5.52: No Going Back

It’s over.

It’s really over.

Who the hell was I kidding? How could I be such a fucking idiot? Did I really think meeting with Dom again or emailing my old boss would be enough to win Hope back? Our problems go so much deeper than that.

We talked about it a lot when she got back from San Myshuno. When she called and said she wanted to talk to me, I just knew what was coming. I could feel it. But I didn’t wanna believe it. I headed over to the apartment ready to lay it all on the line for her. Tell her how I was feeling. How serious I was about proving myself to her…

But I never even got a chance.

“We’re holding each other back,” Hope told me. “Can’t you see that?”

I tried to argue at first. I mean, I couldn’t just sit there and give up, could I? How could I let her do that to us? I had to keep fighting. She hadn’t even given me a chance to prove that I can change!

But Hope just kept shaking her head, no matter what I told her. She didn’t even say anything.

She just cried and cried.

And then I did too.

Because I knew she was absolutely right.

We can’t do this to each other anymore.

But that doesn’t make this any easier. It still doesn’t feel real. Just thinking about it kills me. It kills me.

Hope broke up with me. For real this time.

And at the end of the month, she’s moving back to San Myshuno.

It’s over. Forever.

And there’s no going back.


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61 Responses to 5.52: No Going Back

  1. Senna says:

    Well, Zayne, it’s kind of your own damn fault for dragging your feet the way you’ve been doing until now.

    I’m not saying that Hope is entirely in the right here, but she had the best of intentions with her pushing and such. Zayne was just being a lazy prick.

    And given how horrifically nasty and selfish he can be…He really is Puke and Hack-zel’s kid, isn’t he?

    (Yeah, it’s going to take me quite some time before I stop hardcore hating on those two, sorry :/ )

    Liked by 1 person

  2. audreyfld says:

    Wow. Well, it certainly makes sense that she would leave. 😥Will this spur Zayne to take control of his life and make positive changes or will this cause him to spiral into a real depression? I hope the former. I wonder if they will ever reconcile or if there will be someone else for him.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      That’s a great question. Honestly, it could go either way right now… :-/ I think the breakup makes sense too (I mean, I wrote it, after all! Haha) but it still hurts 😦 This is the most painful breakup I’ve ever written haha

      Thank you for reading, Audrey!

      Like

  3. witchazard says:

    Dream Sequence

    Captain Anti Shipper: Go forth men pillage this ship until there’s nothing left! Fill this ship with the blood of its believers! See that men I smell victory!

    Random crewman: Captain what do you want us to do prisoners? (Brings forth Zayne and Hope)

    Captain Anti Shipper: Let’s bring them to the decks!

    Brings them in front of the ship’s crew members and passengers!

    Captain Anti Shipper: This is what happens when you believe in lies! Now let me bring you to realty with the edge of my blade! (Cuts off Zayne and Hope’s head. Then raises them high)

    Captain Anti Shipper: VICTORY!!!!!!!! (Pirate crew scream for joy)

    End Dream Sequence

    Reality

    Anti Shipper: Holding two decapitated teddy bear heads shouting victory!

    Emotional: But those were my favorite teddies!

    Mama: It’s okay sweetie there in a better place now, a way better place than Shipper.

    Shipper: Give me (hiccup) another boy!

    Charmer: For the last time I’m not a bartender and that’s your third bottle of wine!

    Lover: Fifth!

    Charmer: Where’s the other?

    Lover: Roled under the table!

    Loud wailing sounds can be heard! Darks speaking to a fedal positioned Nooboos

    Dark: Its going to be fine Nooboos you’ll see!

    Nooboos: But what about my Hozay nooboos! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!

    Charmer: Here this ought to perk you up. Hands Nooboos a glass of wine.

    Lady: Charmer don’t Nooboos can’t handle even small doses of alcohol!

    Nooboos throws wine glass!

    Nooboos: Somebody’s (hiccups) going to pay (hiccup) for this! Citizen (hiccups) I’m coming for you passes out on the floor.

