5.30: Blew It

This fucking sucks.

Remember that rollercoaster I keep talking about?

Well, I think I’ve officially been thrown off the ride.

And it’s all my fault.

At first, I wanted to blame Dom for it. I mean, he’s the one who let the cat out of the bag, really. But he was drunk and totally not thinking. How can I blame him for that? I wanted to, so damn badly. But I knew I couldn’t.

How could I seriously expect people to keep buying all those stupid lies? I’m almost surprised it even lasted this long. I guess I feel like I should be relieved or something. I mean, how long have I been complaining about keeping up this stupid act?

But I never wanted it all to end like this. My life is over now. What the hell do I even have left?

Remi and River basically hate me now. They found out I was the one who invited all those people to their party… And if that wasn’t bad enough, they had to put up with a bunch of shit from their friends. I guess they got a lot of grief for helping me keep my secret from everybody. So this whole mess didn’t just hurt me, it hurt them too. I’ll be surprised if they ever even talk to me again after this one.

Charlie’s already barely even talked to me since I skipped out on her birthday, and I was really hoping the other night would finally be a chance for things to be okay between us again… But instead I just ended up looking like a fucking idiot and running away before we even got a chance to talk or anything. I totally blew it.

Dom will probably never wanna talk to me again either, at this rate. He was the only friend from school I even talk to anymore… If you can even count what we were doing lately as ‘talking’. I’ve been such a shitty friend, and I never even got the chance to make it up to him. He probably feels like shit for messing up… and okay, I guess part of me is kinda mad at him for it. But honestly? I probably deserved it anyway.

And don’t even get me started about everyone else. Laurel and Damion were so angry. I mean, they’ve been such good friends to me since the day I moved in and all I ever did was feed them stupid lies and stories. Same with Victoria… Who the hell was I kidding thinking I ever had a chance with her? She was always way out of my league anyway. I always knew that. But she at least deserves someone who could be honest with her from the start. I know she hates me now… And I don’t think I can blame her one bit.

As for everyone else, I don’t even know what to think anymore. Some of them were totally pissed off, like Laurel and Damion… But others were so damn mean about it. It hurt so fucking much. I know I was a total dick for lying to them, but the way they laughed at me… Were they ever really my friends at all? Would a friend be so fucking cruel and heartless like that?

Ben told me weeks ago that I was way over my head with this whole thing… And he was right. I wasn’t ready for any of this… But now that it’s all over, I just feel so lost. My friends hate me. My cousins hate me.

The only person who still talks to me is Eun.

He came over the next day after the party, and let me kinda vent to him. And at the time, it seemed pretty cool… But I dunno. He sat there and listened, which was really nice of him. But then as soon as I finished, he told me he’d always had a feeling I wasn’t really a uni student, but it didn’t bother him, and he still wanted me to work for him.

“Don’t listen to those assholes, Zayne.” He said. “I’m your real friend, not them.” Then he handed me a few bills as an ‘advance’ and asked me if I’d be willing to do a couple of runs for him that afternoon.

How could I say no? He was being really nice to me. He’s the only person who’s still talking to me and not treating me any different than they used to… But is he really my friend? We barely even talk to each other, unless it’s about ‘business’.

I guess this whole delivery thing is just feeling weirder than ever now. I’ve always kinda known it, but I feel like I kinda ‘get’ it more than I used to… Maybe because I don’t have all those stupid lies and fake friends messing up my head anymore or something.

Working for Eun’s really dangerous… And it’s not right either. I really wanna stop. But I can’t. Not if I wanna be able to afford my apartment and keep living on my own.

But I guess I still haven’t even decided if I wanna do that anymore.

Everything’s just gone to shit around here. It’s all falling apart. And I guess I can’t help wondering if like… I dunno. Could this be a sign or something? Like… Maybe it’s finally time to give up? Go home to Tante Joce, tell her she was right all along…

But can I really do that, after all this time? How can I show my face back at home after everything that’s happened? How can I tell Tante Joce about all the stupid shit I’ve done?

I just don’t know what to do anymore.