5.40: Wasted

Well, it seems like love is in the air around here lately.

I don’t think any of us were too surprised when we saw Zayne’s relationship status on Facebook suddenly switch from “Single” to “In a Relationship” a few weeks ago… With Hope, of course. Who else? We were all so happy for him — even without ever meeting her in person, I can tell she’s so good for him. The way he talks about her is proof enough of that.

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And Clara stopped by the other day with some exciting news — Coleen proposed! (And, of course, River said yes) Looks like we’ll have another wedding to start planning! Clara’s so excited, and she’s already made me promise to give her some ‘mother of the bride’ tips… as if I’m an expert or something!

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Admittedly, we’re still in between productions at the theater, so I have had a lot of free time to spend with Charlie helping her get ready for the wedding. I can’t believe how close we’re getting… It feels like only yesterday she was telling me Ben proposed, and now we’re less than four months away from the big day.

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They finally picked out their invitations and ordered their wedding bands last week. And the other day, after months and months of indecision and panicking, Charlie finally figured out what to do about her dress. It was pretty surprising for all of us.

She sat down with me, Maman, and Oma, and asked if she could wear Oma’s wedding dress. She said that dress led to over fifty happy years of marriage, and she’s hoping some of the luck will rub off on her and Ben.

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Oma was so touched. She couldn’t stop crying. I think it really meant a lot to her, especially after losing Opa. It’ll need a lot of alterations, but she doesn’t mind. It was a really beautiful moment.

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It wasn’t until later that I let a little bit of the sadness sink in. Ever since Mark’s birthday, these moments have been sneaking up on me when I least expect it. And unfortunately the other night was no exception. I just couldn’t help it – the more I thought about it, the more depressed I felt.

It’s like Charlie said: Oma spent over fifty years of her life with Opa. They had a beautiful marriage – a promise of a lifetime together. And now with any luck, my little girl will be blessed enough to have that too.

And it just kills me to know that Mark and I never will.

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I kept telling myself I could get over feeling this way… But I just can’t. I really, really can’t. It feels like everywhere I turn, there’s some reminder of how much time Mark and I wasted, or how little we have left.

Seeing Oma still grieving for Opa is hard enough. But what makes it even worse is Onkel Stefan. He makes all these comments about wishing he and aunt Madalyn had moved back to Windenburg sooner. He keeps talking about “making up for lost time”… And every time he does, it’s just a cruel reminder of all that time lost. Time I can never make up, no matter how much I wish I could.

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When I was a little girl, I always used to dream I’d get married to the love of my life. Have a family with him. But Mark and I never got that chance. And who knows? After the girls were born, when Elliot and I broke up, maybe Mark and I could have made it work. Maybe instead of running away after Luc and Hazel’s wedding, I could fought harder to be with Mark. Maybe I could have stayed.

But I didn’t.

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And even when we finally got back together after all those wasted years, we could never have any of those things we dreamed of. Children were out of the question at that point. And marriage… We just couldn’t. Not with Zayne. Being together has made things complicated enough. But being married?

We both agreed it was better this way. And it never really bothered me until now. I’m not sure what changed. But seeing Oma deal with losing Opa, and looking forward to my Charlie getting married… It’s just brought up all these horrible feelings. Ones I didn’t even know I had.

I just wish I knew how to make them go away.

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54 Responses to 5.40: Wasted

  1. Senna says:

    Well, think of it this way, Jossy:

    Sometimes marriage isn’t the best thing to do in a long-term relationship (look what happened to Brangelina).

    And well, at least you got to be in a relationship with him in the end (I wanted to add, “and not be barbecued and six feet under like those other two”, but I thought that would have been in extremely poor taste)

    Besides, maybe Mark’ll decide he’d be happiest while married to his true love, and marry you anyway. (Let’s face it: he doesn’t have a whole lot of time left no matter which way you look at it)

    Never know what the future may hold.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. hammyskyblu123 says:

    Poor Joce 😣 I hope somebody can be there for her to cheer her up!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. audreyfld says:

    That was so sad. 😥I hope she tells Mark how she feels. He will make her feel better. And maybe they will get married. That would be really sweet.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I think right now what’s holding her back from telling him is the awkwardness of saying (not in these exact words of course haha) “You’re getting old and it’s starting to hit me that you are going to die well before I do”It’s an unpleasant and uncomfortable conversation and I think she’s afraid of having it :-/

      Liked by 1 person

  4. peaoorko says:

    I too shed a tear when Charlie talked about the wedding dress. I love that photo of the whole family in the background. Could we get a close up?
    Yay for River and Coleen!
    And Jossie…I feel bad for her, and I hope she will be able to focus on the present. Realize she is lucky any way to be together with Mark now. Easier said than done, I know. I also think she shouldn’t blame herself. Mark was clear about not wanting a relationship at that point. Besides, I serioulsy doubt Elliot would move to Windenburg just so she could be with Mark. And the girls were already born, so they would have to be separeted from one of their parents… My poor Joyce, she’s been through so much.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I don’t have the link handy now, but try to remind me and I can link you to the full sized version 🙂 It’s actually the picture that I used for the “Christmas Card” I posted a couple of months ago ^_^

      I like your advice to Joce. She really should worry about the present and stop blaming herself for the past. But like you said, easier said than done. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Jes2G says:

    I love that Charlie is going to wear Mari’s dress. As for Joce’s feelings…I understand, but… *shrugs* You did this, you deal with it. Nothing is ever done without consequence. Good thing this is your journal and not an actual conversation otherwise I’d offer you cheese with that whine LOL.

    Liked by 4 people

  6. kaffepigen says:

    She needs to talk it out with someone, preferrably mark

    Liked by 1 person

  7. theplumbob says:

    The thing is Joce, if you dwell on that now instead of enjoying and appreciating what you do have with Mark, you’re just repeating your own mistake. Again. At least you’re both alive right now. Has your brother taught you nothing? Come on, you can do better than this 🙂

    Congrats to Colleen and River – love that engagement photo. And the fact Charlie will be wearing Mari’s wedding dress is very sweet. I bet she’ll look gorgeous in it.

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      That’s a good point haha she shouldn’t waste time dwelling! It’s just hard.

      Glad you like the pic of Coleen and River ^_^ And I think Charlie will be gorgeous too! 😀

      Like

  8. witchazard says:

    Emotional WitcHazard: oh Jocelyn I really hope you see that the life you may have wanted wasn’t the life you needed. Sure you never got married but you’re still with the love of your life that one person who loves you more than anything. Not too many can say that. A wedding is just a public display of a couples union it doesn’t make your relationship any less valuable if you don’t have one. As long as you both acknowledge the undeniable feeling you share for eachother nothing else matters.

    Anti Shipper WitcHazard: Can it E Marklyn has the most reprieves out of any ship! Joce stop complaining and do something about it. You’re not upset because of the not being married you’re upset because no matter what you do the society you live in would never accept the relationship you and Mark have. But over time even I have some to accept this ship for what it is a a loving caring couple that just so happened to be tainted by circumstance. I shouldn’t be hearing any complaints from you cause you have love you found it and you’re together get over yourself.
    Ark is already one foot in the grace get back to me when he’s neck deep!

    Dark WitcHazard: Wow Anti S tell us how you really feel!

    Anti Shipper WitcHazard: And if you’re going to be doing all this whining how about opening a whinery so you could atleast make a profit! I’m done with this! Stupid Jocelyn going around ruining my Charlen Wedding buzz!😡

    Liked by 5 people

  9. Oooh! I know! Pick me! Me right here!

    *clears throat carefully*

    The solution is…

    To GET MARRIED!!

    Erm… thanks.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. julyvee94 says:

    Poor joce 😦 she’s grown so much as a person realizing that she also made mistakes in the past and her running away wasn’t *entirely* her family’s fault. As sad as it is she’ll most certainly outlive Mark by a long long time. I already feel sad for when he dies 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  11. pammiechick says:

    Joce…take heart! Mark may outlive you! (Stress ups your chances of heart attack, stroke, and even cancer…) 😝

    Like

  12. Me(Who Else?) says:

    Why not get married to Mark? Zane is an adult now, he can handle it. And as for children? Adoption isn’t out of the question. The only problem is Mark’s age… but you know that saying, “It takes a village to raise a child”? That family is a village. That child would grow up loved from all sides. And you haven’t had any of them adopt children yet. That could be a good addition to the plot. Think about it… The lead up(getting in touch with the adoption agency), the time during(build an orphanage[or download one] for them to pick up the child from), and then them growing up. That wouldn’t be the weirdest familial situation ever. I’m looking at you, Luc, Jocelyn, and Clara. (Plus, you could adopt a toddler!)

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Adoption is a really interesting idea! 🙂 I think at this point, Jocelyne doesn’t necessarily want another child. It’s more that she’s thinking about the past and wishing she could have had a child with Mark… But the two of them raised Zayne together, so for all intents and purposes, he kind of IS their child. 🙂

      Joce is just doing a lot of reflection on the past right now and wishing things could have been different. But unfortunately it’s too late to change it 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  13. SpurklyNinja says:

    Tough. I mean, she can’t exactly go back in time to redo everything. It doesn’t do to dwell on things that happened in the past.