    Yes! I’m back baby! Did you miss me? Who am I kidding of course you did! My health is atleast 85% my phone and laptop aren’t confiscated anymore and schools as good as done. Now I have to catch up on all my other stories it’s going to be a long weekend but I’ll handle it like a boss😎

    Liked by 3 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Haha I’d wondered where you were! Glad to see you and your crazy comments back 😛 My apologies to Emotional, Shipper, and Nooboos! 😦

      Like

  4. shamanarza says:

    *sniffs air* I smell character development! Break one heart, separate and beat the whites until stiff peaks form. Add salt. Broil under high heat.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. crstasse says:

    I sometimes have a bad tendency to read the chapters and not review! Sorry about that. I’ve kind of saw this coming. At the end of the last chapter I got the feeling that Hope would break of this relationship. i guess it’s called reevaluating. Both of them need to find what matters the most to them. I think Zayne does see that but his insecurities (despite him realizing that) do get the better of him. I felt more for Zayne than Hope in this chapter. She’s kind of seen it for what is is, or rather, what she thinks is more important. And as much as Zayne might have acted like a jerk at times, he also had some valid points. If Hope is not willing to let go of the big lights and success she certainly isn’t ready to settle down and start a family. Whereas I do think Zayne is. Even if his restaurant isn’t up and happening yet. Which makes me think there is someone else out there for him?
    I’m most curious to see what happens next!! Will Zayne get past this? Will he finally get his restaurant up and running Will Hope realize that her job can only go for so long before she’s washed up and what then?
    I seriously do not know who is the most selfish here? I actually think that perhaps they both equally are.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Thanks so much for this comment, crstasse! Don’t feel bad about not always commenting! I definitely love it when you do though 🙂

      This is a really insightful comment, and I agree that they’re both selfish/immature in different ways, and seem to want different things right nkw… and that has proved to be their downfall 😦

      You’re right that there could be someone else out there for Zayne! That’s definitely looking like a big possibility at this point. Though if their paths cross again in the future, who knows? Everything is wide open at this point… but for now, it’s extremely upsetting for both of them 😦

      Like

  6. Jes2G says:

    *pats Zayne on shoulder*
    “There, there, Brat Prince. When you’re finished crying, please get up and DO something.”
    Who knows…she’s not leaving immediately…

    Liked by 5 people

  7. misfit913 says:

    Even though Hope speaks the truth, this is still sad to see. It always seemed like they were meant to be. But, I guess if they are, then something will work out. I’d still personally like to see them back together.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Arrowleaf says:

    My prediction: There will be a montage of chapters that will show Zayne’s life improving over the years – with or without another girl – and then in the future Hope will run into him again. She’s older and isn’t a model anymore – or is a model still and is having a hard time with her career because of her age – and now Zayne is the one with his life together. Like they switched places, almost.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. sulsulsimlit says:

    Ugh, this breaks my heart. I love them together, despite their problems – but I knew they couldn’t be happy in this legacy for long XP. I’m actually proud of Hope – maybe it’s selfish for her to want to prioritize her career, but I rather think she’s made the mature decision. It sucks, especially from Zayne’s perspective, but love isn’t everything. The thing I love about this chapter is that Zayne seems like he’s kind of starting to see that. I was worried there would be a lot of dramatics, chasing after Hope, begging to get her back (I mean, who knows, maybe there will be), but for now he seems to have reached a place of sad acceptance – very mature compared to his other life choices. Hopefully there’s a snowball effect with that maturity and he can finally start doing what needs doing!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Erin says:

      If these two don’t end up together is there any way we can do an heir swap? I think I’d rather keep up with Hope’s future than Zayne’s 🙂

      As always, I love your story, no matter what dark paths you take us down. Can’t wait for the next post!

