5.4: Fall Into Place

I just keep hoping things will get easier.

That I’ll finally stop feeling so stressed. So sad. So damn guilty.

But who am I kidding?

I guess the one good thing is I’m finally getting used to bouncing back and forth so much. We all are. Elliot, the girls, maman and Papa, Oma and Opa, Gus, Clara… And Zayne, too.

God, my heart just breaks for that little boy. He’s so pure and innocent. So naïve. So sweet. But angry too. Hurting. I can see it in his eyes. And it just makes my heart break even more.

I’ve been trying so hard to get to know him better. Connect. I want him to feel like he can trust me. But right now, we may as well be strangers. Until recently, a handful of Christmases together was all we had. I barely even know the poor kid.

But now, I guess we have the rest of our lives to get to know each other.

I just want to do right by him, y’know? I have to. I owe it to Luc.

It sounds so silly, but I’ve been having these terrible dreams lately, especially when I’m back home in Windenburg. I imagine that Luc’s in my bedroom, watching me sleep. But he doesn’t say anything or do anything… He just stares.

It’s like he’s watching me. Judging me. Silently reminding me of all the times I’d let him down over the years. And making sure I don’t do it again.

I want to tell him I won’t let him down. That he made the right choice. That I’ll take care of his son. That I never should have hung up on him on our birthday. And that I should have told him I love him when I had the chance.

But whenever I try to talk to him, the dream’s over. He’s gone.

I know it’s just my guilty conscience getting to me… But it feels so real. And it reminds me that I can’t mess this up. For Luc. And more importantly, for Zayne too.

That’s why I know moving back home is the right thing to do. It’s what’s best for Zayne. I can feel it.

And it finally looks like it’ll become a reality.

Opa Diego’s been using his connections to try and help Elliot find a job. That was the one condition we’d settled on – if he could find a better job in Windenburg than the one he has now in Willow Creek, he’d do it. He’d follow me and the girls to Germany.

Now all I’ve gotta do is wait and pray that Opa comes through. He’s been retired for a few years now, but he keeps telling me he still has connections with some of the marketing executives at his old company. And a few of his competitors’ companies too, from the sounds of it.

It’s almost hard to believe how quickly things are starting to fall into place. It’s barely been three months since the fire. And with any luck, I’ll be moved back into my parents’ house by Christmas.

I still haven’t quite figured out how I feel about it yet. It all feels so surreal. Coming home again. Bringing my girls back to where I grew up… And not just for a visit this time. For good.

Part of me is definitely looking forward to it. I’m so excited for the girls to get a chance to really know my side of the family. And I think it’ll be really nice, y’know? Seeing my old friends again, being back with my family… I really need them right now, maybe more than I ever had. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.

And I think they need me too.

There’s just one complication…

And it’s kind of a big one.

I guess I’m just not completely ready to have Mark back in my life again. It just feels…

I don’t know.

It’s been so long. Things have changed so much. I’m not the same person I was back then. And neither is he. Especially not after what happened to Hazel.

But sometimes, when I look at him, I think about that night after the memorial. I think about how good it felt to be in his arms again. To feel him inside me. To be so connected to him again. It almost felt like…

Ugh. No. I need to stop thinking like that. That ship has already sailed… a long time ago. He’s hurt me too many times already. I’m not going to let him do it again.

And it doesn’t even matter anyway. None of it does.

I can’t waste my time worrying about Mark anymore. The only thing that matters now are my kids.

All four of them.