4.52: Hate

I hate them. I hate every single one of them.

I hate Clara for looking at me with so much goddamn pity in her eyes all the time. I hate her for still inviting Florian over, and talking about the babies in front of me. I hate her for constantly shoving her happiness in my face.

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I hate Oma and Opa too. I hate Opa for being such a fucking coward that he never even stood up to maman and Papa for me. I hate Oma for coming all the way here just to lie to my face and make me believe everything would be okay.

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I hate Gus for not fighting harder for me. I hate him for letting everyone else gang up on me after EVERYTHING I’ve done for him. I hate him for being allowed to be happy while I’m left with nothing.

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I hate maman for the way she cries and tries to guilt me in every voicemail she leaves. I hate her for talking about me like I’m some helpless child. I hate her for the way she looked at me when she saw me hold Mark’s hand for the first time.

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I hate Papa even more. I hate him for all the terrible things he said to Mark. I hate him for thinking I’m too young to make my own decisions. I hate him for treating his own child like she’s some kind of freak. I hate him for picking Luc’s happiness over mine.

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Luc… I think I hate him most of all. Him and that fucking bitch Hazel. I hate them for being happy. For being allowed to be happy. I hate them for being so goddman selfish. I hate them for pressuring Mark until he broke… And broke us too.

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And Mark… I hate that my family could never understand how much he loves me. I hate that they never saw how gentle, and kind, and loving he is. I hate that they made him lose sight of what matters. I hate that he believed their lies.

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I hate that I’ll never get to touch him or smell him or taste him again. I hate that I let him inside my heart. And most of all, I hate that he broke it.

But I don’t hate him.

I know I should. I should hate him more than anyone.

But I don’t. I can’t hate him, no matter how much I want to, or how hard I try.

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But I can hate the rest of them. Easily.

I hate them for taking away the one good thing in my life. For stealing the happiness I’ve always dreamed of. For destroying the love I will never find again.

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How many years have I stood on the sidelines and watched my family be happy? How long have I let them put Luc and Clara before me? How long have they walked all over me like I’m nothing?

And now they’re doing it again, worse than ever before.

This is their fault. They did this to us. They took Mark away from me.

And I will never — NEVER — forgive them.

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58 Responses to 4.52: Hate

  1. azzywoods says:

    Jocelyne, there could be someone else! I understand her feelings, but she seems to be being a tad dramatic right now. I mean srsly girl, Mark isn’t the only person in the world.

    *slow clap for the fam, goshdarn it guys*

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Senna says:

    It’s okay, Jossy. No one blames you for hating your family. Just because they’re related to you by blood, doesn’t mean you have to love them.

    But now I’m almost expecting her to send Luc a message saying, “Congrats on the engagement, you figuratively sororicidal, pathetic excuse for a human being.”

    Then again, that would require her to contact him, and I doubt she really wants to do that right now.

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Yeah, she definitely has no interest in contacting her brother right now :-/ even if it was to express her anger haha This experience has seriously broken her 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  3. kaffepigen says:

    I feel so sad for Jocelyne 😥 This is so hard for her. Losing the love of her life because of her family. I totally understand her hate towards her family, but i think time will heal. At least towards her grandmother and grandfather and Clara/Florian and Gus. They shouldn’t stop being happy just because she is unhappy. Of course they shouldn’t. But i do get that it feels like they are holding it right up under her nose. She needs time to heal.

    I still think the ideas i gave you yesterday on origin are possible. Give it time Joce. Time will heal you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I hope you’re right about time healing 🙂 Like you said, some of the family have actually been pretty good to her. But right now she’s kind of in a blind rage and blaming everyone :-/

      Liked by 1 person

  4. audreyfld says:

    Ohhh. She is soooo bitter. But I get why she would be. She has supported her family without judgement in everything they ever did and never asked for anything in return. When she needs their support they weren’t around. Even Clara is getting her hate rays cast upon her. I don’t know how much time has passed but I am shocked that Clara didn’t storm over to Luc and Hazel and tell them what huge jerks they were. Maybe she has already done that. So what is next? I guess she graduates and maybe leaves town. I would expect that is what she has to do for her sanity. She can’t ever be around Luc and Hazel. It would be too painful. Then we know she is there for Clara and Florians wedding, at least you told us she was even if we didn’t see her in your teaser. Maybe that is when she reconnects with Mark. There is still hope. She doesn’t hate him and he told her he would always love her soooo…..I haven’t given up yet. I wonder if she will ever forgive Tobi and Luc.

