5.51: Timeline

Happy Easter, everyone! I decided to go ahead and post a chapter today anyway (especially since I’m traveling tomorrow). So whenever you end up reading this, Happy Easter (if you celebrate) and thanks for reading!

This is a shot I took AGES ago to be a family photo, but it seems rather fitting for today (and a nice throwback!) 😉 Happy Easter from the Kleins!

————————————————————-

I fucked it all up. I fucked up so bad. Worse than I ever have before.

And it’s too late to take it back.

It was already more than a week ago, but this is the first time I’ve really tried writing about it. I guess it was just too hard or something.

It all started when Hope showed me the pictures from her Vogue spread.  It was her shoot with Franciso San Martín… The one last month in San Myshuno. The one on my birthday. She’s been talking about it ever since — she was so excited about it. It’ll probably be the most important job of her whole career, and I should have been happy for her.

But the second I saw those pictures, I just lost it.

She was topless in almost all of them, and I was so not prepared for that. Hope’s never done a shoot like that — ever. And instead of thinking about how gorgeous she looked or how exciting the shoot was for her, all I could think of was the photographer starting at her tits between photos, or guys looking at those pictures and drooling over my girlfriend. What guy would be okay with that?! Especially if he didn’t have any warning first?!

But still… I know I took it too far, just like I always do. I said a bunch of stupid shit that came out all wrong, and I realized that way too late.

Hope got so mad, and I know I really can’t blame her… But then she twisted everything out of nowhere!

She called me out on all my shit — How much I’ve been snapping at her lately, how jealous I’ve been acting, how I’ve been taking everything out on her… All the stuff I know I’ve been doing. The stuff I’ve been trying so damn hard not to.

I feel like she’s been waiting a long time to say all that stuff to me… And that night, it all kinda exploded, I guess.

And that’s when it happened: She told me she wants to “take a break” for a while… It felt like she punched me in the stomach or something. It was like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t even talk, really. I just grabbed my keys, put on my shoes, and left. I barely made it to my car before I started crying like a little bitch. I was bawling the whole way to my grandparents’ house.

I’ve been staying with Tante Joce and grandpa ever since. Hope’s paying for the apartment now anyway… It’s only fair that she gets to keep staying there.

I’ve only seen her once since I left. I headed back with a duffel bag to grab some clothes a couple days after we had our fight. I’d tried texting her a couple times before then, but Hope kept telling me she still needs more time… And I get that. But I only had like one change of clothes hanging around at my grandparents’ house. I didn’t really have a choice.

It was so terrifying going back there — to my own apartment. It felt like I was intruding or something. Like I didn’t belong there. And talking to Hope was so fucking awkward. I could tell from the moment I looked at her that she’d been crying. I just hoped she couldn’t tell that I had been too.

I tried to apologize again. I promised Hope I’d change — that I could do better. “We’ll see.” That’s all she said.

Then we decided on a timeline. One month. Four weeks to “clear our heads and think everything over”, as she put it. Then we’ll see how we feel.

That gives me one month to fix things. To get my shit together and prove to Hope that I’m not a total ass. That she shouldn’t give up on me.

Because honestly? That’s what it feels like she’s doing.

We’ve been together for four years now. We love each other more than anything else in the world… How can she want to throw all that away? I mean, we used to talk about being together forever… and now we’re talking about ending it. Giving up.

I know I was a jerk. I know I hurt her. I know why she’s so mad at me. I know I’ve been a total ass the past few months… But I can change! I can do better. I know I can. And this time I’m not just saying it. I’ll do it. I have to!

I just… I still need to figure out how.

Okay, that’s not exactly true. I already know how. I’ve gotta get my shit together with this restaurant thing. Hope’s right — I’ve been putting it off for way too long. But she’s wrong about one thing… I haven’t done nothing.  I’ve been doing a ton of research, ever since I first met with Dom. Sample business models, phone numbers of suppliers and contractors… And statistics.

