could probably be the story’s catchphrase at this point 😂)

      Liked by 1 person

  13. Just like someone said las time, Zaine has to find the inner strength for himself only…that’s one of the problems of reliving or making everything, for one person, once they are out of their life’s, there is no meaning of it, for some people…but, hey, Zaine, you lived your hole life without Hope, you can surely go back! And your relatives are trying the best.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I just have this feeling that something else is going to happen sending Zayne into a deeper spiral. I mean this is the Rosebrook Legacy…there’s gotta be more drama just lurking around the corner somewhere. 😉 I could be totally wrong, though, because before this chapter came out, I thought, “oh, he’s totally going to man-whore himself” but nahhh.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahaha you thought he’d turn into Mari 2.0? Well… actually, they’re a lot alike in many ways, so maybe not impossible haha

      Like

  15. Last two chapters have been excellent!! The previous one with Hope saying goodbye and the both of them spending one last night together was so beautifully written!! Even when you love someone deeply it doesn’t necessarily mean they are the right person for you, or in this case, I think they both realised they were holding each other back. Hope has a bright future and she want’s that, and good for her. Zayne suffers from a lot insecurities and he needs to deal with them, and he knows that too. At least he’s come a place in himself were he can recognise when he’s at fault, sees the truth of a situation. Now all he needs to do is find a good place in himself, find an inner strength. It makes perfect sense that he’d still be grieving. It’s only been three weeks! It’ll take him months, maybe years, because do you ever really forget your first love?

    I hang out for these chapters!!! I’m so dying to find out what is going to happen next with Zayne. How long will it take for him to get out of his current funk? Will he get worse? Will he ever start up a restaurant? Pity they didn’t have pets in the Sims 4, because I think he could do with one 🙂

    I can’t wait for the next chapter!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks crstasse 🙂 I’m really glad you’ve enjoyed these last couple of chapters (even if they aren’t the most uplifting hahaha)

      I love the idea of Zayne having a pet — darn you, EA! I’d love for my Rosebrooks to have pets someday (I think they could all do with a therapy animal 😂) Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts!

      Like

      1. Been reading silently and enjoying it… just wanted to say there’s a forum discussion question right there! What would each character’s therapy animal be?

        Liked by 1 person

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