    Liked by 2 people

    • kaffepigen says:

      I don’t think Mark will be at Clarian’s wedding, since he’s not related to them 😉

      Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Oh I think everyone got an earful from Clara hahaha we’ll see in the next chapter that Tobi and Colette did, and I’m sure Luc and Hazel did as well. Clara is 100% on Joce’s side right now, but Joce is so hurt that she’s misdirecting some of her anger that way right now.

      We’ll see soon what’s next for Joce. There are many different ways it could go right now, I think.

      Like

  5. Jes2G says:

    I’ll be over here when you calm down, Joce.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Mumei No says:

    Oh, Joce…I wonder, again, if this will have a happy ending, like many others story’s…part of me want to have a happy ending, but the other parts want’s her to really go away from her family, and have some years of hate to think, at least is anger, because sadness often leads to suicide…and after that, they could ever talk with her again, and apologize…I hope they can see what they have turned her into, and again, I kind of hope a bad ending, because, sometimes, life don’t have the best endings…An I’m afraid that’s one of them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hard to say right now if this will have a happy or a sad ending… There are many ways it could go from here, I think.we’ll see soon where it all leads.

      Thank you for reading!

      Like

  7. kaffepigen says:

    Ooh what if she gets pregnant?! She finds out she’s pregnant and then Mark just has to deal with it. Now THAT would be drama 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  8. CitizenErased14 says:

    I love your words of advice for poor Joce! She most definitely doesn’t deserve this — like you said, she’s been nothing but supportive 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  9. sonniejj says:

    This brought tears to my eyes 😦 even more so than the last chapter. It’s so sad that Joce is made to feel like nobody loves her and cares about her happiness..

    Liked by 2 people

  10. shamanarza says:

    It always sucks when you realize your family loves their idea of you instead of you. When they squash you into a box and neatly label it, then store it safe and uncomplicated-ly on a shelf, ready to be used when it’s convenient.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      That’s a very powerful metaphor!

      Like

      • shamanarza says:

        It’s when you violently explode out of the box that the crisis comes. Often people find the confines of the box too comfortable, too known to stay left. They’ll happily crawl back in, apologize, and come to make the box and label their reality.

        Outside is lonely. You don’t have the security of what you ‘should’ do because there is no more should.

        Liked by 2 people

  11. theplumbob says:

    Poor Joce. Of course she’s seeing red right now. What I’m more interested in is not the immediate damage to her relationships with her family, but the permanent one, when she starts thinking rationally. I would be very surprised if her relationship with Luc was unaffected in the long run.

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      This is a great question. I’m inclined to agree — even if she ends up talking to them again, something tells me things will never be the same :-/

      Like

  12. Spottydog714 says:

    Okay, I’m throwing the wet fish at Joce instead. I can understand her hating everyone – I would too – but I do not appreciate her saying she will never forgive them. She she should at least try, and if she can’t, then fine. But she should still try.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. CitizenErased14 says:

    Awww Cat! Sorry to make you cry haha This really is heartbreaking. And I knew what you meant when you said you were glad that she hates Luc and Hazel the most haha She recognizes that they were the ones who had the most influence on the downfall of her relationship. And it’s gonna be so hard for her to recover.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. maladi777 says:

    When you think of it it’s terrible. It started with little things like her parents sending her out of the house so Luc could play his music and it all led to this. The bad parenting is a recurring issue in this family. Can’t blame Joce for feeling sidelined all the time.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. fairlyvocal says:

    I know this is depressing, but I don’t know if I’ll forgive them either. Gus I can understand, he’s just a kid, it shouldn’t be his responsibility to stick up for her. And I can’t hate Clara, because she’s actually very supportive. But the rest of her family, they really should’ve stuck up for her. Still proud of Mari for not exploding, though.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Tizy says:

    Let the anger out Joce or it will make you rotten. You need to let it out and with time you will calm down. Nothing is over yet and time is a gentleman.
    I can see hazel pov. If my father dated someone my age it would gross me out too. But I can’t understand luke’s pov. Like someone else said earlier he was always treated better than Joce and he grew up a bit spoiled.
    We don’t get to choose our family, but we do chose the one who we want to share our life with…
    I dream of an happy ending where hazel and Tobi talk sense into mark and he goes to Joce kneeling with a ring because he doesn’t want to love another day on this earth without her. I dream of the family happy. But then I realize that this will most likely make Joce a widow at some point, do i wonder… there really is an happy ending? ?