Did you know that over 60% of restaurants FAIL within the first year? I’ve read so many articles about how everything can go wrong. And it scares the shit out of me. I don’t wanna have to beg anyone for help. I wanna figure this out on my own… But I just… I feel like I can’t do it. And every time I see how amazing Hope’s doing, it just reminds me of how I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. And I get so mad!

But I guess I’m really mad at myself more than anyone else. And honestly, I’m afraid.

But I’m even more afraid of losing Hope.

I’ve never been more terrified of anything in my entire life. I can’t lose her. She’s everything to me.

And I’m gonna find a way to prove that to her before it’s too late.

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55 Responses to 5.51: Timeline

  1. shamanarza says:

    I’ve been re-reading Mari’s chapters, comparing her and Zayne. Y’know, your two most-hated characters. Trying to figure out why I actually really liked Mari and really do not like Zayne. And honestly I feel it’s because of what’s below the bluster.

    Mari was a pretty big slut and bitch, sure, but beneath that was a deep-seated conviction that she didn’t deserve any better. That she had to lash out first before anyone else had the chance to hurt her. That since she didn’t deserve love, neither did anyone else.

    My reading of Zayne is the opposite. He’s deeply afraid of failure, of losing Hope, of needing help but on some level he believes he’s *entitled* to success, Hope, and independence. And that’s what irks me about him.

    I’m interested to see If he’s able to get his head glued on straight and grow into himself as a person.

    Liked by 4 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Yeah I have found it very interesting that some of the same people who liked Mari hate Zayne. This is an interesting perspective! I don’t know if I fully agree that Zayne feels he’s entitled to anything, but I appreciate you sharing your thoughts! (And I understand where you’re coming from!)

      Zayne is one of my favorite Rosebrooks so hopefully someday people will learn to like him like they did with Mari! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I forgot to mention that you linked to one of my favorite poems! I know that one. And it’s very fitting for Zayne! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • shamanarza says:

        I have one written in calligraphy and hanging on my wall 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        • CitizenErased14 says:

          Awesome! It’s a great inspiration! Maybe Zayne needs a copy on his wall too 😛

          Liked by 1 person

          • kaffepigen says:

            I actually really like Mari and I like Zayne too, to some extend. Having been in a both physical and emotional abusive relationship, i can say that it is not emotionally abusive for Zayne yet, but he does need to get his at together. And if it had continued like this for much longer, it would have been on the verge of emotional abuse.

            Liked by 1 person

  2. Jes2G says:

    You do that…and enjoy your nap.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. kaffepigen says:

    Do it Zayne. Show her how much she means to you by changing your ways and get moving on your restaurant dreams!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Arrowleaf says:

    Ugh, see this is what I am talking about with the lack of communication between these two. If he showed her his research, his statistics, his sample business models, phone numbers of suppliers and contractors then Hope wouldn’t push him as much. If she told him more about what was happening in her career, he wouldn’t feel so left out and blindsided.

    ;_;

    Liked by 3 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      That’s such a good point!

      I think Zayne kept the research a secret because he wasn’t doing anything with it, and he knew Hope would call him out on that fact. This whole thing is a mess 😦

      Like

  5. Brass Buckles says:

    “Crying like a little bitch?” I know you love Zayne, but that line alone makes me really dislike him. Does he really think he’s too manly to cry over losing someone he loves? And does he truly believe it makes anyone more manly to not admit that they have human emotions? To basically say women or men who cry are “bitches” is horrible in and of itself. The implication is there that these “little bitches” are lesser than the mighty manly Zayne, who’s suddenly found himself flung to that “lesser” state of being.

    I used to feel bad for Zayne and hope for him to succeed. Now I really want Hope to run for the hills and marry some hot rich guy. Maybe then Zayne would grow up, and I could actually be happy for him finding someone else. Because at this point in time, Hope deserves better.