      Like

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I couldn’t agree more with this comment haha. Everything you said is true! I have always loved them together as well, but this was the right decision for them at this time. And yes, Zayne is being way more mature about this than one might expect haha. He may be a stubborn, jealous. hot-headed jerk sometimes, but he’s not blind to reality either. He can see the truth, even though this hurts so much 😦

      Like

  10. Bugsie2016 says:

    For once I feel they made the right decision so instead of my usual long rant letter i’ll try something different even though I was looking forward to writing another rant, (maybe tomorrow).
    One for each of them:

    Dear Zayne,
    You should use this breakup to come to realise that you only really realise what you have until you lose it. You should accept the breakup and try and find a better person for you. But you must be willing to make sacrifices for the person you love and accept them for themselves. You both did the right thing by breaking up as now you aren’t drowning in all the unhappyness of the relationship. Realise all of this and the next person you find could be the person you spend the rest of your life with.

    Now for suggestions on what you should do through the mourning period of the breakup. Talk to your Great Grandmother, Mari, she experienced something similar with a guy called Diego. She won;t be around for much longer so take avantage of the time you have with her and ask for advice. Maybe, talk to you grandfather, he had some relationship problems. Not the same ones but they were similar. Use it as an excuse to buy a ton of ingredients and practise those recipes you’ve been meaning to do. Start on that restaurant, as you need some way to make money to pay for rent. Maybe write a song, I mean your dad was a song writer maybe you inherited it. Distract yourself with something new and DON’T just go back into dating a woman, you will make a lot of mistakes that way and might end up more upset in the long run.

    DON’T give up on life. DO keep moving forward, see this as life guiding you to something better.

    From Bugsie2016

    Dear Hope,
    You did the right thing breaking up with Zayne, you know deep down that it would not work right now. Keep going with your career and don’t look back. You will be upset when you leave Germany but it is for the better. Find yourself a guy who can accept you but be willing to make some sacrifices on your part. A good relationship is based on trust and you should be willing to tell them what to expect and not do anything that could make them think you are lying to them, as trust will breakdown.I can’t really say much else apart from DON’T jump into another relationship and take it slowly, you are young you have plenty of time for it, even if you believe they are the love of your life. You thought this with Zayne and it didn’t work out, you don’t want to find yourself in this position again.Be careful

    From Bugsie2016

    The reason Zayne’s is longer than Hope’s is I know about Zayne’s family past and can explain that he isn’t alone. Hope you enjoyed my less rant style letters today but if I need to tomorrow there will be more ranting.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Brass Buckles says:

    Thank goodness. They both needed to grow up, but most especially Zayne. And Zayne wasn’t ever going to do anything with his life unless something like this happened. He was just going to become more and more resentful.

    Is it bad that I don’t feel sorry for either of them? I’m actually pretty glad for Hope at this point. As long as she doesn’t start getting into bad situations with her career, she’s golden now. Maybe she could even take the plunge into acting in the near future? Who knows?

    And Zayne… once he pushes past his depression from the breakup, will probably come to realize that he can’t sit on his hands forever. Maybe he’ll finally start up that restaurant, and maybe he’ll actually get somewhere with it. Maybe he’ll grow up enough to realize that being a man is more about accepting responsibility than pretending he doesn’t have any emotions.

    It might seem horrible for me to say so, but I don’t even care whether they ever get together again or not. We know there will be children–if not theirs, then one of Zayne’s relatives. All I care about is that both Zayne and Hope grow up a bit and are ultimately happy. Even if they’re happily single, or happy with someone other than one another, that counts!

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hahaha I’m glad you’re rooting for both of them to be happy, whether together or apart! I think this breakup has the potential to be very good for both of them, you’re right!

      Though I still feel sorry for them — breaking up with someone when you’re still in love has got to be incredibly painful (thankfully I haven’t had to experience it myself! I’d hate to be in either one of their shoes right now 😦 but hopefully their misery wont’ last too long for either of them!)

