5.4: Fall Into Place

I just keep hoping things will get easier.

That I’ll finally stop feeling so stressed. So sad. So damn guilty.

But who am I kidding?

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I guess the one good thing is I’m finally getting used to bouncing back and forth so much. We all are. Elliot, the girls, maman and Papa, Oma and Opa, Gus, Clara… And Zayne, too.

God, my heart just breaks for that little boy. He’s so pure and innocent. So naïve. So sweet. But angry too. Hurting. I can see it in his eyes. And it just makes my heart break even more.

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I’ve been trying so hard to get to know him better. Connect. I want him to feel like he can trust me. But right now, we may as well be strangers. Until recently, a handful of Christmases together was all we had. I barely even know the poor kid.

But now, I guess we have the rest of our lives to get to know each other.

I just want to do right by him, y’know? I have to. I owe it to Luc.

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It sounds so silly, but I’ve been having these terrible dreams lately, especially when I’m back home in Windenburg. I imagine that Luc’s in my bedroom, watching me sleep. But he doesn’t say anything or do anything… He just stares.

It’s like he’s watching me. Judging me. Silently reminding me of all the times I’d let him down over the years. And making sure I don’t do it again.

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I want to tell him I won’t let him down. That he made the right choice. That I’ll take care of his son. That I never should have hung up on him on our birthday. And that I should have told him I love him when I had the chance.

But whenever I try to talk to him, the dream’s over. He’s gone.

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I know it’s just my guilty conscience getting to me… But it feels so real. And it reminds me that I can’t mess this up. For Luc. And more importantly, for Zayne too.

That’s why I know moving back home is the right thing to do. It’s what’s best for Zayne. I can feel it.

And it finally looks like it’ll become a reality.

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Opa Diego’s been using his connections to try and help Elliot find a job. That was the one condition we’d settled on – if he could find a better job in Windenburg than the one he has now in Willow Creek, he’d do it. He’d follow me and the girls to Germany.

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Now all I’ve gotta do is wait and pray that Opa comes through. He’s been retired for a few years now, but he keeps telling me he still has connections with some of the marketing executives at his old company. And a few of his competitors’ companies too, from the sounds of it.

It’s almost hard to believe how quickly things are starting to fall into place. It’s barely been three months since the fire. And with any luck, I’ll be moved back into my parents’ house by Christmas.

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I still haven’t quite figured out how I feel about it yet. It all feels so surreal. Coming home again. Bringing my girls back to where I grew up… And not just for a visit this time. For good.

Part of me is definitely looking forward to it. I’m so excited for the girls to get a chance to really know my side of the family. And I think it’ll be really nice, y’know? Seeing my old friends again, being back with my family… I really need them right now, maybe more than I ever had. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.

And I think they need me too.

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There’s just one complication…

And it’s kind of a big one.

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I guess I’m just not completely ready to have Mark back in my life again. It just feels…

I don’t know.

It’s been so long. Things have changed so much. I’m not the same person I was back then. And neither is he. Especially not after what happened to Hazel.

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But sometimes, when I look at him, I think about that night after the memorial. I think about how good it felt to be in his arms again. To feel him inside me. To be so connected to him again. It almost felt like…

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Ugh. No. I need to stop thinking like that. That ship has already sailed… a long time ago. He’s hurt me too many times already. I’m not going to let him do it again.

And it doesn’t even matter anyway. None of it does.

I can’t waste my time worrying about Mark anymore. The only thing that matters now are my kids.

All four of them.

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42 Responses to 5.4: Fall Into Place

  1. Trip says:

    The ship has sailed, but the wreckage is forever! We can rebuild! With Mark. 😉

    Liked by 4 people

  2. Mumei No says:

    Now, I wonder…is just a conscidence that both Joce and Tobi had weird thoughts about Luc? Oris this going to go supernatural, or someone crazy/creppy? Let’s see…Good for you, Joce, you really have to focus on your childrem, not in your Ross/Rachel relationship…maybe later?

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      That’s a really good question! We’ll have to wait and see.

      And yes, Joce’s focus is definitely on her kids right now 🙂 no time for Mark! Haha

      Like

  3. Senna says:

    “To feel him inside me”

    TMI JOSSY TMI

    But good thing she’s trying to do right by her kids (yes, all four of them)

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Spottydog714 says:

    Hmm. Marklyne – I’m suspicious. And what about all the times you hurt him?