    I’m sure Zayne can work things out and change, but it’s not realistic for it to happen within a month. Maybe he’ll get the restaurant started, but people need time to work on their issues. And Zayne might need therapy on top of that, not to mention a reminder or two that you know, Hope is a person too, with her own hopes, dreams, and goals. She might be his girlfriend, but he needs to understand that doesn’t mean she’s his puppet.

    Liked by 3 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Oh wow, I wasn’t anticipating such a strong reaction to that line! I’m sorry it upset you. I feel you might be reading too much into it, and I’m sorry you’re no longer rooting for Zayne to succeed 😦

      I hope in the future you can change your mind and start rooting for him again 🙂

      Like

    • Arrowleaf says:

      To be fair, theres huge pressure in America for men to not cry. Any softer emotion in men is seen as a weakness culturally, even though it is not true. Im not sure what the culture is like in Germany, but I wouldnt be surprised if it was also a hyper masculine society. I feel like Zayne, and that line, is just a product of that society.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. thegraeyone says:

    For some reason I didn’t realize they’d been together that long! This chapter did a lot more to make me feel for Zayne, possibly because I was mildly confused on how long they’d been dating (there’s a difference between a relationship of a year having major problems and a relationship of four years, especially if those problems are recent), but also it’s seems like he hasn’t admitted his fears of failure to the audience until now. Maybe he’s been hiding it under a lot of bravado. I think I’ll go back to the beginning of the YA years.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      You’re correct that this is the first time we’ve heard about his fears directly… he’s been majorly suppressing them/denying them — even to himself! But the current situation with Hope has definitely humbled him into being more willing to admit those fears.

      And yes — they’ve been together for four years now 🙂 They were together for about 6 months in the last arc before Charlie and Ben’s wedding, and Zayne turned 24 right before he and Hope officially got together. And now he just turned 28 🙂 Their relationship has been great so far, so it’s really hurting to have things falling apart so quickly and suddenly 😦

      Liked by 1 person

      • thegraeyone says:

        Yeah that definitely put things more in perspective. I think a few of us are seeing it as a relationship that burned bright and is burning out, but if they’ve been together that long, it’s more obvious a rough patch brought on by a lot of stress. Hopefully they’re strong enough to work through it (and not just because I don’t want to see Hope leave).

        Liked by 1 person

  7. sonniejj says:

    I feel like the fact that Zayne is acknowledging his fears and doubts is a step in the right direction – fears can take on enormous proportions if they stay inside your head, but if you get them out of there, you’re able to look at them from a distance and see a new perspective.

    Keep going, Zayne. I’m pretty confident these two can get things back on track 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Thanks sonnie! I definitely think the current situation with Hope has humbled him to the point where he’s more open about his fears. I’m glad you have faith in him (and Hope!)

      Like

  8. peaoorko says:

    I’m conflicted. On the one hand, I still think Zayne should have just told Hope about his efforts and fears. All would be easier then. And my heart breaks together with his, for J do believe they love each other. On the

    Like

  9. peaoorko says:

    Sorry, didn’t mean to send that just yet. I also think that MAYBE the fact that he couldn’t talk to her honestly means their relationship is not that strong. She wasn’t too inviting, really, and I get his reluctance to open up. I do that too. I find it extremely hard to talk about my weaknesses and failures with others, even people I’m close with. Then again, I’m able to do it with the right person. So it may be just projecting, but I’m not so sure about being on board of HoZay that much any more.
    And I’m glad Zayne getting motivated to move be things forward with his restaurant, but I don’t like the reasons. It would be better if he was doing it for himself and not because of unspoken ultimatum. I also understand Hope’s POV.
    One thing is certain, this is some quality drama.

    Like

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Haha I’m glad you’re enjoying the drama! Though I’m sad you’re unsure about how much they really love each other/being on board the HoZay 😦 But I understand where you’re coming from and I respect your opinion!