    Hey, even if the marriage thing doesn’t happen, they still know their place in each other’s lives and a certificate doesn’t really change anything.

    Like

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Haha it’s true that she can’t do anything to change the past. She knows that. I think she’s just having a lot of overwhelming regret and wondering about how things could have been. Hopefully it will pass!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. raerei says:

    Aw, this is such a lovely chapter. It’s great to see how everyone is moving forward. I loved (absolutely loved) how they learned about Zope through a FB status update. And woot for River! How’s Remi doing? He was always my favorite.

    Also – you already know this, but STEFAN!!! ❤ ❤ ❤ I love seeing him back in the family.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hehehehe I love your enthusiasm 🙂 I’m glad you liked my attempt at being “modern” LMAO 😛 Remi is doing well… Busy with a two-year-old. But he loves it 😉

      And YAY for Stefan ❤ I missed him so much. I know you did too!

      Liked by 1 person

  15. maladi777 says:

    Of all the heirs I feel that Joce has been the least happy one. She never had her true happy ending. Even Mari had one. Joce’s life has been full of compromises.

    Liked by 3 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      This is very true, unfortunately 😦 I think Joce is my most tragic character. But in real life, not everyone gets a perfect happy ending :-/

      Like

  16. Don’t go ripping off that duct tape. I need this ship to survive. Give them a wedding! Give Joce the wedding she totally deserves and don’t go killing off Mark until he’s like 100. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Tizy says:

    I feel for you Jocelyn. You didnt deserve this. ❤❤❤

    Like

  18. sonniejj says:

    I’m caught up! Yay!

    Oh my poor Joce. I do have a soft spot in my heart for her and it’s so sad to me that she still carries around so much sadness from years past. She’s happier now, of course, but some demons never quite go away.

    I like that Zayne has grown up and become more serious. I’m still not entirely sure about Hope – she’s pretty and cute and nice, and Zayne really likes her, but I foresee some trouble in their future, especially with her traveling and modelling. It must be difficult to have people drool all over your girlfriend’s hotness and I think Zayne might get jealous. We’ll see, though!

    Charlie might be my favorite out of this generation, because she reminds me so much of Joce and holy crap, is she beautiful! I can’t wait until she and Ben have lovely little babies. I hope Charlie can have the long, wonderful marriage that Joce never got to experience.

    Also, poor Jonas 😦 That made me so sad.

    Whew, I’m glad I’m all caught up! A LOT has happened!

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I’m so glad you caught up! Thank you so much for taking the time to do that. You’re awesome, sonnie! ^_^

      As for your comment, it’s true that Joce carries around a lot from her past 😦 Another reader recently pointed out that she’s the most tragic/unhappy Rosebrook, and I think there’s a lot of truth to that :-/ She’s had happiness in her life, but she’s had to struggle a lot and there’s so much she can’t fully let go of.

      I think your concerns about Hope and Zayne have the potential to be valid, especially with the distance! Hopefully they can work it out! ^_^ Glad you’re such a Charlie fan 🙂 and RIP Jonas 😥 (I think I got everything! 😀 )

      Liked by 1 person

  19. CitizenErased14 says:

    Hahaha she does love to dwell and worry, it’s true! Dumbledore has some good advice, but we’ll have to wait and see if she takes it haha

    Liked by 1 person

  20. lisabeesims says:

    There you go mentioning Mark and Joce again … sigh … I was trying to concentrate that the family had never met hope that there was a wedding coming but now we have I’ve been derailed

    Liked by 1 person

  21. skcaga6 says:

    The entire time I was reading this the only thought going through my head is that River’s fiance gave Remi a hand job.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. theceltygirly says:

    Joce, that’s all in the past! You have your family now, so just celebrate with them and make the most of what’s going on!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  23. addbratlove225 says:

    Poor Joce. She deserves her happiness. At least she has Mark.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. kaycee39 says:

    Oh Joce…please stop being sad about the past and enjoy the present and remaining future. Mark is here now, right now so make the most of it. Joce’s path has always been different and even if they had of gotten together years ago their time was destined to be cut much shorter than those around them simply because of the huge gap in age. I feel for her.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      If any of my Rosebrooks are dwellers, it’s Joce. She dwells in the past so much! (Well, so did Mari actually haha) You’re right though — she needs to focus on the present and the rest of the time she has with him. Their time was always going to be short 😢

      Liked by 1 person

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