4.45: How Much Longer?

I’m not sure how much longer I can do this.

Keeping this secret is killing me. Every time I call home, every time I chat with Luc… I feel terrible. Sick to my stomach.

I have no idea how Clara managed to keep her pregnancy from Florian so long without cracking… Or how Mark managed to hide Hazel from me.

Well, maybe “hide” is a strong word. I guess “conveniently neglected to mention” is a better way of putting it… Not that it makes it much better.

I mean, he never even bothered taking down the pictures of her in his house… But I always kept telling myself that the little red-haired girl in the photos was just a niece or something.

There were times I was so close to asking about that little girl… But I never did. And now I think I know why. I think a part of me always knew the truth. And I think I knew that if I asked, the answer would ruin everything. So I kept my mouth shut.

Looking back, I see what a fool I was to never question it. And now I know there were other things I should have questioned too. Like, when we first started dating, every time we were together, Mark never seemed to keep his phone on him. And now I think I know why… Hazel texts him all the time.

They’re really close – or at least closer than I am with my Papa. I guess it’s because it’s always  been just the two of them. Mark told me the whole story right after Christmas.

I guess he and Hazel’s Mama were never married… They’d been dating for less than a month when she got pregnant. “It was never supposed to be more than just a fling,” he said. But one mistake turned it into so much more.

And to make matters worse, Mark says she wasn’t too keen on the idea of settling down… Or having a baby.

But he convinced her to try to make it work…

Until it didn’t.

Less than a year after Hazel was born, her Mama ran off to Monte Vista with some other guy, and Mark got left with the baby. They never heard from her again.

It’s awful, isn’t it? I can’t believe anyone would ever do that to him! He was only two years older than me, left all alone with a baby to take care of…

Except now Hazel’s not a baby anymore. She’s just two years younger than me.

And dating my twin brother.

And both of them are going to absolutely LOSE IT when they find out about Mark and I. I know they will.

We still have no idea how to deal with it when they do.

The longer we keep it from them though, the worse it’s gonna get. It’s already killing me to have to lie to Florian all the time… But what other choice do I have? He’s Luc’s best friend. He’d tell him the second he found out the truth.

But keeping the secret is getting harder and harder. Now that he’s home from tour, Florian visits Clara almost every weekend.

And every time I go off to see Mark, I have to come up with some new bullshit excuse. “Oh, I have an extra rehearsal.” “I need to go to the library to study.” “I just wanna give you guys some privacy.” I’m really not sure how much longer he’s gonna fall for them.

And it’s even worse when I spend the night at Mark’s place. There’s only so many times I can claim I’m sleeping over with a friend before he’s on to me.

In fact, he might be already.

Ever since Christmas, it’s like he’s been keeping an eye on me or something. He’s way more interested in where I’m going or what I’m doing than he should be. And Clara’s been doing the best she can to cover for me, and convince him to be less nosy, but I can still tell he’s suspicious.

And I have an awful feeling he’s starting to figure out it has something to do with Mark.

Last weekend when he visited, Luc and Hazel came too. And of course, they visited Mark while they were here, so he and I didn’t get to see each other.

And Florian noticed.

Or at least, I think he did.

I mean, he made a point of commenting that it was the first weekend since Christmas that I’ve stayed at the apartment the whole time. And whenever Hazel brought up her Vater, I could feel his eyes on me… But why?

Was he watching my reactions? Trying to see if I’d slip?

He has to know something’s up… Doesn’t he?

Or maybe it’s all in my head.

I don’t even know anymore.