5.30: Blew It

This fucking sucks.

Remember that rollercoaster I keep talking about?

Well, I think I’ve officially been thrown off the ride.

And it’s all my fault.

01-30-17_9-21-24-pm

At first, I wanted to blame Dom for it. I mean, he’s the one who let the cat out of the bag, really. But he was drunk and totally not thinking. How can I blame him for that? I wanted to, so damn badly. But I knew I couldn’t.

How could I seriously expect people to keep buying all those stupid lies? I’m almost surprised it even lasted this long. I guess I feel like I should be relieved or something. I mean, how long have I been complaining about keeping up this stupid act?

But I never wanted it all to end like this. My life is over now. What the hell do I even have left?

01-30-17_9-14-31-pm

Remi and River basically hate me now. They found out I was the one who invited all those people to their party… And if that wasn’t bad enough, they had to put up with a bunch of shit from their friends. I guess they got a lot of grief for helping me keep my secret from everybody. So this whole mess didn’t just hurt me, it hurt them too. I’ll be surprised if they ever even talk to me again after this one.

01-27-17_7-18-54-pm

Charlie’s already barely even talked to me since I skipped out on her birthday, and I was really hoping the other night would finally be a chance for things to be okay between us again… But instead I just ended up looking like a fucking idiot and running away before we even got a chance to talk or anything. I totally blew it.

01-27-17_7-21-01-pm

Dom will probably never wanna talk to me again either, at this rate. He was the only friend from school I even talk to anymore… If you can even count what we were doing lately as ‘talking’. I’ve been such a shitty friend, and I never even got the chance to make it up to him. He probably feels like shit for messing up… and okay, I guess part of me is kinda mad at him for it. But honestly? I probably deserved it anyway.

And don’t even get me started about everyone else. Laurel and Damion were so angry. I mean, they’ve been such good friends to me since the day I moved in and all I ever did was feed them stupid lies and stories. Same with Victoria… Who the hell was I kidding thinking I ever had a chance with her? She was always way out of my league anyway. I always knew that. But she at least deserves someone who could be honest with her from the start. I know she hates me now… And I don’t think I can blame her one bit.

01-27-17_7-22-33-pm

As for everyone else, I don’t even know what to think anymore. Some of them were totally pissed off, like Laurel and Damion… But others were so damn mean about it. It hurt so fucking much. I know I was a total dick for lying to them, but the way they laughed at me… Were they ever really my friends at all? Would a friend be so fucking cruel and heartless like that?

Ben told me weeks ago that I was way over my head with this whole thing… And he was right. I wasn’t ready for any of this… But now that it’s all over, I just feel so lost. My friends hate me. My cousins hate me.

The only person who still talks to me is Eun.

01-30-17_9-25-17-pm

He came over the next day after the party, and let me kinda vent to him. And at the time, it seemed pretty cool… But I dunno. He sat there and listened, which was really nice of him. But then as soon as I finished, he told me he’d always had a feeling I wasn’t really a uni student, but it didn’t bother him, and he still wanted me to work for him.

“Don’t listen to those assholes, Zayne.” He said. “I’m your real friend, not them.” Then he handed me a few bills as an ‘advance’ and asked me if I’d be willing to do a couple of runs for him that afternoon.

01-30-17_9-28-20-pm

How could I say no? He was being really nice to me. He’s the only person who’s still talking to me and not treating me any different than they used to… But is he really my friend? We barely even talk to each other, unless it’s about ‘business’.

I guess this whole delivery thing is just feeling weirder than ever now. I’ve always kinda known it, but I feel like I kinda ‘get’ it more than I used to… Maybe because I don’t have all those stupid lies and fake friends messing up my head anymore or something.

01-30-17_9-15-30-pm

Working for Eun’s really dangerous… And it’s not right either. I really wanna stop. But I can’t. Not if I wanna be able to afford my apartment and keep living on my own.

But I guess I still haven’t even decided if I wanna do that anymore.

Everything’s just gone to shit around here. It’s all falling apart. And I guess I can’t help wondering if like… I dunno. Could this be a sign or something? Like… Maybe it’s finally time to give up? Go home to Tante Joce, tell her she was right all along…

But can I really do that, after all this time? How can I show my face back at home after everything that’s happened? How can I tell Tante Joce about all the stupid shit I’ve done?

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

01-30-17_9-20-09-pm

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38 Responses to 5.30: Blew It

  1. shamanarza says:

    Are we entering Zayne’s Act Two? I think we’re getting into Act 2 now – the part of the story where everything starts falling apart and the bad choices the protagonist made in Act One start showing their nasty side.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Colourofmusic says:

    I feel so bad for Zayne, I really do. I’ve already said this, but this family really needs to communicate with each other. There is no shame in admitting you’ve fucked up and need help to fix it, especially when it comes to family. Just own this mistake and fix it.
    Looking forward to seeing what happens next. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hopefully communication can happen soon! Zayne can’t go on like this much longer as it is… the kid is miserable! But maybe he’ll make it work? 🙂

      Like

  3. Senna says:

    Yes, it’s all well and good that Zayne admits he done goofed.

    But who is to say that when he apologizes to everybody, that they won’t think he’s trying to cover his own ass, or soothe his ego? For all he knows, they’ll all just scoff and reject it, and he’ll somehow be even worse off than before.

    He better hope Jossy takes him back in (but then he’d have to deal with Chuck and her sisters, and they sure won’t be happy to see him)

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Well, if nothing else, my Rosebrooks tend to be pretty forgiving (minus Joce back with that Luc fiasco… but I think everyone learned a lesson from that one!)

