It just won’t stop.
I keep waiting and waiting, but it won’t go away, no matter what I do. Not even when things finally start feeling normal again… Which they have been, lately.
Having Jocelyne back is helping a little. My baby girl is home again… Or she will be soon, at least. And I can’t wait until she is. Lettie and I have been helping re-decorate some of the old bedrooms for her and the girls, and we already have Zayne set up in Lucas’ old room.
We love having him here with us, and I know we’ll love having the triplets too. It’s nice having some light around the house again, y’know? And my God, could we use it.
It still creeps up on me, though. All the time. When I least expect it.
Maybe it’s a comment Lettie makes about Lucas. Or the way Zayne smiles and looks so damn much like his Vater. Or sometimes it’s catching a glimpse of an old photo at the wrong time. Or thinking about what’s inside that urn almost every time I walk by it.
Something always manages to bring it back. The thing under the sheet. The thing that used to be my son.
It’s mostly at night, when I’m sleeping… Or trying to. Sometimes I just can’t. It’s like I can hear his voice or something. A whisper, y’know? Barely there. Maybe even in my head. But I can’t ignore it. It’s like he’s calling out to me, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t make out the words.
So I open my eyes, and look into the darkness. But it’s empty. There’s nothing there.
Well… Almost nothing.
I try so hard to be strong for Lettie. I know losing Lucas is killing her just as much as it’s killing me… But she doesn’t know how lucky she is. She never had to see what I saw. What I still see.
It’s like it’s following me everywhere, no matter what I do. I see it all the time. And it’s not normal. I know it isn’t.
But I don’t know how to make it stop.
I don’t think anything can.