      I also agree that he’s being motivated for the wrong reasons, but he doesn’t realize that yet…

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts! 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      • peaoorko says:

        What I meant was that HoZay needs much more work than just Zayne getting his business off the ground. And that I can see the possibility of them “not being made for each other”. I actually see a lot of love-even their suffering now shows it. I’m still rooting for them And love them as a couple. It’s just that if they wee not to make it, I could see why. I’d be devastated though.
        Oh, and enjoy your trip!

        Liked by 2 people

        • Oh, this is so hard to think about, but you may have a point. If his restaurant gets off the ground, their relationship may get back on track. But then what about the next bad thing that happens? Maybe they’re just a fair weather couple…

          That thought makes me so sad… I’m still hoping they’ll get past this and grow stronger, and then are better able to weather life’s storms after this.

          Liked by 2 people

  10. audreyfld says:

    Zayne seems like a spoiled brat. He doesn’t seem to want to work hard for anything, he has no desire to take risks, he is jealous, selfish and possessive. He takes, but doesn’t want to give unless it’s easy and benefits him too. Sorry Amanda…. I know he cares about Hope, but it seems like he treats her only as a lover and not a friend and partner.

    So why is he so afraid to admit he’s in over his head. Why does he think everyone’s going to say he is a failure. Opening a restaurant is no small feat. Of course you need help. He seems to want to prove to the world so badly that he doesn’t need anyone that he digs himself a deeper hole and hurts not only himself but the people he cares about the most in the process.

    Honestly, this really doesn’t feel that much different than his teen years. Can he really get his shit together? And what exactly does that mean? Will he get help with the restaurant or continue trying to do things on his own and screw up more. I am not so sure he can change. At least not without some sort of therapy. But I don’t see that happening either. That would be admitting he needs help. Vicious circle.

    Hope left him because of his jealousy. Maybe she thinks he’s lazy. He has to trust her and he doesn’t so that’s why she would think that. She just pushed it along at the end. I really don think he trusts anyone. I can’t understand why.

    Also, what will it take for Hope to give him another chance? He opens a restaurant? That doesn’t seem feasible in 4 weeks since he hasn’t really done anything but look up statistics, gathered phone numbers and looked at business models. So, I’m not sure she knows. (Nooboo? I haven’t given up that idea just yet) Maybe she’s trying to decide if being apart is better and then she can move on without him.

    I’m still waiting for the final blow…not sure he’s all the way there, but getting pretty darn close.

    Liked by 3 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts 🙂 I disagree with many of them (and agree with others) but I appreciate you sharing them regardless. 🙂

      I have a bad reputation for bring overly defensive of my characters so I’ll let it be 😛 But if anyone else wants to chime in, feel free to! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • I’ll chime in! Zayne is not afraid of hard work. He’s gotten a reputation for being spoiled, which I suppose is fair. But taking it to the point of being entitled, which some have said, is a bit far.

        His desire to prove he can do things on his own comes from a different place I think. Even with all the family and support he has, he just really feels alone, like he’s gotta do it all himself. Blame it on losing his parents mixed with some inherent personality traits. But he’s stubborn about it because it goes against who he is as a person to ask for help.

        If he feels pretty much alone in the world and he feels like asking for help us a sign of weakness, he’s not going to understand when someone pushes him to do the opposite of what makes sense naturally to him.

        I have so much more to say on this topic, lol. But really I’m just happy I’ve found some positive things to say about Zayne. Amanda, any chance I’m not terribly off base here?

        Liked by 2 people

        • audreyfld says:

          Hmm. Maybe not of hard work, but only if it’s safe – in other words he knows the outcome and there is no risk or he has convinced himself there’s no risk. Maybe his experience with Eun is part of what is causing him to be afraid to do something with no black and white outcome. He just has zero self confidence but tries to act like he does.

          Sorry. I’m just trying to figure out why he acts like he does. And I am laughing because we are analyzing him like he’s real!

