4.60: Drowning

This is so much harder than I thought it would be.

10-20-16_6-55-14-pm

I’ve already ripped two pages full of half-finished sentences out of this thing. I just can’t figure out how to even begin… I can’t believe I used to write almost every day. It used to feel so easy. Second nature. Like breathing or something.

This feels more like drowning.

10-20-16_6-57-32-pm

I couldn’t stand another minute seeing maman and Papa cry like that, so I came back up here to my old room to be alone. And once I got up here, I didn’t really know what else to do but just… write. Get it all out, like I used to. But that’s already so much easier said than done.

I mean look at me, rambling about how long it’s been since I’ve written. Avoiding talking about the hard stuff. The stuff that’s been keeping me up every night for days. The stuff that’s been making me cry my eyes out for hours on end. The stuff that makes me hate myself.

10-20-16_6-56-26-pm

I found my old journal still sitting here on the book shelf. A physical reminder of all the pain I’d gone through, way back before I’d left home. I flipped back through some of the old pages… And what I read made me sick.

All the horrible things I’d said about Luc… How much I hated him, despised him…

10-20-16_6-52-48-pm

God, I wish I could take it all back. I’d give anything. I’d do anything. But it’s too late now. I can’t change anything. I can’t make things right. And I can’t bring Luc back. No matter how much I want to.

Even writing his name just… hurts. I feel so ashamed. So guilty. So…

Fuck.

10-20-16_7-00-47-pm

I just keep replaying it again and again in my mind… That last phone call, on our birthday. It was almost four months ago now… But I can still almost hear the sound of his voice.

He told me he loved me. He said he missed me.

10-15-16_5-14-47-pm

And I was such a stubborn piece of shit that I couldn’t even say it back, even though I wanted to. And then I hung up on him, knowing he had more to say. Because I was too busy holding on to some stupid fucking grudge.

Yes, he hurt me. Yes, he was an asshole. Yes, he always got picked over me. And yes, he was largely responsible one of the biggest losses of my entire life, until now.

But how many years did he spend trying to apologize for it? How many times did I ignore his emails and calls? How many times did I practically run away from him to avoid a conversation?

10-10-16_3-35-49-pm

I told myself years ago that I’d never forgive him.

But now I know I’ll never be able to forgive myself.

10-20-16_6-49-53-pm 10-20-16_6-50-19-pm

I never gave Luc a chance to make things right. And I never gave Hazel a chance to do anything. I barely even got to know her.

And now I never can. Because they’re gone. They were killed. In probably one of the worst ways imaginable.

I literally threw up once, thinking about it. I barely made it to the bathroom in time. My brother. My Luc. Spending his final moments in so much pain. Burning in his own bed…

10-20-16_6-27-33-pm

No one deserves that. Especially not him…

It’s just not fair.

It’s not fair to their little boy, Zayne. He still doesn’t even fully understand what’s happened, I don’t think. But he will, one day. He’s got a tough road ahead of him, and it just breaks my heart. I can’t help but think about my little ones, all the way back at home with their father. Where would they be without me? Without Elliot? I can’t even bear to think about it.

10-20-16_5-44-18-pm

And it’s not fair to our family either. I can’t stand seeing them like this. They look so… empty. Hollow. Broken. I really don’t think they’ll ever be the same again… especially maman and Papa. And again, it gets me thinking about my sweet little Charlie. My mischievous Alex. My shy little Tony. How would I go on if I ever lost one of them? It’s something I don’t even want to imagine…

10-20-16_5-58-56-pm

But my parents don’t have to imagine that hell… Because they’re living it. And so is Mark.

And it’s not fair to him, either.

Hazel was everything to him. His only child. The baby he’d raised on his own. And she was taken from him, just like Luc was taken from us.

I saw him at the memorial this afternoon. It was the first time I’ve seen him in nearly six years. Since the night of Luc and Hazel’s wedding…

10-10-16_4-40-01-pm

He looked so much older. So different. Still so handsome… But so broken, too.

And it killed me to see him like that. His eyes were dead. Lifeless. Just like Papa’s.

10-20-16_6-01-17-pm

I should have gone to him and held him. I should have tried to comfort him… and let him try to comfort me too. But I didn’t. I was too afraid. It’s been so long. It was just… too hard. I thought maybe it would have been easier if we spoke alone… But I never got the chance. I let it slip away.

10-20-16_6-06-59-pm

And I shouldn’t have.

I need to talk to him. I need to be there for him. I need him to hold me.

I need him to lie, just like he used to, and tell me that everything will be okay.