    Like

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Well, I’m not sure Jocelyne really did much to hurt Mark. She was usually on the receiving end, I think haha Though I know a lot depends on perspective/point of view

      Like

  5. audreyfld says:

    I also had the thought that both Tobi and Jocelyn seeing Luc in their dreams is going to go a little supernatural where Luc is trying to comfort them not haunt them. Maybe to bring them peace.

    I am glad she is focusing on Zayne. Hopefully the girls will not feel left out. Elliott coming will help that. I bet when he has the girls, that Mark, her and Zayne will do something together like take him to the zoo or the park and start to reconnect.

    Yes, I still have hope for Markyln. She still has feelings for him, we saw that today and we know he still loves her. Yes, they have changed, but I feel like they could be a huge comfort to each other and fill the void that has been in their lives ever since he originally broke up with her. He just has to make her trust him again. I don’t know if she will fall into bed with him again without a commitment though. But that seems to be their modus operandi! Lol.

    Nice to finally see and hear from Jocelyn again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Yeah having Elliot there will really help make the transition so much easier for the girls! And I am glad you haven’t given up on Marklyne 🙂 Though it remains to be seen what the future holds for them. And like you said, they have a strange habit of sleeping together every time they’re in the same room 😂 But yes, hopefully it won’t happen again. We will see! 😛

      Like

  6. CitizenErased14 says:

    That is a beautiful story! Thank you so much for sharing your experience 🙂 ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  7. DanaColourful says:

    Reading these chapters is really hard at the moment. So much pain. I have been lucky enough to never have been in a situation where I unexpectedly lost a loved one. It was always after long periods of declining health where with all the tears and pain there was always that little bit of relief and consolation when that their suffering was over. Just thinking about what the rosebrooks must feel like now is heartbreaking. Luc and Hazel were young and left behind this poor child who will have to deal with this for ever, as will the rest of the family but they aren’t to young to understand what’s going on.
    But I have to say Joce is much stronger than she knows. And I think letting go of Marklyne is a good decision too. (Although knowing them…) She finally needs to allow herself to move on. Right now it would just complicate things even more anyway. and Lord knows they don’t need that!

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I am also lucky enough to not have any first-hand experience with what the poor Rosebrooks are going through, thankfully! But it’s definitely hard to write. And probably read too. So I appreciate you sticking with me and my story even when things are so heavy!

      I think Joce is strong too, and I definitely think focusing on the kids is the best thing for everyone right now 🙂 Thank you for reading!

      Liked by 2 people

  8. fabtiffsim says:

    Elliot is a real stand up guy. I can appreciate that. Does Luc have a ghostee hanging around anywhere?

    Like

  9. hammyskyblu123 says:

    Now I seriously think Lucas’s ghost is visiting people in their sleep now. 😌

    Liked by 1 person

  10. maladi777 says:

    Are we to expect the arrival of Luc’s ghost in the upcoming chapters?
    It’s not fair that Mark is all alone. Joce has a big family. He’s got only occasional visits of Zayne. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hahaha a ghost appearance? That seems to be a popular theory brewing. We’ll see!

      And the good thing with Mark is that he essentially visits the Rosebrooks daily. He’s always welcome there. So he’s not quite as alone as you think 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  11. fairlyvocal says:

    Hmmm. I hope the Lucas phenomena that Joce and Tobi are experiencing is supernatural. I love stuff like that! Joce– YOU CANNOT TELL US WHEN A SHIP HAS SAILED AND WHEN IT HASN’T. WE ARE THE SHIPPERS, NOT YOU!!!!!!!!
    I hope Zayne and the girls are getting along okay. I’m also glad Elliot found a job. Now he won’t have to die!

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Jes2G says:

    Hmmm…
    I think it’s interesting that Jocelyne still cannot understand why Mark keeps rejecting her. Although she appears to have moved out of la la land, it seems all the memories still reside there.
    I’m glad Elliot will be moving although I think he should be knighted lol. I’d love to be a fly on the wall in his mom’s kitchen lol.

