Happy Easter, everyone! I decided to go ahead and post a chapter today anyway (especially since I’m traveling tomorrow). So whenever you end up reading this, Happy Easter (if you celebrate) and thanks for reading!
This is a shot I took AGES ago to be a family photo, but it seems rather fitting for today (and a nice throwback!) 😉 Happy Easter from the Kleins!
I fucked it all up. I fucked up so bad. Worse than I ever have before.
And it’s too late to take it back.
It was already more than a week ago, but this is the first time I’ve really tried writing about it. I guess it was just too hard or something.
It all started when Hope showed me the pictures from her Vogue spread. It was her shoot with Franciso San Martín… The one last month in San Myshuno. The one on my birthday. She’s been talking about it ever since — she was so excited about it. It’ll probably be the most important job of her whole career, and I should have been happy for her.
But the second I saw those pictures, I just lost it.
She was topless in almost all of them, and I was so not prepared for that. Hope’s never done a shoot like that — ever. And instead of thinking about how gorgeous she looked or how exciting the shoot was for her, all I could think of was the photographer starting at her tits between photos, or guys looking at those pictures and drooling over my girlfriend. What guy would be okay with that?! Especially if he didn’t have any warning first?!
But still… I know I took it too far, just like I always do. I said a bunch of stupid shit that came out all wrong, and I realized that way too late.
Hope got so mad, and I know I really can’t blame her… But then she twisted everything out of nowhere!
She called me out on all my shit — How much I’ve been snapping at her lately, how jealous I’ve been acting, how I’ve been taking everything out on her… All the stuff I know I’ve been doing. The stuff I’ve been trying so damn hard not to.
I feel like she’s been waiting a long time to say all that stuff to me… And that night, it all kinda exploded, I guess.
And that’s when it happened: She told me she wants to “take a break” for a while… It felt like she punched me in the stomach or something. It was like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t even talk, really. I just grabbed my keys, put on my shoes, and left. I barely made it to my car before I started crying like a little bitch. I was bawling the whole way to my grandparents’ house.
I’ve been staying with Tante Joce and grandpa ever since. Hope’s paying for the apartment now anyway… It’s only fair that she gets to keep staying there.
I’ve only seen her once since I left. I headed back with a duffel bag to grab some clothes a couple days after we had our fight. I’d tried texting her a couple times before then, but Hope kept telling me she still needs more time… And I get that. But I only had like one change of clothes hanging around at my grandparents’ house. I didn’t really have a choice.
It was so terrifying going back there — to my own apartment. It felt like I was intruding or something. Like I didn’t belong there. And talking to Hope was so fucking awkward. I could tell from the moment I looked at her that she’d been crying. I just hoped she couldn’t tell that I had been too.
I tried to apologize again. I promised Hope I’d change — that I could do better. “We’ll see.” That’s all she said.
Then we decided on a timeline. One month. Four weeks to “clear our heads and think everything over”, as she put it. Then we’ll see how we feel.
That gives me one month to fix things. To get my shit together and prove to Hope that I’m not a total ass. That she shouldn’t give up on me.
Because honestly? That’s what it feels like she’s doing.
We’ve been together for four years now. We love each other more than anything else in the world… How can she want to throw all that away? I mean, we used to talk about being together forever… and now we’re talking about ending it. Giving up.
I know I was a jerk. I know I hurt her. I know why she’s so mad at me. I know I’ve been a total ass the past few months… But I can change! I can do better. I know I can. And this time I’m not just saying it. I’ll do it. I have to!
I just… I still need to figure out how.
Okay, that’s not exactly true. I already know how. I’ve gotta get my shit together with this restaurant thing. Hope’s right — I’ve been putting it off for way too long. But she’s wrong about one thing… I haven’t done nothing. I’ve been doing a ton of research, ever since I first met with Dom. Sample business models, phone numbers of suppliers and contractors… And statistics.
Did you know that over 60% of restaurants FAIL within the first year? I’ve read so many articles about how everything can go wrong. And it scares the shit out of me. I don’t wanna have to beg anyone for help. I wanna figure this out on my own… But I just… I feel like I can’t do it. And every time I see how amazing Hope’s doing, it just reminds me of how I have no fucking clue what I’m doing. And I get so mad!
But I guess I’m really mad at myself more than anyone else. And honestly, I’m afraid.
But I’m even more afraid of losing Hope.
I’ve never been more terrified of anything in my entire life. I can’t lose her. She’s everything to me.
And I’m gonna find a way to prove that to her before it’s too late.