5.31: Do Better

I didn’t get a chance to add this to Tuesday’s chapter (though some of you already saw this on my thread on the Sims forums), so here is a belated Valentine’s Day “card” for all my readers! 😀 ❤

And now on with the chapter! ^_^

—————————————————–

Multiple lacerations, two missing teeth, three bruised ribs, a concussion…

That’s what my Zayne finally came home to me with.

It killed me to see him like that. I don’t think I’ll ever forget how terrified I was when he stumbled through the door and collapsed in my arms. Charlie was sobbing, and I just started screaming… I didn’t know what else to do. I panicked.

Mark and my parents were so much calmer than I was, thank God. Papa managed to carry him into the car, and Mark drove us to the emergency room right away. Oma and Opa stayed home with Charlie and kept her calm… Alex and Tony both weren’t even home when it happened.

Those hours in the emergency room, all the tests and scans, waiting for the results, finally bringing him home and putting him to bed… That whole night was just a total blur to me.

I’m still trying to wrap my head around this whole thing. When he was feeling better, Zayne sat Mark and I down, and he told us everything… How he’d spent so much time partying and getting drunk. How he’d lied time and time again to his friends and neighbors… And to us. How he’d gotten involved with a drug dealer because he was so desperate for money. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

We begged him to let us go to the police, but he refused. It was too dangerous, he said. Believe it or not, Gus agreed — and he knows more about this sort of thing than anyone else in our family. So we ended up staying quiet. We sent Papa downtown to pack up most of Zayne’s belongings, and I called to cancel the rental agreement.

And of course, I still punished Zayne for all this. Charlie too, for keeping it a secret. I had to. What kind of parent would I be if I didn’t?

But deep down, I know that this was really my fault. Everyone keeps telling me it wasn’t – Mark, my parents, even Zayne. But I know that’s not true.

It’s like Charlie said – I gave Zayne too much attention… Spent too much time focusing on him and worrying about him so much more than I should have. No wonder he acted out and wanted to leave home! And then like a fool, I let him.

How could I have missed the warning signs? How could I fool myself into believing he was fine? Maybe I just wanted to believe that he was really growing up – that I’d raised him to be responsible and mature enough to make it on his own.

But I didn’t.

And when I think about what Charlie told me, I feel even worse. I’d made the exact same mistakes my parents made when I was her age. I’d made her feel just as forgotten and overlooked as I’d once felt. I know people always joke about turning into your parents when you get older… But I never thought it would happen like this.

I try so hard to be a good mother… SO hard. I always have. And I know I’m not perfect, but… I just hate feeling like I failed.

And I can’t help but think of Luc right now. I wonder what the hell he must be thinking, if he can see any of this from wherever he is now. I hope he knows I’m sorry. And I hope he knows how much I love his son, even if I screwed everything up this time.

I know dwelling on it won’t change anything. All this complaining won’t help… But I just needed to get it off my chest.

All I can do now is try to do better moving forward – for all four of my children. I don’t think it’ll be easy… I feel like I have so much to think about now. But Mark keeps telling me I’ll be okay. And that the kids will be too.

I just really hope he’s right.

I guess the only positive side to this whole thing is that Mark and I got what we’d wanted after all – For better or worse, I think Zayne learned something from all this.

But maybe more importantly, so did I.