5.44: Steady Flame

Dear Diary,

I really don’t think it’s hit me yet. This almost feels like a dream or something. Just four more days, and I’ll be standing in front of all my friends and family, exchanging vows with the love of my life.

I feel like I should be panicking a little more than I have been… But it just hasn’t fully sunk-in yet.

Maybe it will when Alex and Tony get here tomorrow… I haven’t seen either one of them in months! We talk all the time, sure. But it’s just not the same.

Part of me kind of worries about that sometimes. I look at Onkel Stefan and Opa, and it makes me really nervous. Everyone always talks about how close they used to be. But when I look at them now, I can tell so much has changed. It makes me think about my sisters. What if we all grow apart like Opa and Stefan did?

Anyway, the point is, I can’t wait to see them again. We didn’t always see eye-to-eye growing up, but the two of them have been my best friends since the day we were born. And having them live so far away now really sucks. It will mean so much to have them back here for the most important day of my life.

And speaking of important… God, I feel like there’s still so much to do. Call and confirm the cake and flowers. Make a few last-minute tweaks to the seating chart. Work on breaking in my shoes. Practice my vows again. Make sure I’ve packed everything for the honeymoon…

Okay, remember what I said about not panicking too much? I might have stretched the truth just a bit.

I mean, I definitely have my moments. I wouldn’t call myself a ‘bride-zilla’ or anything, but… Ben keeps telling me I need to relax. He’s been the calm one throughout the whole thing, to be honest. He’s kept me laughing, just like he always has. He’s amazing.

And it’s nice to have someone keeping me sane. Because lord knows my parents aren’t. Mom’s been so emotional any time the wedding comes up… I even caught dad getting all misty eyed talking to Emma the last time Ben and I were over there. “My little girl’s all grown up,” he and mom keep saying.

And don’t get me wrong – it’s sweet. It really is. But it makes me feel weird. Like they think I’m abandoning them or something by getting married. Like I’m turning their whole world upside down.

But Ben and I have been together since we were fifteen. We’ve been living with each other for the past six years already. Is that much really changing?

Not for my parents, no matter what they might think. But what about for Ben and I?

I guess that’s another thought that’s been nagging me lately. What will it be like to be married? How will it change things? I’ve been asking myself that a lot. Especially since last night.

Zayne invited me to his apartment for dinner, and I finally got to meet his girlfriend. No one else in the family has yet. It was kind of cool to get to be the first. And honestly? She’s pretty damn amazing. Funny, sweet, and beyond gorgeous… But the most important thing is how much she cares about Zayne. And how much he cares about her too. Five minutes with them is enough to tell they’re crazy for each other… And I really loved seeing that.

Hope’s the first girl I’ve ever seen him with where it actually feels… real. Know what I mean?

The way he looks at her. The way she smiles at him. Their little inside jokes they kept giggling about all through dinner… They’re only a couple years younger than I am, but they really reminded me of two teenagers in love or something. The way Ben and I used to be when we first got together all those years ago.

Things are so different now… But not in a bad way. We’re just older now – We’ve grown up together. That first spark we both felt when we were kids isn’t there anymore… but it’s grown into something even better. A warm, steady flame… One that I know will always be there, even when everything else goes dark.

And of course, Ben still knows how to turn up the heat a little bit every now and then, when we want a bit of that old spark back…

I just wonder what will happen once we’re married. How much will things change?

You’re not the same person today that you will be a month from now. Or a year from now. Or ten years from now. And you hear all those horror stories of couples whose relationships start going downhill after they say “I do”. Their sex lives come crashing to a halt. They don’t go on dates anymore. They get bored. They end up resenting each other…

Okay, I’m starting to sound like my mother. All this worrying about the future… What good will it do? The only thing we can control is the present. The here and now. And right now, I am the luckiest woman on the entire planet, because this weekend, I’ll be marrying the love of my life.

Time changes everything, sure. But Ben and I have been through so much together over the years. I’m sure we can take whatever life has in store for us. As long as we have each other, we’ll be okay.

They may say that nothing lasts forever…

But I think some things do.