      Like

      • Brass Buckles says:

        I don’t feel sorry for them because for one, Zayne brought this on them. Sure, Hope made her mistakes… but Zayne’s jealousy and antagonism were ultimately the cause. It was unhealthy, no matter how “in love” they were. But truth told, it didn’t look like love to me with all the anger and resentment that were present in the relationship.

        And for two, both of them can now move on and do better. Hope especially needed to distance herself from that train wreck, but by letting Zayne treat her the way he did, she also enabled that behavior. Not saying Zayne’s actions are her fault, and Hope’s are definitely not Zayne’s. But like I said before… Although I never tried to make Ex Boyfriend jealous, I did push him away. And I did it for a reason–he’d started to get too pushy and I was deeply uncomfortable. I had no idea how to articulate that and was too afraid of offending him (especially since he was also my best friend at the time) to speak up. Hope was doing the same thing, which means she was deeply unhappy and she already knew what she wanted. And what she wanted was out of that relationship. And she’s just as much better off out of her relationship with Zayne (maybe more so, for the sake of her emotional health) as I am without Ex Boyfriend, especially in light of some of the things he had said that should’ve alarmed me at the time. But I digress.

        It’s hard for me to feel bad for characters who both genuinely need to get out of a relationship with one another. Again… I don’t even see their relationship as loving (yeah I know you intended it as such, but with the name-calling and manipulation, I saw it as at the very least unhealthy and at the worst emotionally abusive–not all abuse involves hitting someone, and that last argument was straight up in abuse territory). It had gotten to the point where Hope couldn’t even properly do her job without Zayne flipping out on her. And no, even if she’s doing some racy poses for a porn magazine, she shouldn’t have to ask Zayne’s permission. It’s her job to pose for pictures, and her decision which ones to pose for. Warning him what he’s likely to see is a courtesy, not a requirement–and if she’d told him anything, he probably still would have flipped out over it and the argument would’ve just happened sooner. She was his girlfriend, not his possession. Maybe now he’ll understand that better.

        They were affectionate “at times,” but that doesn’t make up for all the arguing and fighting and how miserable they were both becoming. They’re both mid-20s or maybe approaching 30 if I remember right; honestly they should already have grown up. But they both have growing up to do despite their age.

        You’ve said before that most of your characters’ issues come from their selfishness. In this case, I think there’s a degree of pride involved, more so than selfishness. Zayne is too proud to ask for help, and too afraid his pride will be hurt by failure to actually take steps to make his restaurant happen. He’s too proud to accept it when Hope defends his efforts to her family. And they are both too proud to communicate about their issues and insecurities. Or maybe they just aren’t mature enough to know how to talk about it. Maybe they don’t quite know how to articulate what they want to say–every time they try they just end up arguing more. Either way, I can only think the breakup will be to both of their benefit in the long run.

        Like

        • CitizenErased14 says:

          I respect your opinions and thank you for sharing them 🙂 You will not like today’s chapter at all haha but I hope you like the ones to come after! Thanks for reading 🙂

          Like

  12. Simslover163 says:

    *takes deep breaths*
    *consoles Zayne*
    *lashes at Zayne*
    *goes and consoles Hope*
    *Sides with Hope*

    Another sunken ship. These ships sink for good reasons and I don’t blame you, Citizen. I know Hope speaks the truth, but this is so sad to see! With Hope leaving him, Zayne needs to mature and get in the program. He’s so selfish, that he’s a male version of Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (if you’ve watched this and read the book). I hope he’ll realize that he’s a seflish, vain, spoiled brat. I’ve been on Hope’s side since the drama between them started. I was kind of expecting them to break up at one point.