          I am hoping for him to figure out why he is compelled to act like he does so he can make some positive changes and get his happily ever after.

          Liked by 2 people

          • You’re so right! He’s such a rich character. We’re psychoanalyzing him with such intensity.

            Liked by 1 person

          • CitizenErased14 says:

            He’s real to me 🙂 don’t feel silly!

            I think what Cece said was true, and what you said also has a lot of truth too. Zayne is terrified of failure and hates taking risks. He’s so obsessed with proving himself, but only if he knows he’ll succeed. He won’t take the plunge if he thinks he’s gonna fail (and, as you pointed out, he has very low self-confidence, so more often than not, he’s assuming he’s going to fail!)

            Thanks for giving your insight!

            Like

        • CitizenErased14 says:

          You were very insightful here, Cece! And a lot of what you said is true. Good analysis!

          I think a lot of it stems from (as you said) that inherent loneliness he feels from losing his parents, combined with how coddled and spoiled he was as a child. His whole life he’s felt like a charity case — he’s the poor orphan kid with the nasty scar on his face that everyone pities. And he hates that. He wants to prove to everyone that he doesn’t need anyone and doesn’t need anyone feeling sorry for him or helping him. He takes this to a very unhealthy extreme. And then, when he ultimately fails without that help, he feels like a failure/loser and internalizes all that negativity. It is a very hard cycle for him to break out of!

          I appreciate your analysis, Cece. Thank you!

          Liked by 1 person

          • *happy dance* understanding is the first step to acceptance. Maybe after that, liking and even loving him will come along.

            Now if only I could understand why he lashes out like he does at those who love him most.

            Liked by 1 person

            • CitizenErased14 says:

              Hahaha the real answer to that question is very lame 😂 Since Zayne rolled the hot-headed trait, I went with his temper as his default defense mechanism/reaction. His first instinct is to lash out angrily. (Then his “good” trait kicks in and he feels terrible and beats himself up over it and further damages his already-low self esteem 😂)

              Liked by 1 person

              • I don’t think it’s a lame answer. I mean, I know we’re making him into a full blown human here, lol, but he’s still a Sim.

                I love that you’re having him motivated by the traits he rolled. It actually explains so much of him that I just couldn’t wrap my head around. Thanks for sharing this!

                Liked by 1 person

                • CitizenErased14 says:

                  Haha no problem! ^_^ I try to write my characters as “human” as possible, but I do base a lot of my characterization around the rolled traits. They often help shape the actual plot too! (I rolled my Gen 6 heiress’ traits early and her ENTIRE plot is based around her rolled traits hahaha)

                  Liked by 3 people

  11. Tizy says:

    Sooo not surprised to se him crawling back to Joce once again.
    Now probably we are heading to redemption and to Zayne’s happy ending. But if they were real people I would hope that someone like Hope wpuld run away from an abusive toxic depressed person like Zayne. And that if Zayne was real for him to find the strenght to do something about his life inside him. Not to prove things to others.

    We need to do things for ourselves. Cant burden others to feel worthy.
    It is never too late to wake up and say: I can do something about my life. But it has to be for us. If girlfriend tomorrow wakes up and falls in love with a burrito what will be left of him?

    Find the strengh inside yourself zayne.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I think what you said is very true — Zayne needs to do this for himself, not for Hope! He has to want to better himself for HIM, and find that strength. Good analysis, Tizy 🙂 You might find what’s coming isn’t 100% what you’re expecting. We’ll see 😉

      Like

  12. sourocha1 says:

    Better change real quick, Zayne! Glad that was a wake up call for Zayne to realize that your partner isn’t a puching beg in a relationship…And again I have to ask you to tell her that part of being afraid and so, to kind of give her Zayne’s side that isn’t that jelous and such…but does her have things to get done…

    Liked by 2 people

  13. peacesign101 says:

    I am rooting for Zayne to change his ways; Hope deserves so much better. I just hope someone talks to Zayne so he realizes he needs help. Otherwise he won’t get help or change his ways. Sure he says he’s being a jerk or an ass, but I just don’t think he truly realizes why. Hope might say something about it, but Zayne does not hold himself responsible. I want them to be a happy couple, but man nothing will change if Zayne doesn’t get help and move along with his restaurant.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I’m glad you’re rooting for Zayne! He really does have some major work to do to change his ways… I think the current situation was enough of a wakeup call that he’s starting to fully accept his issues… the next step is dealing with them!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. I wonder if any of the articles he read spoke about why those businesses failed, maybe something to do with inexperience not seeking experienced help? And why would asking for a business partner/investor equate to “begging for help”? Even when he’s being repentant, he irritates me.

    At least he wants to do the right thing, even if he still has no idea how he’ll do it.

    Like

  15. Bugsie2016 says:

    Dear Zayne,
    First of all, you need to know that no matter how you feel about everythng else, nothing gives you the right to lose it like that. You knew what her career was and it never bothered you before. You need to get the temper under control before something else happens, like you lose Hope forever. You said some harsh things and you can never take those back. IF, you end up back togethor, you need to learn from this and start acknowledging that this is her career and you got with her when she had this career, already.Deal with it. It’s the 21st century not the 1600s. If you don’t come to terms with this she will move on and find a better man, who can live with her career choice.
    Second of all, about the crying. You need to move past the ancient steryotype that men don’t cry. All humans cry, it is a natural thing that happens under extreme emotion whether it be sad or happy it happens, and losing your girlfriend, possibly forever, is a good reason to cry. If you didn’t cry then you’re not human. Crying is NOT a feminine thing and holding in emotion instead of letting it out through crying can lead to more anger and it is also unhealthy.
    Finally, about the restaurant. You need to stop thinking you will fail or you will. If your heart isn’t in it, choose something else and move on, but if it something you want so badly you need to aim for it and give it a try as, ‘you can’t succeed if you never even try’. Another thing you need to realise is that ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day’ and it takes time to make dreams. Dreams are not suddenly made, like a tree it takes time, persistence and effort to make things happen.
    From Bugsie2016

    To CitizenErased and Everyone else.
    Who agrees that Zayne needs to hear all that? I enjoyed the chapter and we all learned a bit more on what goes on in his mind. I can’t wait to see how he goes about trying to fix this.
    P.S This was my second letter as I accidentally deleted the last when I tried copying it to check for mistakes as I was typing so fast.I wrote this in Wordpad because there is a back button.

    Liked by 3 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Haha I appreciate all this advice for Zayne — I definitely think he does need to hear and realize these things. Hopefully he will be able to get it together and fix things!

      Like

  16. lisabeesims says:

    It is right you need to change but you don’t try to change … you do it … change your mind —-> change your attitude —-> change your actions

    Liked by 2 people

  17. Okay, here goes…

    Honestly, I’m relieved Hope and Zayne took a break. Both are so focused on their own careers and their own problems that they can’t help but block each other. Their clashing personalities and lack of communication was really stunting them. Being that kind of couple needs a lot of work that they’re just not putting in.

    I think they really need space to really be able to develop into themselves and work for their individual goals. Zayne needs to realize that he needs to be better for himself, not for others. His issues start within him, not from the rest of the world. Hope also needs to realize some things herself. Not everyone has the same mindset so we must be considerate of how our decisions affect others (E.g.: Considering that maybe, just maaaybe, her boyfriend and/or family may feel a liiitle uncomfortable about her pictures so she should warn them beforehand what her job entails. This, btw, is not the same as “asking permission” as she likes to argue. This is being a bit more sensitive).

    Needing to do some self development is perfectly fine. Maybe their roads will lead them back to each other. Maybe they’ll go separate ways and find they needed something else. That’s what maturing means. It’s what the circle of life is all about.

    End of rant.

    Liked by 1 person

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