      So there may be hope 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. audreyfld says:

    This worked out perfectly for Eun. He is now Zayne’s only “friend”. And Zayne has already started justifying why he has to keep on working for him even though he knows it’s how dangerous: 1 – he needs the money so he won’t look like more a loser and 2 – he is the only person that will talk to him. Better to rip off the bandaid now and go home and admit you were too young to do this than to get in so deep you can’t get out. But I wonder if he is already in too deep and just doesn’t know it.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. WWWWHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!

    Even in these moments of growth, there is still the justification for continued fucking up. I swear to Gawd, if I were the guardian of this kid, Remi would be the only male left under the age of 30. I would be in jail for murder. I’d have to end him for sheer stupidity, to cover up my tracks of poor parenting, and to keep him from inflicting himself further on the world.

    Once you know better, do better!!!

    Okay, I’m calm, just had to vent. I’m not necessarily removing my threat on Zayne’s life, but since I put it into a scenario that would never happen, I think we’re fine. We’re fine, right?

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hey, give the kid some credit haha he’s learning, slowly 😛 Dang though. Harsh 😂 *hides Zayne to protect him from Cece’s murderous ways*

      (Also, I’d argue that Joce is the best parent we’ve ever had in this legacy haha I don’t think she’s a poor parent 🙂 but that’s my opinion)

      Liked by 1 person

      • I agree with you about Joce, you know I think she can do no wrong (later we’ll unpack how unhealthy that opinions is).

        I’m merely stating how I’d feel if I were his guardian. I’d be a VERY different type of parent than her. Likely, Zayne would be better behaved, but in therapy if he were my kid, lol.

        LMAO at hiding Zayne to protect him from me.

        Liked by 1 person

        • CitizenErased14 says:

          Lol yes, I think you are the most forgiving of Joce out of every reader 😂 But hey, you are entitled to that (and I like that you’re her biggest fan haha for a while there you were probably her only one)

          Liked by 1 person

  6. sourocha1 says:

    Well, looks like life isn’t that good, huh? And eun must only be with you because of you “work”, and I don’t think he would be all that nice if zayne told him he don’t want to do that anymore…zayne, life will hit you. Hard. Just like most of your family’s problems, the problem is mainly you…but, let’s see, maybe he will get redenction?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Jes2G says:

    The jury is still out, Brat Prince…

    Liked by 2 people

  8. witchazard says:

    I’m really looking forward to how Zayne’s going to claw his way out of the whole he dug for himself! Or will he slowly sink further to his demise either way I wonder what kind of wine I should drink on the occasion White, Red, Or Black decisions decisions🤔

    Liked by 2 people

  9. lucky7s says:

    It’s a good sign that he’s realizing that he is the reason for the aftermaths of the party. He is accepting it as a responsible person that some people have trouble with. I’m happy for that (:

    As for Eun…I’m not sure if he’s playing him to gain his trust or if he is literally being sincere. I hope that Zayne doesn’t go straight to the only person who still acknowledges him. His motives are questionable ): Lastly, maybe it’s a good idea to call Mark because he is, in some ways, in a similar situation as Jossy 😔

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Zayne definitely has had a bit of growth here 🙂 And as for Eun… hard to say right now! Next chapter we will get some more insight into what’s going on with him. 🙂

      Like

  10. maladi777 says:

    “I’m your real friend not them.” Almost choked on my popcorn. Hehe, I knew he had a sense of humor. Now with all those questionable other friends out of the way, Eun can sink his talons even deeper into his innocent prey (does that rhyme?)
    Is there anyone beside me who wants to see Zayne crawl back home in shame after another disaster happens? 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  11. theplumbob says:

    Lol this is all very convenient for Eun 😀 Now that Zayne relies on him for everything, he’s pretty much his puppet. More trouble ahead, if that;’s possible, haha!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Brass Buckles says:

    Zayne, sweetie… Eun is using you and now he’s trying to isolate you from everyone else.

    I know Zayne is young but surely that whole “I’m the only one you can depend on” act is setting off some alarm bells for you… Eun is NOT his friend, and I’d be afraid of what he’s trying to groom him into doing. ‘Cause somehow, I doubt he’d be getting so friendly if he didn’t have plans… I think he’s trying to prepare Zayne to get into something even worse than just the deliveries he’s been doing. Or to do bigger, more dangerous deliveries.

    It’s never, ever good when someone’s trying to get you to depend solely on them. It’s how a lot of abusers work. I don’t know that Eun is trying to abuse Zayne (other than using him for illegal stuff), but… again, there’s something seriously Not Cool going on here.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      These are great words of advice for Zayne. It definitely seems like this could be leading to something bad… And as young and naive as he is, Zayne should recognize it! We’ll see what happens soon. 🙂 Thanks for reading (as always!)

      Like

  13. lisabeesims says:

    Trust me said the spider to the fly. I’m your real friend come on over here and sit a spell

    Liked by 1 person

  14. SpurklyNinja says:

    “My life is over now. What the hell do I even have left?”

    Well, you do have a loving family waiting for you at home, if they’ve forgiven you for the whole birthday incident.

    Also, don’t trust Eun. He’s trying to immure you and keep you from talking to your family. Be careful,

    Liked by 1 person

  15. theceltygirly says:

    ZAYNE, why you gotta do this. Eun isn’t your friend; he’s using you.
    Go home to you supportive albeit sometimes screwy family!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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