    *prays breakup is temporary*

    Like

  13. peaoorko says:

    Thinking this was the right decision doesnt’t make me any less sad. Well, for now it really seems to be they’ll be better off, I just Hope Zayne will see it too. It was a very painful, but great and realistic arc. I still really love Hozay, so ofc I’d welcome their reunion, but if this is it- I’m satisfied.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Thanks, peaoorko! I’m glad you’re satisfied (but I also understand that you’re sad… so am I!) Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts, as always ❤

      Like

  14. peaoorko says:

    Lol, I just hope*

    Liked by 1 person

  15. sourocha1 says:

    Oh, well…if it was meant to happen…who knows? They might get back some other day…I thing it rather how things got to this point form a simple thing…buterfly effect allllll the way! And don’t worry Zayne, you need time to heal, and to get your stuff together…knowing is the right thing to do might help, but ending a relationship is never easy…And it dosen’t help that they aren’t ending because there is no love, but rather that is isn’t enought to hold then together…or perhabs is that is that if you balance it, it isn’t worth it? Who know…( wait the writer knows!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Yeah, the fact that they’re still in love makes it so much harder 😦 And yes, the writer knows all! 😉 Hehehe

      Like

  16. I’ll have to come back and read these comments properly later. But… sigh… I was still on board with this ship and I can’t imagine things ending this way.

    It makes perfect sense that it would end this way, but still.

    Hey, I know! If she could move to Windenburg for him, he could move to San Myshuno for her! Big showy display of commitment like a 1980’s movie oughta fix it all up, right…?

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hahahaha something tells me that won’t cut it, unfortunately :-/ And yeah, this hurts a lot… but Hope just couldn’t take it anymore. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

      • Brass Buckles says:

        And Hope shouldn’t have taken it anymore. That last argument with Zayne putting down her work and the name-calling… that was firmly in emotional abuse territory. He knew it wasn’t true, but he said it. Doesn’t matter that he was angry–that’s the excuse so many abusers use. “If only you’d warned me first.” “I was just angry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it!” “I can do better!” Please. He just would’ve gotten angry sooner if she’d warned him. And if she’d stuck around, she’d have had another job come up that would have made him just as angry. Or he’d get infuriated at her for seeming too flirty when she spoke with another man. Or… any number of scenarios might have set him off. Not only does jealousy like that get tiresome, it can also cause a person to become extremely controlling. If Hope had stuck around, Zayne would’ve continued down that path or done even worse. Sure, maybe they could have done counseling or something, but I think this is better for both of them.

        Showy displays of affection shouldn’t work even if they are used. What will work is time, maturity, and perhaps therapy for Zayne. Hope has made mistakes, but Zayne outright has issues that he needs to work through. And he needs to respect whoever he’s with more than he has respected Hope during the present relationship. Yes, even if it’s Hope, he needs to give her more respect than he did before.

        Of course the question is, will either of them even be able to trust one another after this? Because trust and respect are the tenets of a good relationship. If they can’t have both, then they are better off finding love with someone else.

        And yet I still hope they can heal and find their happy endings, even if, as I said before, it isn’t with one another.

        Like

  17. julyvee94 says:

    Oh no 😦 I saw this coming but it still makes me so sad.

    Honestly I don’t see how Hope was Holding Zayne back. I think it was just an excuse of her to make herself feel better about breaking up. As if she was doing it for HIM. I think Zayne’s gonna go down a slippery slope of Depression now and never get his Restaurant done… But yeah he also kinda brought it on hinself because he was being lazy and an ass.

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Haha Hope was holding him back in a less direct way — Her pushing him all the time was making him feel even more pressured and discouraged and hindered him a lot. Plus him comparing himself to her all the time, didn’t really help either… so it was kind of indirect haha

      Liked by 1 person

  18. sonniejj says:

    “We can’t do this to each other anymore.”

    Ironically, that’s the most mature thing I’ve ever heard/read Zayne say.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. lisabeesims says:

    Booo hisss … sadness … go run to her right now Zayne … hold up and tell her it’s all going to be all right get her back for pizza cake (I actually said for Petes Sake but Pizza cake was so funny I thought to leave it)

    Liked by 1 person

  20. addbratlove225 says:

    Okay, now I’m irritated with both of them. If you love each other, you make things work.

    Liked by 1 person

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