10-20-16_7-03-01-pm

———————————————–

10-20-16_7-25-27-pm 10-20-16_7-26-34-pm 10-20-16_7-30-18-pm 10-20-16_7-31-36-pm 10-20-16_7-33-20-pm 10-20-16_7-35-33-pm 10-20-16_7-36-19-pm 10-20-16_7-36-51-pm 10-20-16_7-37-45-pm 10-20-16_7-38-11-pm 10-20-16_7-39-56-pm 10-20-16_7-43-50-pm 10-20-16_8-12-19-pm 10-20-16_8-13-39-pm 10-20-16_7-52-46-pm 10-20-16_7-52-27-pm 10-20-16_8-00-09-pm 10-20-16_8-00-33-pm 10-20-16_8-00-46-pm 10-20-16_7-55-52-pm 10-20-16_7-55-59-pm 10-20-16_7-58-40-pm 10-20-16_8-03-06-pm 10-20-16_7-54-30-pm 10-20-16_8-10-29-pm 10-20-16_8-08-11-pm 10-20-16_8-05-38-pm

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

56 Responses to 4.60: Drowning

  1. Senna says:

    Now this is a hell of a conundrum.

    On the one hand, they finally get to be together. On the other hand, their loved ones died for that to happen.

    I’m sensing a lot of guilt’s going to be surrounding all this.

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      This is definitely tricky for both Joce and Mark right now. So much horrible loss, yet they’ve also both found each other back in the other’s life. Though I will say that their hookup after the memorial does not 100% guarantee that they’re really getting back together. We’ll have to wait and see what happens there.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. audreyfld says:

    I actually got chills reading this. And teary eyed too. It was so sad to see everyone grieving. And it was duly noted that everyone had that special, intimate someone they can lean on to help them through their grief and eventually cope – except for Mark and Jocelyn. I am so glad she went to him. They need each other now more than ever. I just hope you let them be this time! No more sinking my ship! They wasted 6 years! No more!!!!

    I really hope they get married and raise Zayne as their own along with Jocelyn’s triplets. It would be good for both Mark and Jocelyn too to raise Luc’s and Hazel’s child. It would be good for him to be a part of a family with siblings. I hope he will be able to adapt to that.

    Liked by 3 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      This was most definitely yet another emotional one (A lot of those lately… sorry haha). And you are so right that Joce and Mark both doesn’t have anyone they can really turn to right now. It’s so sad!

      We’ll have to wait and see if their night together actually means any kind of long term reconciliation, as well as what the future holds for everyone 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • audreyfld says:

        Stop it! Quit trying to derail their happiness…Now I know Jocelyn has a LOT of guilt to get through and I think the only person that can help her do that is Mark, and I can only hope that her family encourages her to go to him. Her family has long since reconciled themselves to the fact that they should be together and they were wrong for blocking it.

        Like

        • CitizenErased14 says:

          Haha I’m not trying to derail their happiness! I’m trying to stay true to my story and characters 🙂 We will see what lies ahead. It’s still very much up in the air.

          Liked by 1 person

  3. kaffepigen says:

    Oh wow. This was both so sad and so happy.

    I knew they would get together again some day! Hopefullyn they will stay together and have babies :3 I think it would lighten things in the family, especially for Mark, if they had a little baby together. A new beginning. Maybe that would give Mark a spark in his eyes once again ❤ I feel for him and the Rosebrooks!

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Well, we’ll have to wait and see whether their night together actually leads to them getting back together. So we will have to wait and see what the future has in store for both of them! But I like that you have an optimistic/positive dream for them 🙂

      Like

    • Techinally, if Joy and Mark DID have a kid of any kid-he (Mark) would most likely be dead before the kid hit their teen years.

      Like

      • CitizenErased14 says:

        I don’t think that’s necessarily true. Though it would depend on when Joce got pregnant. Mark is only 52 right now. If he had a kid right now he could easily live until the child is in their 30s 🙂

        Like

  4. Spottydog714 says:

    The Marklyne triumph has fallen horribly flat. I don’t even care. It’s just too ironic that loved ones had to die for them to get to this place. I just wish Joce would have forgiven Luc.

    I forgive you. It’s like I love you. Just three little words can change someone’s life, and can change your own. They should be words people aren’t too scared to say. They should be words everyone can hear. We should get to hear these words, because we all mess up so badly, the only way to make it right is beg to forgive, because sometimes, nothing in this world can fix it and we all need love, we all need someone we can cry with and we all need someone we can laugh with.

    How long has it been, Joce? How long has it been since you’ve said ‘I love you’ to someone other than your kids? And how long has it been since you’ve said ‘I forgive you’ to someone other than your kids? And how long will it be till you can love yourself, and how long will it be you can forgive yourself?

    I got really deep. I honestly have no idea how. Maybe I’ve just done too much analysis lately. :p

    Liked by 3 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I wouldn’t call it a “triumph” haha. Everyone is jumping to a lot of conclusions/assumptions today! 😛

      I like your words of wisdom for Joce about forgiveness. And I think you are so right that she really needs to learn to love and forgive HERSELF right now too, as well as extending those feelings toward others. It will be so much better for her if she can learn to do that!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. hammyskyblu123 says:

    I feel like Jocelyne needs a big hug right now. **hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Jes2G says:

    Wow. Sheesh! This was painful. And, yeah, you should feel like crap right now, Joce, but still…I’m extremely sorry for your loss. Hopefully you’ll teach your children about grudges…and anyone else you come in contact with.
    On the Mark front, I feel conflicted. I know this doesn’t mean they’re back together. Frankly, I’m not sure if they’ll ever be together now. I’m not sure if I even want them to! On one hand, I think it was a good idea for her to go over there simply because Mark has no one now and shouldn’t be alone. But, on the other hand, I think it was a terrible idea. For me it has to do with the mindset she was in when she went: sorta kinda selfishly. Like, I know she said she wanted him to cry on her shoulder, but the majority of her wants had to do with him doing things to her which makes me feel like she hasn’t learned anything yet from all their failed attempts at being together and even the things Mark tried to tell her when they were breaking up and even before (how do you like that run on sentence? lol). However…we’ll see!

