This is so horrible. I almost don’t even know where to start.
Tonight after dinner, Gus asked us to sit with him in the living room. Apparently he had something to tell us.
That should have been a red flag immediately. Ever since Stefan and I were kids, that poor living room has been witness to a lot of uncomfortable conversations…
Me telling Mama and Papa that Lettie was pregnant (and them telling us about Clara, too).
When we told Mama we found out about Josh.
Stefan telling us he was moving to Willow Creek…
There have been some happy ones too, though.
Like Clara and Florian announcing their engagement.
Heck, my little Schwester even had Mama gather us all in there and put her on speakerphone to tell us she’s expecting.
Guess I was assuming this would be another one of the good ones. I thought maybe he’d announce he was back with Emma or something. That certainly wouldn’t have been much of a surprise.
But this was.
Gus… my son… is gay.
God, I hate writing that. And I hate that I hate it.
I think we were all a little stunned when he told us. We weren’t really sure what to say.
Then Lettie got up and hugged him. And Mama and Papa told him he was brave, and how proud they are of him.
And then I opened my big mouth, and ruined everything.
I just didn’t want to believe it. I couldn’t. It had to be a phase, right? Or maybe he’s just confused after how things went with Emma? But he wasn’t actually gay, was he? He couldn’t be.
He sure didn’t like that suggestion. Jesus, I can’t believe I actually said it. And he really went off on me, then – bad.
I deserved every word. I know I did.
After he stormed off to his room, Mama and Papa decided to let me have it too. And I’m sure Lettie would have too, if she didn’t go chasing after Gus.
They’re still in his room together. Who knows what they’re saying. What he probably thinks of me…
I tried to make my parents understand. This isn’t about me. This is about Gus, and his future. His life.
I can’t lie. It kind of feels weird – wrong, almost – imagining my son being… with another man. And I wish it didn’t make me feel that way. I really do.
But I know that’s my problem, not his. And I know I can get used to it someday. He’s my son — I will always love him, no matter what.
But it’s not how I feel that’s the problem.
It’s everyone else.
I mean God, you hear it in the news all the time, don’t you? All that hatred – all that violence – toward people who are different. People like my son. It makes me sick just thinking about it.
I just want him to be happy. Loved. I don’t want to worry about him being hated or judged or… worse just because of who he loves.
No one deserves that. Least of all my little boy.
I wish I hadn’t panicked. I wish I hadn’t reacted the way I did. I wish I hadn’t hurt him.
But most of all, I wish he wasn’t gay.