    Like

  17. SpurklyNinja says:

    Nope. Not leaving this ship. You’re gonna have to drag me off. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  18. SpurklyNinja says:

    Wow, that was an emotional one. 😦

    Completely understandable that she’s furious right now. After all, her world did come crashing down in her eyes. But, I hope she calms down to the point where she can see that not everyone in her family is at fault. Mari was really trying to be supportive, and Clara fought for you (she just wants to be happy too).

    And for the ones “at fault”, there needs to be reconciliation there too. Things probably will never go back to the way they used to, but Joce shouldn’t be that spiteful to the point where she hates them for being happy.

    *slow clap. Well done, Rosebrooks. This has gone fantastically so far… :/

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Yeah this one was so tough 😦

      You’re right that some kind of reconciliation would be good for everyone, though I also think you’re right that things will never be completely the same again 😦

      Liked by 1 person

      • SpurklyNinja says:

        Another thought: I like it (a lot actually) that she can’t hate Mark. Good sign? Shows that she recognizes the fact, despite her outburst, that he didn’t want it to happen.

        Liked by 1 person

  19. crstasse says:

    I totally get where Jocelyn is and feel her pain!!! It’s okay for everyone else to be in love and have their happiness when it’s been cruelly ripped away from her just because he happens to be considered too old. How selfish of them all. How narrow minded.
    I hope her family begin to realize what they’ve done to her out of their own ignorance of her needs. Sorry for the rant, but I’m just so upset with Mark calling things off because of the pressure from everyone (and I don’t blame him), he has a daughter, he’d be feeling the weight of losing his relationship with her. But you know his daughter isn’t at all considering his feelings and she’s at an age where she should start showing some maturity here. So I’m totally on Jocelyn’s side. Out of all the relationships to date in this story, this one has moved me the most.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I do not mind the rant, no need to apologize haha. This is such a sad situation 😦 And it’s ok to be upset at Mark too!

      I’m glad this relationship moved you so much, but I’m also sorry I did this to poor Marklyne 😦

      Like

  20. crstasse says:

    Leaving Clara out of this equation, because she’s the only one that has supported Jocelyn and her Oma, I do believe was trying to be helpful.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. raerei says:

    Angry Jocelyne. 🙂
    Make them suffer a bit, okay? All of them. Something tells me you have just grown up completely.

    (Also I’m heartbroken since I know it means things will never be the same and she’ll never be so sweet and forgiving again. In some ways, this whole affair broke her like Diego broke Mari – although hopefully with fewer negative long-term consequences. But I fear she won’t be happy for a long long time).

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I fear there is a lot of truth in this comment… :-/

      Like

      • raerei says:

        I know – I hate how much this has probably changed her. But everyone changes over time. She’s not going to be the same person anymore that she was before. She’s stronger now, more likely to put herself first and damn the consequences. But oh – it hurts.

        Liked by 1 person

  22. Yup, I’m feeling all this rage girl. Let it out.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. theceltygirly says:

    “How many years have I stood on the sidelines and watched my family be happy? How long have I let them put Luc and Clara before me? How long have they walked all over me like I’m nothing?

    And now they’re doing it again, worse than ever before.”
    DANG, yeah this is giving me Stefan feels. He watched everyone be happy while he was miserable. Give her a happy ending dammit DX

    Liked by 1 person

  24. Hey it’s not all bad! She can become the most powerful Sith in a galaxy far far away with all this hate!

    Liked by 1 person

  25. kaffepigen says:

    I wanted to write this in a comment to an earlier chapter, but forgot it again. Luc reminds me a lot of one of my brothers. Not because he’s chosen before me or that he tries to ruin my happiness, but because he appears just as arrogant about a lot of things. And i feel like Luc does that too some times. Not all the time, but some times. And it can be so god damn annoying!

    Liked by 1 person

  26. samasasim says:

    I had to go back to Joce’s first chapter after this and revisit the feeling I had of not connecting or liking her much. The depth to her now, the life experience, the pain. It’s sad but amazing. Again, great job!

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Thank you! 🙂 I am really glad you’re enjoying her journey (sad though it is right now haha) This was a lovely compliment. I’m so glad you’re enjoying the story and taking the time to read it! ❤️

      Like

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