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I love all your conflicted feelings here haha but I also totally understand too. The Mark/Joce thing is so complicated now. (I’m glad you recognize that this doesn’t mean they’re back together haha). I think whether they end up together again or not, they have a lot of crap to work through if they want any kind of even friendly relationship. So much has changed and there’s so much history between them that I think they need to work through.

      This is all heartbreaking in every way haha

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jes2G says:

        I think Mark would love to work toward being friends, but Jocelyne still has a vacation home in la la land! How can we get her to come out of the clouds? It’s not going to work unless she’s onboard, and right now I’m not sure if she’s completely onboard; her bags are in the overhead compartment, but her body is not on the plane lol.

        Liked by 2 people

  7. Mumei No says:

    I really thought the thing in Zay’s face was something dirty in my screen, but it was the scar on his face..oh, well…And It’s very sad to see all the family like this, and, I’m really worry about Joce, now, regret is one of the things that hurt more. And I have question about her relation with Mark..The innaly say”screw it!” or Jocelyn felt something beside sadness after all this time, and is desperately trying to connect to that emotion? If it’s the second emotion, I’m worry, because if she decides she has t have sex to be happy…things are going worse.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. witchazard says:

    I don’t know if I’m seeing the things but does Zayne have a burn mark on his face? If not I’m going to need to get me eyes checked. But if he does that’s so realistic even if he got over the lost emotionally he will always have a physical reminder. I’m on the fence about Marklyne. Call me a sadist but I don’t feel like everything always has a happy ending. Tragedy sometimes just feels right. (Plus since one of the adorable triplets will be the heir I’ve lost the drive for wanting a Marklyne nooboo.)

    Liked by 1 person

  9. kaffepigen says:

    I have a feeling that this will cause Zayne to be a depressed emo kid in his teens. With make up and everything ❤

    Like

  10. DanaColourful says:

    Finally they talked! What they did afterwards may not have been the best decision though. But I guess they are both incredibly vulnerable right now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Vulnerable is the perfect way to put it! This is an incredibly difficult time for both of them and I think they both just needed to feel that connection. But yeah. Maybe not the wisest move haha

      Liked by 1 person

  11. SpurklyNinja says:

    Damn, this sucks. You see now, Joce, how a grudge is a thing you should never hold. Regret and guilt… *hugs* 😦

    Another thing, while I am interested in the fact that Joce and Mark hooked up, I’m honestly a bit….shall we say… dubious by her reason for visiting. It also sucks that people close to them had to die for them to open their eyes.

    And Zayne! 😥 The scars, physical and emotional…. *giant hug

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Yogiwonks says:

    I feel so bad for Zayne. I mean I feel bad for all of them, but especially the kid. Losing your parents is awful!
    I’m glad he at least isn’t alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. fabtiffsim says:

    That was pretty sad. It’s not even like they get to be happy to get back together! If that’s what it even is I guess… who will raise Zayne? Who are his god parents?

    Liked by 1 person

  14. So… Is Joce now going to hold a grudge against herself forever? Where is Mari? I bet she could talk some sense into her, let her know that switching from hating others to hating yourself is a terrible plan, that is if she is doing okay herself to even notice how Joce is doing. Maybe she and Mark can grieve and heal together? I don’t know, but this doesn’t look good. The whole family is so sad and Joce folding in on herself isn’t good for anyone. In the picture at the memorial service, almost everyone is hugging someone else, and Joce is just standing there alone. So sad.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Right now, Joce is definitely beating herself up, that’s for sure! I love that you brought up Mari — she definitely knows a thing or two about learning to forgive yourself! We’ll have to see what happens there.

      But yes, it’s like you said, everyone else had someone at the funeral except Joce and Mark. That’s a big part of why she went to him. They both needed comfort.

      Liked by 1 person

  15. CitizenErased14 says:

    It may be a glimmer of hope 🙂 but don’t start celebrating yet 😛

    Like

  16. raerei says:

    Those two. … Either they need to get together for real or never see each other again. They just cannot not be together. So either Markylne up and do it….or get out. No more of this yoyoing around. It’s been long enough, time to be adults about the whole thing.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. theceltygirly says:

    Every generation of yours just gets sadder and more torturous. By the final generation all of the readers will be survivors returning from the war.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. misfit913 says:

    This was sad and happy at the same time. I kept seeing the new chapters pop up in my feed and wondered what was wrong with that guy’s face. Now, I finally know it was Zayne from the fire.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. addbratlove225 says:

    Is it bad that my brain started singing Could We Start Again Please from Jesus Christ Superstar halfway through this chapter? Whoops.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s