    Like

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Well, Mark hasn’t done any sort of rejection this time 😛 They had sex that one night after the memorial, but have not had any sort of romantic interaction since. She’s been keeping her distance from him. I think she understands the reasons for his past rejections, but it doesn’t make them hurt any less (and it doesn’t mean she 100% agrees with those reasons 😛 )

      And yes, Elliot is a saint hahaha. He’s just too nice, unfortunately. Which means giving up a lot for this dang woman who keeps breaking his heart XD

      Liked by 1 person

  13. SpurklyNinja says:

    That dream she’s been having? Yeah, I have a sneaking suspicion that it is Luc’s ghost……. but we’ll see… 😉

    Good on her for trying to put her 4 kids before Mark, but a couple of thoughts:
    -“To feel him inside me.” oooooKAY then…. Wow
    -That ship “has sailed”, huh? Is that you trying to put this Marklyne ship on the bottom of the ocean, Citizen? XD
    -“He’s hurt me way too many times already.” Sure, he’s hurt you, Joce, but I do think that he’s been hurting because of you, too. While you haven’t been doing anything directly, I suppose coming on to him multiple times and making him reject you because he’s trying to be the “good guy” has to be hard for Mark.

    And MY GOSH, Elliot! Now I really feel bad for this dude. He’s such a great guy for agreeing to move to a completely different country WITH THE EX THAT CHEATED ON HIM, just to stay with his kids. I’m sorry I ever doubted you, man…. 😀

    Wow, this drama is exhausting. 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Okay, I will try to address all your points 🙂

      -LMAO You are the second person traumatized by the “inside me” line. 😛 We had Tobi fingering Colette in the shower back in Gen 4… This is tame! 😉

      -I MAY have used the phrase “that ship has sailed” on purpose as an inside joke to the shippers out there 😉

      -It’s true, he has hurt quite a bit because of her. Rejecting her has hurt him a lot too. Lots of hurt on both sides, though if we are talking about direct action, I think Mark wins haha.

      -Elliot is truly a saint. Too kind. He’s the Jonas of Gen 5 hahahahaha. 😛

      Liked by 1 person

  14. kaffepigen says:

    I love that Jocelyne is so commited to her children and Zayne. It really shows how she is as a person, that she takes on the responsibility of her brother’s kid, when they have had so much trouble between them for so many years before his death.

    And she’s been seeing him too, in her dreams? Maybe he really is there, visiting their dreams to tell them that he is watching over them. I wonder if Jocelyne and Tobias will be able to talk to him at some point. I definitely don’t think that they are just imagining it anymore.

    I adore Zayne. He is so pure and innocent. He needs all the support from his family right now, through the tough times. I hope his counseling can help him understand better what has happened to him and that it will help him through his anger and hurt, I actually half suspected him to feel hurt that his parents left him. Even though they died, he might have thought they were abandoning him to a person (jocelyne) that he doesn’t even really know that well.
    I hope he will get better before his teen years so he won’t be rebelling too much (though that would definitely make some interesting chapters).

    Awesome chapter! I loved how you portrayed Jocelyne and Elliot, struggling to find him a job so he can move with her and the triplets. I hope it works out for them. What exactly does he do for a living right now?

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I’m glad you enjoyed this one so much 🙂 And you bring up a great point about how Zayne could feel toward his parents… all I’ll say for now is that the way he expresses his grief will change a bit over time. It will definitely be interesting to see what he’s like as a teen!

      Elliot is some low level business job. Basically a paper-pusher haha. He majored in International Business in college (why he studied abroad in Germany for a semester!) so a marketing job at a company in Windenburg would be right up his alley. Hopefully it works out!

      Liked by 1 person

  15. lisabeesims says:

    Unrequited love … a terrible ache

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Derubelle says:

    Those urns.. they’re not without purpose amiright? 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hahaha well, right now the family isn’t quite sure what they want to do with the ashes, so they’re holding on to them while they work through the grief and stuff 🙂

      Like

  17. theceltygirly says:

    “That ship has already sailed… a long time ago.” Lol XD a little homage to the shippers.
    I’m ready for happy stuff 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  18. kaycee39 says:

    Ok I’m back 🙂. I secretly want her to get back with Mark although that could be pretty weird for Zayne….Grandpa with Auntie/Guardian/Step-Grandma lol idk. I wonder what their life really would have been like if they had stayed together hmmmm 🤔. I’m glad Elliot is moving back with them because that would have totally been unfair for him and his girls. Well either way adjustments would have had to be made. Elliot so good, it’s a shame that she never loved him. The light we call Mark was to strong for the moth we call Jocelyne Hahahaha.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I’m glad you’ve stayed loyal to your ship! 😛 Time will tell if it’ll ever sail again though… could definitely be a little odd for Zayne haha

      And yessss Elliot 😦 Heart of gold. I think part of Joce will always feel bad that she never loved him too. She knows he deserved better than her 😦

      Like

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