4.50: No Hope

I keep telling myself over and over again that things are gonna get better.

But they’re only getting worse.

I almost don’t even know where to begin.

I mean, things already started going downhill a couple weeks ago, when Mark went to Luc and Hazel’s for dinner. I still don’t know what the hell they said to him, but it’s like I’ve said before – He’s just been acting so weird ever since. Kinda distant, I guess. Not smiling as much either…

I won’t get into it again. What would be the point? I’ve already wasted enough pages worrying about it. And he’s still telling me everything’s fine, no matter how many times I ask him. What more can I do? The point is… I know he’s not okay. But I have no idea what I can do about it.

And after what happened this week… I’m starting to think there’s no hope.

We were so stupid. Last Monday, I stopped by the library just before closing time, as soon as I got out of rehearsal. The entire place was deserted, and we were back in his office together when we decided to sneak a few kisses too many, I guess.

I didn’t even realize I’d forgotten my script at rehearsal.

Or that Laura had tracked me down to give it back to me.

First, she told the University Director about us. And Mark got called to her office a couple days later.

Thank God it wasn’t much more than just a warning. If Mark had been a professor, or if I’d still been working at the library, he would have lost his job, just like that.

Instead, he got a lecture about “integrity” and “keeping up appearances” and the “values of the institution”. And the bottom line of the whole thing is that we can’t be seen together on campus anymore. Not until after I graduate… Which is less than three months away, thank God.

It could have been so much worse. But it was absolutely humiliating for Mark to have to deal with that. I feel horrible.

And I felt even worse when I found out who else Laura told.

The moment I saw Elliot’s name come up on my screen, I knew.

He was so angry. I did manage to calm him down eventually, thank God. But it still wasn’t easy to hear him like that — So hurt. So disgusted. Just like everyone else

And I literally mean everyone.

Word spread like wildfire. We can’t escape it anymore. The stares, the whispers… They follow us everywhere now. Hell, even my professors look at me differently. None of them have said anything, of course. But I can feel it.

Between all the judgmental assholes here at school, and all the bitching and complaining from my family, I feel like some kind of goddamn freak. And normally, Mark would be the one to make me feel better… But lately, the only thing he makes me feel is scared.

It’s in the way he looks at me. Or the tone of his voice. Or his forced smiles… It’s not all the time, but there are moments where I just… Worry.

There used to be a time when I’d panic or cry or tell him how scared I was… And do you know what he’d say to me, every time?

“We’ll get through this. Everything’s going to be okay.”

But last night, while we were lying in bed, his answer changed.

I told him I was worried about what would happen to us. I told him I was scared about the future. I asked him what would happen.

Would we really be okay? Would we make it through?

I stayed up for hours, replaying his answer over and over in my mind.

“I don’t know.”